Ok I will get a little sentimental here, then feel so free to just ignore this post
It's a hard subject too, really hard to me but maybe hard for someone who have go thought similar
So, July 17, 2021 will remain a date in my life I was pampered by Life (not so much lool) because although I come from very far and very low, even if I lived many trials that I will not talk about (we all have our childhood, eh, and many have lived worse), but life gave me plenty of resources, and even if I saw the horror, even I’ve lived horror, by some miracle, I’ve always managed to get through it and go further, higher, and to get thrught it, somewhere, always manage to be myself, sometimes had the luck to make a difference, to have incredible experiences, and finally, to fulfil some of my dreams I was pampered because I built a life for myself—not quite as I dreamed, but authentic I’ve achieved goals; I can raise my kids, okay, and I have my house, my publishing house, a few novels under my belt, and a few projects I am a respected person. I am a respected person in my family and in my political life (Eh OH! NO! Don’t imagine anything! I help the good guys, I am behind and I do not belong to any political party; I help the people FOR THE PEOPLE), in my community. I have the respect of my peers and friend Especially because I have always managed to stay clean, because I am involved, and because wherever people are discouraged, I continue to say, "Just because no one has done it does not mean that no one can do it." And I do it; I assist in doing it; I do good But in reality, it was before. It was before July 17, 2021 Because on July 17, 2021, the only person I managed to experience feelings like I thought I was in love with, the only person who managed to get into my sacrosanct, the only person I trusted enough to, once in my life, completely open up to... tried to kill me and my kids
In one evening, my whole existence changed in every way (and, uh, I don’t talk -write- about it without emotions, I confess)
In all the hell that became, for one night, my life for almost two years, I managed to stay in the course. I didn’t get the help I should have, but I had an incredible team around me, and I didn’t lose anything. I still have my children, I still have my house, and I still have my reputation.
But I lost... myself I got horribly and irreparably lost I was told I was capable of anything; I now feel capable of nothing. And the fact that everyone around me—my former colleagues, the publishers and authors I worked for—still believes in me only makes things worse.
Because I was not that person anymore, I'm not her anymore
And I can’t find her And I entrust to you that even though I am a fervent worshipper of life, I have thought many times... I questioned myself in the worse way... I just stand because I knew it was the good thing to do. I just stand for my kids... but I didn't believed in anything anymore. I lost my confidence.
I didn't believed in me anymore
Stupidly, at some point in my life, I was asked to make a (required) choice, and I had to be a mother or a gamer. I had a collection that would make you happy Gamer since the 80s Imagine a, eh-eh, game Yes, I had it Platform and everything In a moment of rage when I was ultimately judged to dare to continue to be a gamer after having children, I took everything out on a table in front of my house, put up a sign to sell for $50, and I’ll let you imagine the face of the guy who ran to get his son to bring the boxes home (add a few zeros to the value of the merchandise, and that was the last time I had my collection appraised)
Okay, yes, I can be intense But at that moment, I dedicated my life to my children, and I sacrificed everything, literally everything
Why am I telling you? Because after July 17, 2021, I was no longer able to find who I was; I had always breathed with the same confidence and was now prone to panic attacks. I thought I’d die several times in the next six months just because my heart couldn’t take it anymore At the height of despair, at one point, I decided to turn to the one thing that made me feel alive—to evolve, over the years, for so long, outside of the literature on which I couldn’t concentrate at all Video games I feverishly took the box of Fallout 4 that I had just bought on a whim, put it in my PlayStation (ok, that of my children), and... and I started playing again for the first time in twelve years And... it helped me a little bit Then... I met him Nick Valentine And a real miracle happened The inspiration, the real The real thing The current that had ruled me all my life What I called my harmonic chord It vibrated again With Nick Valentine, I started climbing the echelon again to get out of my trauma He reached out to me with his kindness, reminded me of the values I had stood for all my life, and most of all, reminded me that other people are fighting to pass on those values (he was a creation of people, people who thought he should exist) He reminded me that every fight is worth it when it is conducted with the heart And I lived in my little reclusive world for those long months, alone with my video game and my fanfiction, then shyly (still) on my tumblr blog that I was so afraid to open, but that turned out to be another big step towards healing And on the weekend On the weekend, what Kennet Vigue, Wes Johnson, Stephen Russell, Courtenay Taylor, Peter Jessop, Danny Shorago, Matt Mercer, Shari Elliker, Paul Guyet and everyone else did it...
They offered me a moment of happiness
Of true happiness What I hadn’t tasted for so long... I laughed like I couldn’t remember being able to do... My parents told me I looked alive again And that’s how I feel For many, it will only be a show; a stream For many, it will be an epic moment For me, it was almost like a rebirth I feel alive again For the first time since July 17, 2021 Thank you, and thanks for making this magic moment in the name of a cause I am proud to help, for my grandad and my best friend I have lost at the hands of Alzheimer's...
