Your phone goes off at 6AM, and most of you roll over to ignore it.
But it won’t stop alerting. And it’s getting louder and louder, no matter how many pillows you pile on top of it. The volume is so loud that you can actually hear other people’s phones through the decently thick shell of their RVs. Fine. Fine! What’s this all about?
FROM: LONG PENGI
Helloooo! You’re all doing SOOOOO bad on the murder thing! But that’s okaaaay! I’m a master of putting the carrot before the horse. And this carrot is going to bloooow you away! Meet me in the Plaza!
Happy Year of the Horse btw.
The nature of the new year does little to console you. When you meet your peers assembled in the Plaza, few of you are interested in anything but going back to sleep. It’s only when your host himself appears that your interest is piqued; mostly because, somehow, he’s got a whole doorframe under his arm. A sky blue portal with a cartoon sun painted on the door.
He winks, does a dramatic flourish, and plops the doorframe down on the ground. It stands upright without support much like the other doorways here. Something does feel different about this one, though. Your skin tingles.
“Helloooooo, everyone! Sorry to get you all up bright and early, but I have to tell you! The rate of homicide here is at an aaaaall-time low! And that’s no good! Makes for VERY boring cinema, I’ll tell you thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat much! So what’s a Peng to do?!”
“... Is what I’d say if I didn’t have fantabulous powers! Yes, fantabulous indeed! SOOOO fantabulous that I can do anything! Including mmmmotivate you to mmmmmurder! Now, I need a volunteer! You there! In the seasonally-appropriate attire!”
He points to Foodfight, who’s currently freezing their ass off-
“Huh? Wha-”
-and said frozen ass doesn’t have any time to react before they’re swept off their feet by Long Pengi, pushed through the now open threshold of the blue door. Wait, is Foodfight okay? Did you just see a twink get banished to the Shadow Dimension?! A gasp of shock ripples through your cohort, but Lengi shakes his rubbery head.
“No, no, don’t worry! They’re fine in there. Better than fine, actually. Having the best time of their LIIIIIIIIIFE. Don’t believe meeeee? Just wait! Forrr…. ten minutes.”
…
“Go get a coffee and come back if you’re THAAAAAAAT tired, good grief.”
…You look at each other and head off to the Diner to get takeaway coffees. The ten minutes that passes is one of the weirdest little interstitial periods of your life, wondering at what sort of pear wiggler Lengi has thrown Foodfight into, and it’s almost a relief when he reappears to shepherd you back to the Plaza.
And, much like your host promised, ten minutes elapsing means that your missing friend pops back out of the doorway. Eyes sparkling, skin flushed, and… with a QR code on their forearm?
“Oh my Goodness Gracious, that was amazin’! I was back on the farm an’ everythin’ was lookin’ OH so nice and fixed up an’-”
Long Pengi cuts them off.
“It was your dreeeeeeeeeeam come true, right? Your biggest wish?”
Foodfight nods. “Sure was! I’ve always wanted to revitalise th’ family farm!”
That’s when the penguin turns back to the crowd at large. There’s a glint in his beady little eye.
“So here’s the carrot, my little horsies. I, in all my Pengnevolent glory, can grant you a wish. Don’t believe me? Just step into my Pengnificent Dream Machine- it’ll give you a free ten minute demonstraaaaaaaation of what your life will be like with your wish fulfilled! Don’t mind the QR tattoo. It’ll fade after a while. Just a little token of being a happy customerrrrrrr.”
“The rules are simple. Kill for me and have your wish granted. The only wishes I caaaaaaaaan’t grant are ones that let you escape or end the game, ones that harm me in any way, orrrrrr that change some fundamental law of the uuuuuniverse. You also caaaaaan’t resurrect Elon Musk.”
Lengi smirks, pops his top hat off, and pulls out a small blackboard. As if by magic, a single line appears on it in chalk; he turns around to affix it to the Dream Machine door.
“Here’s a tally of how many satisfied customers the Dream Machine receives. So! I’ll leeeeeeeeeeeeeeave you all to it. Have fun! I hope to see a body… soooooon…!!!!”
And off he goes. You watch him leave and cast your eyes back to the brand new door, thoughts already beginning to churn in your mind. Not only can he grant a wish, but you can trial out what your life would be like with it granted? You’ve all had wishes before. Nobody is immune to the siren song of something that’s always seemed out of your grasp. Make no mistake- this is something that could change your life in ways that you’ve never imagined.
All you have to do is take a life in return. Is it worth it? For some of you, probably not. But for others? Well, who knows.
If there’s anything that aspirational Hollywood types are prone to doing, it’s wishing.
