#glazedch3rry

[glazedch3rry]

nine | sleeping at last

[glazedch3rry]

every little thing seems to bring me to the verge of tears recently. i go through the day shoving my emotions down, swallowing the lump(s) in my throat, until night falls and i feel lightheaded like i’m about to internally combust and i can’t take it anymore and i have to curl up in bed under my blanket bc it’s my only safe space. and i watch videos to drown out the jumble of thoughts in my head and suddenly, tears trickle down my cheeks and i don’t even know why i’m crying and then it turns into loud sobs, heaving chest and i don’t know how to stop. next day comes and the cycle repeats.

i’ve been scared & sad & alone all my life but this time it’s different. i’m now an adult who’s responsible for my own future & i feel like i don’t qualify to exist as a human in this world. i have no passion, i have no dreams, i have no desire to reach out for help. i want to exist in my own bubble without existing in others’ minds. i’ve been unemployed for 1.5 years & i don’t know how to sell myself to companies.

i want to scream but i don’t want to be heard.

[glazedch3rry]

tired. so, so tired.

you know how we used to jokingly say that we’ve lost the will to live when faced with difficult math questions? 

i think i’ve been literally losing the will to exist for a few years now. i feel nothing, all i do is nap all day. and when i’m not napping, i’m scrolling through my phone, endlessly. i’m running out of excuses for not getting a proper job (i need to focus on getting a professional qualification, i joined an apprenticeship to tide me through while i work on my resume, etc.). i tell myself this is serious!!!! there are consequences you’ll have to face if you keep this up!!!!

but i simply do not care. i can’t bring myself to care. i don’t know why. feels like there’s no space for me in this world.

[glazedch3rry]

why do humans

we’re such complicated beings, aren’t we? making navigating relationships such a fucking chore. tbh sometimes the thought of having to coexist with other human beings on earth tires me to the core. i can’t imagine doing this for decades to come (which is also why i don’t think i’ll ever want to bring more lives to this torture chamber we call earth, but that’s a topic for another post). 

been getting to know someone on a more personal level on the interwebs but it’s become increasingly evident that they’re quite toxic or that we just don’t get each other’s “sense of humour”. i mention humour because their words & actions tend to trigger me & when i bring it up, they always apologize & shrug it off as a misstep or a joke that went overboard. the way they dismiss it, although with an apology, always seems to me like they’re not-so-subtly judging me for overreacting? idk maybe i’m overthinking but still, i’m probably gonna start keeping my distance. i don’t want my safe space on the internet to become a toxic cesspool. 

[glazedch3rry]

solidarity among strangers

just re-did the mbti test & got infp-t, butr that’s besides the point. the thing is that in the explanation, it said that most mediators’ dream job as a child was to become an author. that really shook me bc it’s 100% me!! plus i cannot believe that it’s accurate for so many other mediators as well! we all know that these tests are always a hit or miss. 

read through some comments which resonated so deeply with me i’m almost convinced that it was actually me who wrote them. being pushed into an industry you have zero passion for? not knowing which career path to follow? feeling like all the decisions you’ve made thus far have doomed your future? depressed/lazy/unmotivated? those are all me! 

holy crap! this is insane... i have this strange urge to add all of them into a group chat, facetime them & talk about this in depth like right now. 

[glazedch3rry]

anxiety?

sometimes i wonder about the ethics of diagnosing myself with anxiety. it does more or less impact my life, but not to the point where i’m willing to fork out money for a therapist/medication. i know there are people out there who have it much worse. so then... does that mean i’m not allowed to identify as a person with anxiety? that’s what i keep telling myself; that i’m allowed to say i’m anxious (the adjective, which is fine bc i’m just describing how i feel) but not that i have anxiety (the mental illness, which is debtable bc am i really sick or am i glorifying mental illness??). however deep down in my heart, i feel otherwise, which is why this dilemma keeps bothering me. other times, though, i’m glad i don’t have an official diagnosis as a label. bc thinking of myself as someone with anxiety feels like i’ll never get better throughout my whole life. it feels like i’ll keep being afraid, keep worrying, heart constantly palpitating, all my life, until something in me snaps and gives up. it feels hopeless, future seemingly bleak. in a way, not having an official diagnosis can sometimes be a blessing. is that selfish of me to say?

[glazedch3rry]

“what should you do if being at work makes you suicidal?”

...was what vanessa wye googled one day in kate elizabeth russel’s my dark vanessa. the scene played almost no part in the novel’s plot, but it was what stuck with me the most bc i went through that at my first job fresh out of university. i know i’m still in the beginning of my career journey and that there are infinite ways that my life could play out, that it will not always be this way, but truth be told i’m worried that the decisions i’ve made thus far have doomed my future. it truly feels as though i am trapped on this path i’ve carved for myself via poor decisions and societal pressure - basing my decisions on my parents’ views of what constitutes a “stable career” bc i didn’t want to take responsibility for the choices i made (strane’s dialogue about women choosing victimhood struck a nerve) - fenced in on both sides by walls of barbed wire, the only choice being to move forward.