|Chapter 9: Man or Monster?| Her Forgotten Past // Attack on Titan fanfic//
I sat on a large crate, a jug of water in my hands. No matter how much I drank my throat still remained parched. How long was it since the cannon fire? Hours or minutes? How much time had I spent staring at the floor, stuck in a limbo of madness?
"You're shaking like a leaf." A voice said.
I unglued my gaze from the floor and saw Reiner standing next to me, arms folded and head tilted sympathetically.
I tried to smile. I really did. Perhaps in my mind, I pictured myself smiling back politely like any normal person, but nothing about me felt normal at the moment. In reality, I gave him a nod of acknowledgement and continued staring down.
"Hey, everything's going to be okay." He sat down besides me. "Once this is over, it'll be like old times again. Just you, me, Bertholdt, and Annie. A life together in the MPs is waiting for us."
"Thanks, Reiner." I said. The corners of my lips barely lifted into a smile.
I let out a sigh, defeated. He must've read my gaze. Reiner always, since I first met him, had this annoying habit of reading me. I didn't like it.
"Reiner, I don't know if..." I hesitated.
The battle wasn't over yet. Only a fool would think that. There was definitely going to be more bloodshed. I don't know how I knew, but I trusted my intuition nonetheless. The future seemed so uncertain. Would I survive to see tomorrow? Or would I die at the hands of a Titan? Say I actually make it out alive... what next? My dreams of joining the Military Police and living the comfortable life I've always wanted now felt so meaningless. It was the main goal that kept me persevering through three years of training, and now it didn't mean shit to me. This battle... all the horrors that I witnessed in a span of hours had reduced that goal to the worth of dirt. I mean, how can I possibly choose the Military Police after all that I've experienced? It'd be like turning my back on those who died. No, I've seen too much. All my life I was dormant. Ignorant. But now my eyes have been opened. I've seen humanity for what it really is: caged animals. We live in fear of the Titans. Inside these walls, we are born cowards and we will stay cowards unless we fight back.
I'm not the same person I was hours ago, on top of the wall, cleaning the cannons with my comrades. That all changed the second the Colossal Titan appeared. My worldview was entirely changed. I couldn't go putting a blindfold on myself now. Not after everything I've seen.
"I don't think I can join the MPs." I said finally. It felt good to let it out.
Reiner looked confused. "What? Of course you can. You made the top ten!"
"Sorry, let me rephrase that." I explained, "I don't want to join the MPs anymore."
Creases formed on his forehead. "Jo, no offense, but maybe you should consider your mental state right now. What you just went through is scarring. Maybe you shouldn't be making decisions—"
"That's exactly why I can't go join them, Reiner!" I said, a bit snappy. "I've been scarred! Living in the interior— its all materialistic! There's no purpose, no worth! I want more than that." I paused. An emblem of wings popped into my mind. "I think... I want to join the Survey Corps."
"Are you insa—" he stopped himself, and rethinking his words, he continued, "You're going to get yourself killed. Please, at least join the Garrison."
"Reiner, I can protect myself. Why are you acting so weird all of a sudden? You're usually so supportive." I stood up, facing him and folding my arms stubbornly.
He stood up too. "Its that suicidal bastard, isn't it? Damn it, I knew he'd get to you."
"Who, Eren?" I huffed. "He has nothing to do with this! It's my decision."
"Really? How come all of a sudden you have a knack for becoming Titan food?"
I gritted my teeth. "Annie would be more supportive."
"Yeah, well Annie doesn't have feelings for—"
"Archer! Has anyone seen Cadet Archer?" Someone behind us said.
I whirled around and saw a Garrison soldier walk inside the tent. It was Ian Dietrich, the leader of the elite squad that I was recruited into. I shot Reiner one last look, as if to ask 'are you done?'. He looked like he wanted to finish his sentence, but he backed down. Whatever he needed to get off his chest, it could wait.
I walked up to Ian. "Yes, sir?"
He wasn't pleased. "What happened to you? You left our squad without a reason. An act of insubordination like that deserves a punishment."
"If you must know... I was swallowed by a Titan, sir." I gestured to my red uniform.
