oc stuff (i'm in a mood and as always feel free to ignore)
I think the more I stew in this AU, the more Yin changes. And yet, I think the reason she changes is because I'm getting to know her a bit more. It feels less like a character that was made in the spur of the moment over a theme and more akin to a tragedy waiting for the end.
I can laugh at the silliness of a character that will talk with her mouth full. I can enjoy the moments where she is having fun, out partying and drinking with friends and having wild stories to share. I can see someone who shows kindness in subtle ways, like walking a bit slower to help an older person cross the street under the guise that she's "distracted" on her phone.
I can see a character that truly loves life and enjoys it to the fullest. I can imagine the happiest moments where she truly feels like everything will be alright.
But, in that same breath, I can always imagine the darkness tainted in her soul. I can see the tragedy of someone who is constantly reminded that the life they lived no longer exists. I can feel the pain of her loss. I can feel the sadness and it hurts.
There's a scene in my head that if I really take the time to act it out to get the dialogue just right, I can feel my own heart breaking.
It's during the wedding event banner setting. MC (Meiqi) is working like she did in the banner and Yin is helping her out. Everyone also pitches in, like they do, but since this setting is where they all interact and become friends, it's less solo and more like just friends showing up.
After working for a while, they take a break and are walking down the shopping districts, Meiqi gushing over the wedding dresses on display. She turns to Yin, pointing excitedly that they're so pretty and Yin would look gorgeous as a bride. It's jovial, Yin cracking jokes at her own expense that she needs to beat the six month curse before she can even pretend to think about weddings. But, she says that she didn't imagine herself wearing these modern dresses. The white dress with a veil. She had a different dress in mind, but doesn't elaborate further and shifts the topic to where they were gonna settle down and eat.
But, in the midst of all that, Yin is taking the sights before her body stiffens and her eyes widen. She sees something on display at a smaller, older shop's window across the street and her heart skips a beat. She whispers "Mom?" in disbelief, not even registering she even uttered the word before everything around her fades away into one singular point. Her body moves before her mind can even register that she is, running at a full sprint, narrowly dodging cars until she's bursting through the shop's doors.
Her heart is racing, memories are rushing into her like water from a dam that has broken as she stares at a red dress on display. She looks at it over once, twice, three times. It's the same exact dress her mother wore. Down to the stitching and embroidery. She doesn't think, she's looking at the perplexed store owner and asking how much it is as if the number would even matter. As if she isn't already saying she'll pay double, triple, quadruple the price if it means having it in her possession.
Meiqi and the boys are at the front of the store, but Yin doesn't acknowledge their presence, her desperation present as she begs the store owner to sell it to her. An older woman apologizes, explaining that the dresses are for sale, but her mother has final say in who gets to purchase them because they are all handmade by her. Her mother is much too old to make them anymore so every dress is precious to her and she refuses to sell them to anyone she doesn't seem worthy.
But Yin is desperate, begging and pleading for her to sell her the dress. She drops her knees, head to the floor as she begs for that dress to be sold to her. That she'll do anything and pay any price, so long as she can have that dress. The clerk is nervous, uncertain of how to proceed before her mother walks in from the back. An elderly woman, cane in hand as she demands to know what the commotion is. She walks over towards Yin, on the floor, begging for the dress to be sold to her.
Meiqi wants to say something, but Caleb covers her mouth with his hand, pulling her back as they watch their friend slowly breaking. It's supposed to mean something, because as much as they can just intervene and hopefully help her case, they've never really seen her act like this. They've caught glimpses beneath the mask of someone hiding their pain and grief, but never to the extent that she's on her knees, begging for something that wouldn't really mean anything. To them, it's a dress for brides that Yin shouldn't have any interest in. But in seeing her reaction, they know it isn't just a dress to her. Even if they don't know the reason why yet. This isn't a time for them to get involved. So they watch in silence, praying that maybe good fortune might fall on her.
The old lady watches her for a moment, not once ever glancing at the prying eyes at the front of her shop, because they're not important. Yin, this blue-haired girl bowing to the floor, begging for her to sell her a dress meant for brides. She doesn't need to know that Yin isn't engaged to tell that this dress is important to her.
So she asks: "You want me to sell you this dress, correct? Tell me, are you even engaged?"
Yin can lie. She can pick a random date. Make up a story and say whatever answer to get a better shot at securing the dress. But, she doesn't. She can't. In her heart, she knows that lying wouldn't work and even more so, she'd be dishonoring herself and her mother.
"I'm not."
The true test begins. Not by answering the questions to get the prize, but to turn the mirror on herself and expose the pain beneath.
"Are you even in a relationship?" And the question stings, because Yin has tried. She has tried time and time again to build a relationship with someone and each time it ends the same way. It just ends.
"No. I'm not." Her voice is shaking, the tears flowing freely onto the floor below but she doesn't wipe them.
"You want me to sell you a dress for brides and you're not even in a relationship?" The old woman's voice is stern. Her words dig a knife deep in Yin's heart. "Tell me, what was your longest relationship?"
