thinking soo much about jon who is touch starved but also repulsed, he needs to be held, he needs to be in someone’s orbit to feel properly grounded and human but also Can’t take it. and it’s hard to explain this to martin, to ask for a hug or to slot their hands together and then yank them away immediately after. how he feels bad bad Bad and wrong, how he’s bad and wrong, he should tell him, georgie always liked when he spoke up- and then they began to resent eachother for it. what does that mean for him, for them? if he can’t even give him that always—
but martin notices. jon hasn’t even picked up on his uncomfort himself fully and yet he notices.
whenever he tenses, even slightly, suddenly martin needs his arms back to stretch. whenever jon’s hands go clammy in his he’d prefer to link pinkies because Oh well my fingers are cramping.. by the time jon gathers the courage to say no for the first time martin is already drawing back slowly and smiling his love at him anyway.