His Solace (XVII)
~~~
Summary: (Y/N) has found a way to put an end to the war, but now has to carry a heavy burden on her shoulders. Seeing her in this state, Zeke helped his wife by reminding her what they are fighting for.
Word Count: 7.4K
Warnings: Angst. SPOILERS for the Final Season. Mild insults and language. Racism (Marleyan/Eldian). Deception. Fighting.
Gif credits: @anyadarkseid
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Year 854
One Month Later After Arrival
Since the war started, Zeke has been dreading to wake up in the early hours of the morning. He hated waking up just to repeat the same cycle of violence and then go to bed with the cries/moans of the injured filling the air. The only time he had some respite during the night was when he took out the only memento of home to gaze upon.
It was a picture of (Y/N) with Kaito in her arms.
The photograph was old -almost two years old- and it had seen better days but Zeke made sure no creases or wrinkles touched his family. And while the photograph was void of any color, he can still imagine that lovely shade of (E/C) that he admired so much. Then there was Kaito. His smile was frozen in time but it was the kind of smile that left an impression on him. The same can be said with his laugh. Kaito had a cute, happy laugh that could just melt any person’s heart. Before the war, he loved making the little toddler laugh. It always felt like a small victory whenever he did.
But for the last month, Zeke rarely took out the photograph. Sure, on the nights when he missed Kaito he pulled out the small piece of film. However, the same can’t be said for his wife.
He no longer needed to gaze upon a photograph to see her because (Y/N) was right next to him, sleeping soundly in his bed. Her hands were clapped together underneath her head. Her hair decorated the pillow with her (H/C) locks in such an artistic manner, almost as if she’s making herself more beautiful on purpose. Her expression was one of peace. Her soft breathing filled the quiet room. Her bare feet were warm against his underneath the covers.
Ever since her arrival, Zeke now appreciated these early hours. It was his favorite time of day. He felt strangely safe every time he was with her. She didn’t have to do or say anything but her presence was just that comforting. She was the definition of a solace.
And any moment now, (Y/N) will wake up and the reality of their situation will once more fall upon their shoulders.
One month ago, (Y/N) asked -well more like interrogated- him about the future. She had that determined glint in her eyes when she did so. Zeke understood her frustration. He would be mad too if she was hiding something important. However, he knew he had to keep the euthanization plan a secret from her. At least until the time is right. But with every morning that passed by, Zeke couldn’t help but recall the memory of their fight and wondered: Had he made the right choice?
Flashback to One Month Ago
“A serious talk? About what?” Zeke asked.
“The future.”
“Ah.” He turned around and walked back to his desk. His hands grabbed all the battle plans, maps, and other important paperwork that made him stay up all night. He’s been trying to find a better plan than the one proposed by Sergeant Major Gross. If he could find a way to-
“Don’t just say ‘ah’, Zeke. I need to know what you have planned.” (Y/N)’s eyes glanced at the doorway before lowering her voice, “Hange and Levi told me what you told Yelena. Now I want you to tell me. Don’t skip any details.”
“Well, if they told you already, why do I need to repeat it?”
(Y/N) gave him a look that Zeke knew he had no choice in the matter… At least this time. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and raised a brow at him. “Tell me.”
Zeke relented and told her everything about his plan. Not the real plan about euthanizing the Eldian population, of course. As he explained his cover up plan, Zeke tried his best to control his facial expressions. (Y/N) was watching him like a hawk. Her (E/C) eyes stared into his as she took in every word. After telling her, Zeke waited for her to say something. But she didn’t say anything. She just waited, as if he was going to say more.
“This is where you say something.” He told her.
(Y/N) closed her eyes as she remembered her conversation with Levi and Hange. What Zeke told her matched what they said. She was hoping Zeke would let something slip or at least add another detail to the plan. Unfortunately, he didn’t. He told her about the three points of his plan.
A test run of the Rumbling to show the world its power.
The cooperation of Hizuru in order to strengthen Paradis’s military until the Rumbling’s threat is no longer needed.
A Titan of royal blood and the Founding Titan must be passed down. Which means once Zeke’s term reaches its end, Historia will inherit his Beast Titan and during her 13-year term she will have to bear as many children as possible.
And while Hizuru’s cooperation can’t be counted on as they only want to monopolize the island’s resources for themselves, (Y/N) wondered if Zeke had a contingency plan in place.
“Do you have a contingency plan?” She asked him as she sat down on the bed. “Hange told me that Hizuru won’t be cooperating with Paradis.”
