#groupctask

[gladerjune-blog]

JUNE'S TUNES — a list of songs June would totally jam to in the real world

[adam-tmr-blog]

[tmr-bradley-blog]

Bradleys task 01.

[gladerdelilah]

Dear Diary,

Is that how you actually start a diary entry? With 'Dear Diary?' It sounds lame, but I suppose it's a start. I've only just found a time to write this. Can't seem to get a break or anything nowadays. Mind you, that's what I get for being second in command and Keeper of the Track-Hoes. Right? I guess.

So, I don't even know where to begin with this. Apparently it's for your thoughts and feelings or some klunk so I think I'm gonna try to do it. Be prepared, piece of paper: this is going to be a long ride... Right. Feelings. What are feelings? I don't even know. How do I feel about anything? I'd say that I'm just like everybody else. I want to get just as much as the next person. I want for everybody to be safe and happy from all of this mess. I don't even care about getting me out. I just want everyone out. My priority is the Gladers. I don't even know what else to say.

Am I even good enough to be second in command? My biggest fear is not being good enough for the Gladers. I'm having these thoughts too much. I could give someone else my position... someone who's worthy of it. because I'm surely not. How'd I even get this in the first place? I know I offered to start with... to take over for Oliver -- to do him proud or something. But still... they agreed with it. And now, I'm just.. well, stuck with it. Don't get me wrong, I love having this role. And no, it's not just because of 'bossing people around' which I don't do in the first place. I love helping others. However, I can't even help myself. On the exterior, I'm as tougher than nails. Behind that? I'm nothing.  I'm not that. I'm just an ordinary person like every other person in the Glade. I just want to do them justice. Keep my promise to them that we will get out one day and live happily ever after. But the more I say it, the less I believe it.

I'm hopeless. People tell me that I do a fantastic job; But am I? It doesn't feel like it. If I'm not being honest with myself then how can I keep this act up? And for how much longer? I'm emotionally exhausted but I don't want to say anything. As soon as someone hears that I don't believe we'll get out, the sooner it'll spread through the Glade like wildfire. Then we'll have nothing. We can't have that. I didn't come this far for it to fall apart. Typically, I'd discuss this with Jackson or Brad... but I'm not going to. They don't need my emotional baggage. It's unfair for them. They deserve better than that.

I found some old notes of Oliver's... you know, our first leader. The first person I loved. Bought back memories. I used to love him, so much. Still do, and I have so many jigsaw pieces that need to be fitted. Starting with what happened to him. I didn't get the chance to say how I felt. I've never said anything to anyone. Oliver still means so much. I need to know. He's the foundation of the Glade. We I owe it to him. I don't hear many speak about him anymore and I don't get why.  He set this up. In this orderly fashion. We owe it to him. I won't be settled until I know what happened. I won't leave until I know. It's final and nobody can stop me. It upset me though, finding those notes. Reminded me of how much of a coward I was, not being true to my feelings and if I regret one thing, it's not telling Oliver how I genuinely felt.

I want to become a better person. Not sure how I'm going to do that, but I must try. For everyone's sake. Somehow, we must get out. They must get out. 

My mind's all over the place. Honestly, I don't know what else to put but writing my feelings down -- the ones I can put into words -- has helped me a little bit. Still so many feelings to go, but progress is progress and I'm so tired of feeling stuff. So I think I'm going to stop here.

I don't know how to end this, so I guess this sentence will be the finishing one.

- Delilah. x

[jackson-themazerunner]

Dear Diary,

Is it weird how I don't recall writing a letter? Is this the first time my hands have picked up a pen and watched the ink press against the page. It's interesting, I suppose the small things in life are sometimes. I rather like just writing words down on paper, I wish we had paper and pens more often. It'd help me out with keeping lists and whatever throughout the day, plus it seems somewhat entertaining especially as we do get some boring days around here. It might just be me, but I could sit here forever and just write down everything - even things that don't even matter. It's just something I can do, a distraction; a way that I can try and get out of this trapped mind that I'm constantly stuck in. This page will be where I write down things I'd never let anybody else know.

At the moment my head's pounding just thinking about how much I have let people down. I've been feeling such a downer over the last few days. I can't stand that feeling. It's not a nice feeling to have. I'm breaking people down, slowly but surely.  Now I don't know how to feel about myself either; I'm getting torn away shred by shred. Over the last few days it was thinking back to Ethan and Kimmi- how much I missed them, how I didn't even get the chance to say bye to them. Closer to now it's by my own thoughts. I'm not letting myself by happy. I'm always just putting other things before me. Is it because I'm broken, some sort of self-hatred towards myself? I just don't know. I can't think straight, can't make decisions - and it's hard to deal with. I'm drowning in my own sorrow, stupid I know - but I think I'm coming to a breaking point. I just...want to be happy again, Since the death of Kimmi and Ethan my life has just spiraled down. I'll always regret not going in to get them, trying to save them; that one day that they both died broke me. I didn't even get the chance to say "I love you" or "Goodbye"- one moment everything was fine, but the next it wasn't. I'm always going to have regrets about that, regrets about everything here actually. I can never do right. I can never be right. I can never get over the chances I have missed, and they're dragging me down. I'm not me anymore, haven't been for a long time. I used to be happy - thought I could have been again - but my brain stopped something from happening. Stupid, Stupid Jackson.

I'm developing a crush, falling for someone for a second time in three years. It's impossible to try and figure my head around it. Kimmi told me to fall for someone again, to make another girl happy if something happened to her. I just feel now might be the time that, that someone might be in The Glade with me now. However, I think I might have missed my chance. Screwed up something that could have developed into something beautiful and made me happy. I'm a bad person. I don't deserve anybody as good as the person I'm crushing on, she didn't deserve that. I tried to do what I do best, push things away. She would have never been happy around me, I'm too broken to make things okay. I don't want to break her even more than I already did. She's worth so much more than that. I made her cry, that's not right. I shouldn't be destructing things that should be left as beautiful. Fuck my feelings. I should have just left her alone. She didn't deserve to be crying over something I said. Is it called crushing on someone because sometimes it can crush you when you do the wrong thing about it? You might have guessed it already Diary, I'm falling for Ryan. Should I even call it falling any more? It's more like I have fell. However, my own stupid brain is only to blame for what could have been. I can't blame anybody else around me. It was my brain verses my heart, and now I'm regretting that I have stupidly made the wrong decision. Yet another thing to add to my list of regrets.

Regrets. Is it bad for one guy to have so many? I've lost, and I've loved. I'm broken, and sometimes I don't even get the chance. I'm just seen as the happy leader. I hide my true self away from everybody. I'm not being me. If I were truly to be myself, people would notice. I can't be a broken leader, it wouldn't be fair on anybody. I have to put on a front and stand proud. They can't see my feelings, that can't see that the horrible side of me. Maybe one day I'll be happy again. Hopefully things start to look up soon.

I'm rambling. Thanks for letting me write down my thoughts though.

Jackson