Levi Ackerman x Fem!reader, Erwin Smith xFem!Reader
In which you are the girlfriend of the late Erwin Smith. Levi has loved you for years, but has never had the courage to tell you, until now…
Slow burn/eventual love story. Heavy angst, spoilers for season three and four. Fluff, mentions of injury/blood. Depictions of violence and foul language. Might be some time line inconsistencies. One sided love/kinda love triangle. Will be multiple parts.
Erwin Smith, the commander of the Survey Corps, was dead. The man who would have been your husband, was dead. This last expedition was his very last, and part of you knew it would be. Part of you knew that no matter how much you fought against this enemy, one of you was going to end up dead. You had always thought it was going to be you, not him.
Levi Ackerman, humanity’s strongest soldier, the man that let Erwin Smith die, was the man who made the hardest decision that day in Shiganshina. Letting his commander and best friend live, or a young cadet with a bright future. That choice still plagues him, and he sometimes finds himself wondering what the world would be life if he had chosen any differently. Levi Ackerman’s choice affected everyone, especially you, the woman he so desperately loves. The woman he has loved since he met her all those years ago when he first joined the scouts.
Years Ago…
“Hey L/n, ya hear about the new cadets from the underground.” Hange asked as you both walked through the empty barracks.
“Yeah, I wonder why Erwin would allow that.” You questioned out loud. “Must’ve had a good reason though.” You added, hoping to get a chance to see those new cadets in action.
“Yeah, you would agree with anything Erwin has to say though, dontcha.” Hange joked, nudging your shoulder.
“N-no! Not everything!” You defended, feeling a familiar heat on your cheeks.
“Whatever, all I’m saying is why haven’t you guys made anything official.” They replied with a shrug.
“It’s…complicated.” You sighed
“What’s complicated about it?” Hange pushed.
“Erwin is the complication. He’s so perfect at everything he does…except his feelings.” You replied, stopping to look at Hange. “Our lives are so different from normal people.” You explained, feeling your heart clench at your unfortunate reality.
“I get that.” Hange replied. “But I still think you both deserve to be happy, even though this world is absolute shit.” They spoke, a spark of enthusiasm in their eyes.
“Yeah, I feel the same. But I don’t really know how Erwin feels about all of that.” You whispered.
“After all those new cadets have settled in, I really think you should tell Erwin all of this.” Hange suggested as the two of you began your walk once more.
“You know, I think I will.” You smiled as you and Hange continued to your destination.
The Next Week…
Levi knew he would kill this self righteous prick one way or the other. Order or not, this man was going to die and he would be the one to do it. Erwin Smith had dragged him and his friends from the underground staying that their unique set of skills would be “beneficial” for humanity. They would serve the military or face serious jail time, and Levi knew he couldn’t let his friends go through something like that.
So far, the rest survey corps weren’t all that bad. Most of them kept to themselves or tried to strike up some simple conversation with them. It was mostly Farlan who would respond as Levi didn’t feel much like talking and Isobel didn’t whatever Levi did.
The three of them were scheduled to meet with with Erwin to discuss their roles in the upcoming expedition. Levi led the way, making sure to look out for any signs of trouble. As they made their way into the semi-spacious room, Levi immediately took notice of a familiar, irritating face, but was surprised to see someone he hadn’t seen around yet.
“I understand how you feel, I really do, but I think you and I need to face the facts-“ Erwin spoke to the woman next to him on the forest green colored couch. “Ah, Levi, Isobel, Farlan.” Erwin nodded announcing their arrival.
“Smith.” Levi spat, ignoring the strange conversation Erwin was having with the woman whose face he still hadn’t seen.
“This is Y/n L/n, my second in command and important member of my squad.” Erwin spoke, your face now fully pointed towards Levi and his friends.
Levi took a sharp inhale at your gaze on his. You were…lovely. Your e/c eyes were slightly red as though you were on the verge of crying. Though, your face seemed neutral and professional, like you had been conditioned to mask your true emotions. It made him think about himself and the shitty things he had gone through during his time in the Underground. You weren’t wearing your jacket as it was placed on the back of the couch, giving him the impression that you were not here on official duty.
“Good to finally meet you three!” You smiled, though it didn’t reach your eyes, the ones Levi couldn’t help by stare into.
“Nice to meet you.” Isobel spoke, trying her best to look as confident as she could.
“Greetings.” Farlan beamed, finding you pretty.
