#grief shit

[siancore]

[thevioletcaptain]

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One of our dogs, Danni, is really sick and in the animal hospital with issues after surgery, and I was entirely unprepared for the way that this is mentally putting me right back into the days before my dad died. Just this constant dread in the hollow of my throat and the pit of my stomach. And literally every day since February my harm ocd has already been on overdrive with the intrusive thoughts of dad’s dead dad’s dead on a loop just refusing to stop, and that’s still there but now it’s combining with extremely vivid memories of the phone calls we got when he started crashing and then after he died and the sound of my mum’s voice when the doctor told us. And before Danni went in to have surgery I just fucking dissociated every time everyone started talking about her condition and the surgery risks and everything because it was putting me back into the dad-in-the-icu hellscape. And now she’s having complications and it’s just. Too familiar. And I feel like shit because it’s like I’m not even processing what’s happening now I’m just reliving what happened in February. So I can’t even properly comfort my wife about their dog because it’s like my brain isn’t even in the current moment.

[magiemagie]

So I just came back from viewing number one and um. It was hard. And it was not fun. And my grandma's embalmed body didn't even look like her and I think that upset me more than the actual body itself

[noshirtnoblouse]

Grief shit

My dad came home from Italy after 3 months

We’ve just been crying on and off together

And he’s so so sad

I don’t want him to be alone in this house

He misses my mom so much

I miss my mom

[blackthornrook]

something people don't talk about with grief enough is after the pain subsides a bit, there's a frequent feeling where you see something that the dead person would have fucking LOVED and you can't show it to them on account of the whole death thing

the rani is back on doctor who and I went to a basement punk show recently and my facial hair is growing in and I can't show my dad any of it, and it's legitimately more *frustrating* than anything.

[letterstolisaa]

tw: grief, parental death, terminal illness

when my dad was alive, he would always tell me that i would miss him when he was gone. i’d always say “yeah, daddy. i know.” like duh. of course i would. 

but gah damn most days this shit feels excruciating. feel like i am literally being pulled apart. i had so much more time with him than the doctors  ever thought i would and it still wasn’t fucking enough. 

i don’t understand this. i don’t understand a world where he is not right there. listening to rap music. yelling at me. being rude. complaining. teaching me. making me and my mom laugh. putting a smile on my face in only the way he can. 

last week, i realized that it’s been a “long time”. my coworker says to me: “oh lisa, i forgot about your dad’s passing. it feels like forever ago but i know it doesn’t feel that way to you.” and no, no it doesn’t. it feels like just yesterday. it’s just crazy cause like time has moved on for other people but for me?????? i’m right there on the couch. looking bewildered. walking slow to the room because i know. even though i don’t wanna know. quite possibly the worst day of my life so far and said coworker thought it was appropriate to tell me she forgot. not to be dramatic but reincarnation cannot be a thing because i don’t wanna do this shit again. or at least ... if i do i do not wanna come back as a human who interacts with other humans ... like??????? 

grief is stupid and death is dumb. you have it as close to together as you possibly can and then one thing ... and i’m right back in october. 

[magiemagie]

it’s been 36 hours since my mom called me to let me know my grandma has passed away.

I’m looking at cremation jewelry online so I can at least have something of hers with me. I’m somehow way more okay with this than I thought I’d be at this point, especially considering I spent a good portion of yesterday bawling my eyes out. 

I’m sad. Of course I’m sad. I’m sad for my mom, who has been taking care of my grandma for years now, and who will have to face funeral arrangements mostly by herself. I’m sad for my grandpa who has lost his wife of almost 60 years, who is now blind, and alone. I’m sad because I didn’t get to see her before she passed, and looking back, I didn’t get to know her as much as I could’ve. I’m sad that she’s gone. I’m sad that I won’t get to see her again during family gatherings, and see her stick her tongue out at my stepdad because he said something stupid, and hear her laugh while she recalls stories of me when I was a toddler. I’m sad that I will have to see my family in tears because nothing breaks my heart more than seeing my mom, who is normally always so strong, utterly defeated. 

But she was sick, and proud, and she would’ve hated to descend further into sickness and depend on people to do basic tasks she wouldn’t have the cognitive abilities to perform anymore. I’m sad, and it’s hard. But she’s better. 

I’m still having trouble realizing it’s real. I don’t know if it’s because I’m so far away and not dealing with things directly, or because it was so sudden that my brain can’t process it. I’m dreading the funeral, having to drive home in the worst possible circumstances. But I find comfort in knowing that she’s better.

I’ll keep telling myself that she’s better until I can be okay again.