#hanian

[poetic-emptiness-fanfic]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Ta-dah! Second chapter of Siren is out!

A surprising encounter with the shopkeep gives Julian something new to think about...

[poetic-emptiness-fanfic]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Despite my brain playing tricks on me, it’s out: the first chapter of my newest fic, Siren!  This is a rewrite for part of Julian’s route, in his own point of view.

Julian Devorak's life turns upside down, when he encounters a mysterious magician during his mission to shed some light for events three years ago.

[poetic-emptiness-fanfic]

Livin’ La Vida Loca (Echoes of the Past 15: Freebie!)

Finally it is finished! I had an irritating writing block, but I’m happy it’s over now. This fic sets during the plague, when Hande is apprenticing with Julian.

The name of this fic is from a song Livin’ La Vida Loca by Ricky Martin

Characters: Hande Kuura & Julian Devorak

Content warning: some profanities

Words: ~3 250

@arcana-echoes

It has been a long day at the clinic – lots of patients and lots of research. Julian is tired and he can see that his apprentice is as well. She tries to put on a brave face, but he can see that she's very tense – has she had any chance to relax? They have been working together for five months, but Julian has only seen Hande at work. He has learned that Hande is extremely conscientious, fast learner and she really cares for the patients. He has also found out, that like him, Hande loves reading and it is fun to discuss about different books during their lunch breaks. Julian has grown to like her, and even see her as his friend – the busy days feel less tiring with her around.

After locking the door behind the last patient, Julian turns to Hande and smiles at her, ”Well, that was a busy one. Great work – I can't even realise how I did manage before you tagged along!” Hande chuckles to Julian's praises and shrugs, ”Thanks, but it's not just me – you really are a spectacular doctor, believe it or not.” Julian blushes by the compliment, but Hande is too polite to point it out. She just pats her teacher's hardel and goes to change to her everyday clothes. While Julian is in the other room changing himself he ponders if he should ask Hande out. They are practically colleagues and they're also friends, so it wouldn't be inappropriate. He also has a feeling that Hande is quite lonely, with her family and friends in Karnassos.

”Hey, Hande?” Julian shouts to his apprentice so she could hear her, ”Would you mind if I took you somewhere? Erm, to let our hair down, so to speak?” The doctor hears only silence for a moment, before Hande's voice echoes from another room, ”No, I wouldn't mind, that sounds nice.” Julian lets out a relieved sigh and his lips twitch into a small smile, ”Great! I can offer you something to eat as a thank you, if you wish?” He hears Hande coming back to the office while she hums in affirmative. After Julian's done, he goes to the office and sees Hande opening her hair which is tied into a French twist. Her hair is pretty long, he notes, settling to the level of her waist. Stop gawking! That's inappropriate!

Hande turns to look at Julian, looking a little embarrassed, ”I don't want to keep the same hairstyle during my free time, otherwise I'd never let go of the work stuff. It probably sounds silly...” Julian gives Hande a friendly smile and shakes his head, ”No, it doesn't sound silly at all. It's good you have ways to avoid thinking about work during your free time.” Hande smiles back, separates her hair in two parts and starts to braid the other half. Julian is looking at her procedure and his curiosity takes over, ”Uhm, may I ask what are you going to do?” Hande glances at Julian before she turns back and continues braiding, ”I'm going to make two braids and pull them over my head, like a headband. Then no one gets the opportunity to try and pull my hair.” Julian seems to think for a moment and before he can reconsider he asks, ”Do you... Do you want me to braid the other half? It'd be faster that way.” Hande turns to face Julian, looking surprised, but also a little amused, her eyebrows raising. Before Hande can say anything Julian blurts, ”Uhm, I can braid... I have a little sister... I used to braid her hair sometimes.”

Hande's eyes widen for a little moment – she didn't expect to hear something like that. She recovers from her shock quickly and beckons Julian to come closer. Julian understands that Hande has accepted his offer and tentatively starts to braid her hair. It feels slippery and soft in his hands – completely different than Pasha's hair. ”Tell me about her. Your sister, I mean,” Hande asks silently after a moment of silence. Julian chuckles and starts to tell while braiding, ”Her name is Pasha. She's three years older than you and we grew up in Nevivon together...” He continues telling about his sister while they are working on Hande's hairstyle. Hande looks satisfied and compliments Julian's work which causes the poor doctor to blush again. When the duo is ready Julian dramatically offers his arm to Hande, who laughs and with an exaggerated curtsey takes it. ”Well, Doctor Devorak, show me the way!”

***

Hande looks curiously at the sign above her head: The Rowdy Raven. She has never been here before and she's curious to see it. The place seems to be a tavern, but it looks rather cozy when she peeks through the window. Still, she can't help feeling a little nervous – what if she ends up being too obviously out of place? Well, fortune favors the brave, as they say... Hande lets Julian lead her into the tavern. They're welcomed with loud laughter and music playing in the background – there's a band playing in a corner. That makes Hande feel herself more at home, if you could call a tavern a home.

The young woman looks around her. There are locals and people from abroad, all of them having a good time chatting or playing cards with each other. People who notice her and Julian entering turn to greet her teacher with joy on their faces. Hande tenses a little, because it is clear, that Julian is very popular person in here, and Hande is... Well, she's here for the first time in her life, although she's lived in Vesuvia for almost a year. Julian squeezes Hande with his arm reassuringly, ”I'd get us some food and drinks. Do you have any wishes?” Hande looks a little pensive, but she decides it's better to speak than stay silent. ”Uhm... Are there... Are there any non-alcoholic drinks? I'm a teetotaler...” she whispers uncertainly.

Julian freezes on the spot. Shit. Congratulations, you've fucked up and brought a teetotaler to a tavern.. You idiot... His faces turns red again and he sputters, ”I-I'm sorry! I didn't know that...” Hande notices Julian's panicking and hurries to assuring him, ”No, no, it's fine! I don't mind others drinking, well at least if they're not steaming... I've just never amused to drink alcohol myself... It isn't because of any belief, if that's any comfort...” Julian is surprised, how Hande is nervous about his reaction, and can't help but smile to her, ”No, you don't need to worry! I don't mind at all, and you're not obliged to explain your reasons, if you don't want to. There should be also some non-alcoholic drinks, so no harm done.” Hande smiles to him thankfully which makes Julian a little giddy. No, concentrate. Go and order your food and drinks!

