time to liveblog dracula 2025 i guess jesus fucking christ
starting off strong with soon to be dead wife playing under the covers with her husband (and also they fuck in their FOOD man come on what is this 9 and 1/2 weeks? fuck offffff)
these bear traps are borderline slapstick. this is like daffy duck stepping on a thousand rakes
literally cannot tell if we are meant to believe that a) his insistence on fucking around with those two dudes gave the third dude time to stab girlypop or b) he yeeted his sword so fucking hard he stabbed her through the other guy. either way, hilarious stuff.
oh fuck dude he vlad the impaled that bishop
*writing down the steps to becoming a vampire* get mad at god .... T pose .....
you know that scene in hot fuzz where they go to the romeo and juliet play that is clearly based specifically on romeo + juliet (1996) and they all sing lovefool at the end? that's what this feels like, but with bram stoker's dracula (1992).
maria's fun, i like that she keeps making this exact face:
she should get to eat that whole twink if she wants.
temu gary oldman dracula in his party city daenerys wig pawing sadly at his meal of exactly 11 peas has me in fucking stitches i pray someone makes a ytp of just that part
my wife, consummate vampire-liker and connoisseur of the dead spouse reincarnation trope: this movie was made for me, specifically me, and i hate it.
.................those are the gargoyles from the hunchback of notre dame.
"cursed to walk in the shadow of death for all eternity" THE FUCKING AUDACITY.
this is slapstick. this has more in common with the hangover than dracula.
like it must be funny on purpose, right??? it simply must???? THE MONTAGE OF HIM YEETING HIMSELF OUT THE SAME WINDOW EIGHT NINE TIMES????
my wife, ever incisive: i'm going to make a wild comparison but stay with me. bram stoker's dracula 1992 is to heath ledger's joker as THIS BULLSHIT is to jared leto's joker.
oh, is it time to start cribbing from perfume: the story of a murderer?
why does the wife-attracting perfume make people do the monster mash.
my wife, increasingly distressed: what is this movie? what are we doing here?
this man needs to close his mouth and stop making that >:[] face, he looks like he's always doing r/scrungycats (but not in a charming way like maria)
wife, pointing angrily at the screen while dracula meanders around biting french nobles at the speed of a overladen golf cart: FARCE! THIS IS A FARCE!!!!
wife, when dracula starts heaving and choking himself and screaming that he needs to be beautiful: FARCE.
oh wowww mina's in the waiting room! how convenient. just like every other moment of this fucking movie.
"she took me into her room and we ................talked." uh huh uh huh uh huh uh huh
wife, gravely: did she do lesbians to you???
"in the name of the father, the son and the EVIL SPIRIT" hehehe welcome to my twisted mind!!! x3 this blog features DARK SUBJECTS xD i will NOT be held accountable if you walk away from my Dark Gothic Musings forever mentally scarred!!! xD xD
this movie cannot decide on its tone which is almost endearing from time to time (gargoyle merrily sloshing soup around, gargoyles popping out of hidey hole windows to heckle jonathan harker like that bit at the end of the emperor's new groove) but mostly it makes me tired.
SHE GETS TO EAT THE TWINK!!!!!
yeah that's just mina dracula 1992's cinematograph dress in blue huh. anyway i hope maria is jealous of dracula not mina, they should scissor hard.
this long ass carnival montage could've been an email
wife, disdainfully: "i love trees?"
bro did they run out of budget for bloomers??? why was mina flashing us 9/10s of her thighs i feel like we were maybe an inch of fabric shy of seeing full bush
they really thought they did something with the blurry slo mo twirling scene huh
"hands never lie" SIGN LANGUAGE????
oh fuck his priest senses are tingling
i hate this perfume. what an absolute goddamn contrivance.
CUCK FIANCE AVENGERS ASSEMBLE oh wait no she's gonna eat him lol. i for sure thought the cuck fiances were going to form a taskforce HEYYY maybe they will actually!!
only bullets can deflect naruto running
"my blood oh no it's all over the caaarpettt :((((" maria was a treasure. rip in peace queen you were the best part of this movie.
ah yes the border between romania and france, a thing that definitely exists.
awww she gets to meet the kids!! :) i hate this movie.
god that dining room belongs in a mcmansion in new jersey.
"there is nowhere else to be" how about somewhere they don't know to look for you i.e. the entire rest of the planet you stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid vampire
my wife: i bet hearing that music box gives him a boner so hard it shatters his pants
wow. what a climax. what unprecedented action, what not at all badly-lit cgi gargoyles punching dudes we have never seen and do not care about. the stakes, they simply couldn't be higher.
my wife, weary: honestly the synopsis i just read of the 2006 made-for-tv dracula where jonathan straight up dies and the impetus for the entire plot is that Arthur Holmwood Gets Syphilis sounds like a better adaptation than this
well at least the cuck avengers got to assemble
lmao in the course of Operation Save Mina these clowns are gonna blow mina tf up
i love how this movie keeps serving up complete wastes of time "he's in the coffin!" he's not "we'll kill him with bullets!" you won't.
bye not-arthur you were superfluous
this movie is so CATHOLIC. tedious and CATHOLIC.
sir a mob is menacing your reincarnated wife. sir they are shooting cannons at her. sir, do you not remember what happened the last time you left her alone for 0.2 seconds.
this less charming version of the furniture fighting the peasant mob at the end of beauty and the beast could've been an email.
wife: "she is my salvation" "you are her damnation" YEAH, THAT'S THE KINK. IDIOTS.
slop. catholic slop.
oh wowww the cgi gargoyles were a fleet of bald, shoeless, loincloth-wearing children all along!!!! irrelevant, thanks!!!
wife, sneering: look at jonathan and his sad little michael sera walk. buffoonish.
final verdict:
the dracula tv show that got canceled after one season where jonathan rhys meyers as dracula goes to america and invents wi-fi was better than this. 2/10.
