fuck, you found me

“You’re young. You don’t know why you do things but there’s always a reason.”   (Palo Alto, 2013)

[hiddennikki]

Stuck in August

Rain smells like him Like it’s part of his skin And I remember that face Like the world’s weighing in And I remember the clouds, And the sound of the birds As I wait for dawn to turn to dusk, It feels like I’m stuck in August

[hiddennikki]

And I'm alright till I'm not I've got you till I've not got someone to sing to Or someone who's not you

I'm on fire till I'm burned There are no lessons learned And I have earned this And I deserve this

So, I'm not saying I've seen all there is to see But I've seen enough to know enough to know I like what I see And I'm just saying I've been dreaming only of you For long enough to know enough to know I might be through with anyone who's not you Anyone who's not you

[hiddennikki]

What a lonely life.

[hiddennikki]

(via https://open.spotify.com/track/1IbgYIuVwJsibCcT5GFYHy?si=dPOkf_OpQSunGqZBFrzvbg)

If falling in love had a sound, this would be it.

“Wasteland, Baby!” might have to be my favourite track from the record (well of course there’s “Shrike”, “Would That I”, & “Almost”). I love how it sounds so delicate, so intimate, so pure. It almost feels like I’m listening to someone confessing, someone laying down the cards with no turning back, someone trying to crack open somebody with hands that has no intentions of breaking anything. It’s his voice, it’s his words, the sound of the guitar. It’s how everything just seem to work together to pass on that message – that message we all dream of having to receive and accept.

The first time I heard it, I knew it was something I’d go back to over and over again. And now almost a month after hearing it, I still get the shivers and I feel tears forming in my eyes whenever I hear it. It brings me to a dreamy state, while waking everything inside me. As if telling me, here, you’re allowed to feel things, so lay still. And in those 4 minutes, you let yourself wander around the possibilities brought by that sensation you feel inside. That voice telling you his worries, his intentions, and visions of the future. That voice that sounds so comforting and secure and almost like a warm embrace we all seek for after a long, long day.

And you never want to leave that place. You hang on to that, as if your entire body is begging you to stay. Even just for a little while.

That’s what Wasteland, Baby! is for me. I long for the day I get to hear this live.

[hiddennikki]

I’m Almost Me Again, He’s Almost You

It’s amazing how certain songs, certain voices, certain melodies take you to another world. How every second of a really good song brings you closer to something higher, something magical, some kind of an out of body experience.

That’s what Hozier does to me. His words, his melody, his entire being. He writes about love the way someone should write about love. He sings with so much passion, he unconsciously transfers the energy to the person listening to him. 

It’s been a long time since I’ve heard music as good as this. His songs bring tears to my eyes, wakes something inside me and at the same time, calms me down. 

He makes me want to fall in love. He makes me want to bring those walls down.

I fall in love with people who are passionate with what they do. I feel like I would envy the girl he’d fall in love with...I guess I just have to find my own Hozier (if that’s even possible!). Haha!

I hope he continues to make music. I hope love takes good care of him, cause he takes good care of love himself.

[hirxeth]

Call Me by Your Name (2017) dir. Luca Guadagnino

[hiddennikki]

Life Update #011: Lonely Heart’s Club

It’s Valentine’s Day, and I hate to admit it but I kinda miss it. Could’ve been my 3rd one spending it with someone I’ve really fallen in love with but sometimes life doesn’t turn out like how we expect it to.

I bought lunch this morning and I was so scared to walk around cause I dreaded the time when I would see people walking in twos, hand in hand, with smiles you can’t not notice.

But then I realized, why am I spending way too much time hating love? If it didn’t work out for me, I figured it could with other people and that was a thought I never knew could make me feel better. I look around me and see people celebrating love, and that’s a good thing. It’s a beautiful thing to witness.

I guess what I hate most is having to wait for someone to celebrate it with. I’m in no rush, not even looking for it. Just that it would be great to experience it first hand. But I guess good things come to those who wait.

And so I’ll wait.

Happy Valentine’s Day, muggles!

[hiddennikki]

There are places I'll remember All my life, though some have changed Some forever, not for better Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments With lovers and friends I still can recall Some are dead and some are living In my life, I've loved them all

-

I’ve been listening to The Beatles’ records one by one, and with each record comes a song that hits close to home. Of all the tracks, this one struck me the most. This goes out to me, to all the places where I’ve made so much memories, people who stayed, and those who didn’t. To all the good times, the bad, and everything in between.

I’ve loved them all. At least at a certain point in time.

Love from Nicole x

[hiddennikki]

Music plays such a huge role in my life. It is through music that I am able to express hurt, frustrations, bliss, love. Lately, I have been listening to songs from previous generations and I noticed a shift in my perspective in life.

This one in particular, I guess, made that shift happen. It is a classic written by my favourite ‘Beatle’, John Lennon. I think one of the reasons why I love John is because like me, he tries to see the good in everyone, even after all the horrible things he had to face back then. He reminded me of how peace finds its way into our hearts.