Hande waits by a table when Julian gives their orders to a barkeeper. The young woman glances around, observing other patrons curiously, wondering where some of them might come from. Soon Julian comes back with their drinks. ”Barth said he'll bring the food soon,” he says, handing her a glass with lime green liquid in it. ”I hope you like this one, I wasn't quite sure what to get,” Julian says, looking a little embarrassed. Hande smiles at him reassuringly and takes a little sip from her drink. It's suitably sweet with citrus aroma – probably lemon and lime combined. ”This is so good! Dr. Devorak, how did you manage to choose a drink I like so much?” Hande asks sounding impressed, which makes the poor Julian to blush again. ”Well, erm... I wish I could say it was intuition, but... uhm... I remember how you once told me you like lemons so...” the man stammers. Now it's Hande's turn to get embarrassed; she doesn't blush visibly, but she can feel her cheeks burn. Julian remembers random things I've mentioned to him? ”You're way too good friend for me... I really am flattered, that you remember my ramblings.”

A little later Barth, the barkeeper, brings their meals in front of them and they eat in comfortable silence, sometimes asking or commenting something. Hande finds the tavern's atmosphere a little rowdy, but not hostile, and she feels more at ease. It's nice to spend time with Julian and see him outside of their work. Suddenly Hande's concentration turns to a discussion a few tables away. There are four men discussing in a foreign language which Hande recognises as Hjallean. She gets excited – she hasn't met any people from her mother's hometown for a long time. She apologises Julian and turns to face the men, ”Förlåt mig. Är ni från Hjalle?¹” The men turn to face Hande, looking positively surprised, ”Ja. Hur kan du tala hjalska, är du från där också?²” Hande smiles and answers, ”Jag föddes i Karnassos. Min mamma är från Hjalle, men hon tillhör Skogsfolket.³” The quintet continues their excited conversation. Julian smiles and watches how Hande speaks fluently in Hjallean, and listens when she finds out that the men are sailors and actually know her grandfather. Hande seems so happy to hear from her family that Julian can feel it, too. He also can't help, but to miss his own family a little.

A little later Julian also joins the conversation which causes the men and Hande to cheer in surprise. The group has a friendly conversation and orders drinks to each other, until the band starts to play a Hjallean folk song which causes the sailors and Hande to sing along. Julian can't help but notice how Hande's voice is clear and beautiful, echoing above hollering of the sailors. To be entirely honest, Julian is mesmerized my her voice – she sounds like a siren, without ill intent, of course. After the song had ended, the sailors cheer to Hande, who looks a little humbled after getting that much attention, but still has a small smile on her face. The band's leader shouts to their table, ”Since the miss sang so beautifully, you can decide our next song!” Hande glances at Julian with a confused expression on her face. Julian just smiles to her encouragingly and winks. Hande smirks and states, ”I will decide, but on one condition: I get to play it, too.”

The band leader looks curious, ”Can the miss play, as well?” Hande nods and answers, ”Yes, I can play the fiddle. I've had lessons since I was a little girl.” The other band members grin and the fiddler steps up, handing their instrument to Hande. She stands up and walks to the corner, inspecting the fiddle for a moment. After she's satisfied, she tunes the instrument and asks, ”Do you know this song?” Hande plays a little part as a sample and the band leader chuckles and agrees. The leader gives a mark about starting the song and Hande joins the band. Julian is awed: this woman doesn't have a single drop of alcohol in her, and she still is having the time of her life. Joyful, wonderful singer and player even – and she's never mentioned any of that to him. This fascinating combination of humbleness and showmanship. Julian watches how Hande's fingers move on the fiddle, how concentrated she is. The song is a little melancholic, but still eventful and fast. The world seems to disappear: there's only music and Hande.

The enchantment is broken when the song ends. Hande remembers where she is and is a little flabbergasted by her courage, but is happy that she played. She doesn't remember when was the last time she had this much fun – in Julian's company she feels at ease, like her old self is coming back to life after so many years. Hande turns to see Julian who is cheering and applauding to them with the others at the tavern. The band leader thanks her when she gives the fiddle back to its owner and returns to her companion. ”Wow... I didn't know you could sing or play!” Julian compliments when she sits down. Hande lowers her gaze for a moment, but soon looks up and shrugs, ”Well... You don't need singing or playing when you're trying to be a doctor's apprentice. To be honest, complimenting myself is really hard for me, and I got this temporary moment of courage. I haven't played in front of an audience for years.” Julian smiles to Hande and feels warmth inside of him – he isn't sure if it's because of alcohol or his company. Concentrate. She's your apprentice. Julian clears his throat and speaks again, ”Did you like it? Playing in front of an audience, I mean.” Hande seems pensive before she gives a hesitant answer, ”Yes.”

Before Julian can say or do anything else, one of the sailors cut in. ”You should be proud of yourself, you really did great back there! Was that a Forestian song? I recognised it, but I'm not sure.” Hande turns to face the sailors and nods, ”Yes. I was surprised the band knew it, but it was fun. Karnassian music is much more popular, so it's nice to hear Hjallean ones for a change.” The group continues their conversation, but Julian is mostly concentrated on Hande. When they are telling about their work to the sailors, Julian, now a little tipsy, tells in surprising excitement, ”Yes... But you know what? Hande here, she... She can do MAGIC!” Hande doesn't have time to react before the sailors gasp in excitement and plead her to show them. Julian now realises he might have screwed up and tries to come to her rescue, but Hande speaks after a little silence, ”Would you like to hear a story? I can illustrate it with magic.” The sailors and even Julian show their enthusiasm for the idea. One of the sailors suggest a scary story and Hande proceeds, telling a Karnassian story about a jinn who fell in love with a human, but in time the human went mad for being so close to the jinn.

