Signs as headlines of articles from “The Onion” (a fake news website)
Aries- The 14 babies born in 2017
Taurus- Prego marketing new marinara as the “Premiere sauce for the #MeToo movement”
Gemini- Woman on first date feels like she could spend whole life in uncomfortable silence with this man
Cancer- Overworked pajama bottoms 🙏 owner gets job soon
Leo- Stricken choir kid really dragging down whole Christmas pageant
Virgo- Starbucks Unveils 7$ wake up slap
Libra- ☀️ thinking of collapsing now and getting this all over with
Scorpio- More Americans forced to sell gold pocket watch in order to afford a set of fine combs for wife
Sagittarius- The worst potluck contributions of 2017
Capricorn- Wreck the halls
Aquarius- Study finds chickens would have no qualms about caging, eating humans
Pisces- Most popular passwords of year include “123456” and “password”