#godbothered

[bellonanj73]

[gravehagmilk]

I can't stop uncomfortably/oddly relieved laughing at my last tarot reading for myself. I've been so torn and so.. obsessed about finding where I belong religiously that I finally broke down and asked my new tarot deck, The Wild Unknown, "where should I go?"

"Which is the right one for me? Please!"

I was so ready to get something negative; to get something telling me I should ditch it all and just go back to where I was promised by my dad. I don't want to be a Christian, despite my adoration for it all. I was so scared.

But here I am, laughing. I can't remember what card I pulled but it was such a clear message that I even told my husband.

"It doesn't matter, just do what makes you happy. What makes you feel whole."

Haha. What? What?! I'm too high for this.

[bells-and-spells]

I kinda wanna write a short story about a godbothered.

[bells-and-spells]

A tarot spread for mediums and the god-bothered. Can be adapted with more cards added in certain areas, or for a Quest-type question, though Quests have their own two spreads that ModEmil is doing.

1. Who is calling? Some traits of the spirit hanging about.

2. Are they living or dead? Not all spirits are those of the dead. They can be gods, angels, demons, nature spirits, or even the astral forms of other humans.

3. Where are they? A general feeling of where the spirit is, like where they are haunting or where they are from.

4. What do they want? A general feeling for the direction their wants are going.

5, 6, and 7. What steps would I have to take? A varying number of steps to gain what the spirit wants.

8. What’s in it for me? Helping spirits of different kinds takes energy. Anything from a gift of good luck to a bauble found on the street -- in my readings, cups would be an emotional boon, pentacles are physical gifts, swords are gifts like good luck or some sudden understanding of something that confused you previously, and wands are magickal boons that make spells or intentions a bit more powerful. 

[achrana]

Me: So, uh... We haven't talked about the whole maybe-possibly-having-a-romantic-and-or-sexual-relationship thing in a while.

Bast: That's right, we haven't. You were still kind of terrified of the idea the last time I brought it up.

Me: Yeaaah. Um... So, is that a thing you still want to happen? I mean, I'm totally fine with it if you've changed your mind. I don't even know if I'm ready for something like this so, yeah, toootally fine if you don't feel like waiting for me to get my shit together. *continues to be awkward*

Bast: Good Kitty [the equivalent of "Judgement" in the Mystical Cats tarot]

Me: *laughs and looks at the companion book to double-check the specific meaning of this card in the context of this deck*

Very First Line On The Page: "Cats have no shame."

Me: o__o

Summary Of The Good Kitty Card: "Even though we may misbehave or make mistakes at times, we are still fundamentally good and deserving of love. We are all good kitties."

Me: Aww.

Another Line: "Accept the Cat Goddess' love and shine it on yourself and others."

Me: *stares at Bast's statue*

Me: ...you are as subtle as a boot to the head, you know that?

Bast: :3

~ A short while later, after taking a shower ~

Me: *rummaging around in my underwear drawer*

Me: *speaking to myself* ...should I wear one of the lacy ones tonight?

Bast: YES!

Me: *makes a hideous noise of embarrassment and hides in the corner*

Bast: What? The lacy penguin ones are cute!

Me: ...those don't fit me anymore. My butt got too big.

Loki: All the more reason to take them off later!

Me: DON'T YOU START TOO.

Loki: *makes a bow-chika-wow-wow noise and high-fives Bast*

[achrana]

Today I learned...

Set may or may not have given me those Thunderstorm Feels a couple days ago, but Loki is definitely back and was very happy to make his presence known the second I mentioned another chaos deity.

Bast and Loki are totes chill with each other as long as I don’t try to give any of Bast’s sea salt caramels away. They are emphatically Hers.

Loki has actually been around since the very beginning of my life as a pagan; both He and Bast confirmed that He was behind one very simple but extremely vivid and life-altering Thing that happened to me in January 2014 that confirmed to me - as I was struggling to continue believing that my prayers and offerings were actually being noticed despite the fact that I never got a response from the goddess I was trying to connect with - that this wasn’t all in my head and it wasn’t a bunch of woo-woo. The Thing was the only reason I continued to press on instead of giving up on paganism completely, and until now I had never known who or what had caused the Thing to happen.

I think the fact that Loki has already been with me for over 2 years (although I didn’t notice Him or believe that He was still around for most of that time) plus a few things He said tonight, makes me think that He’s here for the long haul. That would have scared the hell out of me when I was still a complete newbie who had heard nothing but awful things about Lokeans at that point. (Like, I had never been interested in any of the Marvel movies then, but a friend talked me into watching Iron Man the following summer and I loved it so much that I knew I had to watch the rest of the films... but I dreaded watching any of the movies with Hiddleston!Loki because I was so afraid that I would become a “fake Lokean” because of the films. I loved the films, of course, and I think Hiddleston!Loki is a fascinating character but Loki showed up on His own, very much against my wishes, several months later.) Now that I know better, I actually feel really good about having Him back around. I didn’t realize that I missed Him this much.

On that note, both Bast and Loki agreed that ~With Their Powers Combined~ They could both help me work through my issues better than either of Them could do alone. However, They have very, very different roles at the moment. Loki is basically my Personal Coach who will kick my ass and tell me to suck it up when I need it, and Bast is my Personal Cheerleader who will be gentler with me and probably provide more emotional support than anything else. (Obviously those aren’t the only things They’ll ever do, but this is the basic impression I’m getting of why each of Them is in my life right now.)

Oh yeah, and it seems that somebody paid the phone bill and my Godphone is back on for the first time in over a year. Imagine that...

[achrana]

You know what I just realized as soon as I reblogged those photos of the crop fields during a storm?

I fucking did a masters painting of this when I was 16.

...I think I might know who’s responsible for this.

[rawr-its-red]

Why in the name of Gilfaethwy’s frilly lace knickers

is Arianrhod all over my dash today?  Normally I only see posts about Her if I’m explicitly looking for Her, but this morning I have seen half a dozen.  So I guess it’s now time for another round of everyone’s favorite game - Is Tumblr Refining Their Algorithms Again, or Is This Actually a Sign?

[It’s probably just tumblr algorithms.  Especially since I’m not currently looking for Signs.  But just in case, it can’t hurt to light Mama some incense tonight.]