His face went pale. He stared at me in disbelief. "You're kidding me... Impossible... how did you— Never mind that, cadet!" He snapped. "We need you on the Elite squad that's going to protect Eren. Follow me." He turned on his heel and started walking off down the street.
Protect Eren? From what? What in the world was he talking about? I hurried after him, trying to keep up with his long legs. Damn short people problems. "Wait, sir! I'm afraid I don't understand." I said.
He groaned. "I guess I'm going to have to explain this. Damn rookie."
Long story short... The Garrison had planned to execute Eren Jaeger, until Commander Dot Pixis intervened and proposed a deal with Eren. The deal basically consisted of Eren using his powers to shift into a Titan and lift the massive chunk of wall debris sitting to the east side of Trost. He was to carry the boulder and use it to plug the breach in the wall. Soldiers would be split into squads. Other squads would be hanging on the side of the wall, supported by their ODM gear, and serve as a distraction for the titans. The elite squad, the one I was placed in, would accompany Eren on the journey to the breach and serve as his defense.
The minute Ian told me this plan, I smirked. It was very ingenious. The Armin kind of ingenious.
We took the lift and ascended to the top of the Wall. Ian held open the door and I stepped out. The afternoon sun blazed down on us as we walked. I could see Dot Pixis up ahead.
"Stay here." Ian told me and I nodded, knowing he probably wanted to discuss parts of the plan. He walked off.
I let out a sigh and overlooked the city. Hell, was I exhausted. My limbs ached, and the back of my throat felt like sandpaper due to so much screaming. But I had made it this far. It sounds like optimistic bullshit, I know. I don't think I've ever been an optimist in my life. I'm not Marco. Usually I keep a realistic perspective. But the fact still stands that I, Johanna, have made it this far into battle. I have escaped death's cold grasp and I have survived.
That's got to account for something, right?
"Jo?" A voice shuddered behind me.
The second it reached my ears, my whole body tensed. It was so familiar.
I slowly turned around, meeting the presence full front. His gear was missing, his uniform was tattered and bloodstained like mine, his skin patchy in some areas where he was exposed to boiling temperatures. But those eyes... even after everything that's happened, they still held that remarkable fire that never seemed to extinguish.
What was once shock soon melted into pure relief. The muscles on his face eased and he allowed himself a broken smile. "Jo!"
Next thing I knew, Eren was tackling me in a hug. "You're alive!"
His tall build and strong arms crushed me. He smelled metallic like blood, but I returned the embrace anyway, knowing I probably smelled the same. The only person I accepted hugs from was Jean. But... this wasn't so bad.
Maybe I could get used to this.
A soothing feeling settled into my chest and I allowed myself a little smile. He was alright. He was okay.
"Sorry to interrupt this lovers reunion."
We both jumped apart, flustered when we saw Ian standing there. He held a pair of ODM gears. How long had he been watching? Ugh, that's embarrassing.
"It's nothing like that." I said on Eren's behalf, who's face resembled a ripe tomato.
"Well whatever it is, time to quit it. We've been given orders to go. Move out!" Ian said, practically throwing the gear into our hands, and he started walking off.
Eren and I hastily put our gear on. More soldiers from our squad joined us as we ran after Ian, all of us heading towards the end of the Wall. It felt weird being active again. I wondered how my legs managed to stay upright even after all I've experienced. Funny how your body is capable of a lot, and it's really your mind that tricks you into being weak.
I looked to my left and saw Mikasa. She ran besides me. I was glad to see her alive, although the fact that she was placed into this squad didn't surprise me. The girl ranked number 1 in the top ten. Who wouldn't want her skill?
"I want to apologize." A tone of shame lingered in her voice. "Everything you went through... I should've kept my personal matters to myself. I never should've asked you to check on Eren. I—"
"You didn't." I interrupted.
"You didn't ask anything of me. I made the offer. Trust me, Mikasa, this is not your fault. Soldiers don't die because of soldiers, soldiers die because of those man-eating bastards. In a perfect world without those beasts none of this would've happened. Besides," I began to wield my blades as we neared the end of the wall. "I'm still here."
"Thanks to me." Eren said teasingly.
I shot him a look. "I could kick your ass, Jaeger."
"Yeah? Well when we make it out of here alive, you can try it sometime." He sounded so sure of himself. Goddamn his blind determination, I thought with a smirk.