“We don’t need one.” Zeke sat down next to her. “I only included Hizuru as a way for Paradis to advance as a nation. I thought since their ancestors were friends with King Fritz at the time, we could use that as an advantage. Plus, their weapons and aircraft development is something that can help the island. Their cooperation isn’t necessary. As long as the Rumbling-”
“Zeke.”
He stopped talking when (Y/N) spoke his name. His eyes met hers. And those eyes with the beautiful shade of (E/C) seemed to pierce into his soul, if he had one.
“I want to believe you.”
“Then believe me.”
She shook her head. “I can’t. Not when you haven’t told me a single word about this plan. For almost two years. Paradis is my home. I have the right, then and now, to know how you’ll protect it.”
“What’s important is that you know now.” Zeke took her hands and held them. “I told you how I’ll protect Paradis. The only reason I couldn’t tell you was because I had to protect you. At the time, you were pregnant with Kaito. You were already having a hard time adjusting to the outside world. I know you’re strong, (Y/N), but I didn’t want you to worry any more than you have to.”
“So you thought it wasn’t okay for me to learn about your plan of using the Rumbling, but it was okay for me to learn about it through all that Marleyan propaganda? How does that make sense, Zeke?”
“I…” Damn it. Zeke couldn’t come up with an excuse. Sure, he had several excuses but none of them would convince (Y/N). Sometimes, it’s a curse to have a smart wife. So he picked a believable excuse and crossed his fingers it would work. “I would rather have you learn about it through the books than from me. Don’t you remember how you were when you learned about our history? You were livid. So how was I going to tell you that my plan involves using the Rumbling? I knew you would be against it.”
(Y/N) stayed silent after listening to his explanation. She knew Zeke had a point. The use of the Rumbling, even if it's a portion of it, she would be opposed to it. But she was also opposed to the idea of Historia inheriting Titan powers. The idea of children eating parents… She agreed with Hange at that point. Pushing their problems on to their descendants in order to save the island now was not the right way.
As much as (Y/N) hated to admit it, the Rumbling was the best option for Paradis to have a future.
So why did she have this deep gut feeling that Zeke wasn’t telling her something? He was hiding something from her.
“(Y/N)?” Zeke’s voice broke her out of her thoughts. “Are you alright?”
“I don’t know Zeke. I hate this plan of yours. A plan that you should have told me since the beginning. At least then we could have worked together to figure something out.”
Frustrated, Zeke let out a sigh. “Look, there’s no point in arguing about this. We’re past that point-”
“Because you decided that. You didn’t include me-”
“Because I didn’t want you to worry!”
“Let me be the one to worry about things especially if it includes my home and future! I’m not some pathetic, feeble housewife that you need to fucking coddle-”
“Of course you’re not. I just wanted to-”
“STOP!” (Y/N) didn’t mean to shout but she swore another word from Zeke and she would have punched him in the face. “Just… Please stop talking.”
She got up and began to pace back and forth. Zeke watched her in silence. A few minutes later, (Y/N) stopped. So Zeke took this as his opportunity to talk.
“Are we good?”
(Y/N) nodded and Zeke offered his hand for her to take. Once their hands interlaced, she sat back down on the bed. Her head leaned against his shoulder and his head rested on top of hers. The couple sat in silence until (Y/N) found her voice again.
“I’m not used to this.”
“Arguing?”
“Not that. I’m used to arguing. Believe me you aren’t the first man I argued with and you won’t be the last.” (Y/N) lifted her head off his shoulder to face him. “What I meant was… I’m not used to this… Secrecy. I hate being kept in the dark on important matters. It makes me feel… Useless. And I hate that feeling. So when Hange and Levi told me about your plan, I was frustrated. I thought you, at very least, would tell me.”
“It was for your own good.” Zeke responded but he could tell (Y/N) didn’t believe him.
“My own good?” She echoed his words before shaking her head. Her next words were mumbled, but Zeke heard them loud and clear. “You and Erwin couldn’t be more different.”
Ouch. Zeke felt as though his heart was pierced by those words. The feeling of angst poured out of his heart and flowed to every vein in his body. He could feel himself getting warmer. Was it from anger? No. Jealousy? Definitely.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He countered but Zeke knew very well what she meant and how she meant it.
“Exactly what it sounds like. With Erwin, I trusted him and he trusted me. That’s how we made it work. We didn’t keep each other in the dark just to spare feelings. He included me with his plans. He wouldn’t do what you’re doing to me right now.”