Probably for the first time in his life, Julian is awed by seeing magic. The light figures dancing in the air while Hande tells the story such a fascinating way make Julian feel giddy, almost like a child again. Being with Hande here and how... radiant she is, it's nearly overwhelming. The story is indeed scary, but he can't help but smile at her, and his heart jumps when Hande gives him a little smile back with her sparkling eyes. Other patrons have also gathered around watching the spectacle and shower Hande with compliments after the story is over. The sailors try to ask her to tell another, but Hande chuckles, ”I'm sorry, guys, but magic can be very taxing and I don't want to exhaust myself after a long day.” The sailors groan in disappointment, but still pat Hande on her shoulders, buying her one more drink. Julian hasn't bought any more drinks, because he tries not to get steaming, like Hande had expressed earlier – he doesn't want to make Hande feel uncomfortable. The music is compelling and he'd like to ask Hande to dance, but isn't sure if it's appropriate.

After a short internal debate, his reason seems to leave him, when Hande turns to look at him. Julian hasn't noticed it before, but now Hande's eyes look so beautiful, almost like the deep, blue water. His body starts to move on its own: he reaches his hand towards Hande, palm up and his mouth opens before he can think of it, ”Oh, miss Kuura... Would you like to have a dance with me?” Hande watches Julian's hand and laughs goodheartedly to his dramatic request. Julian is pretty sure Hande's thinking is pretending, but he still feels a little nervous. Finally Hande decides to save her teacher, ”Yes, I'd like that. Though, I must warn you, I haven't danced for a long time. I might be quite rusty.” Julian just chuckles and reassures his apprentice by saying that she'll be fine. Hande smiles to Julian again and gives her hand to him.

Julian places his hand on Hande's waist chastely and leads her to dance. His apprentice is a little tense at first, probably because they're first time this close to each other and because she is nervous about her dancing skills. ”Just relax, I got you,” Julian whispers to Hande, smiling to her reassuringly. Hande takes a deep breath and nods, trying to smile back, although the final result is a little lopsided. The current song is quite fast, just perfect for Julian. He guides Hande who seems to trust him enough and let the music, rhythm and Julian lead her. After a moment she relaxes and the dance feels more natural. Julian enjoys being this close to Hande, seeing her feeling comfortable in his arms. She's so vibrant, so beautiful... I haven't noticed it before. Julian tries to shake off his thoughts and have a little conversation with his apprentice, complimenting her dancing and telling how nice the evening has been. Hande smiles to him which makes him feel weak in his knees. She enjoys my company, her laughter, so full of joy. It almost makes me forget the current situation...

The dance is enchanting and Julian wants the moment to never end. The band starts to play a different song, much more speedy than the last one. This causes Julian to get an idea. He faces Hande with a little smirk on his face. ”Hande, do you trust me?” he asks. Hande looks at Julian a little hesitant, but then lets out a little laugh, ”Yes, I do trust you, Julian. But please, don't kill me.” Hande's last remark causes Julian to bark a laughter and whisper into her ear, ”I wouldn't dream of it.” He tightens his grip of Hande and leads her to the outskirts of the dance floor. Hande only gets a little warning to brace herself, before Julian lifts her, so she's now standing on a chair, and he soon follows suit. Then he rises on a longer table, taking Hande with her. She lets out a surprised yelp, but recovers soon. ”Why, Julian, are you suggesting, that we'd dance on the table?” Hande whispers her question, and Julian can hear her mischievous tone. Oh gods, she's a treasure.

Julian's smirk gets wider and he twirls Hande around before starting to dance properly. The band speeds up and patrons cheer to the duo while some of them try to save their pints. None of the things on the table gets knocked – Hande lets Julian lead her and he's done this before so he is very confident with his partner. The Rowdy Raven is filled with music, cheering and Hande's and Julian's laughter. Suddenly Hande takes the charge and dips Julian in the middle of the table, making him grab Hande for his life. Now it's Hande's turn to smirk and she leans in to whisper to Julian, ”Thank you, Julian. I didn't realise I needed this.” Julian blushes, but manages to give Hande a bashful smile, when Hande lifts him up and they continue their dance. Julian forgets everyone else and just gaze at Hande mesmerized, feeling happy for the first time for gods know how long. This intelligent, warm-hearted and beautiful person is dancing with him, smiling at him.

Oh shit. I think I have a crush.  

TRANSLATIONS:

¹ ”Excuse me. Are you from Hjalle?

² ”Yes. How can you talk Hjallean, are you from there, too?”

³ ”I was born in Karnassos. My mom is from Hjalle, but she belongs to Forest people.”

My AO3

[poetic-emptiness-fanfic]

75 for the angst prompts??

Thank you, @nvvermore! 😊 First I found it hard to come up with an idea for this, but then I remembered one of my ideas for Hande’s future... I hope you like it!

75. “Don’t pretend you haven’t thought about your life without me.”

Characters: Hande Kuura, Julian Devorak, Ilona Kuura-Devorak, Asra Alnazar & Muriel

Content warnings: postnatal depression & self-destructive thoughts

Words: 1 935

Worthless Mother

“Hande, my love, please... It’s 14:00 already, you need to get up.” Julian pleads while he opens the curtains of their bedroom. Hande is lying in the bed, feeling exhausted although she’s slept for over 12 hours. She covers her head with her blanket, but Julian gently pulls it away, causing his wife to groan. Why should you get up? You're just a failure, so it’d be better for you to just wither away. Julian smiles to her, but worry is clear in his eyes. Hande meets Julian's gaze but her eyes seem empty, emotionless. Julian knows that's not a good sign – Hande's having a bad day again. ”Please, darling. I understand you feel tired, but you feel even worse if you sleep in. What if you just sit up? I made you some breakfast.”

Julian offers his hand to Hande, who reluctantly takes it and let her husband help her to sit up. She knows, that Julian has closed his clinic early to help her, so she doesn't want to disappoint him by just sleeping. The breakfast looks delicious, but Hande doesn't feel hungry at all. ”Thank you,” she whispers, just staring at the tray with her favourite tea and lemon quark on it. Why is he going through the trouble to make all of this for me ? I don't deserve it. I'm a burden, but Julian puts on a brave face. Julian sits beside her, handing the bowl of quark to her encouragingly. He doesn't want to force her, but he also wants to make sure Hande eats – she's lost weight recently. Tentatively Hande takes the spoon and slowly eats the quark – she knows Julian won't leave until she's eaten it all.

