You know what's exhausting? Always having to empathise with your mother. Even when you don't want to. Because you think it's your fault that she is feeling the way she is, that you should be the one fixing whatever is wrong in her life even when you warned her before she went ahead and screwed it up for herself, having to hear that she feels guilty for all that she puts me through but not actually doing anything to change it, but still thinking I've too many expectations from her cause she has been through so much. I always wonder if I shouldn't be the understanding one and that I should get to throw a temper tantrum and not have it be invalidated by her but I always go back to feeling evil for thinking that my problems are even remotely as hard as hers. I promise myself and her that I will help her through whatever steps she takes in the future as difficult as it may get but when she takes steps back again, I lose hope and the energy to support her the next time she begins or even actually goes through with it . After all this, I still feel guilty expecting so much from her and say that it will take time for her to get past mental blocks and her trauma and that I should be ready to take every step with her whenever she is ready. It always, always goes from being furious to making excuses for her actions and her decisions and I realise how much I keep hurting myself and blaming myself for things I don't even do.
