Headcanon Letter from MC to F
The below letter was shared with me recently by Nick @gloomcat-mess and all of the content below belongs to him. Thanks for the permission to share such a beautiful letter! got me choked up over here
There are so many things left unsaid and I don’t have the strength to voice them aloud so I hope I don’t run out of paper before I say my piece. You always said putting things on paper was easier than rambling, “fewer chances of making a fool of myself,” as you put it, though I think I’m too late for that. It’s pathetic, really, someone from my station afraid of speaking face-to-face when I have to hold court every other day.
I’m heartbroken, first of all. Five years I’ve been carrying this grief, trying to put the pieces back together and failing spectacularly. Whatever is beating in my chest doesn’t resemble a heart anymore, an ugly thing made of sharp ends and raw flesh that hurts like a permanent bruise. I still remember that day, you know? Clear as day. It’s branded in my memories and is reenacted whenever I lower my guard. I gathered the courage to confess, and when you returned my feelings I felt inside a fairytale; I saw us married in the future, best friend and lover all in one. But my dream turned into a nightmare in less than a day. And I had to get used to losing my loved ones one by one, you were just the first in a long list of small tragedies that ensued in the following years: you, my first love, my brother, dragged away to war, my father, who I couldn’t say goodbye to, my mother, having to carry the whole kingdom in her shoulders, and my innocence and joy, fading away a little more each day.
But that’s not what got us here, is it? It’s the fact that you decided to grace us with your presence again just when I was trying to move on, and have a new start. You brought back all the pain I tried my best to ignore. You haunt me, the ghost of this palace who reminds me of everything that could be and wasn’t, you brought back the shame and the feelings of inadequacy, and you made the voice that tells me I’m not worth being loved, being happy, far louder. How can I look for love in someone else when your puppy eyes still make a knot in my stomach? When your voice still roots me in place? It’s not fair to them, but it’s not fair to me either. I can’t love you, because I can’t trust you won’t abandon me again, and I can’t love someone else because the guilt will eat me alive.
I came home, yet I’ve never felt more lost.
I became King, yet I’ve never felt more lacking.
They said love heals, yet it’s my biggest scar.
Despite everything, I do wish you to be happy. Because I know I won’t be. I hope at least one of us is able to find peace in the end. And maybe the Gods will be kinder to us in another life. Goodbye, first love.