Asra comes knocking on the bedroom door before coming in, ”How are you feeling, Hande?” Hande just shrugs, not meeting Asra's eyes. She feels embarrased that she needs so much help, that Asra and even Muriel have come to help her with chores. ”Saaga, Faust, Inanna and Malak are keeping an eye on the baby, so not to worry. I contacted your parents recently. They said they're more than happy to come and help you, as well.” ”That's great news!” Julian says, ”Now you don't need to worry about being alone while I'm at the clinic – I always feel bad leaving you.” He puts his arm on Hande's shoulders and kisses her temple, causing a lopsided smile rising on Hande's face. ”Thank you, Asra. And sorry for causing so much trouble,” Hande says woefully. ”Nonsense! You're currently unwell and you're my friend. I'd do anything to help you. And who would refuse a chance to spend time with Ilona?”

Muriel also enters the room, looking hesitant. ”I picked some flowers... If you want to have them here,” he mumbles to Hande. She forces a smile on her face, thanks him and asks Julian to get a vase for the flowers. After the flowers are on the nightstand Julian tells the duo that they can go home now. Asra comes to hug Hande and Muriel pats her on the shoulder, smiles and says, ”Take care,” before they get their familiars and leave the house. When Hande hears the front door closes behind them, her face drops again. No need to pretend anymore... She knows she can't fool Julian, so she doesn't bother. Julian takes her in his arms and hugs her tightly, ”I missed you,” he whispers into Hande's ear and leans in for a kiss. Hande answers the kiss, but does it mechanically. Julian's kiss is very tender and loving, but it still feels like nothing for Hande. Why is he still doing this? Is he keeping up appearances, although we're alone?

The moment is interrupted, when Saaga scurries to the room. She headbutts Hande's ankles and makes an eye contact, ”Baby crying.” And just like that, Ilona really starts to cry in the nursery. Hande freezes on the spot, anxiety taking over her body. No, no, no... Not again... Hande covers her ears and hyperventilates. What does the baby want? I should know, but I can't understand, it's making me crazy... Julian watches helplessly when his wife starts to rock herself on the verge of tears. He goes to Ilona, taking his daughter into his arms and speaking to her calmingly, “Shh, shh, shh... Ilonka, moje holčička, prosím, neplač. To je v pořádku, tati je tady.¹” Ilona still keeps crying, and her diaper is clean so she must be hungry. Julian doesn't want to upset Hande more, but now he has to. He goes back to their bedroom, rocking Ilona and babbling to her in Nevivic.

Hande looks frantic when Julian comes with Ilona. She feels so tired, she doesn't want to hear the baby's crying. Julian smiles to her woefully, letting Ilona suck his forefinger so that Hande wouldn't have a panic attack. ”My love, Ilona is hungry.” Hande doesn't understand, how Julian could know that, but she clutches her hands into fists and closes her eyes. Deep breaths. I need to feed the baby, and the baby won't eat if I'm nervous. After a moment she nods to Julian who gives Ilona to Hande. She manages to keep her hands steady, although her movements are still very mechanic. While Ilona is eating, Hande just stares at her, and tries to hold her properly, because that what's she's supposed to do. Julian has come to sit next to her again, drawing circles on her back with his palm. It actually helps Hande to calm down.

Ilona feels so strange in her arms. Sometimes Hande can't even believe she has given birth to this being, although she remembers the fear, the pain, midwife's calming presence and Julian holding her hand, stroking her cheek and whispering encouraging words to her. Ilona also has her mother's blue eyes and snub nose – and still Hande doesn't feel the baby is hers. What kind of a mother you are, being sad and anxious when you're near the baby, your own daughter? Worthless, stupid, bad... Her eyes start to prickle with tears again. After Ilona has eaten enough, Julian gives praises for Hande and takes Ilona so he could burp her. Hande watches her husband and daughter, how Julian grins lovingly at their daughter, kissing her on her cheek and how he manages to make Ilona smile to him. Witnessing this sight gets Hande eaten up with jealousy. Why is it so easy for him? The baby likes him more... Well, I can't love the baby enough, so no wonder... Silent tears now falling along her cheeks Hande curls herself into a ball and stares into nothing.

After burping Ilona starts to coo in her father's arms. Julian notices she's watching at Hande's direction and babbles to her daughter, ”Kdo je tam? Je to maminka? Ano, to je mami!²“ Hande can understand Nevivic a little, but she doesn’t hear Julian or notice, that her daughter is trying to make contact with her. Dark thoughts keep poisoning her mind. You’re worthless, a pain in everyone's ass! Julian only stays with you because of the baby. It would be better if you just died, everyone would be happy if you were gone! Hande startles a little when she notices that Julian has kneeled in front of her, making her notice Ilona. The baby still keeps cooing, shaking her little hands and when Hande makes eye contact, she smiles. Hande forces the corners of her mouth up and tentatively presents her forefinger to Ilona. The girl grabs the finger, shrieking excitedly. Fool. You shouldn't trust me. I only cause you harm and sorrow.

Hande suddenly pulls her finger away, curling herself into a ball once more. Julian looks confused – he was happy to see how Hande had offered her finger to Ilona, but now she seems to have shut herself off completely. He nuzzles Ilona, but then turns his gaze to Hande. ”Han? My love? What's the matter, dear?” he asks his voice filled with worry. For a moment Hande speaks nothing, but then she hisses, ”Don't pretend you haven't thought about your life without me!” Julian looks dumbfounded. He decides it's better to take Ilona back to the nursery. After that she returns to the bedroom and kneels in front of Hande once more. ”Darling? What did you mean by that?” he asks. He can see Hande is crying, but doesn't dare to touch her, if she's angry at him. After the anxious silence Hande finally mumbles, ”You regret being with me. I only cause harm to everyone. I've failed as a wife and a mother... I'll ruin our child...” Her mumbling turns into sobbing and she hides her face behind her arms, trembling.

