#hiddennikki

[hiddennikki]

I’m Almost Me Again, He’s Almost You

It’s amazing how certain songs, certain voices, certain melodies take you to another world. How every second of a really good song brings you closer to something higher, something magical, some kind of an out of body experience.

That’s what Hozier does to me. His words, his melody, his entire being. He writes about love the way someone should write about love. He sings with so much passion, he unconsciously transfers the energy to the person listening to him. 

It’s been a long time since I’ve heard music as good as this. His songs bring tears to my eyes, wakes something inside me and at the same time, calms me down. 

He makes me want to fall in love. He makes me want to bring those walls down.

I fall in love with people who are passionate with what they do. I feel like I would envy the girl he’d fall in love with...I guess I just have to find my own Hozier (if that’s even possible!). Haha!

I hope he continues to make music. I hope love takes good care of him, cause he takes good care of love himself.

[hiddennikki]

Here’s the thing: I’ve seen this movie over a hundred times already, but last night was something I never thought I would get to experience.

I was speechless on the way home. I was again reminded that the story of Elio and Oliver exists in this lifetime.

A familiar feeling came across me the moment I entered the auditorium. I was at awe just by simply seeing the poster on the big screen. For months I have been waiting for this moment, even wrestled the urge to not watch it for a month. Then I saw the orchestra, and everyone in the auditorium. Each and every one of us in there has been or is an Elio/Oliver, and my heart felt like it was about to burst, thinking we are all linked together by this beautiful piece of literature. It’s amazing how art can touch so many lives.

Out of all the beautiful pieces played during the film, I have to say my favourites were Le jardin féerique from Ma mère l’Oye, Mystery of Love, Hallelujah Junction, and Visions of Gideon. ‘Hallelujah Junction 1st Movement,’ woke up the sleeping musician in me. It reminded me of why I play. Of why I have a heart for music. It woke me up and made me understand that it is never too late to do things you’ve always dreamt of. ‘Le jardin féerique from Ma mère l’Oye’ has always been a favourite. I listen to it every morning. It relaxes my soul and steadies my mind. I even went back to having piano lessons to refresh my system so I’d get to play it for myself. Hearing it live left me dumbfounded. I just couldn’t bring myself to believe it is finally happening. That I’m here. In this moment, with people who love every bit of it as much as I do. Then there was peace–peace brought by Sufjan Stevens–‘Mystery of Love.’ Every time ‘Mystery of Love’ plays in the film, I always find myself tearing up. It is in that part where Elio and Oliver need not hide anything from anyone. No more pretending, no more hiding. It always feels like the trip to Bergamo was a gift from the Universe. You can just see how happy they were just being together–with how content they were by just having one another, how much they feel for each other. Hearing it live with an orchestra was like listening to a lullaby played on a beautiful Summer afternoon. When things aren’t as complicated and as tiring as they usually were on cold, normal days. I couldn’t put into words exactly how moving it was. How for a brief period of time, I was transported somewhere else. Some place safe, some place familiar, some place magical. It gives me chills just by thinking about it. Then of course, ‘Visions of Gideon.’ I’ll try my best to write about the experience, hearing it live with an orchestra– yes, this is my attempt. ‘Visions of Gideon’ is heartbreaking even without the orchestra. So imagine how I felt hearing it with violins, and pianos, and bass. The midnight scene where it starts playing, sent chills down my spine. And when it started playing again at the end credits with Elio by the fireplace, best believe I cried my eyes out (I'm getting goosebumps just by writing about it). It felt like it was being played for love, if love were a person. Like telling love your worries, sorrows, and fears. Also telling love how beautiful, how tender, how true it was for you. How you will forever cherish every single thing you shared with him. The highs and the lows, the good and the bad.

Video taking was not allowed for obvious reasons. At first I was really bummed out about it because I really wanted to document every second of it so I can go back whenever I want to. But I guess that’s the beauty of it–that you get to experience something once only and it makes it even more delicate. Sentimental. There are moments in life you’d cherish forever, and this night was definitely one of them. For a moment I was feeling things again. I felt alive. Awake but dreamy. At peace but uneasy. In love but hurting–and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Some of my friends make fun of me for watching/reading Call Me By Your Name again and again, but I don’t care. It is quite rare to come across something as beautiful and as moving as Call Me By Your Name. You can say whatever you want about it, but for me it is real. It is more than just a film, more than just a book and it will stay that way for me ‘til the day I die.