"Stop flirting. This isn't the time!" A soldier with short, silver hair and glasses caught up to our speed.
I let out a huff of annoyance. Twice in a row? Seriously? What is it with these Garrisons breathing down our necks?
"I'll just put it straight. The fact that the fate of mankind rests on a brat like you doesn't make me hopeful." Another Garrison soldier said to Eren.
"All of you! Enough. We're in range of the boulder." Ian snapped.
He was right. I could see it a few hundred feet away, wedged between two destroyed houses. It was giant and dense. Could Eren really lift that? Even in his Titan form, it was a challenging weight to carry. Looking around the perimeter, I didn't see any titans. The decoy squad must be working to lure them away. So far, they were doing a great job.
Perfect. Now's our chance.
Eren jumped off the edge of the wall first, and I followed second, and Mikasa third. We soared on our gear, swinging past buildings and alleyways like birds of a feather, making our way towards the boulder. The cold wind swept my face and ruffled my uniform, and I loved it. I absolutely craved this thrill.
I watched Eren from a few feet away. I had to give him space for when he would transform. He burned like spitfire, shooting his anchors and whirling in the air, setting foot on rooftops only to dive off again in a blaze of glory. He carried humanity's fate on his shoulders, and yet he seemed weightless. Now, I'm not saying he was some indestructible god at the moment. No. Even under the bullheaded facade, I could tell he was nervous. No one wants to be a failure. But my point is, he wasn't buckling under the pressure. He had a solid purpose.
Maybe I would find that too someday.
"Now, Eren!" Mikasa shouted.
I watched in astonishment as he bit down on his hand. It was very deliberate, like he knew exactly what to do. I heard the sound of his bone crunching, and suddenly there was lightning. A BOOM! rattled the area and before I knew it, I was looking at a fifteen-meter tall Titan.
I stopped on a rooftop and tried to collect myself, but it was hard. Eren had just turned into that. He was the Titan, and the Titan was him.
Mikasa landed on the rooftop of the building next to me. We gave each other nods of apprehension and watched Eren, who stood directly in front of the large boulder.
Huh. Why wasn't he doing anything? Was he okay? I observed his motionless figure from afar. The Garrison soldiers went over the plan with him. There's no way he could've gotten confused. It was so simple, a baby could do it. Well... if the baby had Titan strength, that is.
"Oi! What's going on?" I called out.
Suddenly and without reason, Eren turned and smashed his fist into the roof where Mikasa stood, abruptly crushing her. My heart stopped.
"MIKASA!" I screamed. I couldn't believe it. No way. What the hell?
Then I saw her. She hurried out of the debris and shot her anchor onto another building, quite startled, lifting herself up. She must've avoided the hit somehow. My chest heaved a sigh. Thank goodness, she was okay.
But what in the fuck was that all about?
"Eren!" I yelled, my lungs burning. How dare he? His own sister, for Sina's sake. Had he lost all control?
"Archer!" Ian yelled. "Don't—"
But I was already doing it. I shot my anchor straight into Eren's giant forehead and zoomed towards him, careful to be considerate with my gas. I didn't want to repeat my mistakes. I landed right on the bridge of his nose. It was weird, being so up close to a Titan this way. But it was Eren. Despite the cold monstrosity in those big, green eyes of his, I knew Eren had to be in there. Somewhere.
"Idiot!" I yelled at him. His eyes watched me without an ounce of recognition. They held only animalistic and bloodthirsty instinct. "Snap the hell out of it! You're human! This isn't the time for games, we have a breach to seal!"
A low rumbling came from his mouth. A growl.
"Eren!" I yelled frustratedly. I waited for a sign. Anything that meant he was back to normal.
I leapt off just in time. Eren's fist, intending to crush me, came flying at his own face instead and he ended up punching himself. I gasped as his whole fist exploded from the force. That was close. Too close.
He let out a screech that pierced the heavens and he lost his balance, slumping against the boulder. He stayed there, motionless. Moments passed and nothing, not even a twitch. Was he even conscious?
"It was naive to rely on a Titan to save us." Rico, the soldier with short silver hair, said coldly. She took out a flare and shot it. The smoke rushed up into the sky, streaking it red. Now the other squads and the Commander knew we had failed. Damn, what a let down.