Julian's heart breaks by her words and the sight of her. So that's been bothering her – for how long, he couldn't tell. Now Julian needs to fight back tears himself – it's devastating for him to see how the mind of the love of his life is trying to convince her that she's worthless. Her brave, kindhearted, intelligent Hande, hating herself... Julian climbs onto their bed, laying his right hand on Hande's shoulder. ”Hande? Could you please look at me?” Slowly Hande raises her head, but she's unable to meet her husband's eyes. Well, that must be enough for now, Julian thinks. He starts to stroke her shoulder while he speaks, ”Hande... My love... My sunlight and stars... The light of my life... I have never regretted being with you. Yes, some time ago I thought about my life without you, how would it be, but you know what? It made me feel miserable! Just the thought of living my life without you made me feel utterly lost and a life that's not worth living...”

Julian now places his palm on Hande's cheek, gently stroking it with his thumb. Now Hande makes an eye contact, and it makes Julian's hurt jump a little. ”Hande, my love, you're just sick now. This is not the real you, and I know that. You haven't failed as a mother! I can see you love Ilona – you wouldn't try this much if you didn't. What kind of a husband I would be, if I wouldn't stand by your side? You were there for me, when I was a suspect for a murder! We promised to help each other, and I'm going to keep that promise. Not because I feel obliged to, but because I love you.” Hande blinks her eyes, her expression melting a little. Julian feels an urge to prove Hande how much he loves her and whispers, ”Darling, can I kiss you?” Hande nods and Julian leans in, closing the distance between them. Firstly, he gently kisses Hande's tears away from her cheeks and the reaches for her lips. They feel chapped, but Julian doesn't care, but caresses them with his own. Time seems to stop and Julian feels like Hande's body comes to life, at least a little.

Reluctantly Julian draws away, so they both could breath. A bashful smile rises to Hande's lips and Julian takes her into his arms. Hande takes in Julian's familiar scent, leaning into his touch, humming contentedly. Hande answers the hug and whispers, how sorry she is for speaking to Julian like that. ”It's okay my love. I love you so much, and I will always be there for you, remember that. We will get through this, with the help of our family and friends – I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you'll get better, I promise.”

If only Hande could believe it.

TRANSLATIONS:

¹ ”Ilonka, my little girl, please, don't cry. It's okay, daddy's here.”

² ”Who's there? Is that mommy? Yes, that's mommy!”

[poetic-emptiness-fanfic]

A Cute Little Rascal (Echoes of the Past 8: Familiars)

Characters: Hande Kuura, Julian Devorak, Sardar Gul, Helena Kuura, Salma Kuura (mentioned) & Saaga the black cat

Content warnings: suggestive themes & a mention of animal abuse

Words: ~2 900

@arcana-echoes

I am walking along a bazaar with Julian, hand in hand. My mind is swirling with thoughts: only a few days ago I had found my parents, who had thought for all these years, that all of their children are dead. And if that's not enough, I have also learned, that I had a little sister, Salma, who have died in a horrible accident. Of course that scene was the only memory that I got back – a 14-year-old girl picking a ball of yarn and then crushed under horses' hooves and wheels of a carriage... Now I'm grieving a person who I can't even remember... And Lucio had been there too, and the accident was his fault, if indirectly so... This is too much to handle – luckily Julian is with me, letting me rant to him everything that comes to my mind when we're cuddling on a bed in the guest room my parents have provided to us. It's also strange to see faces which have some shared facial features and manners with me, and also longing in their eyes, but at the same time they are complete strangers to me... I want to remember, but I just can't.

As if he could read my thoughts, Julian squeezes my hand and then raises it to kiss the back of my palm. I turn to face him and he smiles me encouragingly, ”Darling, I know it must be hard, but please, try to loosen up a little – it doesn't help if you just harbor all this new knowledge in your head. Your my little fighter, and I know you can handle this thing as well – you have defeated the Devil, this is a piece of cake!” Ah, always a smooth-talker, this one... But I have to admit, I love him for it. Still, it's easier said than done to ”loosen up”, with all the things we and I have experienced, ”I appreciate this, really. It's just... You lost your memories, too, but you got them back. And you didn't find out your parents are alive and mourning you, and that your little sister has died and now only memory of her I have is that accident...And of course I can't get rid of Lucio, either...”

Julian seems pensive now, but I know he understands my train of thought all too well. After all, he lived three years of his life thinking he had killed now ex-Count Lucio, although he didn't do it. We continue walking in silence, until we hear fast-paced music nearby. Julian leads me to see, what's going on: there's a local band playing traditional music. I enjoy the music, but when I glance at Julian, a bad feeling takes control of my mind, for there's a sly grin on Julian's face. Oh no... I know that look... Before I can say anything, Julian grasps my waist and makes me dance with him in front of the band. People around the band start cheering and clapping to the beat of the music which only excites Julian even more. I can't help, but follow his lead while he swirls us around, never missing a beat. After I've recovered my shock, my lips start to twitch upwards. Julian notices that and waggles his eyebrows which makes me burst into laughter – damn this silly dork of mine.

The band speeds up the rhythm of the song even further and we keep swirling and laughing and I don't even know how long it's been anymore. I'm starting to feel dizzy when the song comes to a sudden end. Julian stops us in time and steadies me, when the audience and even the band members start applauding us. With a dramatic flair Julian starts to bow to them and makes me follow in suit. Then he leads me away from the crowd, laughing to his heart's content while I'm trying to catch my breath, chuckling as well. Then, suddenly, Julian sneakily ushers me out of the bazaar to a back alley nearby and I get confused. Julian dusts off my clothes, smiling absentmindedly, ”I don't wish to overwhelm you with my antics, dear. Umm... Did it help, though?” I answer his smile and nod, saying ”Thank you,” before I rise to my toes and kiss him on his nose. My smile turns into a grin when I see him blush like I just kissed him for the first time ever.