I constantly find myself in a position where things just get so chaotic and loud and I look for ways to escape. Most of the time, I have no fight left in me that I allow myself to get lost and get consumed by it all. It is very exhausting, but I am grateful that songs such as this serve as a reminder that there are things in life that the evil can’t ever take away from us: that in times of doubt, trouble, and/or fear, you can always choose to close your eyes, breathe, and imagine.

[hiddennikki]

“Heard this song my whole life, always in the background...in a movie, in a store, at a nice bar. Never knew its origin or who it was. Now I do, and I've made a lifelong friend...which, strangely, has been a very old friend all along.” –(@drott150)

“i am pretty much a loner, but this piece makes me feel like I have lived a thousand times over.” –(@owl man)

“how can i get Nostalgia for times that i've never lived?” –(@Monsieur Candie)

“I am home, content, listening to the rain and this music. I close my eyes and let my imagination drift. It is a beautiful thing to have a wild imagination, the pitter-patter of rain, and the mellow tune of a beautiful song to take me into a blissful state.” –(@hollin220)

“How great it must have been...in a time when everyone in the streets dressed fine, jazz was popular music and the future seemed bright. Technology had not yet ripped apart our minds and social structures, taking a photo was something extraordinary and the whole world moved slower, in a peaceful pace. One wasn´t able to have everything, everytime, anywhere. If you wanted to learn something you had to read a book. Everyone´s world was smaller for sure, but that´s not a bad thing. People found their happiness in small things, in simple things. And i know i may seem like any other person who says "Everything was better in the past". But yeah, it was. I envy my ancestors, they have lived in a world which hadn´t lost its charm yet.” –(@PhilSt.)

[hiddennikki]

Here’s the thing: I’ve seen this movie over a hundred times already, but last night was something I never thought I would get to experience.

I was speechless on the way home. I was again reminded that the story of Elio and Oliver exists in this lifetime.

A familiar feeling came across me the moment I entered the auditorium. I was at awe just by simply seeing the poster on the big screen. For months I have been waiting for this moment, even wrestled the urge to not watch it for a month. Then I saw the orchestra, and everyone in the auditorium. Each and every one of us in there has been or is an Elio/Oliver, and my heart felt like it was about to burst, thinking we are all linked together by this beautiful piece of literature. It’s amazing how art can touch so many lives.

Out of all the beautiful pieces played during the film, I have to say my favourites were Le jardin féerique from Ma mère l’Oye, Mystery of Love, Hallelujah Junction, and Visions of Gideon. ‘Hallelujah Junction 1st Movement,’ woke up the sleeping musician in me. It reminded me of why I play. Of why I have a heart for music. It woke me up and made me understand that it is never too late to do things you’ve always dreamt of. ‘Le jardin féerique from Ma mère l’Oye’ has always been a favourite. I listen to it every morning. It relaxes my soul and steadies my mind. I even went back to having piano lessons to refresh my system so I’d get to play it for myself. Hearing it live left me dumbfounded. I just couldn’t bring myself to believe it is finally happening. That I’m here. In this moment, with people who love every bit of it as much as I do. Then there was peace–peace brought by Sufjan Stevens–‘Mystery of Love.’ Every time ‘Mystery of Love’ plays in the film, I always find myself tearing up. It is in that part where Elio and Oliver need not hide anything from anyone. No more pretending, no more hiding. It always feels like the trip to Bergamo was a gift from the Universe. You can just see how happy they were just being together–with how content they were by just having one another, how much they feel for each other. Hearing it live with an orchestra was like listening to a lullaby played on a beautiful Summer afternoon. When things aren’t as complicated and as tiring as they usually were on cold, normal days. I couldn’t put into words exactly how moving it was. How for a brief period of time, I was transported somewhere else. Some place safe, some place familiar, some place magical. It gives me chills just by thinking about it. Then of course, ‘Visions of Gideon.’ I’ll try my best to write about the experience, hearing it live with an orchestra– yes, this is my attempt. ‘Visions of Gideon’ is heartbreaking even without the orchestra. So imagine how I felt hearing it with violins, and pianos, and bass. The midnight scene where it starts playing, sent chills down my spine. And when it started playing again at the end credits with Elio by the fireplace, best believe I cried my eyes out (I'm getting goosebumps just by writing about it). It felt like it was being played for love, if love were a person. Like telling love your worries, sorrows, and fears. Also telling love how beautiful, how tender, how true it was for you. How you will forever cherish every single thing you shared with him. The highs and the lows, the good and the bad.

Video taking was not allowed for obvious reasons. At first I was really bummed out about it because I really wanted to document every second of it so I can go back whenever I want to. But I guess that’s the beauty of it–that you get to experience something once only and it makes it even more delicate. Sentimental. There are moments in life you’d cherish forever, and this night was definitely one of them. For a moment I was feeling things again. I felt alive. Awake but dreamy. At peace but uneasy. In love but hurting–and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Some of my friends make fun of me for watching/reading Call Me By Your Name again and again, but I don’t care. It is quite rare to come across something as beautiful and as moving as Call Me By Your Name. You can say whatever you want about it, but for me it is real. It is more than just a film, more than just a book and it will stay that way for me ‘til the day I die.