Zeke opened his mouth to argue back but it was as if he forgot how to pronounce words. He knew she was going to be upset once she heard about his plans, but so much so that she would bring up Erwin?
(Y/N) wasn’t done. “Look, I didn’t mean to compare you with him but if this is how you’ll be with the secrets and hidden agendas then I can’t trust you. And without trust, our relationship won’t work. So please, I’m asking you this once: Is there anything, anything at all, that you’re hiding from me?”
Zeke knew this was his chance to come clean. He could tell his wife about the euthanization plan and how it can finally put a rest to the world’s hatred towards the Eldian race. But he couldn’t. Not now, not here. He’ll tell her the truth when the time is right. Right now, he needs (Y/N) to be on his side, not against him.
He’ll tell her one day, but today was not the day.
“I’m not hiding anything.” Zeke told her, placing his hands on her shoulders. “I don’t know how to prove it to you, but this is where you have to trust me. Because if I recall correctly, trust goes both ways. So, please, believe me. I know I’m not Erwin, but I am your husband. I promised to protect you with everything I have because I love you, (Y/N).”
She brought her hand to cup his cheek, her thumb ran across his beard. His face softened under her gentle touch.
After a moment of silence, she spoke, “Alright, Zeke. I believe you. But remember, we’re partners. You don’t have to do everything alone. You have me. So promise me,” She held her pinky finger out to him. “You’ll include me in your plans.”
Zeke wrapped his pinky with hers. “I promise and I promise I’ll do whatever I can to bring an end to this war.”
(Y/N) smiled. “Now that’s something we can agree on. Come on, let’s go eat and then you need to catch me up with every battle plan you guys have tried so far.”
As she continued to talk, Zeke felt guilt in his stomach because he knew that the promise he made with his wife was already broken. She’ll find out and once she does… She’s going to hate him all over again.
End of Flashback
“I can feel you staring.”
(Y/N)’s tired voice broke Zeke out of his memories and back to reality. He looked down and saw that her eyes were still closed but now she had a faint smile upon her lips. How long has she been awake while he was reminiscing about the past?
“I wasn’t staring.” He defended but his own smile admitted his guilt. “But if I was, it’s only because the world’s most beautiful woman is in bed with me.”
(Y/N) let out a chuckle and moved closer to his warm chest. “You don’t need to flirt. I’m already in bed with you. Not to mention, we’re married.”
“That doesn’t mean I’ll stop.” Zeke huffed. His arms snaked around her waist and pulled (Y/N) even closer. “Besides, I like flirting with you.”
The woman let out a content hum as she mindlessly tapped her finger against his chest. At least, that’s what Zeke thought she was doing. It took him a moment to realize that she was tapping Morse code. Three simple words.
Stay. Alive. Please.
He wasn’t surprised by the fact that his wife knew Morse code. Ever since entering the world outside the Walls of Paradis Island, (Y/N) has been learning whatever the world had to offer. So her learning a new language that was composed of dots and dashes? That’s his wife. She’s one of a kind.
He kissed her forehead and relished in the silence with her. If he listened closely, he could hear her heart beating with life: an assurance to him that she was still here with him, alive. He wanted her to stay that way. He can’t lose her. He couldn’t. Not to mention what Levi would do to him if something were to happen to (Y/N).
“You okay?” She asked him, her hand over his clothed chest. “Your heartbeat is racing.”
“Nervous for today.” Zeke replied truthfully. “Magath wants to make another front line trench.”
(Y/N) furrowed her brow and propped herself up. “When did he tell you that?”
“Just last night. After the meeting. Was going to tell you but you were already asleep.”
The woman huffed before hauling the covers off her body. She sat up and began to put on her uniform at a quick pace. She grabbed her boots and put them on before making her way to the small cracked mirror where she began to brush away her bed hair.
“(Y/N)?” Zeke called out, sitting up with his back against the wall.
“I wish you would have told me about this last night. I could have stayed up and come up with a plan. That idiot of a sergeant major-”
“You mean Gross?”
“Like I was saying, that idiot is trying to convince Magath to go ahead with his insane idea. And we both know his idea will only result in pointless death of so many Eldian soldiers. His hatred for Eldians shows no bounds. It’s disgusting. Did you hear that rumor about him and his father?”
“You mean the one about his late father using dogs to maul people?”
(Y/N) nodded. “Whether it's true or not, Gross is a horrible man that can’t see past his hatred. He has it out for me, too.”
“Why?”