”Oh Hande... Always finding a way to surprise me...” Julian chuckles, out of breath. His gaze intensifies and he leans to whisper to my ear, ”This reminds me, do you want to know what would've happened in that back alley in South End if the guards hadn't come after you had fallen into the reservoir?” Now it's my turn to be surprised. ”Well, what?” I ask – the memory of that time makes my skin crawl, and I don't want to reminisce me or him bleeding. But Julian boxes me up against the wall and he leans closer to close the distance between our faces. I'm still a little confused, until he starts to nuzzle my nose. Oh. My breath catches in my throat and then Julian turns his head so his lips can meet mine. His other hand slithers to cradle the nape of my neck while his lips caress mine. I totally forget we are still in the public and my hands find his hair. I try to close our distance even more when I accidentally tug his hair and he winces a little. I manage to stammer, ”I'm sor--” before I get interrupted by Julian's kiss, now more fervent than the last one. I try to break out of the kiss to tell him this is not the best place, but my brain just turns off when he lifts me up and and carefully pushes me againts the wall, and starts to kiss my neck.  

”Hungry...”

I get alarmed by a voice and get snapped back to reality. Julian doesn't seem to notice anything, so I hiss, ”Julian, stop! I heard something.” After a moment Julian lets me go, looking confused. ”I didn't hear anything...” he whispers, but I stand my ground, ”I heard someone, I'm sure of it!” I start to look around the alley for any signs of life. There! I see a little creature running from behind a barrel to the shadows of the alley. It was probably a stray dog or a cat, so I want to follow it – I don't think these animals belong to streets. ”Please, Julian, I saw a cat or a dog running over there. I want to help it...” I whisper pleadingly. Julian just smiles and nods and I start to silently approach the place the creature ran, Julian following right behind me. Now I see the creature: it's a black kitten, trying to hide from us. It turns its head towards us and its eyes are emerald green. Its gaze is mesmerizing, even when it tries to puff itself to look bigger and hisses at us.

I slowly crouch down while Julian silently awws to the kitten. I keep my eye contact with the cat and start talking to it, ”It's okay, little one. I'm not going to hurt you. You poor little thing, why are you alone out here? Are you hungry? I have dried fish if you want some.” I carefully reach my bag and take a few dried fish and put them in front of me. Then I back off a little to give the kitten some space. It's eyeing me cautiously, but then its curiosity and hunger take over and it start to approach us. After sniffing my offerings it wolfs them down very quickly. The kitten licks its lips and meets my gaze again.

”Thank you.”

I get dumbfounded. I'm sure I heard the kitten say ”thank you” to me. ”Did you... Just talk to me?” I ask in astonishment. Julian gawks at me like I'm a lunatic, but I still look at the kitten. It blinks its eyes and although it doesn't open its mouth, I can hear it answering, ”Yes.” Holy... Is this kitten my..? But I haven't have one before! Though, usually stray kittens don't start to trust people this quickly so maybe it sensed I meant no harm. ”Wow... This is... I'm sorry, I've never had a kitten answering to my talking before. Why are you all alone? Where's your mom?” The kitten looks at the ground and its tail is whipping back and forth. ”Dead,” it finally says. My heart breaks a little after hearing that and I gulp, ”I'm so sorry... Well, do you have any siblings? I can help them, too.” The kitten now turns to look at me, and it even manages to look sad somehow, ”Dead,” the kitten answers again.

I'm speechless: this little thing is all alone, and it probably has witnessed death of all of its family. I swallow back tears and the image of my own sister crushed on the street creeps back to my mind. I shake my head to get rid of it and concentrate to communicate with the kitten, ”That is horrible... Have anyone else tried to help you before?” The kitten turns its head, still watching me with interest. ”Some gave food. Some kicked,” it answers. I should have guessed... Some of the people are so stupid that they think black cats bring bad luck. Well, I'm not going to leave this kitten to live on the streets – I have seen, what it does to animals who are not supposed to live there. ”Please, let me take you. I can get you to an animal healer and well... Because we can talk like this, I think you're my familiar. My name is Hande and I'm a magician.” I offer my hand to the kitten and it comes to sniff it. After a moment it headbutts my palm and starts purring. My heart melts immediately. Julian awws again and turns to look at me.

”Erm... Did you notice you had this whole conversation in Karnassian?” Julian asks with a mixture of confusion and excitement in his voice. My mouth drops open and I stare at him questioningly, ”I did?” He nods and asks what the kitten had said – luckily Julian understands Karnassian pretty well so I don't need to tell him everything. When I tell him this kitten is an orphan, Julian begins to bemoan at its fate and tries to offer his hand for it. The kitten backs off a little and puffs itself again. I immediately try to calm it, ”It's okay! He's Julian, he's my partner. He's one of the most kindhearted people I know.” The kitten looks dubious, but starts to sniff Julian's hand nevertheless. ”He okay,” the kitten states after a while. I laugh and carefully take the kitten into my arms. ”This little one said you're okay, Julian,” I chuckle and he starts to laugh too. Together we walk away from the alley to seek for an animal healer.

A few hours later

”Isn't she a cute little rascal,” Helena coos at the kitten who has already made herself at home in the house of my parents. Of course she's still a little undernourished, but with the help of the animal healer and some of my own magic the kitten is clean and looks much healthier. Sardar and Julian are no better, all of them adoring the black cat. ”Julian noticed she also triggered my Karnassian. I didn't even realise she talked to me in it so it was bizarre when Julian said that I had a whole conversation in my forgotten mother tongue.” Sardar especially looks at me pleased, and I see a single tear falling from his eye. I haven't yet been able to call him my father, or Helena my mother – it feels too strange since I've only known them for a few days. I keep petting the kitten who purrs loudly because of all the attention she's getting.

”We need to name you, little one,” I say to her fondly. She looks at me a playful glint in her eyes, but there's also some kind of mysterious wisdom behind it. ”Agree,” she purrs. I turn to face Helena, ”Since I communicate with my familiar – it's so strange, I still can't believe I finally have one – in Karnassian, I'd like to name her with Hongas name. Do you have any suggestions?” Helena smiles at me fondly, rises up and takes a little book from a shelf. ”Here,” she says, ”This is a book with Forestian names and their meanings. If you can't understand it, just say and I translate it to you,” I smile and open the book. To my surprise I can read it. I'm almost moved for noticing this – I may have lost my memories, but I haven't forgotten my mother tongues. I keep leafing the book, until one name and its meaning pique my interest. ”Hey, little one! What about this one? Saaga – it means prose stories and histories made in South, and it also means fairytale in Hjallean and originally the name had meant 'a seer',” I chirp to the kitten. It stretches its little body and blinks before answering, ”I like.”