Levi still didn’t say a word, even when you greeted him for the second time. He was too captivated by your eyes and how they seemed to tell exactly how you were feeling. He felt foolish for feeling this way about a woman he hadn’t even spoken a single word to, but he couldn’t help but feel bad for you even though he knew next to nothings about you.
“Charming as ever, aren’t we Levi.” Erwin’s deep voice spoke out as he stood from his spot.
“Eat shit, Smith.” Levi spat, momentarily taking his eyes off yours and looking at the man in front of him with pure rage in his heart.
“No can do, I’m afraid.” Erwin joked, giving you a sideways glance. “Do you wish to stay for the debriefing?” Erwin asked, as you snapped your head towards him. Levi immediately noticed the way Erwin’s eyes softened as he looked at you.
“No, I don’t think I’m going to be much help at the moment.” You replied, your voice flat.
“As you wish.” Erwin sighed, scratching the back of this neck.
You nodded to the three as you began to leave, taking in the man called Levi, the most. He was short for a man, but you simply thought that maybe he hadn’t received the best nourishment as a child. Especially given where he came from. As much as your heart hurt for his situation, you couldn’t help but pity your own, as you took Hange’s advice and talked to Erwin. Unfortunately for you, it went exactly as you thought it would: badly.
“You his girlfriend or something?” Levi asked, shocking everyone in the room, including himself, at the strange question. However, you simply stared at him before narrowing your eyes to Erwin.
“Or something.” You stated, agitation lacing your tone, making Erwin frown.
You stared at Erwin for a moment, eyes narrowed, before looking back at Levi. You couldn’t help but stare into those intense grey eyes of his. The stories they told, and the horrors they saw made you shiver slightly. However, you knew that he’d never seen one of those filthy creatures outside the walls. And despite the freedom the outside gave, you wish you could’ve told Erwin to lay off these poor souls. But despite your anger, you knew there was a valid reason for their being here, and you were excited to see it. So, with one more nod, you left, among your way to the stables to check on the status of your horse.
———
“We’ll that was boring as hell!” Isobel yawned, walking in between Levi and Farlan.
“You said it! The only thing that made it a bit interesting was seeing that pretty girl, eh Levi!” Farlan joked, nudging Levi on his shoulder.
“Oh yeah! What was up with that!” Isobel chirped
“Must be his girlfriend.” Farlan suggested.
“She isn’t.” Levi muttered, making the other two raise their eyebrows in confusion.
“How do you know?” Farlan asked, genuinely confused.
“She said she wasn’t.” Levi spoke
“Nah! They are totally a thing!” Isobel disagreed
“No way in hell would a woman like that be with a piece of shit like Smith.” Levi spat, glaring at the sky.
“Woah, whoah dude, chill out. Why do you care so much!” Farlan asked
“If Erwin has a someone in his life like that, it will be so much harder to kill him.” Isobel spoke before Levi could.
“I guess that’s true, and she is his second in command, after all. Guess we are going to have to find a way to separate them when the time comes.” Farlan suggested.
“That’s the tricky part, but we still have time to come up with a viable solution.” Levi sighed, not wanting to involve you in this at all.
———
As you made your way back to your room you can up with the realization that your conversation was a complete waste of time. You felt as though you should’ve known what Erwin would say. It wasn’t surprising in the least, that he dismissed your question entirely, asking if you both could speak after the next expedition. However, the last time you tried to ask him something similar, he had said the exact same thing.
Sighing, you fell straight onto your freshly cleaned bed. You breathed in the familiar floral scent that you had hand selected, and tried not to cry. You desperately loved Erwin Smith, and he had told you that he loved you too. But, that didn’t change that he was the absolute worst when it came to fully expressing how he felt. It was incredibly frustrating to love a man like that, but you simply couldn’t help who your heart yearned for.
“Fuck this!” You whined, getting up.
You decided that the best course of action was to simply clean. Truthfully, you had no reason to, as your room was spotless as usual. But you needed to clear your head and this was one of the main ways you could. So, picking out your items you got to work. After some time, you found yourself pushing your problems with Erwin aside, and instead your mind was fixed on the raven haired man and his intense grey eyes.
Little did you know, that he too, has his thoughts strangely fixed on you…
Thank you so much for reading!💜 Stay Tuned for part 2!
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•I do NOT own any characters except y/n and any original characters•
so i went to a remote area this weekend for a field work and i cant help but imagine erwin during the ride... like in an interview he said that if given the chance, he would like to live in a remote cabin, right?