“Colt told me a few days ago. Apparently, Gross’s father was also a sergeant major back in the day. He would be in charge of Eldian deportation, bring them to Paradis, and turn them into Titans. Colt and Falco’s uncle was part of a restorationist group… Like your fath- Grisha and your mother. The day they departed to the island was the last time Gross ever saw his father.”
While Colt was a kind and respectful young man, Zeke wished he wasn’t. Sometimes, sharing this kind of information to others was dangerous.
(Y/N) continued on. “Now every time he looks at me, he thinks I personally murdered his father. Just because I’m from Paradis.” She scoffed as if the mere thought was ridiculous. “Which is stupid. The Scouts never made it that far out to the wharf back then. But it’s not like he’ll listen to an island devil like myself. So now he takes any chance he gets to berate, disrespect, and insult me.”
Zeke stood up and wrapped his arms around her from behind. He kissed the back of her neck before nudging his cheek with hers. “If it makes you feel better, he doesn’t like me either.”
Through the cracked mirror, Zeke achieved what he wanted as his wife let out a small chuckle with a smile gracing her lips. Her hands were warm to the touch when she hugged him back.
“Yeah, well, what’s to like about a guy who can turn into a Titan that looks like a-”
“Don’t say it.” He warned her but he can already see the playful smirk on her face.
“- Like a potbelly monkey.”
Zeke pouted but he quickly replaced it with a smirk of his own. His fingers made their way to (Y/N)’s sides and began his ‘assault’ on her. (Y/N) let out a small yelp but it was soon followed by her laughter. He continued to tickle her even when she begged for him to stop.
“Zeke, please!”
“Say sorry first.”
Happy tears streamed down her cheeks. Her smile was contagious. Her laughter was infectious. Zeke wanted nothing more to preserve this memory and live in it forever. His small piece of heaven in this cruel war-torn world. He needs to cherish this. Just as he was going to stop, Zeke felt her elbow dig into his side before she turned around and placed her forearm on his chest. The back of his knees folded against their bed as she pushed him onto the once warm sheets.
“You need to keep your guard up, Zeke.” (Y/N) told him from her position, smirking a little at his stunned face. “After all, you’re sleeping with the enemy.”
Zeke laughed at those words and wrapped his arms around her once more. “I wouldn’t mind dying by your hand if it means I get to see you one last time.”
(Y/N)’s smile faltered a little at his sentiment. Zeke only had a little more of a year with Ymir’s curse still in place. She wished she could read his mind. What kind of thoughts were filling his head? Did he think about death often now that his life span had an expiration date set in stone? She swallowed her worries and fears down her throat and forced herself to focus on the present.
She leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on his lips. But Zeke could see the seriousness in her eyes. “Don’t talk like that. Death has already taken enough of my family and friends, I don’t need you to joke about it.”
Zeke was just about to argue with her. He didn’t mean it as a joke, but he stopped himself before he uttered a word. He considered her point of view, where she was coming from. He knew the losses she went through. The loss of her mother, Isabel and Furlan -her close friends from the Underground- , hundreds of Scouts, her comrades, her uncle, and finally the man that first held her heart, Erwin Smith.
She already lost the first love of her life and it destroyed her. He saw how grief-stricken she was during their initial encounter. How she tried to fight to stay by his side when Reiner tried to wrangle her into submission. Even to this day, Zeke knew his wife still thought about her first love. Erwin Smith, the man he can never measure up to be. He remembered (Y/N) told him that during her first few months in Marley. Zeke often wondered if she truly loved him, but on some days, he doubted it. He remembered seeing her love for Erwin: the way she took great care for Kaito, the fact she still held onto her Scout cape, the way she silently mourned for his death each year, and how she lit a candle on October 14th.
A selfish part of him hoped (Y/N) would move on from the commander and finally find true solace… In him. Just as how she was his solace, even if it meant she’ll lose another loved one again. Yes, it’s selfish for Zeke to even think about but when it comes to his family, he’ll be the most selfish man in the world.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered but his voice was filled with sincerity. (Y/N) knew he meant it. She closed her eyes when his fingers placed a curl of hair behind her ear. “I didn’t mean to upset you. But it’s the truth.”
Her hand gently took hold of his wrist. Underneath her fingertips, she felt his pulse that was still beating with life. Biting her lip, she whispered, “I don’t want you to die. Not now and not later.”
“Really? You might not think that in the future.”
“Maybe but right now I need you to live. Kaito needs you to live. And the only way we can do that is by ending this war. We need to go back home. The both of us.”
