i'm Halley (@life-gave-me-oranges). i decided to make this new blog to share a bunch of resources and other stuff that, i hope, help y'all.
Here's everything that's gonna be covered in this blog -
1. Movie, tv shows, anime links (streaming and downloading)
2. free online courses (may or may not have certificates)
3. FREE BOOKS!
4. alternatives to all those costly softwares (ex. adobe apps) (sometimes, i might give links to cracked file, but again, i don't own them, so can't guarantee anything)
5. Proxys, adblockers, VPNs, etc.
I hope to add more stuff in this list soon. this is just about all i know as of yet.
Rn, i'm the only mod of this blog, maybe new peeps would join soon.
please tag me anywhere you find some good resources, or send me an ask or a message, anything you find convenient. feel free to ask me to tag things a particular way. ask me for some specific thing anytime. also, please understand if i delay something or not reply to a message cos my school and coaching spend most of the time dancing on the top of my head, so i might be a bit busy. but i'll be sure to reply as soon aa possible and i appreciate everything you do!
Z-lib or z-library is one of the best sites i've ever come across for free pdfs of books. the amount of content it has is astonishing. you don't even need to login or sign up to download a book. they are available in a lot of formats including pdfs and epubs. some books are available only in one format, but you could easily covert it to different formats with the convertors already in the website. (although you will be required to login for this feature)
z-lib also has a huge collection of scientific articles. i've never really used this feature much, because i never needed to, but i know a lot of you would need this. it's awesome. again, the articles are available in a lot of formats and can be converted into others.
So, I was going to go to the gym today. But I decided this would be better for my mental health. Especially considering all the amazing things that happened to me earlier today. To sum up those events:
I reached out to several people for RPs earlier today and last night on my RP blog (@arysen-heart if anyone wishes to check it out.) Though no one particularly responded. I was okay with it though because I was in the middle of an amazing session with a friend of mine already (@afrozenchild… definitely check them out, they’re amazing!)
Finally I got in contact with someone I honestly thought was way out of my league (no more name drops, sorry. I try to keep most specific names OUT of my posts to avoid any potential controversy) and not only were they extremely excited to talk to me, they even referred me to a friend.
I went to this friend and reached out, and to my surprise, they immediately responded and FURTHER referred me to friends. As of the time of this writing, 2 of the 3 have gotten back to me.
One of those people though apparently already recognized me from my then current RP sessions, and was already considering following me. I was in shock… all of these people were already extremely popular, and in my eyes, way out of my league. I had just started my sideblog after all, and my character is simply a mirror of the main character in my fic I mentioned last time. (Still not going to name it, if you want to find it ya’ll can be little detectives, there’s hints on my blog… or just ask!)
Said person now wishes for me to create a promo page so that they can spread my name around even further. Keep in mind at the time of this writing, I have 5 followers there. Only 2 this morning. For them to want to do this for me completely boggles my mind and confuses me. At the same time my friend ALREADY gave me a very touching promotion, as well as mentioning several other of her friends.
All this happened over the better part of today, and it got me thinking… why am I so nervous around these people? I took part in acting on the stage, I’m constantly a doofus and I write and publish not only extremely personal stories, but also roleplaying with my friends that can be read by literally anyone.
This is where social anxiety comes into play, in many of its different forms.
There’s not just one specific type of anxiety, just like how there’s more than one type of phobia or more than one type of mental disorder. It all depends on the psyche of the person, the setting around them, and the situations leading up to the present. Anxieties are special though in that not only are they extremely debilitating at times… they’re also potential for such great growth.
When I first went into high school, I had crippling public social anxiety and actually got sick on the first day of school. I had come from an elementary school of 300 to a new school of 2000. That kind of polarity shift paralyzed me, and the nurse actually sent me home for the day.
This kind of anxiety was carried with me through 3 more years of schooling. My fear of meeting new people and being rejected, couples with an extremely underweight body frame gave me extremely low self confidence. Halfway through high school, I decided something, that to this day has affected my life.
It was time to change.
I signed up for the weightlifting and fitness class offered at my school, as well as the drama class. From there I went on to participate with friendly competitions with the star sports players (some of which I won) and started performing in plays for my school. With that I found a completely new way to live my life, and the rest of my schooling went very smoothly and filled with happy days
So why does that small history story matter? I came from a place of extremely low confidence and anxiety, and honestly thought I wasn’t good enough for anyone to socialize with me. I was always thankful when I did find new friends. Though I was never popular or very well liked, I had my small circle of friends and I was happy with that.
I thought I was over that particular part of my life, but my experiences earlier today and in my attempts to meet new people, I rediscovered social fear. The inability to reach out and even attempt to talk to people because they were more popular than I. And therefore, better.
I’m sure my readers up to this point are split up into two groups… the “Suck it up and just talk to them” group, and the “i know exactly what you mean” group. The rest of this article will be directed towards the latter group, though i highly encourage the former to continue reading, and raise their own awareness of the situation.
