#heavilyedited

[heavily-edited]

It’s 2023!

i don’t know what brings me here today, but i just feel like logging in to my blog.

i made this blog on 2020 out of boredom. purely out of boredom. i don’t even know that the world was going downhill at the time. i think.. something really actually shifted and led me to open this space. i’m glad i did!

 at the beginning of the pandemic, i use this space as a coping mechanism. i mean, i don’t really write much. just a couple pieces that i feel like to share so it doesn’t cocoon inside me.

it was relieving, i have to say.

i made this blog on 2020 out of loneliness. purely because i’m not much of a talker. like... i don’t mind if someone stumble upon this blog and read my mind, i truly do. i’d be glad actually!

at the beginning of the pandemic, i started to write more than i ever was. i wrote on this blog, on my journal, scribbles between sentences on the book i read, everywhere i can. it was calming, i have to say.

three years later, today, i read what i wrote.

a part of me were too stunned to feel the nostalgia rushed in. another part was in denial that i wrote what i wrote. but there’s a part of me that smiles while scrolling through the pages. this part is also the one who wants to write this post for it wants to leave a footprint—a remark, that wants to say that “i’m so happy that you’re still here today”

there are a lot of things happened in the course of three years. i would write about it later.

there’s no promise though. you just have to wait and be there.

[the-moon-is-my-mistress]

Mount Hope Cemetery Part 2

Bangor, Maine, United States

[heavily-edited]

A Birthday Piece

When I was a kid I was obsessed with the color yellow. I'd ask my mom to buy clothes in that color only, stationaries and other paraphernalia too. I'd draw a house and color it yellow–a nice contrast over the green mountain and blue sky. I know you get the picture. That was before I found the specific shade of green that I really like when my mother took me out to buy a new bag. It was a pale-green color and there was a picture of yellow lemons with glitters. There was some writing too but I can't remember what was written on it. Anyway, I really liked the bag and asked my mother to washed it every weekend to keep the color remain the same. Little did I know, it only done damage and the color washed out after couple of months.

I went through many other phases with colors. At one point, I was into black. I liked how the color suited me and how my outfit would turned out nice because it was in one color. My family didn't grow up with a lot of money either, so to buy clothes in many colors to mix-and-match wasn't the option. I've also been through pink phase. I think it's because a lot of my friends wore a hell lot of pink. Then there was white, and blue, and back to green. Nothing in order but the phase continues. I was so proud to claim I liked all colors there ever was on rainbow. Most kids only had one favorite I suppose.

I am twenty-two now and I just realized I've never been on red phase. I feel like everyone I knew had been on a red phase. Not the maroon type of red, but you know, just red. Thinking about it, I only liked a color if I had some memories with it. It's always the memory first, then the obsession. For whatever reason, something about red makes me feel iffy. I should have remembered why, but I can't put my finger on it. It's frustrating me because I thought I've been through it all. Skipping one color on the spectrum feels so wrong to me. To remember certain details of the colors you love and none at all of this one. But again, can't put my finger on it. Not after I dig deep into my memories. Not even after I trace the surface of my skin. Not after I go even deeper.

[heavily-edited]

Toko Oen Malang — (20/11/19)

I went there for an assignment. The place was quite empty when I arrived. There were old couple in front of me, sitting side by side, eyes locked on their hands. The husband was reading off a newspaper—The Jakarta Post, that provided there. The wife was busy calling someone, who I assumed have to be their friend who's on the way here. Their lonely one cup of ice cream slowly melted, ignored.

[heavily-edited]

So, it's another year

What I intend this blog to be is a journal. A Void I can talk to. But it's too hard of a commitment, eh?

Why today's log then? Well, yesterday I watched Retour à Séoul. There's one quote that upon hearing it, I feel like being punched in the gut.

"I could wipe you from my life with a snap of my fingers,"

I do think the same when it comes to people. This thought has always been lingering on my mind, camping at the back of my throat all the time. I part ways with people way, way too easily. So why does hearing this make my heart ache? I do the same thing to other people, anyway. So why? Was it because it was said out loud?

I just feel so sad.

Suddenly I want to apologize to random people from the past. Friends that I lost contact with. People that I don't speak to, for whatever reason I feel acceptable at that time.

But, instead of reaching out, I guess I can just log in to this journal. This Void I can talk to.

As usual, my writings are more like a chatter rather than a think-piece. I hope when I read this again in the next log, it won't be a head scratch. I just want to remember this sad feeling, and hoping I can muster up the courage to act upon this sadness.

And even if I don't, I hope I can still count on you, Void.

[hillynotes]

We love the hotel: the food is awesome, and the people are so welcoming; but, does the hotel love us back the same way we love her? #love #notwolovesarethesame #phonephotography #heavilyedited #theshimmeringlight #eveningvibes #bulldozer #theunsungheroes #liberalarts #newhome (at School of Liberal Arts, IIT-Jodhpur) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cn8aT3gyYJX/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[hillynotes]

I sit there inquisitively with my buddy, and both of us goggled up—I with blue and him, I know not. And I see blue skies, blue water, and a million shades of blue permeating everything, and I conclude, like a proud empiricist—et Voila! The world is blue!! #blueeverything #blueeverywhere #likeapainting #mobilephotography #heavilyedited #qualia #problemofotherminds #whatisitliketobeabat #biases #lawofattraction #philosophy #spirituality (at Mankavu, Kozhikode) https://www.instagram.com/p/CnntMJ9PETA/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[joearf]

2022.10.19: Impressions - CFCF Grigg Street, Greenwich, CT