“Okay. Then that’s what we’ll do.” He kissed her on the lips and felt his heart expand at the sight of her smiling down at him.
“Sorry for calling you a potbelly monkey.”
“Apology accepted.”
“In my defense, you were handed the short end of the stick when you inherited the Beast Titan.” (Y/N) said as she raked her nails over his abdomen where she felt the curves and slopes of his abs. “Do you get to choose what animal you become when inheriting the Beast?”
Zeke shrugged. “Don’t think so. I think it's random. I’m just lucky that my Titan has a good throwing arm.”
“If I were to become a Beast Titan, I would like to have the option of which animal I want to become.”
“Oh, yeah?” Zeke propped his elbow with his hand holding his head. His other hand interlaced with hers. “Like what?”
(Y/N) thought about it before answering, “I think a bird, like a hawk or something.”
“A bird?” Zeke tried to hide his smile but ultimately failed when (Y/N) gave him a pointed look.
“Don’t laugh at me!” (Y/N) exclaimed but she too was smiling along with him. “At least, I could fly over my enemies and…”
Zeke noticed that she trailed off. “(Y/N)?”
He watched as the woman in his arms was silent. Her brow furrowed in contemplation. Why was she looking so deep in thought? Though, he’ll have to admit she looked so beautiful like this.
“Hey, what’s the-”
“Shh!” She placed her hand over his mouth. From his position, Zeke could see how her eyes seemed to shine. He was pretty sure, her mind was going a million miles a minute. “That’s it!”
“What?”
“The answer!” (Y/N) has a wide smile decorating her lips. “I have to talk to Magath!” She quickly scrambled her way out of bed but not before grabbing her armband and putting it on.
“Talk to Magath about what?” Zeke asked.
(Y/N) had the biggest smile on her face when she walked up to him before wrapping her hands around his waist, giving him the tightest hug ever.
“I just thought of a way to end this war.”
~
“A kinetic bombardment airstrike?” Magath placed his coffee on his desk and looked at the map before him. “Seems rather risky, don’t you think?”
“A rather stupid idea if you asked me.” Sergeant Major Gross grumbled under his breath.
The comments didn’t faze (Y/N). Instead, she stood firm and with confidence she spoke, “Any strategist will tell you that any plan will carry risks, but with this airstrike it will help minimize loss to our troops while causing maximum damage to the enemy’s fort. If we were to drop-”
“This is a waste of our time!” Gross growled as his eyes narrowed at the island devil. “We already have a plan and it’s mine. I proposed it months ago before you even got here.”
“And yet, here we are.” (Y/N) argued back, her eyes glaring in defiance at him. “There’s a reason Commander Magath didn’t choose your barbaric plan. Now, he has another option, a better option, where we won’t be sending hundreds of troops to certain death.”
“Why you insolent-”
“Gross, that’s enough. You can leave.”
The sergeant major opened his mouth to object but the glare from the commander was enough to shut him up. He turned around and was about to walk out when he gave one last glare to the woman.
“You have to excuse him.” Magath told her before gesturing to the woman to sit.
“I’d rather not.”
“Fair enough. But now, he’s gone and I would like to hear the details of your plan without further interruptions.”
~
Zeke waited anxiously outside the command post for (Y/N) to come out. She’s been in there with Magath for the past hour. He hoped for the best with each minute that passed by. (Y/N) is a smart woman and the plan she came up with was genius. He just hoped she’ll be able to convince Magath.
“Is she still in there with the commander?” Pieck’s tired voice came from his right. She was using her crutches again which made sense as she was in her Cart Titan form for two months.
Zeke offered up his seat to her. “Yeah, she’s still in there. Gross came out earlier and he looked like he wanted to kill me on the spot.”
“Ah, that’s just his usual face. He always looks like that with us Eldians.”
“True.”
“But is what he’s saying true? That (Y/N) has a plan that might put an end to the war?”
“Rumors sure spread fast around here.” Zeke commented as he leaned against the dirt wall of the trench. “But, yeah. She told me about it and I think it’s a better plan than the one Gross has.”
“I think any plan is better than the sergeant major’s. Everyone knows he’s ready to sacrifice the lives of Eldian soldiers. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wants us to die as well.”
“Well, I can’t die before my term is up. I made a promise to (Y/N) not to die early.”
“Aww, isn’t that sweet? Who knew you were such a thoughtful husband, Zeke.” Pieck joked.
“I do have my moments.”