LIVING IN THE CABINS OF TROST
ERWIN SMITH X GENDER NEUTRAL READER
TAGS: post-canon, erwin lives agenda, fluff, age-gap (lol rie tell us what we don't know!), love confessions, basically jus wholesome stuff
WORDS: 2k
Trost District’s advanced practice had saved their economy from titan invasion years ago, but sadly not every district in Paradis would like to apply it in consideration to the nobilities. In principle, you’d like to have it implemented in the rest of the island whose pride has long belonged in its rich agricultural resources. To know the bounties of Trost to the fullest, you’ll have to live with them for a month!
Lo and behold, you’ll come across the Erwin Smith as one of the residents. You see, he doesn’t talk much to people, let alone from outsiders, but the villagers love him because of his kindness and intelligence; they’re confident that if there’s someone who could help you the most, it’ll be no other than this man. And, strangely so, Erwin welcomed you with open arms the moment he knew of your research.
He doesn’t want the residents to treat you as an inconvenience so as soon as he learns your university isn’t funding student researchers—which makes you lack the resources to rent a dorm in Trost—he gladly opens the spare room he had built inside his cabin at your disposal.
However, amidst the neat and swift arrangement, you can’t help but be bothered because not only is he so kind for reasons you’re yet to unveil, but you are to live with him! A very handsome middle-aged man who is unreasonably single, especially in a period where people as young as sixteen are already bearing children!
Maybe the sheer change the Paradis had become since the walls collapsed has something to do with it?
However, it isn’t long until you’ve learned that he is none but the very commander who had contributed the most for the freedom of Paradis. He suddenly blurts out over breakfast that he was the 13th Commander back in his prime. The 13th commander of the Scout Regiment. You took history classes really well so you know what the 13th commander has done; it’s just that you never remembered his name because as far as you are concerned, the former commander opted not to publish his name in books and told the historians to ensure every contribution of his comrades would be noted instead. Your teachers spoke of him so highly–indeed, an amalgamation of what a real leader must be.
The way you started shaking over the coffee and bread Erwin had prepared made him panic, “Oh no, was the coffee too strong for your liking? I'm so sorry.”
And when you eventually cry and utter praises and gratitude for serving the country well, he starts laughing—boisterously so. That was sure a laugh he had never done during his prime.
He then pats your head, “Well, our efforts have never gone to waste because of smart students like you, no?”
To integrate more with the Trost community, Erwin fetches you to other neighbors using his old car every morning (he bought it for a discounted price at an auction—scratch that, the merchant almost gave it to him because he was a huge fan. Had Erwin been a boastful bastard, he wouldn’t even bother paying for it). He says the ride to another farm takes around half an hour, so you two take your time talking about a lot of things. He turns gloomy whenever the topic of being a commander is talked upon, so you’re always sure to stay with the menial—his favorite areas on his lawn, the things he’d like to do in the future to make his little paradise even better to live in, and more.
Oh, how badly you yearn for a life like his.
And when late afternoon comes, Erwin would pick you up from the neighborhood so you can accompany him to the wet market approximately an hour away. Erwin usually takes this chance to talk to the merchants because he supplies them his harvest at a low price for extra income (what a strategic and simple man he is!) then you two would restock condiments and other needs in the house that his small farm couldn’t provide. The life Erwin has is surely tiring for you who’s basically raised in a highly urbanized area, but that doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy it especially with his company.
One of the best things he has ever shown you is the tiny river surrounded by giant trees where he takes a bath. The scenery makes you feel like some sort of deity in an urban legend; sun would peak behind the leaves and onto the water, then the water would bounce back its light towards your glimmering eyes—full of adoration at god’s creation. The river is quite cold and sometimes the breeze these trees exude freezes your skin, yet it feels so fresh, so pleasing to look at, and you wouldn’t mind if you’re not accustomed to taking a bath in an open area. No reason to be scared, too, as the singing birds and cicadas keep you company. Not far from here, you could also hear Erwin’s daily wood chopping. Of course, he’s just there, ready to rescue you if you slip on the rocks or some intruder tries to come at you.
One of the best tasks he had entrusted you with (which you asserted to be tasked because you couldn’t fathom not paying him rent) is plucking ripe fruits from his farm. In your hometown, every need comes with money, but here, one could survive with just the gifts of land ripened by their hard work.
“It makes your research more valuable, doesn’t it?” Erwin affirms. “Imagine every citizen in Paradis being able to live a life not based on money once the government appreciates agrarian reforms more, given how rich our country is with natural resources.”
