#hateaddiction

[a-n-dh-o-p-e]

Relapse...

Until you feel let down, you don't realize how somebody else's actions has allowed you to feel elevated... I am so sad, my mind is spinning, "I told you so..." whispering in my ear... Why does the expectations we have of others take so much space in our mind, our thoughts and hearts. When we love someone, we think that we can say, influence or impact someone's choices Even when I know better... I study this. I know to let go... I probably will repost my own stuff, just to remind myself that during active addiction, I managed to find serenity... I know better... I am just sad... scared. I can't let this disease rob me of my role as his mama to continue to pray for him.

[a-n-dh-o-p-e]

[a-n-dh-o-p-e]

[a-n-dh-o-p-e]

20 15 from despair to Hope, 2016 a year of Faith

2015: My son went into rehab, by his own choosing, 2 months after an expensive battle for me to get full custody of him, 2 months before his 18th birthday. I lost...Yes, I was trying to get full custody, so I would have full control of forcing him into Rehab. Crazy, right? Even the judge thought so, I am sure... I know that it was. I was scared to death of the walk my son was in. I believe, that the fear of the grip that drugs had on him, drove me and I think, knowing the outcome of "loosing" in court, I would do it all over again. What I did not know...is that my son, was using drugs that my mind could not even grasp. His behavior was out of control, and my instinct told me what my brain could not. In rehab, during parent night, I was in shock, to the truth of my sons addiction, it was far worst than I could even imagine. I will always cherish the openness that my son had at the 4 weeks in rehab, and the reality that lies ahead for him. One thing that we all learned on family night, if you enable an addict, you kill them... This came out directly from sober addicts, not me. I know that enabling is very easy for a parent to do. I work hard at recognizing it, so that I do not do it. I think that I have learned a lot about enabling, but what drives me, as hard as it is, is "life or death" for my son. I am not very popular with others, but I am clear and determined to fight for my sons life. He knows it... He has told me so. That helps me, but it's not necessary. I love him beyond any words can express. His recovery is his future. With addiction as his disease, any hope and dreams he has to becoming an attorney, will not realize, unless he is sober. In reading addict recovery blogs, I have tried to understand what it must be like, to be the addict. Their struggle is beyond understanding. As a mom, I can only speak for myself, and other parents that have shared their grief and fear, we also go through a journey, that unless you have an addict child, it is incomprehensible. My son is on a journey, he has made remarkable progress. I am proud of him. He has learned so much, and has met incredible mentors like Tyler. I have learned that I am not in control... I have learned to surrender, I have learned that prayer is the only effective action that really works. I am on a journey as well. My only goal, is to continue to learn what I need to do, that will allow my son, to stay on course. Recovery. 2016, a year of Faith, a year of expecting only the best for him.

[a-n-dh-o-p-e]

Have I been duped by my addict?

So happy to see my son, it had been a month! Minutes of spending time, he tells me how excited he is, he’s starting an express semester at college. He wants me to buy him a new Mac Laptop for school. I listened, but he could tell, since I have not given him any money for at least 6 months. His argument is that I don’t believe in him or support his goals. I tell him that I support recovery, and sober, he can and will succeed. He senses my response, as a No, then moves into other hurtful words, wants out of my car. Told him to just let me think about it! Well, I ended up giving him my 5 year old Mac laptop pro... So? Enabling or just a tool for him?

[a-n-dh-o-p-e]

From anger to forgiving

In the past year, I have realized that fear, has slowly slipped to anger. For me right now it’s my sons life. He is in active addiction. Living a college-party life, having “fun”. I’m so afraid he will OD. When I am in a mental state of hate and anger, then I don’t “feel” fear… Cleverly the fear, I have figured out how to control, with anger. Emotions boils up in me, and it gives me adrenaline, and I have come to prefer, the state of anger over fear. I hate addiction. It is evil. It’s a disease, rooted in the mind but attacks the spirit. It is spiritual warfare. It enters a life and wrecks the entire family. I have anger towards those who enable him, those who tempt him. Those who minimize or do not understand that an addict is not a typical partier. I have noticed that anger turns to hatred… I have to forgive, I have to be open to the fact that my anger is actually hurting me. My heart was aching, I reached out to my priest. I know God commands us to love, to forgive… I am cantering the Psalm this Sunday… I pray that I am worthy to stand and sing the words to Psalm 15…

[a-n-dh-o-p-e]

Saint Max Kolbe patron Saint of Addiction

On the return road of reaction the being endowed with free will meets with difficulties and oppositions, and God permits these trials in order to strengthen that being so much the more in its striving toward him. In order that the being may have sufficient strength for it, it must pray, it must ask for that strength from him, who is the source of all strength and who looks upon the efforts of his creatures with love and desires that it come sincerely to him, for he does not stint his aid. Even if that creature, that dear child of his, stumbles on the way, falls, soils itself, wounds itself, that merciful Father cannot look upon its misfortune. He sends down his only begotten Son, who by his life and teaching points out to him a bright and sure road. By his Sacred Blood of infinite value he washes away the dirt and heals the wounds.

“Knights,” “battles” … these are all terms that have a warlike connotation. Ours, however, is not a war fought with rifles, machine guns, cannon, airplanes, poison gas … but still it is a real war. What tactics do we adopt? Before all else, prayer. Some Catholics, less well instructed in the task of perfecting souls, often seem to do the opposite. Work, action??according to them is the fulcrum of apostolic action. But such is not the case. Prayer, prayer especially, is the effective weapon to use in the struggle for the liberation and happiness of souls. Why? Because only supernatural means can lead to a supernatural end. Heaven (if one may say so) means the divinization of the soul, a supernatural reality in the full sense of the term. Consequently it cannot be secured by merely natural means. A supernatural means is also indispensable, i.e., divine grace. This is obtained by humble and confident prayer. Grace, nothing else but grace. which enlightens. The mind and strengthens the will, is the cause of conversion or the liberation, i.e., the deliverance of souls from the bonds of evil. But a prayer offered to God through the hands of the Immaculate cannot remain ineffective, as we say in the prayer [attributed to] St. Bernard: “Remember, 0 most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help or sought thy intercession was left unaided …. ” So before all else humble, confident and unfailing prayer is needed. (November 1924) - See more at: http://airmaria.com/2007/08/13/the-patron-saint-for-a-difficult-century-st-maximilian-kolbe/#.dpuf

- See more at: http://airmaria.com/2007/08/13/the-patron-saint-for-a-difficult-century-st-maximilian-kolbe/#.dpuf

[a-n-dh-o-p-e]

Fear and Hope