The two Warriors continued to talk about mundane topics for the next half hour. Every once and a while, Zeke’s eyes wandered to the command post. He appreciated Pieck’s way of keeping the conversation going, but his mind was on his wife.
The movement of the curtain draped over the entrance of the command post caught his attention. (Y/N) lifted the curtain enough so he could see her face. He couldn’t tell if she had good news or bad news.
“Zeke, I need you.”
“Good luck in there.” Pieck called out.
He looked over his shoulder and gave Pieck a brief smile. He walked inside the command post to find Magath standing at the nearby map. Zeke noticed that the map looked quite different than it did yesterday. No, it was different. This must be (Y/N)’s plan. Has Magath disregarded the sergeant major’s plan completely?
Zeke cleared his throat and saluted, “Reporting for duty, Commander Magath.”
Magath looked away from the map. “At ease, Wonderboy. Your wife came up with a plan that could turn the tables into Marley’s favor. I trust she told you?”
“Yes, sir. An airstrike that will weaken the Mid-East forces significantly.”
“And do you have any other suggestions?”
Zeke furrowed his eyebrows. “Sir?”
(Y/N) came up next to him. This time, he can tell something was wrong. Her eyes lost the shine that was there a few hours ago. What happened during her talk with Magath?
“Commander Magath is all for the airstrike plan. The only problem is that the Marleyan army lacks the equipment for a bombardment. And with how large Fort Slava is, the equipment we currently have won’t do us any good if it can’t cause enough damage.”
Ah, Zeke can see where this is going. “And I don’t suppose we have the time to wait until we do have the materials?”
Magath shook his head. “No. We’ve exhausted our resources all throughout this war. Government orders are to secure the fort with what we have now. No matter the cost.”
“But, sir, if we can just-” (Y/N) began but stopped when the commander raised his hand.
“I have no more say in the matter. We were lucky to have you and the others as reinforcements. But in the eyes of the government, every day we spend here in the trenches is another day wasted in economic terms. This war is causing the nation to bleed.”
(Y/N), clearly having enough of the conversation, threw her hands in the air and sat down on a nearby chair. “Stupid government.”
Magath ignored her and looked back at Zeke. “Now that you know our predicament, what suggestions can you offer?”
“The airstrike is our best option, but if the problem is that of resources then we have to find something else to use in the bombardment. Something that we have abundance of… Something that no other nation has the power to use.”
(Y/N)’s eyes widened at the idea Zeke was trying to convey. “Zeke, you don’t mean…”
“It’s the only way.” He argued.
She shook her head. “No. Absolutely not.”
Magath didn’t know what she was talking about and he hated to be out of the loop, but it would seem the island devil has already filled in the blank. Desperate for answers, Magath asked, “Is it a way to win this war?”
“It is.”
(Y/N) frowned. “It’s wrong.”
Within the hour, a new battle strategy was made. Instead of the aerial bombardment that (Y/N) proposed, it was now altered into a Titan aerial bombardment. The Titans in question will be the Eldians that were supposed to be deported to Paradis Island, but since Marley has lost more than thirty ships they couldn’t take the risk.
“Think of it this way,” Zeke told her. “At least, their lives will serve a purpose and end this war. We can then go home. Think of it as a sacrifice.”
(Y/N) glared at him. “You don’t get to speak to me about sacrifice. This isn’t it. A sacrifice is a choice and I know for a fact they won’t have one. They’ll be forced.” She looked at Magath. “Won’t they?”
The commander frowned. While he came to respect (Y/N) over the years, there were always those moments reminding him that she came from an entirely different world than he’s used to. However, every once in a while, (Y/N) would say or do something that reminded him of their differences.
Like now, for example. Her perspective of the Eldian people and viewing them still as regular people.
Her (E/C) eyes were filled with defiance as she continued to stare at him. For a moment, it reminded him of the time when he first met the island devil. Those intelligent eyes that sometimes frightened him. He had no doubt she made a captain rank back on Paradis.
Magath took a moment to calm his nerves before speaking, “This is war, (Y/N). I’ve already sent hundreds, if not thousands, of lives to conquer that fort. And I would have sent even more if I went forward with the sergeant major’s battle plan. Now I won’t have to. If sacrificing the few means saving the rest of us then the choice is clear. We’ll begin our offense as soon as the shipment of Eldians comes across.”
“I won’t stand for this.” (Y/N) all but growled, fury behind her eyes. There was a sliver of hesitation, Magath noticed, but it disappeared just as quickly when she spoke, “Send me to the front lines.”