I grin to her and wink, ”Saaga it is, then. Welcome to the family!” I tap on my lap, and Saaga jumps onto it. Without a warning a vision overtakes me: a young girl with brown, curly hair and green eyes cooing to a calico cat at the marketplace. She looks at me, grinning widely, ”Look Gorilla, he likes me!” she exclaims and I start to laugh. ”Who could not like you since you're such a monkey?” I bark at her which makes her laugh as well. I start to pet the cat, too, and he starts to purr contented. After that the scene fades and I just stare at a wall, petting Saaga absentmindedly. ”What is it love? Did something happen?” Julian asks and gently strokes my upper back. ”I... Did Salma like cats?” I ask looking at my parents. They stare at each other looking surprised and then Sardar meets my eyes, ”Yes... Cats were her favourite animals.” Helena turns to me and continues, ”You even knitted her a cat toy as gift when she turned 11 years. Please, follow me, both of you,” she says and looks at Julian. We glance at each other, I let Saaga jump onto the floor and I follow Helena to the upstairs, Julian right behind my heel.

We follow Helena to a corridor which leads left. She stops at the second door. ”This was Salma's bedroom. We have kept it as it was before she...” Helena's voice dies before she can finish the sentence. I pat her shoulder and hope it comforts her. She sniffs silently and opens the door. The room is full of soft colours: pastel pink and blue, as well as some turquoise. The wall is decorated with painted flowers (probably made by Sardar). In one corner stands a barbat and the bed is neatly made. On the bed there's a white cat toy. Helena steps into the room, carefully takes the cat on the bed and hands it to me. ”You were 13, when you knitted this. You begged me to let you knit in my studio so Salma wouldn't notice,” Helena chuckles to the memory before she continues, ”You wanted to make it fluffy, but I was so busy with my work I didn't have time to help you. Later I noticed you had figured it out yourself: you had carded the yarn so it looked like a cat's fur. I was so proud of you, and Salma adored the gift. It was her favourite toy and she even slept with it, till the end.”

I take the toy and inspect it. It's quite carefully done, considering I was 13 when I made it. The fur is indeed fluffy. The toy has two pearls as eyes: one green and one blue. I also have embroidered a snout and a mouth and made whiskers from from pieces of yarn. It feels so strange to hold something I've done, but don't remember doing. I can still sense the fondness and joy from it – the toy really has been meaningful, made with love to someone I cared really deeply. A single tear escapes the corner of my eye. I try to sniff quietly, but both Helena and Julian notice and they take me into their arms. Now I'm swallowing back more tears and press the toy against my chest, holding it like a lifeline. Suddenly I feel a pressure on my ankle. I look down and there's Saaga, headbutting my ankles. She turns to face me, ”Hande sad?” she asks tentatively. I chuckle, wiping away my tears before I answer, ”Kind of, yes, no. Well... It's more like bittersweetness.” Helena and Julian let me go so I can pick Saaga. I nuzzle her head and whisper,

”Thank you, for giving me a happy memory of my sister.”

Concluding remark:

When Saaga and Hande get to know each other better, they learn more about how Saaga can help with Hande's magic

Saaga can smell diseases, illnesses, injuries or poisonings of people and animals (physical or mental)

She can locate water underground using her hearing and sense of smell

Saaga is able to guide Hande in the dark, whether it's natural or magical darkness. She also can help Hande move through realms

She can banish a parasite or disease from trees

Like seen in this fic, she is able to sense Hande's moods and feelings and shares her company to her friend especially when she's feeling sad or otherwise miserable

Sometimes Saaga helps Hande to pick ingredients for her potions

My AO3

[poetic-emptiness-fanfic]

From kissing prompts - maybe 26 for Hande and Julian?😌

Thank you, @evarcana! 😊 

26. Brushing a kiss along the shell of the other person’s ear.

It’s been a long day, so Hande and Julian have decided to just relax during the evening. The couple is on the sofa of their living space, Julian lying against Hande’s chest while reading a book out loud for her. Hande is hugging her partner, caressing his biceps and occasionally nuzzling his neck.

The atmosphere is warm, safe. Julian’s voice is soothing and Hande wishes this moment would never end. She turns her head slightly, taking in Julian’s familiar scent. The magician let her lips ghost on the doctor’s skin. This causes his voice to tremble a little, but he still continues reading.

Hande doesn’t even know what’s happening in the book anymore - she’s way too focused on caressing Julian. After ghosting her lips over his neck the magician finally finds the shell of his ear and kisses it tenderly.  Hande can see that Julian’s ears are now bright red and he’s fallen silent.

The doctor closes the book and places it on the nearby table. After that he carefully turns around to face Hande. Julian is flushed, but he still gives Hande his trademark grin, “Well, darling, did you already get bored of my voice?”

Hande answers to her partner’s smirk equally, “Oh, dearest, perish the thought! Is it illegal to show attention to the person I love?” Julian chuckles, looking dreamily at her mouth. “Not at all,” he whispers before he draws Hande closer so their lips could meet.

[poetic-emptiness-fanfic]

"You asleep?" for the soft sentence starters?? :3

FINALLY! Many thanks for your ask, @soft-girl-musings and sorry it took me so long to write this! I hope you like it! 😊

Characters: Julian Devorak & Hande Kuura

Content warning: angst with happy ending, mild suggestive themes

Words: 1 352

Nocturnal Musings

Hande can't sleep.

She's in a guesthouse in Nevivon, lying in a bed and staring at the ceiling. The love of her life is lying right beside her, apparently sleeping. They have arrived to Julian's hometown three days ago, after spending weeks at sea. Numerous thoughts are revolving in her mind; she has been a detective investigating a murder that never even happened, found out that she's been revived after succumbing to the Red Plague, fallen in love with a person in just a couple of weeks and defeated The Devil – and these are just a tip of an iceberg. Everything feels so surreal. Hande turns to look at Julian; his auburn hair shimmers in the moonlight and his face looks so serene she could burst to tears.