Yin hesitates, because she's faced with a question that is too heavy to answer. She has to face the demons that burrowed so deep into the very depths of her soul. Demons that made a home into the empty parts that were ripped from her.
"Two years." She answers, her voice cracking and her body trembling. The air around them begins to surge with energy as fight or flight responses are triggering inside her mind. Yin's Evol, the electric power that she uses to fight Wanderers, begins to disrupt the lights around them. It's not dangerous, but it is present.
Meiqi tries to push forward, wanting to calm her friend down, but they hold her back. They keep her rooted to them, because it's not their place. Not right now. Even if it hurts. Even if they know she's suffered from something that haunts her every waking moment.
The old woman doesn't budge. She's not intimidated because there's no threat. "And why did that end?" She doesn't need to know. She can already tell. This is for her.
Yin stalls, her voice caught in her throat as memories resurface and her breathing comes out more shallow and pained. The tears are falling, the lights are flickering wildly, but Yin never moves. "H-He was not a good person. He was... a bad man."
To them, it's confirmation of what they already suspected. Meiqi whimpers behind Caleb's hand, his grip tightening a little more around her. Zayne shuts his eyes, because he's seen the effects of abuse victims. Rafayel clenches his hands, as if it could ease the tension building inside him from the way her voice sounds. Sylus takes a deep breath, his eyes narrowed as he feels sympathy towards her. Xavier clenches his jaw tight, because he can't comfort a friend who he's seen crying in her sleep more than she realizes. The twins look down, because even if they understood it, it didn't mean it didn't hurt to hear.
Yin is already breaking. But the questions don't stop. "And how long have your relationships lasted since then?"
She can feel herself wanting to retreat back into herself. She can feel the emotions wanting to break free but she doesn't want to face them. Not here. Not now. She wants to lie. She wants to run. "None of them have ever lasted more than six months." And isn't that so tragic? Doesn't that hurt?
"If you can't even make a relationship last more than six months, then why do you want that dress? Why are you so desperate for a dress that is meant for brides? For those that are hoping for something to last them forever?"
Yin can feel it. She can almost hear the way her heart is threatening to shatter in her chest. "My mother used to have a dress just like that. The red color is the exact same in my memory. The embroidery matches exactly to the one in her dress. That's her dress. Down to the very last stitch, that's her dress."
A young woman grieving over a lost loved one is tragic. One that is desperate to cling onto something whole and real in a world that she was never meant to exist in. A world that doesn't know that she is out of place. That she doesn't belong. Those memories are all she has. Except now. Except when she's so close to getting something tangible that might bring her a sense of comfort.
"That's not your mother's dress."
Comfort isn't the same as love. Even if it looks the same or feels the same, it's not.
"I can already tell that that dress will rot away. That it'll never be used. That you will never put it on and let it be seen. Dresses like those are meant to be worn. They're meant to be used to honor a bride's special day with her betrothed." Every world is a knife stabbing into Yin's soul. The lights are buzzing with energy, but all she can hear is the sound of her mother's laughter in her ears slowly fade into deafening silence.
"M-Mother, please!" But one pointed look is all it takes for this old woman's daughter to shut her mouth.
"Other women will come in wanting to buy this dress. Other women who are engaged and have a sad story that is just the same as hers. But the difference is that the dress is just a dress for them. That they get to wear it for their day and feel the sense of ceremony and love."
The old woman looks at Yin. In her tired, old eyes, she can see what Yin hasn't been ready to truly face yet. "That dress is not your mother. It's just fabric. And I will not sell it to you."
They have never seen her like this, but the moment the verdict is final, they almost selfishly wish they never did. Yin sharply raises her head to look at the old woman and the absolute despair on her face sears into their memory. The lights burn bright, the air around them sizzling with energy ready to burst as she looks as if her soul was just ripped out of her body.
Meiqi thrashes in Caleb's hold, but his grip is firm as she desperately tries to reach for her best friend. It's not their place. It's not. It's not. It's not. But if only it were.
Yin takes one last look at the dress on display. One final look before she retreats back. The lights are flickering and buzzing anymore. The air is stagnant. Yin bows her head once more. "I'm sorry for causing you stress. I sincerely apologize for my behavior." The sincerity feels hollow with how empty her she sounds. How she slowly gets to her feet and walks out, pushing past them as she steps outside.
"Mother..." But the old woman doesn't sway to her daughter's silent plea. She just looks at the dress on display before walking away into the back of the store.
Yin is on the verge of a breakdown. What starts off slow begins to increase as she feels the emotions resurfacing. Her legs are carrying her somewhere that doesn't exist. She's in a full sprint, aiming for a place that was never there. The others don't have a chance to catch up to her, not with how fast she's running. Not with how she's running aimlessly to slow the inevitable. There's not a single place her parents visited in this world. There's not a single piece of them that they touched. There's no safety. It's a free fall and she doesn't even know where she'll land.