But still... I looked at Eren, and I couldn't help but feel a great opportunity going to waste. What if we could do something? Maybe if we tried again...
"Look alive! Four titans coming this way! All over ten meters!" said Mitabi, also a soldier from our squad. He hopped off his rooftop a few streets away and came to us. "Ian, we're waiting on you. Let's go!"
"Go?" I repeated incredulously. "We can't just leave a soldier here defenseless! What are we, barbarians?"
"He's a Titan, for god's sake!" Mitabi sneered.
"Yeah? So what? You're so desperate to get out of here alive that you don't see this brilliant opportunity right in front of you!" I gestured at Eren's unconscious form. "He's too valuable to just throw away!"
"Oh please, this plan was doomed from the start!" He said. "Was it worth a shot? Sure, whatever. We did our best! But the only option we have now is going back over the wall!"
He spun on his heel and began walking away. I saw Mikasa seething with anger next to me, and she drew her blades, ready to go after him. But before she could do anything, Ian put an arm in front of her and prevented her from going further.
"Team Rico, take out the twelve meter approaching from behind." Ian ordered grimly. "Team Mitabi and I will handle the two front runners."
"Are you nuts?!" Rico gasped.
"In case you've forgotten, I'm the one in charge!" He told her strictly. "We're not going to leave Jaeger defenseless. Period."
Rico looked like she was ready to start an argument, but Ian continued before she had a chance. "Change of plans," he said, "We'll take down all the titans and protect the area until he recovers. Whether we like it or not, he's our best bet. We're not about to abandon him. We're expendable, but he isn't. He can't be replaced."
"Oh please," Rico said dryly. "Don't talk to me about our best bet. He's a failure. Countless soldiers have died because of him. Just look at him, Ian! Are you saying you want us to risk our lives for that!"
"Yes!" He raised his voice. "If that's what it takes, so be it!"
My eyebrows raised a little. It takes guts to make a claim like that.
Rico was at a loss for words.
"No disrespect," I spoke up, looking straight at her. "But didn't you say soldiers are risking their lives at the moment? The longer we stay here bickering the more are dying by the second. Forget trying to see eye to eye. We need to take action."
She glared at me, but we both knew I was right.
"Enough." Ian said with finality. "Let's show those titans humanity's wrath."
The mooning around finally ended and we split: Mitabi went with Ian, Rico left with her own team, and I joined up with Mikasa. I was glad we were left to work together. I felt confident when she was around. We headed towards the first Titan we saw: a ten meter. This one's eyes were ludicrously large and glassy, displaying its avid hunger for our flesh. But no matter. It was done and killed in a second thanks to us. The next one was a little trickier. Mikasa had to distract it while I made the surprise attack. The abnormal beast, only 8 meters this time, thrashed around like a bull once I gouged its eyes out with my blades. Getting tired of its stupid wailing, I finished it off with a clean slice across its neck.
"Son of a bitch," I said, looking down at myself and my uniform, now wet with a fresh coat of blood. It began to evaporate slowly.
I looked around, noticing Mikasa wasn't nearby. I found her presence a few streets over, already beating me at this game of bloodshed, handling a Titan expertly all by herself. Sheesh, the girl had no chill. I was about to join her, but a shuffling noise and a small grunt made me turn around instead.
The blonde was climbing Eren's large, slumped back. He looked up at the sound of my voice.
"Jo, go take care of the Titans!"
I blinked. He had a focused, steely look on his face— something I'd never seen before on him. But I wasn't about to take orders from anybody.
"Are you crazy!?" I yelled at him, watching as he kneeled at the base of Eren's neck. "Get off, that's dangerous!"
"I know what I'm doing!" He wielded a blade and stared at it's sharpness warily. "At least, I think so... when Eren emerged from his Titan the last time, it was from the nape of the neck. I might be delusional, but I think that's the control base of this whole body. I just have to make sure not to hit the center..." He made eye contact with me and then looked down. I watched as he raised his blade tentatively. A little gasp got caught in my chest.
"This won't kill him, but it's going to hurt." He raised the blade an inch higher and then brought it down. "A lot!"