“WHAT?!” Zeke grabbed her shoulders and shook them. “(Y/N), that’s crazy! You might think you’re invincible, and you might be right, but this is not the time to prove it. I’m sorry, Commander Magath. She didn’t mean it-”
“Don’t speak for me!” (Y/N) argued and pushed him away. “Commander, please. Send me there.”
Magath thought for a moment before he made up his mind. “Request denied. You’re needed here with the candidates. I can’t afford to lose you. Believe it or not, you’re a symbol to the Eldians here. Since the moment you arrived, their spirits lifted. You saved the lives of countless Eldians. They know about your strength and skills. You brought them hope and if something were to happen to you that hope dies with you.”
“But if I could just-”
“The answer is no, you stubborn woman. You’re worth more alive than a corpse. We will go forward with this of yours and you will be a part of the strike.”
(Y/N) raised an eyebrow. “How so? I may be an Eldian but I can’t turn into a Titan.”
“No, but you can put that Ackerman power to use. With this,” Magath gestured her to follow. He stopped in front of the wooden crate box. The same one (Y/N) carried from the train. “Open it.”
She felt Zeke right next to her, equally curious as her. With Magath’s permission, (Y/N) lifted the lid and she could have sworn someone launched a thunder spear into her heart. Because inside the crate was the very equipment that helped her escape death several times.
Her ODM gear. From what she can tell at first glance, her precious weapon seemed to be in perfect condition. She grabbed the hand controller grips and connected a blade. A sense of familiarity washed over her when she brought the blade out of its scabbard. The blade, carefully crafted in ultrahard steel, was as beautiful as she remembered it.
“We tried to recreate this weapon, but as you said before, we couldn’t. I requested for it to be released under our custody, and since it's obvious none of us can use it…”
“Got it.” (Y/N) cuts in, already figuring out what the commander wanted her to do. “After the initial airstrike, you want me to take care of the enemies that pose a threat, especially those who are pointing cannons at us.”
“Exactly.”
She looked back in the crate and reached for the rest of the gear. The men in the room watched her tinker with the equipment, having no idea what she was checking for.
“Well, everything looks to be in order with my gear. Though, there’s only half a tank of fuel left, but it should be enough to get the job done.”
“Good. Prepare yourselves. It shouldn’t take long until we attack. I need to inform the others of this plan. Zeke, you stay here. (Y/N), send Braun, Galliard, and Finger in. Then make yourself useful elsewhere. Take the candidates with you. You’re dismissed.”
(Y/N) saluted and left the bunker, not sparing Zeke another glance.
Finally, after what felt like hours inside, (Y/N) breathed in the fresh air that was mixed with gunpowder and the light scent of human decay. Above her, the sun was now in its afternoon position, continuously shining down its constant rays. The clear blue sky held no clouds, leaving no shade to anyone. With a matter of minutes, (Y/N) could feel herself sweat. But it didn’t matter to her. The heat from the sun was nothing to the angry flames inside her.
“Shit.” Her eyes never left the endless sky. While there’s no cloud in sight, she knew it was only a matter of time for Pure Titans to raid down on the earth. All thanks to her. “Fuck, I didn’t mean for this to happen… Erwin, what would you have done?”
Of course, as expected, there was no answer but she hoped he was still watching over her. (Y/N) wondered what he thought of her at this moment. Already, the amount of guilt weighed upon her shoulders. Soon, several Eldian lives will be used as weapons in a war they never signed up to fight. Men, women, children… Fuck. Will there be children involved in the attack she came up with?
She didn’t want that to happen. She didn’t mean to involve innocent Eldians who have nothing to do with this war. But what other choice did they have to end this war?
“I wish you were here, Erwin.”
~
Later in the Evening
“(Y/N)! There you are!”
Pieck’s voice drew her attention away from Gabi’s retelling of a childhood story. It was her idea. Gabi, Falco, Zofia, and Udo were still impressionable children and while they’re surrounded by war, (Y/N) suggested for her students to share stories about themselves. Anything to get their minds off the misery that surrounds them. Now it was cut short with the Cart Titan shifter coming their way. The rest of the titan shifters followed her.
“Hey. How was the meeting?” She asked them as she scooted some space for Zeke to sit next to her.
“Magath told us your idea.” Porco grumbled while taking a bite of his stale piece of bread. “A Titan airstrike? Where in the hell do you come up with that idea?”
“Thought of it this morning.” (Y/N) answered, her fingers drummed against the table. “It was supposed to be a bombardment, believe it or not.”