The distance you had with him as he intricately teaches you how to cut fruit from its stem, his appreciation for your principles (which students from the urban area often laugh about), and the way his hands brush against yours while he’s correcting your posture because the way of cutting needs to be precise so the stem could still be capable of bearing another fruit—it all fills your heart with sheer warmth. When night comes and you’re alone in your room, you finally deduce what you feel for him—it’s not just mentorship that you want, or his kindness, or even his farm.
You want him as he is. You want to give back all the help he has given you by loving him with all your heart.
As the research is about to end, you realize that you soon will be bidding him farewell to go back to your hometown, to live a boring university life, to take a bath in the constricted bathroom of your dormitory, and to worry about filling money up your sleeves so you could eat instead of just plucking out leaves and straight up cooking it. It fills your heart with sorrow; you hope you can just stay with him.
On one of your final days in Erwin’s house, you wake up with rain so strong tip taps of water can be heard from the roof towards the wooden floor. Erwin knocks and asks if he could fix it as you eat breakfast but as soon as you open the door for him, you start crying.
“I'm sorry, it happens a lot during rainy days. I should've warned you.” Perhaps he’s thinking that an urban girl like you would deem living in this wooden cabin overwhelming, but it’s rather far from it. “I’m thinking of replacing the roof with cement instead of mere iron strips, but I can only do that when summer comes. you might not be here anymore by that time, though.”
“Can I just live here for good? I don’t want to go,” you wail, the attachment and adoration you have for this new friend flowing through your tears. “I want to live here for good!”
“Because you want to witness the renovation of my roof…?”
“No!”
Erwin is surprised at your sudden rise in tone, but eventually he smiles—he smiles despite not understanding it all, “I’ll consider, but only after you let me fix the hole in your room.”
It took you five minutes of wailing (and Erwin’s gentle taps on your shoulder) before you stepped away from the door and let him in, with which he whispered a small praise, “Good girl. Now come on, eat your breakfast and drink your coffee. We’ll talk after I'm done here.”
His voice sounded so warm, deep, and gentle in that particular remark.
You manage to do what he asked of you, albeit with little hiccups. To be honest, had Erwin lacked the academic knowledge to help you finish your research, your stay in his home would’ve lasted longer. but he’s such a smart man—even on par with your actual research professor—that it even makes you wonder if his parents were formerly part of the academy, too.
When Erwin learns of that fact, he laughs in guilt, “I'm sorry! I admit I got too caught up with your research. You should’ve shooed me away when I got too invasive! Is that why you were crying?”
“No! It’s because I want to stay with you longer!” you cry, albeit impulsively, because you are drenched in cold water as soon as you see Erwin’s surprised face.
Nonetheless, he’s able to compose himself, “Seems like you loved living in Trost, hm? It’s okay, you could visit us here even after your research is—”
“I meant you! I want to stay with you specifically!”
Oh god, did bathing in the river give you a bravado as strong as Erwin’s? You’re not usually this blunt.
“Why, if it’s fine to ask?” Erwin starts, his face more serious this time around, albeit there’s a tinge of expression you couldn’t quite decipher.
You wouldn’t be able to take this back. You wouldn’t be able to take this back. You wouldn’t be able to take this ba— “Because I like you!”
You wouldn’t be able to take that back!
“Oh god,” you covered your face in embarrassment. “I-I’ll be back! I’m sorry!” then you stand up from your seat and hurry towards the door.
You run to the secluded river to wash your face from embarrassment (or perhaps drown in it for good), but after a throaty scream of shame, you notice a presence behind you.
“E-Erwin!” you screech in surprise. “I told you I’ll be back soon!”
“Repeat what you just said.”
“The what?”
“What you said before running off. Repeat it.”
“Are you angry?” you weakly mutter.
“What? No! I mean—” the unusual stuttering made Erwin chuckle in defeat. “Please, I just want to hear it again.”
His soft eyes on the ground, one you couldn’t quite decipher earlier, is much more understandable now. It gave you more courage to admit more, “I said I like you.”
“As a host or…?”
The question almost ruins the mood, and yet you think that’s the most adorable Erwin has been since you’ve known him. All this time you thought of him as someone who knew everything astutely.
“What do you mean ‘as a host?’ I know we have a bit of a generational gap but I’m certain what I said was clear enough!”
He walks closer until you’re centimeters apart, eventually he smiles in realization. Then he cups your cheeks and says, “Finish your research and come back here. you’ll hear my answer by then.”
