#gypsyblog

[violetmoonn]

☮✨☾ hippie blog ☽✨☮

[catanadances]

June 5th, 2018 - Self-healing

I went to a sound meditation session yesterday. LONG OVERDUE. My good friend brought her crystal singing bowls to the studio and for about an hour I was able to let things go.

I lost my body for a while and became simply a beating heart and a pair of eyes. It was beautiful.

I found myself running in a windy field of tall grass, just running, everything moving in slow motion... and there was a little boy.

A little boy with dark hair, about 6 years old. He was running in front of me, laughing and running his hands through the grass. He was so full of joy and life.

I caught up to him, wrapped my arms around his little frame and pulled him down into the grass where he giggled and wrapped his arms around me. We watched the clouds float by and the sky turned from day to night.

In the distance, I could hear a voice call out, "Hey, where did you two go?"

We peeked up from the ocean of green to see another dark-haired figure in the distance, smiling as they walked towards where we landed. A hand reached towards me to pull me up from the spot we had been laying, and the stars illuminated as if a light switch had been flipped.

Oh, it was so beautiful.

And then I was back in my body.

My face started to itch as it does when you're trying to meditate and forget the physical world. Of course.

I drove home on complete autopilot, listening to music with the windows down trying to come back to earth. I took a bath when I got to the house hoping it would help me sleep, but to no avail.

One of these days I'll get my shit together.

[catanadances]

Knowest thyself, human.

So here's a question:

How can you communicate your needs if you don't know what they are?

What makes you happy? What do you expect from other people? How do you want to be treated? How do you respond to love? What are your hard limits and negotiables? What kind of support do you need in times of uncertainty? How do you handle changes?

When you've been in a few relationships, platonic or romantic, you begin to figure out what these things mean. Does that mean they won't change? Absolutely not. It's a good idea to keep ourselves in check every once in a while.

How do you define you?

Are you a soul on a floating rock or are you the things you do? How do you perceive yourself vs how do you want people to perceive you?

This starchild is going through a major transformation and I'm dragging a trail of dust particles, ice, and people with me like a comet hurdling through space at a million miles an hour with no true trajectory.

I'm flying closer to the sun and starting to feel the warmth.

It's odd to be so connected to self but so disconnected from everything else.

And right now, I am working on scripting the questions. The answers will come in time.

[catanadances]

July 6th, 2015 9:23PM

Sighhhhhhhhhhh. First night in new house with bae. I have a headache. I’m on my period. And my emotions are going crazy. I am simultaneously excited and mournful. Sitting on a blow up mattress eating Cane’s. And thus, begins a new journey.

Edit:... aaaand we don't have hot water. >.< No shower I guess..

[catanadances]

Wednesday June 10th, 2015 12:37pm.

You know... the universe has a funny way of pushing you into doing things you've been questioning. Seems like the topic of moving has been casually and repeatedly dangling in front of my face. Was going to move, then I didn't. Had electrical problems and decided I did actually need to move again. Office at work gets moved to a different part of the building. Move. Move. Move. Transition. Change. Restructure. Gahhhhhhh I get it, Universe . I hear you loud and clear.

[catanadances]

Sunday, June 7th, 2015. 11:29pm.

Someone once told me that "women" often change something about themselves, most commonly their hair, when they're feeling like something in their life may be out of control. Fostering a false sense of control by being able to take control of *something* they own. Cutting of the hair can be psychologically altering to a person, changing their view of themselves, affecting confidence, and in some cases even changing their outlook on life. How is this relevant? I cut my hair. Short. And with it, I cut away all of my insecurities of the image I had of myself. I'm taking back the person who used to get beat up in school for looking like a boy in the girls bathroom. Sometimes it's time to grow up. And sometimes all it takes is a good haircut.

[catanadances]

You know I love you. Very much. But right now I'm upset with you. I try to be there for you but you don't let me... if I didn't care about what you had to say I wouldn't even ask. If you didn't want anyone to ask you wouldn't hint at being upset. Sometimes I don't understand how you process things. I don't get it. When you do this, it makes me feel like you're pushing me away and that you *would actually rather be alone.* This is not how relationships function. When you're ready to stop hiding, I'll be around. You were mentioned in my dream last night. I hope you're okay.

[catanadances]

Thoughts

Sometimes I wonder why I do anything. What is the motivation or thought process behind anything I do, besides, "I decided." Sometimes there is no explanation, sometimes it is an action based on a feeling. Ugh. And sometimes I wonder even to myself, "What the hell am I doing?" Am I floating? Coasting? Am I alive? But there is one thing that I have never been more sure of... and it's you.