And yes, Elio & Oliver forever.

[hiddennikki]

“We had found the stars, you and I. And this is given once only.”

I can’t remember the last time I felt something as strong as how I’m feeling now, over a book I’m holding. ‘Call Me By Your Name’ reminded me of why my love for books exists. 

Let me tell you how it took me back to a time when I had no idea what it means to fall in love. Of falling to the unknown, of the brand new set of eyes you get to see the world in. The longing and uncertainty hit so close to home, that I had to pull myself back and remind myself that this is Elio talking and not me. I felt as if the words were slowly cutting my chest open as if to dig out a part of me I’ve long since hidden in the deepest darkest parts of my body. It is a love letter I regret not having the guts to write. An ode to everyone who’s still there. To everyone who knows ‘it’ never really went away. To everyone who felt as if the goodbye was more of a “Later!” rather than the actual cutting of ties. The words were so beautifully chosen that it stays with you long after you’ve gone through all 248 pages. And now I’m left here to wonder whether I finished the book, or if the book finished me.

‘Call Me By Your Name’ is like a diary entry I made when the words “longing,” “loving,” and “hoping” were all that made sense in this world. It narrates how love changes a person. How it brings us out of our boxes. How we always choose to go the extra mile just so love can stay. It made me see how vulnerable we can get once we start to care for someone. And how there is always beauty in opening up. We were all Elio’s for someone, and at some point in our lives. And I think this is something we should be thankful for; that in this lifetime we were able to cross paths with an Oliver and that we were able to feel something as beautiful as what love is.

Love is a beautiful, complicated thing for me. It touches a lot of things–both positive and negative, like–acceptance, arguments, self-loathing, bliss, intimacy, distance, and all the things you can imagine. But at the end of the day, love is what keeps us going. It’s what makes us human.

I don’t know, it’s been a while since I came across a book that touched my soul, and just…moved me. I know I will be spending the next couple of days, weeks, or months maybe, just completely taking it all in. ‘Call Me By Your Name’ made its way to my list of all-time favourite books, and I know this isn’t the last time I will be picking it up from my shelf. Just as how I know this isn’t the last time I am going to love.

[hiddennikki]

Laura: Are you…gonna head out soon? Princess Carolyn: Where else would I go?

*phone rings* Phone: Happy birthday, Princess Carolyn! Princess Carolyn: *sighs* Thanks…phone. Phone: You are…40.

And that kids is when I knew “BoJack Horseman” is something else. God, I love this show.

[hiddennikki]

Ghost Spots

“We walked down the back stairwell into the garden where the old breakfast table used to be. “This was my father's spot. I call it his ghost spot. My spot used to be over there, if you remember.” I pointed to where my old table used to stand by the pool. “Did I have a spot?” he asked with a half grin. “You'll always have a spot.” I wanted to tell him that the pool, the garden, the house, the tennis court, the orle of paradise, the whole place, would always be his ghost spot. Instead, I pointed upstairs to the French windows of his room. Your eyes are forever there, I wanted to say, trapped in the sheer curtains, staring out from my bedroom upstairs where no one sleeps these days. When there's a breeze and they swell and I look up from down here or stand outside on the balcony, I'll catch myself thinking that you're in there, staring out from your world to my world, saying, as you did on that one night when I found you on the rock, I've been happy here. You're thousands of miles away but no sooner do I look at this window than I'll think of a bathing suit, a shirt thrown on on the fly, arms resting on the banister, and you're suddenly there, lighting up your first cigarette of the day—twenty years ago today. For as long as the house stands, this will be your ghost spot—and mine too, I wanted to say.” –– Elio, Call Me By Your Name

[hiddennikki]

I think this post contains spoilers. So, if you haven’t read/seen Call Me By Your Name (uhh, why tho), I suggest you click out. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.