“Huh?” you scorn, “Why don’t you answer now while I’m still—”
A kiss on your forehead cuts you off. It lasts for ten seconds or so—you know because you started counting it out of fluster. While on it, he rubs his thumb on your cheeks in circular motions. The sensations render you in a haze. As soon as he withdraws, you bury your head on his chest, taking his scent in even though you don’t understand what’s happening.
“What I could offer to you is nothing in comparison to the life ahead of you in Stohess. Do what you must there—submit your research, advocate for your principles until your voice reaches more people, and if by then you still can’t stop thinking of me, by all means, stay by my side for good.”
“How can I be sure that you’re not married the moment I come back?!”
He chuckles, then places your hand on his chest. His forehead bumps on yours, a knowing smile plastered on his lips, and his eyes reeking of adoration. “Because my heart has been yours the moment you set your foot here.”
p lease i encourage everyone to continue this fic for me because as much as i love the prompt i donT HAVE THE TIME TO TURN IT INTO AN ACTUAL THING 😭😭😭 PLEASEDKDKSED
also here's a majestic fan art of idrawr16yt that helped me visualize what a retired-commander-living-in-the-countryside erwin smith would look like
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Part One | Part Three | Masterlist | Blog Home | Aot Masterlist
Summary : Reiner was always taught that the devils of Paradis were vicious creatures, but what is he supposed to do when he soon finds himself reluctantly falling for one? Or when he is forced to go back to Marley and leave her altogether?
Word count : around 5, 200 words
Warnings : Again, very angsty. Reiner feels guilty about what he’s done, reader is angry with him. Crying, mentions of heartbreak. Spoilers for season 4 part one.
Author’s notes : reblogs are appreciated!! I appreciate all feedback on my writing so that I can know what you guys liked and what you think I should improve on😊
Disclaimer : this is a work of fiction and should in no way, shape, or form, be taken seriously.
Side Note : this fic, and everything else I’ve written on my blog, is mine and only mine. I work very hard on everything I write so do not, under any circumstances, modify, copy, or steal my work.
❗️Important Note❗️
There will in fact be a part three! While I was writing part two, it ended up becoming so long that I just decided to split it up. That’s why this chapter leaves off on a cliffhanger (and that’s also why it took me so long to post this one). But I thank you all for your patience. If anyone else wants to be tagged for part three then let me know in the comments! :)))
“Can I please ask where exactly we’re going?” Reiner questioned, his voice lacing with a hint of annoyance as Falco gripped his arm, anxiously pulling him towards the city’s back alleys.
“I told you it’s a surprise! A friend of yours wants to say hi before the show starts!” Falco explained, glancing backward at his superior with a cheerful smile as he continued to pull him in the opposite direction.
“Is that right?” Reiner spoke sarcastically, scoffing quietly to himself as he took in the boy’s words.
What was Falco really up to?
Surely the whole “a friend wants to say hi” explanation was made up; because Reiner Braun wasn’t exactly a man you would think of as having friends.
Sure, he was surrounded by people a lot of the time, and he even had allies with whom he got along pretty well with. But even so, Reiner knew he was nothing more than a comrade to them; nothing more than a vessel to wield the armored titan.
But that was okay, because they were nothing more than comrades to him.
With being born Eldian as well as being a warrior for Marley’s military force, Reiner Braun didn’t exactly have the time, luxury, or frankly, the mental strength to seek out any social interactions beyond strictly work-related ones.
Well, at least, not anymore.
He made that mistake once, and in doing so, it cost him the demolition of a poor woman’s heart; as well as his own.
In fear that opening up to another person again might cause that beating vessel in his chest to truly see itself past repair, Reiner Braun had decided to close himself off from others, refusing to repeat those tragic events of his past.
So, with that in mind, who exactly was this “person” that Falco was happily dragging him by the arm to see?
It couldn’t have been anyone he was genuinely close with; there wasn’t anyone like that for him, not anymore at least. Any authentic connections he once had with people were now severed, collapsed by the calamity he caused back on that forsaken island.
So who on earth was he being forced to see?
“It’s just in here!” Falco said excitedly, his finger pointing toward a wooden door as they rounded the corner; one that lead to a basement stationed under an older apartment complex.
From the outside, the place looked dim and run down, its location secluded to a quiet and unfrequented street.
The very sight had Reiner scratching his head in confusion. Of all places, why here? Why pick such an isolated area to meet with him? Not only that, but why would this person send a naive little boy to escort him to this place instead of just contacting Reiner directly?
