#gordonfreemankin

[fictionkinfessions]

talking to a family friend and she was telling me about how she supports trans people but then went on to tell a story about a transman who decided he wanted a baby bad enough that he stopped taking t just so he could have the kid. and she was shittalking him. and I couldn't just say "haha I did that" because she perceived me as the family friend, not as me.

anyways men should be allowed to have kids if they want to. hot take I dunno.

-gordon freeman, hlvrai

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[fictionkinfessions]

As a Gordon Freeman with both an original Half-Life canon and a HLVRAI canon, I had a different combination of being disabled either way. With the original source material, the reason I didn't have much to say was because of a childhood injury that while my breathing was able to return more or less to normal, I lost most use of my voice. I could whisper and kind of get some sound out, but it wasn't a way to be heard- that's what hitting concrete or metal with the crowbar was for. I also had PTSD from the Nihilanth and GMan that resulted in both flashbacks and nightmares, leading to insomnia. There was also lasting damage that I could still feel while outside of the HEV suit, from injuries that I had to ignore in order to survive. And then yeah, silly goofy source, my right forearm. I don't have as much mental weight on that one, though. I don't have as clear memories but I do remember freaking out every once in a while.

p.s. I used to have a pattern of signing off but I think I forgot how I did that.

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[fictionkinfessions]

Tw: derealization mentioned

I just had the weirdest dream related to my source man, even stranger is everyone except Tommy looked exactly how i remembered them, and acted like themselves too, which, is a strange feeling to have, since it’s just, bittersweet i guess, seeing everyone again, being back in the body I feel is most familiar and being with the science team again, it was nice, really nice. Sure I couldn’t see Tommy’s face or recall it because it just looked like his whole face was voided out, just being next to him again, and talking to the others, that was enough for me.

I felt like everything was going to be okay, that everything maybe was beginning to look normal again…

And then I woke up, alone, still sick due to how the house is overheating, and feeling like this world, the one I’m supposed to be the most familiar with isn’t real, really makes you wonder how much time I spent strapped into that VR in source that even though technically I’m from here, this world, it feels less real then some pixels on the screen.

I hate that I’m like this, I just want to close my eyes and convince myself that everything is real, that we’re fine, that we’re safe now.

-Gordon Freeman

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[fictionkinfessions]

Thought this might be a nice place to drop something I wrote to a source mate considering I’ll never see him again. I have a lot of, mixed feelings about him, a lot of questions to that unlike some of the people in this system I’m not going to try to figure out, I’ll acknowledge them but that’ll be all I do.

———

I think I’m going to allow myself to say this, let alone recall these feelings

Benrey, you were a mystery to me, I never really got to know you because of how you acted, maybe I should’ve let myself gotten to know you. Maybe, maybe you were different, but the thing is I’m never going to know if you were how I thought you were or completely different because you didn’t exist, and You’ll *never* exist again because your life, your personality, your code and essence, I’ll never see that replicated because it’s genuinely impossible for that to ever exist even with how sophisticated Ai is now and days, because one different step, a different word, a different breath would result in you never being the man I inevitably failed to know, that I couldn’t know.

Maybe you were framed

Maybe you were just a asshole

Maybe I was right

Maybe I was wrong.

But that’s the thing, maybe won’t ever bring you back, nor will it ever answer my questions or anything about you

Our fights and talks are something that I’ll never see again and while I’m relived… a part of me is always going to miss that despite my hated for you.

So, since I never had the heart to say it to your face.

goodbye benrey. I never knew you.

— Gordon Freeman.

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[fictionkinfessions]

i feel like im breaking some unspoken rule by being a gordon freeman (hlvrai) kinnie who Didn't have anything going on with benrey. sorry man. it was Weird but i don't think it was romantic. now tommy on the otherhand.... what if the slightly older than you really nice autistic guy you knew turned into a middle aged god while you weren't paying attention. I will not be normal about this.

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[fictionkinfessions]

ask response for cannon tunes!

favorite song had to be "it's the end of the world as we know it", which is ironic. i wasn't very picky about my music, though. i think I liked billy joel, queen, nirvana...

barney liked a lot of music - he would listen to just about anything. i honestly don't know where he got all this music. this was before the days of spotify, mind you.

he used to share song recommendations with me, and would sometimes burn me CDs with songs he thought I would like. i don't remember him ever missing.

i wish i could've held onto them, kept them safe. they were some of my most prized possessions. probably gone, now... but I hope someday we'll have a chance to make some more.

-gordon freeman

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[fictionkinfessions]

hello fictionkinfessions readers. i managed to get my hands on a coolatta finally... after literal years.

it was fine. many jokes were made about tommy. (i got strawberry)

anyways to my sourcemates specifically- i miss you assholes (/aff). hope youre all doing well. even you.

- doctor gordon freeman, hlvrai

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[fictionkinfessions]

I am Hope three times over and it's not a good thing.

As Makoto I was the judge and jury, in a way. I sent people to their deaths and every time it hurt. I still feel horrible. I didn't want anyone to die. And they everyone saw me as this savior when I was just a really scared kid who had no choice but to continue.

As Gordon I went practically on a killing spree. Alien or human became a blur, if you were a threat I gunned you down like my life depended on it, but it did. I got no rest, right after I was forced to be a guiding light for people who desperately needed one and who was I to say no?

As Henry I was trapped in the loop Joey created. My first goal was to get out safe, to get home to my family, but people thought I could save them. The writing on the walls has burned into my brain and every time I had to kill one of my former co-workers I felt I was failing.

I only ever wanted to go home. It's not fair at all.

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