She runs until her lungs are burning and her legs are wobbling. She runs to one spot that feels somewhat familiar. Somewhat secure. She runs all the way to Rafayel's private beach, the one that reminds her so much of home. That's when she breaks. That's when the power inside her lets out as she screams: "MOM!" The power releases around her, the lightning striking the sand around her and creating hot pillars of glass with every cry of grief. She clutches her heart, falls to her knees into the sand below as she sobs.
In this world, she doesn't have her mother. Her father. She doesn't have pictures. She doesn't have places she visited with them. In this world, they never existed to begin with. All Yin has is her memories. All she has is herself and even then, it's not her. She's a murderer who stole this Yin's life. Even if she didn't mean to. Even if it's not true.
Yin doesn't exist in this world.
But her pain is real. Her grief is real. In her world, she's dead. In her world, her parents are grieving her loss. Their only child is gone and they are living with her memory inside them, just like she is. But they can look back at pictures. They can visit the places she went. They can still feel like she's there, even if it's in a memory. And she can't.
They find her sitting in a cage of glass around her, but once again, they don't approach her. She's not crying, not out loud, but it's still too early. Even if it hurts, they give her time to process what she's feeling. So they wait inside. They wait until the sun sets and the tide rolls in.
Yin already moved, her shoes thrown somewhere aside as the water nearly reaches her feet. She sits there quietly, watching the moon's reflection on the ocean's surface, no longer trapped inside the cage of her own making.
Meiqi struggles to find the words. She wants to comfort her but doesn't know what to say. So, she stays quiet and simply takes a seat right next to her, lightly resting her head on her shoulder in the hopes that it conveys enough that she's there. That no matter what, she'll always be there for her when she needs her. And one by one, they sit around her, looking out into the ocean and making sure she knows that she's not alone. That she'll never be truly alone.
And they stay that way for a while. Quiet. Letting her feel safe and comforted.
"I remember my Dad showing me their wedding album. I was around six years old at the time and I had stumbled across it when we were looking through old photo albums." Yin laughs softly, her voice carrying a warmth as she reminisces about the past. "On the cover was him and my mom looking at each other instead of the camera."
"I remember saying 'Wow, Mom looks so pretty! She's beautiful!'" Yin always uses a voice when she talks like her younger self. A soft, innocent voice that they can't help but smile endearingly at while she slightly deepens her voice for her father. "And my Dad goes, 'Your mother is always beautiful. But, I will admit I think I fell a little harder for her that day.' And I laughed as he started showing me the pictures. There were so many of them, all of them brimming such an overwhelming amount of joy and celebration. But no matter how many times my parents were in the frame, they were always looking at each other."
"I remember saying 'And Mom was pregnant with me in these photos!' And my dad let out a gasp and started saying: 'No, no, no. Your mother wasn't pregnant with you, she just was caught in different angles that made it seem that way.' I could hear my mom from the kitchen laughing at my response. 'Nuh-uh! I can see Mom's belly. That's me, right there!' And my dad just shook his head, but he was smiling so brightly."
Yin could picture it so perfectly in her mind. Every detail of how she sat beside her dad as the TV played some action film her father loves so much on the screen as her mother was finishing up snacks to hold them over until dinner. "My mom walked in and started gushing over the pictures and talking with my dad about my aunts and uncles. They told me stories about some of the pictures and why they turned out the way they did. Until finally, at the end, I got up and declared: 'When I get married, I wanna wear Mom's dress!' And my mother laughed the way she always did when she was truly happy."
Yin could feel the tears in her eyes, her voice wavering slightly, but she still smiled. She still held herself together. "My mom said: 'Yin, you don't have to wear my dress. Wear whatever you want that you like.' And I shook my head and jumped into her arms and held her tight. I said: 'I don't want any other dress. I know that if I wear the one you wore, it'll mean that I found someone that made me even half as happy as you and Dad are.' And she held me tight, nuzzled her face into mine as my dad wrapped his arms around us. 'Yin, honey, when you wear that dress, I hope the person that you're marrying makes you happier than both of us combined.'"
They can feel her trembling. They can hear how much it hurts and they can feel how much she loved her parents. Meiqi just takes her hand in hers and squeezes it, letting her know that it's okay. That she's there. They all are. "That woman was right. That dress is not my mom. It doesn't matter how much it looks like the one she wore. If it's not hers, then it's just fabric. And I don't want to wear something that didn't belong to her. It wouldn't be right."
And she looks over to Meiqi, smiling softly. "So don't get any ideas, alright?" Meiqi chuckles sheepishly, nuzzling her head into Yin's shoulder as they continue to admire the scenery.
Yin isn't alone. Even if everyone she knows and loves are gone, at least she isn't completely alone.
And it's scenes like this that really make it hard not to just think about. The story is more about found family and centers around how love can be found in the people around you. That even if you struggle and hide your pain, someone will be happy that you're in their life.
Anyways, if you stuck around this long and are reading this, yeah! I really, really, really love my OC. I love the story I created that's trapped inside my head.
Thanks again for reading if you did. :) I really appreciate it.