Was this a trap he was walking into?
Should he leave?
Like a flame set to brush, panic began spreading through Reiner’s veins. His free hand was gripped into a strained fist and his eyes darted in all directions, watching out for any surprise attacks.
If this really was a trap, if someone was anticipating charging at him, then he’d be ready for it.
Suddenly, the wooden door opened. Loud groans from the beat-down hinges filled the air, followed by the sound of footsteps; footsteps that belonged to a dark, hooded figure.
Reiner’s eyes widened at the scene before him, an eerie feeling twisting in his stomach as he watched the mysterious person walk out the door; heading in his direction.
Whoever it was, he thought about fighting them off, even going as far as raising both his hands in the air to assume a defensive stance.
However, that’s when he caught a glimpse of Falco next to him. The little boy had started to head towards the figure, almost as if he was acquainted with the human; if it even was human.
“Falco wait!” Reiner quickly followed in the boy’s footsteps, gripping his arm before he could walk any closer to the person. “We should leave.” He suggested, anxiously tugging on the boy’s limb in hopes to urge him back in the opposite direction.
“It’s okay Mr. Braun,” Falco smiled, quick to reassure his superior. “This is where he said to meet him.”
Who’s he? Was it that person lurking around with the cloak draped across their face? Or was there someone inside as well?
Reiner didn’t have any answers, nor did he have a definite resolve on how to react in this situation. Should he trust Falco’s judgment and allow this “meetup” to happen? Or should he grab the boy and run while he still had the chance?
The latter seemed like the best option, especially considering the fact that Falco was just a child, and therefore could’ve easily been manipulated into something dangerous.
He wanted to trust Falco’s words, but it was too risky. If something happened, the boy’s blood would be on Reiner’s hands; and he couldn’t bear the weight of any more sorrow, or any more guilt.
“We’re leaving, Falco!” Reiner insisted, readjusting his grip on the boy’s arm to forcefully pull him away from the situation.
Although, just as he’d turned around to take those first few steps, he heard something that made his body freeze, and his heart clench.
“If you’re done arguing you can go on ahead. He’s waiting for you inside.”
That voice. Reiner knew that voice.
It was the same one he used to hear nagging at him to wake up in the early mornings. The same voice that used to comfort him whenever he was feeling disheartened.
It was… the same voice he never thought he’d have the pleasure of hearing ever again…
All he received was one simple sentence, but that was all the verification he needed. There was no doubt in his mind, the voice he heard: belonged to you.
“Y/n?!” His body immediately turned around to face the hooded figure. His eyes then squinted, trying to see more than just the gentle silhouette of a pair of lips and a jawline that was exposed by the moonlight’s glow.
The figure froze at his words, saying nothing in response; almost as if they didn’t anticipate being recognized.
“Y/n, is that you?” Reiner asked again, hoping to earn a response this time.
However, there was none; at least, not a verbal one.
All he gained was a sudden flinch that occurred once he spoke that name a second time, followed by the subtle shaking of fingertips that poked out from the sleeves of the cloak.
You must’ve been scared, embarrassed; perhaps even both.
And who would blame you for it? The last time you saw him he had slaughtered more than half of your comrades. Who knows what he’s capable of now after four years have passed?
“Falco?” Reiner finally broke the silence, glancing down at the boy he was still holding on to. “Why don’t you go on inside, I’ll be with you in a minute.”
However, before the boy could open his mouth to speak, he was quickly interrupted. “There’s no reason for him to leave! I’m not staying to chat.” A stern voice echoed past the cloak covering your face, but that didn’t phase Reiner.
He knew it was you from the moment that first syllable left your lips, even more so now that you’d spoken a second time.
Your tone was serious, added with a hint of aggression in order to scare him off, but he wouldn’t be turned away by that. Not when this was the chance he’d been silently praying for ever since he left that island four years ago. The chance to finally see you once again, even for just a moment.
Now that this chance was finally here, standing in front of him, there was no way he’d let it slip away; regardless of the tone you used with him.
“Just a few minutes?!” He insisted, taking a few steps forward in case you were preparing to run away. “Please?” He asked in a much quieter tone, his eyes practically begging for you to give in, to grant him even the smallest portion of your time.
Even after all these years he still knew how to persuade you, didn’t he? He must’ve, otherwise, your mouth would’ve never opened to let out a frustrated “Five minutes and that’s it!”
