Me, when my friends and family visit: Welcome! The dogs are so excited you're here, my toddler is taking off her pants and going to lure over a cat as we speak, my baby is hungry so you will be seeing my boobs in the next 15 seconds, and I can't remember when we last all showered but my toddler has decided she needs to brush her teeth every time she washes her hands, so at least her dental hygiene is on point. We have tea and food, it's right over there, help yourself any time but do know the gold packet is The Good Tea so try that first, and while the house is a mess, it has been cleaned recently despite the fact that parts are currently inexplicably sticky due to proximity to a toddler. I have a veggie tray to snack on! Let's get that out! We're going to have fun! Go, team!
Me, when my in-laws come visit: I am exhausted and pissy because I worked a full-time job, nursed an infant, ran after a toddler, and also cleaned the house because I know that if it's not spotless, you will judge me, even though Mr. Hedgehogwnt is responsible for half the household chores. The toddler is clean and wearing pants and hates the world, so you'll have to either take her to see the horses or watch 3 episodes of Bluey before she'll even consider looking in your direction, and I will not tell you which Bluey episodes are the good ones. The cats are glaring at you. The shelties do not want you to pet them under any circumstances and will run away and look at you suspiciously if you try, and the husky/border collie mix is staring you down. Can I make you some tea? Jk, the baby is hungry and I'm going to nurse him in my room away from you under the pretense of being modest even though this is the second kid I've nursed and I could not care less. No, I will not tell you where the tea lives, I don't want you drinking The Good... I mean, I don't want you to trouble yourself. See you in a half hour! Mr. Hedgehogwnt, you're in charge! Good luck!