A twisted, inhuman screech made my warning sound pathetic. It was Eren. The second the blade stabbed deep into his neck, he arched his back and thrashed around wildly. His flailing arms missed Armin by only a couple inches, as the poor guy held onto the handgrips of his blade for dear life. I watched it all happen, my ears ringing at the constant screeching, until finally Eren gave up and slumped against the boulder again.
"Jo, you need to go help out the others!" Armin said, stricter this time. "They need all the manpower they can get! I'll handle Eren! Go do what you do best!"
I clenched my jaw. Dammit, he was right. I hate it when other people are right.
But I couldn't dilly dally any longer. Soldiers were dying, for pete's sake. I looked down at my blades, and gripped them tighter. Time to go into beast mode...
It wasn't hard finding team Mitabi. They were all working together to take down one 14 meter abnormal. One. And the worst part? There were more coming their way. I let them handle that one and instead created a bloodbath with the other approaching ones. That powerful feeling came back again. It fed every cell in my body and suddenly I was indestructible. I was reckless, yet calculating in every move. Rageful, yet calm on the exterior. I was no longer a girl with feeble dreams of entering the MPs, finding my parents, and living a peaceful life in the interior. It seems ridiculous to think about now. I could laugh at that naive, yet determined girl and give her a cold slap of reality. This is what I was made for. There's so much more to life than luxury. And there's so much more to life than running back to the people who abandoned you in the first place. Right now, as I carved these Titans inside out, I found my purpose:
And making these monsters pay the price.
Suddenly, it was all I cared about. Forget those indulgent bastards in the interior. Forget trying to find my parents. Survey Corps, here I come.
Well... If I get out of here alive, that is.
I killed the last Titan in a group of five, and flew over to a roof where team Ian and Mikasa were.
"The situation is bad." Ian said grimly, overlooking the area. "Even with you two helping out, things aren't looking bright. There's just so many... if only the plan hadn't failed, dammit. If only we had plugged the breach, then—"
No, scratch that. Not thunder. Footsteps.
The roof beneath us trembled. The three of us turned around. And my... It was certainly a glorious sight.
Eren was slowly but steadily making his way through the town. And guess what? He was carrying the fucking gigantic boulder over his head.
A breath escaped my mouth. Was it a delirious laugh? Was it an astounded gasp? I couldn't be sure. Whatever. But seeing him up and conscious... and seeing that fire in his eyes that was so purely human, so incredibly Eren... I felt like all of humanity's hope and joy collected inside of me, and I wanted to combust with pride.
"Yes! Yes, he did it!" Mikasa and I broke out in cheers.
Ian simply stood there, mouth agape. All vocabulary seemed to have failed him. Oh well... words are overrated, right?
"You two," He told us once he snapped out of it. "I want you to stay by Jaeger's side! Defend him till the end of the journey, got it?"
"Yes, sir!" Mikasa and I saluted.
In order to defend Eren as he carried the boulder across town, we had to get lower to the ground. And god, was it grisly down here. The stench of pooled blood burned our nostrils, but we had to keep going. Thankfully, Armin joined us by our side. It was a relief to know he was okay. I made a mental note to praise him later for reviving Eren.
It was hard and sweaty work. Every Titan that came within a mile radius, Mikasa and I killed it with expertise. Some weren't even give the chance to turn the corner. We would already be on them, blades drawn, slicing the hell out of them.
But admittedly... not everyone had the same success.
All around us, as we accompanied Eren, soldiers here and there and everywhere were dying. Eaten like prey right in front of our faces. Sometimes we were able to help, but sometimes it was a lost cause and we would have to keep moving forwards.
But oh god, the screaming. The shouts. The gargled cries as they were chomped on.
I tried to ignore it as best as I could. Impulsiveness would only get me killed.
Then I caught sight of the breach. I'd never been so happy to see a gap of crumbling stone in my entire life.
A Titan was down on all fours, impeding our path. Rico, the one who had warned us, came flying in at jet-speed. Her glasses twinkled as she spun and gouged out an eye, blinding the Titan. The Titan, unable to see properly on his left side, brought his hand down on us but missed. I saw the fury on Mikasa's face, and I let her have it.
While she took that one down, Armin and I accompanied Eren on the last few meters (which were only a couple footsteps for him) towards the breach. My heart beat faster the closer we got, until eventually, there was no more distance to cover. This was it. What we had fought for was finally being granted to us.