From my perspective, there’s several types of anxiety… public social anxiety, private social anxiety, familial social anxiety, and introductory social anxiety. The introductory type I believe is very similar to my own… the feeling that you can’t reach out to someone or even attempt to communicate, because you feel like they are so much better than you or you’re not good enough. It’s often accompanied by low self-esteem, or a particular traumatic event in your past.
I know first-hand how terrifying it is and feels to feel as though you can’t talk to anyone because you’re not good enough or they’re better or more popular. I’m here to tell you though..
You ARE good enough!
Every one of the people I’ve met today were extremely nice and very friendly people that have been very encouraging. Believe it or not, everyone has been in your position before. Everyone has to start from the bottom at some point, and we all know how it feels to be the little man. Everyone has to grow into what they are, and no matter how timid or scared you might feel… just reach out. I keep typing that phrase instead of anything else, because no matter what medium you talk to people through, your emotions and feelings will always be attached to your words. Some of the most skilled writers I’ve seen can use very subtle word choices and phrases to alter the reader’s emotions.
But just because you might not have that skill, doesn’t mean you can’t be a good writer. I’m using writing in particular as an example because that’s the medium I’m most familiar with. If you’re into the RP scene like I am, or maybe you’re a new artist with an ask blog, or even maybe for your own personal blog and trying to reach out to people, writing is an essential skill. But just because you may not be able to use any ‘advanced tricks or techniques’ of writing, or maybe you have grammar or spelling errors scattered about. That’s okay. All you need to do to be a meaningful writer is to write from your heart.
You don’t even know what you want to write! Heck, writing this and my last blog post I just wrote the thoughts that came in to my head. All it takes is a little bit of confidence in yourself is all.
And remember, you ARE good enough!
If I was able to reach out to the more popular blogs, and not only get noticed, but then ACTIVELY receive help from them? You can too. And if that’s a little too much, reach out to me first. My message and askbox is open to EVERYONE, and I will always eventually reply.
I’ll cut this piece now though, since it’s already gotten a bit wordy. If anyone would like me to continue along this train of thought, and talk about what I think about the other forms of social anxiety, please let me know. I don’t want to make my blogposts so long that everyone just wants a tl;dr xD
Lately, I’ve found myself asking… “Why Undertale? What is so special about this indie project that has coerced me into diving neck deep into the community?” I have been part of many comunities before… Dark Souls, Monster Hunter, Pokemon, Digimon, Smash Bros, Ragnorak Online. But Undertale has been the only one to keeo my attention for nearly three months. I search daily for new fanart, and hope that my favorite fic writers have updated. I check the reddit for new projects and trawl the fansites for new theories. I learn about each individual AU, the writer behind them, and the characters, meeting each again for the first time, and each time it feels like I find a new friend. My daily relaxing music has been replaced by Undertale OSTs and fan made original songs and remixes. So I found myself asking…. “Why Undertale?”
I have finally found my answer.
In a word?
DETERMINATION.
As everyone knows, having determination and everything relating to it is the overarching theme to the game, as well as a common theme in every piece of fan media. We all know the word, and we all embrace it because the game, and it’s lessons, are so relateable. But, what is it?
Determination is defined as having a firmness of purpose, a resoluteness. That’s all fine and dandy, but what IS determination?
It is the power to get through life. It is the driving force between every step you take and every word you say. It is the guiding light that shines through our darkest parts of self-loathing and suffering. To sum it up, for me,
‘Determination is Life.’
And I don’t mean it just as a silly catchphrase, but without our determination, our lives would stagnate and be lost. Even when you find you’re in your most confused moments, you can find determination.
When the struggle gets too tough and you feel like you should quit, I want us all to ask ourselves… Is this really it? Is this the limit of my spirit, of my will, of my determination? If it is, then give up, and find a new path to travel.
But if you’re like me? That answer will ALWAYS be no. NO this not too hard. NO this is not impossible. And NO, I WILL NOT GIVE UP.
I am not a star. I am not an athelete. I am no professional writer nor am I an artist. So how can I be so sure that I won’t give up?
Real talk for a second, I’m writing a fanfic. It’s not a fic in the traditional sense though, but more of a self-therapy help project. I have not planned anything and will continue to not plan anything, and that’s exciting for me. I mean, who writes anything like that?
But at the same time, who writes anything like that? There’s a reason why books and stories get planned out. So my biggest fear with it so far has been… Well, what if no one reads it. And you know what? That’s exactly what’s been happening. But this isn’t a cry for people to come read this cool new thing, no.
I mention my fic for only one reason - I have been feeling so much better because of it, because of putting my thoughts down and having my character confront my, and her own, demons. And as she works through them, I find I’m working through them.
Let’s go even further back though. All of this started by my asking myself, “How can I contribute to the fandom?” Contribute. That word right there has made all the difference in my life (remember it for later). My original answer was to write a completely separate AU. But as I sat down to plan it, I started to feel daunted by it. It was such a huge project, and with my skills, would anyone even read it? Would they even like it? There were, after all, already tons of already established AUs, all with their own fanbase. How could I compete with that?
