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skip to loafer chapter 59 analysis // spoiler

the battle between who you are, who you want to be and what people think of you: who do you trust to form your identity?

when i read chapter 58, i had this whole idea in my head for the next chapter. i thought kanechika would get closer to kazakami and help him get a little more comfortable with himself. well, i wasn’t entirely wrong. what i forget to consider was how sensei always have a card on her sleeve, ready to surprise us at any time. and this time, the surprise came in form of a teacher.

but first, i want to start with the obvious: the conversation at the beginning of the chapter. after having so many internal battles, kazakami is left with nothing but shame of himself, his hobbies and his recent outburst. he’s feeling defeated and alone, with his internal voices giving more and more power to his parent’s. and suddenly, a boy with dreams as big as the world stop him on his tracks and break his walls.

for the first time on the chapter, kazakami receives his first confirmation: yes, it wasn’t right of his parents to do that to him. just having someone outside of his personal zone blasting this out loud made it clear to him, made it easier to see. that’s why there was no need to go grab his figures back — all he wanted was a confirmation of his pain, someone that would be brave enough to say “this is wrong and you have the right of being hurt”. there was all he needed; nothing solid, but words as concrete as the burden on his back.

i love how kanechika was left surprised because of it. for him, it was easier to just go and resolve the misunderstanding. that’s the contrast between them: one who moves thought actions and the other who moves through words. and that was the best opening for the next scene, with the ace card sensei pulled: hanazono.

i don’t think i’m wrong when i say that it wasn’t surprising to see how everyone was acting when they found out she was pregnant — the prejudice, the side eyes, the judgment. and kazakami wasn’t innocent in all that: he also had a previous image of the teacher on his head, having it a little shaken after hearing her words. he’s once again grabbed by the neck and forced to look outside of his box, once again having to face his own past judgments.

hanazono isn’t the type of person he thought she was. she’s bolder, more assure of herself and with strong convictions. she’s someone who manage to look at herself in the mirror and ask the hard question: who are you? who do you want to be?

contrasting with what kanechika had to say (as in, giving voice to a feeling he already had, but couldn’t put a name to it), hanazono challenge’s him to see everything from another perspective. “the person i thought i was isn’t the right one so…who do i want to be?”. he’s now left with more questions than he had before. so…is it right to give up on everything he loved just to seek the future his parents want? the “self” he seeks to find, is it the one who’s a proud diver fan or the one who has nothing but someone else’s dreams?

this is very, very confusing for an adolescent who had it all stripped from him. kazakami thought he had an idea of himself before, but it’s all proving to be wrong as the time passes. he wasn’t someone that get sad about figurines — but now he heard his feelings out loud. he wasn’t someone who would lose his time with football, girls and other frivolous things — but is he the one who his father want him to be?

sensei has a talent for portraying confusion and deep, weird emotions we all felt as teenagers (the seek for our identity, the chance we need to be who we are), so it wouldn’t be different now. what we’re seeing of kazakami is only the beginning of his journey of finding who he is and who he want to be. and now, to make things even better, we have a new mother who’s ready to show the world how strong and capable she is without all of them.