Reiner’s shoulders quickly relaxed at your words. His head then turned towards Falco subsequently, giving him a quick nod of his head: which apparently was his signal to “get going.”
Falco’s gaze switched between Reiner and the person he was apparently dying to speak to. The boy was unsure of what was going on, or who that unidentified person even was, but nevertheless, Falco knew better than to argue with his superior; so he’d comply with the orders given to him.
“S-sure…I’ll just, be inside then…” Falco spoke hesitantly, slowly backing away to walk toward the wooden door. He stopped momentarily after placing his fingers on the handle, almost as if he was waiting for Reiner to change his mind. But after receiving no signs of a change of heart, Falco reluctantly opened the door and stepped inside; closing it behind him.
The moment that wooden door shut, an unpleasant silence filled the air. Instead of partaking in the “conversation” you were supposed to have, the two of you just stood in silence.
You didn’t dare speak up. Reiner was the one who made you stay after all, if anyone should be the first to start this conversation it was him.
Your eyes were fixated on him with a calloused glare, your lips refusing to part even the slightest bit.
Reiner on the other hand, wore an expression more timid and anxious than yours.
He shifted uncomfortably on his feet, fingers fidgeting with each other as he contemplated the best way to start this conversation.
“I uh…” He tried to speak, but the words fumbled in his mouth, leaving just as quickly as they came.
It’s ironic, just a moment ago he was begging for you to stay so that he could have the chance to talk to you, but now that his chance had finally arrived, he couldn’t think of anything to say.
As he stood there, overanalyzing a potential response, he noticed the way you scoffed, clearly annoyed at his delay in response.
You were growing impatient with him, and if he didn’t take the opportunity to speak with you now, you’d most likely never allow him another chance to waste your time again.
So, after what had seemed like hours of silence, when in reality was more like 1 minute, Reiner finally spoke up.
“Can you take off the hood?”
Your eyes quickly narrowed in confusion at his odd request. Out of everything he could’ve asked, everything he could’ve apologized for, this is the first thing he says?
“Why?” You questioned, still unsure of his intentions on the matter.
“I just…” He began, but his words quickly started to fade out, almost as if he felt unworthy to be asking in the first place.
Nevertheless, you were persistent.
“You just what?!” You snapped, frustrated at his apparent dedication to withhold information from you; a recurring dedication at that.
“I just…” he inhaled shakily before speaking, “I want to see your face.”
You paused at his words, taking a moment to process what he’d just said. After expecting something pitiful, or perhaps even bitter coming from him, it was quite a shock to receive this: a fairly tender request.
He wanted to see your face? Why? What difference would that make?
It’d be the same one he saw four years ago, nothing’s changed; at least, not to you.
Despite asking for something which would require him to look upwards, Reiner kept his eyes glued to the ground, as if he felt undeserving to see you again. It wasn’t until he heard the heavy sigh that jerked past your lips, along with the quiet “fine” you gave in response to his request that made him finally look up.
As his gaze lifted, watching you pull that gloomy hood off your head, Reiner was met with a flashback of memories.
It all reappeared in an instant: the sound of your adorable laugh, the way your hair looked when the sun glistened across it, even the small little habits he’d discovered about you as time went by; they were all coming back, recollecting in his mind clearer than if it all happened a day ago.
Reminding him, painfully, of a time when things were simpler, when he was happier, and, most regretfully, a time when he had you.
Pulling off that hood allowed him to finally lay eyes upon a face he hadn’t seen in ages. A face he used to watch soundly sleeping next to him at night, placing gentle kisses all over when no one was around.
It was the same face he used to stare at in fascination; taken back by the beautiful way your lips would curve upwards into a smile, or even the way your eyes radiated the most alluring shade of color when the sun shone across your skin.
That face was one he had desperately longed to observe once more for the entirety of four long years, and coincidentally, it was the same face that now stared him down with an irritated glare.
Absent was the sparkle your eyes once held for the man standing before you, and gone was the loving countenance you were never hesitant to grant him.
Now your face lay still, your features refusing to move even the smallest bit in case it were to form some sort of pleasant expression towards him accidentally.
Who was this woman?
If not for the fact that he had easily identified her face, Reiner wouldn’t have recognized her.
Where was the kind and loving woman he fell in love with? Was she not the one standing before him now?
No, this woman was different. This one seemed to hold an inkling of abhorrence towards him, easily provoked by just his presence alone.
Was this… the product of his own making?
Was this… what he’d turned you into?
As if he wasn’t tormented enough by his decision, now he was witnessing the consequences of his actions unfold before his very eyes.