“It’s still a good idea.” Zeke told her, his arm slung over her shoulder. “Better than Gross’s idea.”
“I guess,” Porco huffed. “Reiner said you would be the one to figure out a plan. Guess you’re the real deal.”
“(Y/N) was a captain back on the island. She saved lives with that mind of hers.” Reiner spoke on her behalf. “Now she’ll do the same for us. Right, Cap- Er (Y/N)?”
“I’ll do my best.”
Pieck offered her a smile. “Hey, you won’t be alone. You have us to help you. Everything will work out.”
(Y/N) smiled at her. Despite their initial mistrust with each other, she knew that Pieck was telling the truth. She could tell that the Titan Shifter hated this war just as much as she did. “Thanks, Pieck.”
“Even if this plan of yours does work,” Porco interjected. “A lot of Eldians will die. They won’t even have the decency to remember their loved ones once they transform into monsters.”
The air was filled with tension and everyone could sense it. The candidates waited for their teacher to snap. Reiner elbowed Porco in the ribs the same time Pieck did. Zeke glared at him before looking back at (Y/N).
“Don’t listen to him.”
“Why not? He’s telling the truth. People are going to die.” (Y/N) said tiredly. She shook her head before standing up. “Excuse me.”
“(Y/N), wait!”
Zeke quickly left his seat to follow her but not before he gave his fellow comrade a piece of his mind. “If you have a problem with my wife’s plan, then take it up with me. I was the one who suggested using Titans, not her. She already feels guilty enough without you reminding her.”
~
Zeke found (Y/N) leaning against a wooden crate. She had her arms crossed over her chest. Her face pensive as she stared at the night sky. He stood next to her but didn’t speak. He knows that she will voice her worries when she’s ready and he’ll be there to listen.
After a while, (Y/N) spoke, “He’s right, you know. My plan will cause people to die.”
“It will also save lives. And this isn’t all on you. I was the one suggesting we use Titans.”
She turned to face him. “Well, it’s too late to take back your words. Magath is already making the preparations. Even as we speak, thirty to forty people are being shipped out to become weapons. And I know I sound ridiculous but-”
“You don’t.” Zeke interrupted. His hands cupped her face and gazed into her eyes. “I know this is difficult for you but this is something we have to do. If it wasn’t for you, hundreds of Eldians will die in a pointless suicide charge and that’s exactly what Gross wants.”
“I’m no different. He’s-”
“Nothing like you.” His words were firm and sincere. “You know how?”
“How?”
“Because you care.”
(Y/N) was taken aback at this but Zeke’s words gave her the comfort she needed to hear. Her stiff shoulders relaxed as if the burden was lifted by a tiny fraction.
Zeke continued, “You’re a good person. I know it, they know it, and your students know it. We all know you’ll do everything to protect those you care about. Reiner and those kids can attest to that.”
“But what if… This plan brings more harm than good?” (Y/N) whispered. “Will you still look at me the same way you do now?”
“(Y/N), I love you. You’ve always tried to find a solution with that beautiful mind of yours, but there are times when you can be blind.”
“If this is your idea of cheering me up-”
“Let me finish,” Zeke kissed her temple and held back a chuckle at her annoyed expression. “What I meant was that you need to start looking at the big picture. Humor me on this, okay? What will happen if this plan works?”
The furrow of her brow vanished when she considered the possibility. “The war will end.”
“And then what? What happens after that?”
“We… We get to go home.” (Y/N) swallowed the white hot lump that was lodged in her throat for the majority of the day. “The war will be over and we get to go back home.”
“And who’s waiting for us back home?”
Zeke saw the flash of realization in (Y/N)’s eyes. Her hand wrapped around his wrist when she spoke, “Our family.”
“Exactly.”
He slipped his hand into his uniform and grabbed the photograph from his pocket. (Y/N) let out a soft gasp when she saw her son’s face on film. Her heart swelled with longing. Right now, he’s growing up without either parent by his side. Zeke placed the photo in her hands and she brought it close to her chest. The initial feeling of grief was soon replaced by a deep ache in seeing her only child again.
Zeke continued, “The sooner we end this, the sooner we go back home to our families.” He pulled her in for a hug. He felt her arms wrap around his waist. “Pretty soon, we’ll have our son in your arms.”
“... Thank you, Zeke. I feel better now. I just have to remember who I’m really fighting for.”
“I’m here for you, (Y/N). For better or worse. Because no matter what happens, I’ll have your back.”
“And I’ll have yours.”