I don’t even know where to start. So let me just say that while I was about to watch the film, I figured maybe it would hurt a little less since I’ve already read the book. I knew what was going to happen, and had my fair share of heartache and tears. But boy, was I wrong.

I am a sucker for sad love stories. And it’s been a while since I came across one that I liked this much. It reminded me of a time when I was falling in love for the first time, when I had no idea how to calm the butterflies in my stomach. It’s funny how I can see myself in Elio’s shoes, but at the same time envy him for having the courage to reach out, speak your heart, and love with no boundaries. I wish I knew the risks and consequences that came with falling in love, at such a young age. It just made me see how beautifully love flows once you know nothing was forced, when everything just comes together naturally. Call Me By Your Name is by far the most painful one I’ve seen, yet I still find myself watching it over and over again.

Elio and Oliver. Timothée and Armie. It’s amazing how it felt like the characters “Elio” and “Oliver” chose Timothée and Armie to play them on screen. It’s more than just chemistry, I’m telling you, there’s just something so real between the two of them that makes the entire film more authentic. Oliver is exactly how I imagined him to be: handsome, smart, breathtaking, sexy, and well, sexy. I just can’t stop staring at his face, goddammit! I can’t blame Elio for falling for such a guy, I mean in the words of Timothée: “Who wouldn’t fall in love with this guy [right here]?!” And let us not forget the beauty that is Elio. So innocent, raw, delicate, sweet, and gives me peace. I also can’t blame Oliver for falling in love. The look on his face, the sound of his voice, and the way he carries himself...just perfect. He gives Elio so much colour and truly is heaven sent. Crazy how believable they were in this film. Something about the characters are so beautiful and true, there is zero chance of you not noticing it.

This film was a feast for the eyes. I envy filmmakers who look at any place as if it were a photograph ready to be taken at any moment. It brought my imagination to life. Like someone was narrating inside my head and the words are being translated into the visuals shown in front of me. Like every corner was a story waiting to be told. It feels like this film was made under the best set of circumstances any film could ever hope for, or at least that’s how it felt while I was watching it. Everything just worked together so beautifully, it’s almost impossible for me to get over it.

Reading the book and watching the film are two different set of experiences. I’m glad I was given the chance to experience both, and would take them with me forever. I’d keep it in a small box, carry it in my heart, and revisit the memory every once in a while. But mostly during times of doubt and helplessness. The emotions are just so damn real, intimate, and true. It gives you hope and pain, and takes you back to a time when all that mattered in this world was love.

I’ve been trying to write this for days now and couldn’t fully get a hold of everything, so I’ve decided to just make sub-posts on my favourite scenes instead (jk, the entire film is MY FAVOURITE SCENE):

Piano

“I like the way you say things...”

Nosebleed

Midnight

“Why didn’t you give me a sign?”

“I don’t want you to go.”

Mystery of Love

That conversation with Papa

Phone Call

Okay, I know this looks a lot but I REALLY NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS FILM. And I literally could go on for hours just telling you how much I love Call Me By Your Name. I may have said “beautiful” 500 times in this post but I don’t care. It’s really just plain beautiful for me. But yeah, Mom’s calling, and says we have to go. So ya, I’ll go talk some other time (I’m really excited, tho). Later!

[hiddennikki]

confessions

“waiting for death like a cat that will jump on the bed

I am so very sorry for my wife

she will see this stiff white body

shake it once, then maybe again:

“Hank!”

Hank won’t answer.

it’s not my death that worries me, it’s my wife left with this pile of nothing.

I want to let her know though that all the nights sleeping beside her even the useless arguments were things ever splendid

and the hard words I ever feared to say can now be said:

I love you.”

- Finished reading my Bukowski book. My heart hurts.

[hiddennikki]

I was scrolling through my playlists, and saw this one under a mix I made during one of your trips abroad. And man, I’m telling you, this song is oozing with memories of you. It’s just too much for me that I had to skip after hearing the first 3 or 4 bars, I don’t know. I guess I have to live the rest of my life skipping this song.

Damn, I need beer.