How is it possible, that this beautiful, intelligent and kindhearted man has fallen for her, of all people? She's nothing special – quite boring actually if you leave out the rising from the dead bit. She hasn't been in love with anyone before, or if she had she doesn't remember that. Hande and Julian have even moved together over two months ago, but it all had happened so fast... She doesn't quite get it and alongside happiness, fear haunts her mind. Do I deserve this happiness? How long does it last before I'll lose this? Anxiety rises from her chest, that hideously familiar feeling which hasn't tormented her for quite a long time... Hande tries to calm herself – anxiety attack is the last thing she wants to have right now. Just deep breaths... You're alright, no one's going to leave you... But what if Julian grows tired of me? Shit, just pull yourself together! Why can't you just be happy? She doesn't want to wake Julian who doesn't sleep too well, but now she feels like she could explode if she didn't confide in him about her insecurities.

”You asleep?” Hande whispers to her lover uncertainly. Although Julian is quite a light sleeper, she wishes he doesn't wake up so she won't ruin his good night's sleep. Fat chance – Julian's already squinting his eyes and turns to face her. Sleepy smile rises to his lips when he sees Hande.

”My little birdie, why are you awake?” After a little silence he grins mischievously, ”Wait... Don't tell me you're up for round two..?”

Hande's cheeks begin to burn and she smiles very bashfully. Yes, they had gone all the way for the first time that evening – the memory of that still makes Hande feel giddy. She doesn't know what to say so she just fidgets the blanket and silence becomes embarrassing. Julian stops smiling and sits up looking Hande concerned, ”My love, is something bothering you? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you...”

”No, it isn't that... It's quite stupid actually... I'm sorry I woke you up, I shouldn't have done that...”

”Můj miláček, you can always wake me up if you need to talk. I can see something's troubling you, so please, tell me what's it.”

Hande sighs deeply – she clearly isn't the only one who can notice when something isn't quite right. She tries to think how to describe her feelings to Julian, ”Ummm... I... I... Am I worth it?”

”Worth of what?”

”This,” Hande whispers and gestures the bed and Julian. The man looks a little confused and looks at his lover questioningly. A sigh slips out of Hande's mouth – she's still afraid of confessing her insecurities. Julian notices her hesitation, then carefully places his hand on hers and smiles at her encouragingly. After seeing Julian's face Hande finally finds her voice.

”I'm afraid... Don't get me wrong, I love you and I trust you! I just... I really haven't been in a relationship before, or at least I don't remember if I have been in one... And... When I was resurrected, I didn't know who I was. I couldn't speak, I couldn't walk, I didn't recognize Asra who was holding me when I woke up... He needed to reteach me how to be a human again, I was dependent on him for a long time – for almost a year. I didn't have anyone else in my life, so when Asra started to leave for his journeys I got terrified... I was left all alone, I had no one to be with or to talk to... If I dared to leave the shop alone people were staring at me and whispering behind my back, and I didn't know why... I felt like I didn't belong anywhere... Then I met you, and when we went to the marketplace, I felt for the first time in my life that I was part of a community. You made me feel alive and you were so kind, funny, intelligent and handsome and charismatic and loved by everyone... And still you were interested in me and you still are... I'm just a boring woman without her past and who can do some magic... And I feel like I'm deceiving you, that you think I'm something more even though I'm not! I fear that you grow tired of me and --”

Woman's nervous rambling is interrupted when Julian presses his forefinger against her lips. When Hande stops talking, he asks her to breathe. After that Julian takes his lover into his arms and hugs her tightly. Hande feels safe and calm in his embrace and enjoys the closeness of Julian. A little later Julian starts to speak, ”I didn't realise you're struggling with that... I'm sorry... You always seem so brave and confident.”

”I can pretend to be those things, when I feel I have to...”

”Oh, my darling, I love you – to the moon and back,” Julian states earnestly, ”I never thought I'd find love or happiness, and even when I met you and found out that you saw something lovable in me – me, a pathetic wretch – I didn't believe everything would turn out fine. But it did! And I feel same way about you; I still can't believe that such a beautiful, astute, gracious and gifted magician would find me worthy of her love.”

Hande's cheeks are burning – she still finds it hard to accept praises, even after being in a relationship with his complimenting disaster doctor, ”You're too kind, Ilya...”

”Nonsense! It isn't kindness if it's the truth,” Julian leans closer to Hande and gently kisses her temple, ”I love that you have the courage to be yourself, even when you are afraid that people won't accept you. Believe me, not everyone can do that. Besides, a wise person once told me that you don't need to earn affection – you can just have it. And I want to give you everything I'm able to give.” After a moment, Julian pulls away from the embrace, takes Hande's face in his hands and looks sincerely in her eyes, ”Hande, I could never grow tired of you. Jsi láska mého života.”

Hande lowers her gaze, looking sheepish, ”I'm sorry, love... Troubling you for nothing... You must find me quite annoying...”

But Julian doesn't let Hande speak anymore – instead, he curls his fingers around the back of her neck and leans towards her until their lips meet. Surprised, Hande startles at first, but soon after she melts into his touch. After a little eternity she reluctantly draws away from the kiss.

”Seriously... You're using my trick against me?”

Julian waggles his eyebrows playfully, ”What can I say, darling? I learnt from the best! Ah, is that a smile I see? It makes my heart flutter...” Then he slowly lays down on a bed and pats a space next to him, ”Oh, my gracious Queen, would you grant me the honor of cuddling with me?”

A chuckle escapes Hande's mouth as she complies to her lover's request. As if a huge weight has fallen from her shoulders, Hande notices that her eyelids have begun to feel heavy. Before she drifts  off to sleep, she manages to whisper four words to Julian's ear, ”Thank you, my love.”

”Kdykoli, můj nejdražší.”

[poetic-emptiness-fanfic]

🏠

Ilona almost remained Hande’s and Julian’s only child. Ilona really was hoped child for both of them, but after giving birth to Ilona, Hande got postnatal depression. It made Ilona’s first year very hard for her family, but especially for Hande, who had to deal with guilt and self-loathing for being “a bad mother”.

She became afraid, that depression would renew if she and Julian had another child. Hande still thought it would be nice for Ilona to have a sibling, but it took some time before Hande had courage to try for a baby again. About three years after birth of Ilona, Salma was born. Luckily Hande didn’t become depressed this time.