And yes, Elio & Oliver forever.

[hiddennikki]

The sky might fall but I'm not worried at all.

“Sky Might Fall” by Kid Cudi

[hiddennikki]

Life Update 010: Chiarezza

I was scrolling through Facebook today and came across a post made by her. It was a video, a video log to be exact. I was hesitant in clicking it because I felt a familiar chill in my gut that I knew would lead me somewhere I loathe. But a part of me also wanted to see it for myself–maybe I’d get a glimpse of why you chose her. Maybe I’d understand, maybe even learn to accept every bit of it.

With my heart racing, I clicked on the video. 10 seconds in, I knew what it was: she is soft, kind, beautiful, and everything I ever wanted to be. Hate started to fill me up–but hate directed to me, and not to her. There is literally not a single thing I could hate about her, and that’s what angers me. I’ve been trying to make myself hate her when in reality, I was just frustrated with how things turned out. I hate myself for feeling that way. For allowing myself to be that low, that immature. I hate having to carry this negativity with me and make her feel it, literally feel it, when we’re in the same room. I know I’m better than this but it’s very difficult to watch you watch her with such loving eyes. How much you care for her, how much of your time you give her, and the amount of effort you give to make everyone see it. And of course, at the end of the day, who the hell was I?

“Bitter” isn’t even a word to describe how I feel. I think it is something deeper, something more intense than loneliness. But I now know what it is about her, and it makes things a little less heavy. Take good care of her, she is quite a catch. “A blessing,” as to how others describe her.

It might take a while but I’m sure I’ll get there.

I hope all is well.

[hiddennikki]

Laura: Are you…gonna head out soon? Princess Carolyn: Where else would I go?

*phone rings* Phone: Happy birthday, Princess Carolyn! Princess Carolyn: *sighs* Thanks…phone. Phone: You are…40.

And that kids is when I knew “BoJack Horseman” is something else. God, I love this show.

[hiddennikki]

Life Update 009: The Spirals

“Spirals grow infinitely small the farther you follow them inward, but they also grow infinitely large the farther you follow them out.” –– John Green, Turtles All The Way Down

I was going through some stuff on my laptop when I came across some videos I’ve created over the last 2 years. Looking back, I never really thought I was doing something grand, something I might be proud of. But now, after a number of breakdowns and questioning my life’s purpose a couple of times, I feel like I really did create something I should be proud of. I think I need to be a little kind to myself too, not just to others. But I just can’t bring myself to do it cause the monsters keep telling me I don’t deserve it.

Anyway, if you want to see the videos I did when I was in a much better place, here you go:

https://www.facebook.com/PlayPH/videos/vl.1708155816148061/1347401378691482/?type=1

https://www.facebook.com/PlayPH/videos/vl.1708155816148061/1370485529716400/?type=1

https://www.facebook.com/PlayPH/videos/1656006547830962/

[hiddennikki]

Life Update 008: All The Way Down

“The worst part of being truly alone is you think about all the times you wished that everyone would just leave you be. Then they do, and you are left being, and you turn out to be the terrible company.” –– John Green, Turtles All The Way Down

Its times like this I wish I had the gang around. I miss driving around town with Lex behind the steering wheel. Phia up front, Babs and I fighting over which song to play next. I wish moving and starting over were as easy as how vloggers on YouTube make it ought to be. I wish I can look into the future and see whether I’m making the right decisions. I want to see if I’d be happier, tens and thousands of miles away from home. There’s a lot I want to know of about the future. It’s scary as hell, but I just wish I’d have them with me. Sometimes you wish time would go faster. I’d wish for that now. But I guess it’s in these slow, quiet moments where you’d figure out what you really want in this life. I guess I just have to wait and see.

[hiddennikki]

Ghost Spots

“We walked down the back stairwell into the garden where the old breakfast table used to be. “This was my father's spot. I call it his ghost spot. My spot used to be over there, if you remember.” I pointed to where my old table used to stand by the pool. “Did I have a spot?” he asked with a half grin. “You'll always have a spot.” I wanted to tell him that the pool, the garden, the house, the tennis court, the orle of paradise, the whole place, would always be his ghost spot. Instead, I pointed upstairs to the French windows of his room. Your eyes are forever there, I wanted to say, trapped in the sheer curtains, staring out from my bedroom upstairs where no one sleeps these days. When there's a breeze and they swell and I look up from down here or stand outside on the balcony, I'll catch myself thinking that you're in there, staring out from your world to my world, saying, as you did on that one night when I found you on the rock, I've been happy here. You're thousands of miles away but no sooner do I look at this window than I'll think of a bathing suit, a shirt thrown on on the fly, arms resting on the banister, and you're suddenly there, lighting up your first cigarette of the day—twenty years ago today. For as long as the house stands, this will be your ghost spot—and mine too, I wanted to say.” –– Elio, Call Me By Your Name