Eren's arms quivered underneath the weight. Could he hold it any longer?
The whole world froze, allowing Armin's voice to resonate across town. Then came Eren's sky-rattling roar, announcing humanity's triumph as he lowered the boulder and jammed it into the breach, sealing the hole.
There was a heavy silence. The titans continued munching in the background, but they hardly mattered now.
All at once, I realized just how weak my body felt and I allowed myself to drop to my knees, trying to catch my breath from all the constant running. I felt a pang of numbness wash over me, and I looked up at the sky. The clouds were orange and pink, swirling together to make a beautiful, sunset masterpiece.
We did it. At the close of day, we finally made history. We won this battle.
I would've cried tears of joy, but after such a painful day, I didn't have any tears left. It's fine, though. Celebration could be dealt with later. Right now...
I observed Eren's now unconscious body, steaming and hunched over the boulder.
We need to make sure he's okay...
I forced my exhausted legs to get up again, and ejected an anchor onto Eren's neck, pulling myself upwards. I kneeled down and hissed as the heat burned my knees. How hot was it here... 500 degrees? While the other soldiers busied themselves with the remaining titans inside the town, I started cutting Eren's nape in order to free him. I was pretty worried, to be honest. In this heat, any normal person would suffocate...
Normal person. Well, I guess he's not that. Not anymore.
But... I couldn't think of him as a monster either...
Grunting, I finished the cut and chunks of the nape began to disintegrate, revealing Eren— The true Eren, only 5'7 in height. Thank goodness.
Uh oh, I thought, grabbing his torso and trying to pull him out. But he wouldn't budge. I peered over his shoulder and saw both his arms were fused with red, slimy tendons and muscle. Great. Now what am I supposed to do? Not to mention, he was practically burning me like I was holding a lump of hot coal.
I took a look at his face. His eyes were closed and peacefully ignorant to the world. I sighed warily. You've really outdone yourself this time, idiot...
"Jo! What's going on? How is he?" Armin asked from below.
"He's burning up and he's fused to the Titan! I can't get him out!" I shouted. One by one they landed besides me on the carcass: Armin, Mikasa, and Rico. "We need to get him over the wall quickly so he can get medical attention!" I said, tugging his body to no avail.
"Then we cut." Rico said, already brandishing her blades.
Mikasa, for the first time ever, actually looked startled at the thought of violence. "But we don't know what that will do! What if—"
But too late. Rico officially wins the award for 'Most Impulsive Person'. Without any sort of warning or hesitation, she swiped her blades and cut the tendons connecting Eren to the neck. The resistance was no longer there, and next thing I knew, I was falling backwards with Eren down the Titan's back. It was a rough landing, but not too damaging. Eren appeared fine for the most part. However, there was no denying my ass hurt from hitting the ground. I looked up at Rico, a bit annoyed. "You could've been more care-"
A shadow loomed over me. Not the normal kind, though. No. A huge shadow that chilled the air.
I looked over my shoulder, already knowing what to expect. And there it was. Actually, there they were. It was two titans, a double threat. Both of them were thin and lanky, staring down at Eren and I like we were the last cookies on the platter.
One of them made a move and stretched out its hand.
"Jo! Eren!" I heard Mikasa scream from above.
My first instinct was to huddle Eren protectively. I don't know why, but it just happened. Maybe it was a reciprocation of what he did for me back in that Titan's stomach, holding me tight and all.
But dammit, they were so close. There's no way I could attempt to kill them.
And the groping hand only grew closer and closer.
I shut my eyes, wondering which one it would pick first, if not both of us at the same time.
Shing! A pair of blades were put to work. I heard the clanging of ODM gear and then suddenly, the darkness of the shadows was gone. What happened? Was it safe to open my eyes now?
I decided 'screw it' and opened my eyes. The more I took in the sight the more they widened, shocked.
Both titans were face down on the ground. Dead.
On the carcasses, a soldier stood boldly against the sunset plastered in the background. Wait, no— not just any soldier. He wore a green cape with the wings of freedom imprinted on it, the fabric rustling in the wind.
But when he looked at me...
"Alright, you brats." He spoke coldly, "this is the part where you explain yourselves."