Determination. That’s how. I haven’t given up on that project (I nearly have the timeline complete, actually) but I did shift my attention more to my current fic. Best decision I’ve made in years.
Now it’s time to go back even further. When I first saw Undertale, it was a week or so after it’s release on Steam. “Huh,” I said t myself. “An rpg where you don’t have to kill anyone. Cool idea.” Should’ve bought it then. Maybe it would’ve kickstarted my then Youtube account failure.
Next thing I know it’s blowing up all over the internet, and I’m watching a Let’s Play with my wife, and I fell in love with the characters as soon as I would meet them all.
Not long after, I discovered the comic dubbing groups, and started watching those. Some were funny. Others were sad. Then the animations, and the vines, I started burying myself in the creations of others. Eventually, I found my first dubbing of asks.
I kept trying to tell myself I wouldn’t do this, but i can’t think of another way. The first dub I found was of a drunken Chara answering asks from people. At first I was skeptical, how would they be able to do that? But I watched it, intrigued, and laughed hard at the comics and spot-on dubbing. I was very happy to see a part 2, so I immediately watched it too, expecting many more laughs. Instead, I was met with Chara being upset by some asks, passing out, and eventually drunkinly confessing to Frisk. I was in awe. This artist has not only made a character to interact with fans with, but also made an in-depth and complex backstory, emotional spectrum, and desires? Amazing. So, I have to put in a shout-out to @hawker-rawr for literally bringing me on to tumblr single-handedly.
So, remember that word, Contribute? Because they had contributed Bottles to Tumblr, which then had a dub made, it brought me into the most vivid and vibrant fan community I have ever seen. Here was a collection of artists and role players who had come together with the single purpose of contributing art and scenarios to each other to build on each others stories. As I’ve loved writing and socialising for a very long time, it mafe me ecstatic to see.
But recently on some of the blogs I’ve been watching, anonymous messengers have been sending hate mail and blaming the artist for their own of skills. Now I understand that hate mail will always be present in any online community, that’s just the nature of trolls. But it’s been breaking my heart to see some of the things said, and I don’t know any of these people! They certainly don’t know me as anyone but the weird robot face that pops up in their askbox every day.
So why does it upset me? These artist, these writers are taking time out of their day and lives to dedicate themselves to a creation to contribute it to the fandom. These people don’t get paid for it (excepting commissioned work). These people don’t expect any gratitude (though kind comments are always reccommended). This collection of creators have been banding together no contribute media to a fanbase for no other reason then they love it.
They love the comunity, they love the artwork around them. Most of all they love watching their characters grow and evolve as they interact with the society around them. There’s no need for the hate guys. There’s no need to be demanding. I’ll admit I’m one of those thirsty fans who just hungers for more and more. So what did I do about it? I gained the confidence and the Determination to contribute my OWN work.
Sure I can’t make as pretty pictures as literally any one of these artists. But what I can do is offer my support, along with my helping and encouraging hand, to any blogger who might need it.
So, that brings me back to the original question…
'Why Undertale?’
When I first discovered the fanbase, and the true message behind Undertale in general, I was in a very dark place. Emptied of my own Determination, I was (still am) working 13 hour days 7 days a week for barely more than minimum wage. I was coming home exhausted from mowing grass all day long, and the crippling self-doubt and inferiority complex made me turn to alcohol to get through the nights. But when I found this fanbase, I woke back up.
'What should I do next’ turned into 'What CAN I do next’. The 'I can'ts’ and 'I’m not good enoughs’ turned into 'I can, and I will’ and 'I’m not good enough YET’. Now some of you will think this is stupid and cheesy, but Undertale, and more specifically the fanbase content creators, have helped me find the positivity in life again, and help give me the DETERMINATION to move forward and be the best I can.
So, Why Undertale? Because the fandom literally brought my life back, and fills me day to day with Determination.
It breaks my heart to watch some of the people whome I’ve grown to admire and care for be upset by the naysayers and the trolls of the community. I may not be able to mend their wounds. But at the very least I can do this.
To anyone reading this who just needs a friend, or needs someone to have listen or joke around with, literally anything. Never hesitate to send me a mesage. My message box will always remain open for anyone to message me at any time.
And to anyone who may feel like they need someone to vent their aggression or bring someone down? Bring it on. I will never close either my message box or askbox (when I open it). The only thing I can say is, are you too much of a coward to take your insults off of anonymous?
Thank you for reading some of my musings. I sincerely hope this message reaches anyone who’s in a dark spot. More likely than not it will be buried in the corners of the internet, but as I’ve personally learned before, it is much better to post for your own well-being than for others.
That is what this was as well. The hurt in my heart and watching all the lights of hope flicker drives my crazy inside, especially knowing first hand how scary it is with the lights off. My offer stands open for anyone, at anytime. And I will always reply back when I am able.