“How.. how are you here?” Reiner stuttered, still in shock over the fact that you were actually standing there; that for whatever reason, his prayers to see you again had finally been answered.
“I’m only here in service of a friend; nothing else.”
Your response was so vague, so cold; nothing like the endearing way you used to speak to him.
“Which friend?”
“It doesn’t matter,” You replied forbiddingly. Your tone sounded so distant, so unfriendly towards him.
To think, the last time he heard your voice, it had told him “Goodnight, I love you.” But now that voice was harsh as it spoke, probably regretful of saying those very words after waking up to find out he’d abandoned you that next morning.
The difference in your tone was beginning to eat away at Reiner, straining that beating vessel in his chest more and more with each look of your indignant expression. As if you’d just picked up a shovel and started digging, deepening his guilt further than it already was; if that was even possible.
“Your minutes are up by the way, and I have to leave.” You suddenly spoke, hoping your statement was bleak enough to end the conversation, meaning you could finally leave; finally be free of him.
“Wait!” Just before you could escape, Reiner quickly reached forward and grabbed your wrist, clinging to it as if his life was hinging on it. “Wait please, don’t leave…”
“That’s rich coming from you.”
He deserved that. Honestly, he deserved more than that.
Call him whatever names you could think of, and he would let you, he’d allow every single one of them, no matter how excruciating, because he knew they were true; because deep down he knew he deserved them.
“I’m not interested in what you have to say, Reiner.” Your words were like knives to his heart, causing the already aching organ to shudder yet again. “Whatever it is you should’ve said it four years ago.”
Was that true?
If he really did explain it to you before he left, would things be different now? Would you have understood his situation? Understood why he had to do it?
Why he had to leave?
“Please,” he implored, desperately maintaining that grip on your wrist. “Please, just let me explain it to you.”
It was pathetic, how he was begging like this, pleading for you to stay and hear him out as if he wasn’t the one that left you in the first place.
“Nothing you say will change what happened.”
He knew that was true, but in spite of that, he still refused to let you go again without telling you, without apologizing at the very least.
“I know,” he admitted, a glossy haze shimmering in his eyes as he looked at you. “But please, I want you to know the truth.”
A part of you wanted to leave, to deny him any further chances to cause you more pain with an explanation. However, another part of you wanted an apology. You wanted to hear his side of the story; to hear whatever excuse he had for abandoning you. No matter how twisted, or pitiful, his reasoning was, you couldn’t deny you had questions you wanted him to answer.
“Fine then. Tell me.” You quickly adjusted your posture, staring at him with your eyebrows raised; a gesture he remembered you only used when you were serious about something.
“Why did you betray us?”
Here it was, the moment he had been waiting for since this conflict arose: his chance to finally be understood, to be seen as more than just the traitor he was made out to be.
“I was given orders,” he started, retracting his hand from your wrist now that you’d clearly abandoned the option to run. “I had no choice but to follow them.”
“And what were your orders?” Your voice sounded heavy, almost as if it was hurting to bring all this back up again; like a wound that was still fresh, still desperately trying to heal itself.
Reiner’s mouth remained shut, his head lowering as he closed his eyes, not wanting to answer your question. He knew he’d be made to look like the villain no matter what he said, no matter which way he worded it.
Did that mean he really was the villain?
In your eyes, maybe.
Perhaps you’d never accept his side of the story, never be able to see past the wretched sins he’d carried out. But regardless, even if he never got the forgiveness he so desperately wanted from you, he couldn’t hide from the truth any longer. It was time to embrace it, all of it.
“They told us to sneak in and make allies first, that way we had the people’s trust and no one would suspect us.” He sighed, his eyes refusing to look up at you in fear of the face you’d make upon hearing his confession. “Once the time came, we were ordered to steal the founding titan by whatever means necessary. And if anyone tried to stop us, we had permission to silence them, using whatever tactics we deemed fit.”
Reiner’s heart felt tight as he let those words out, his shame growing stronger now that he was remembering it all, remembering what he’d done.
How did things end up like this?
He was just trying to do what he was trained to do: save the world from ruin; that’s all. But here he was now, that mission an embarrassing failure as he reminisced on his actions; the same actions that caused such sorrow for so many people, including himself.
And as if things weren’t bad enough, as if Reiner wasn’t feeling guilty already, he heard a sudden change in your breathing that could only mean one thing: you were beginning to cry.
“No, wait!” His head quickly lifted to look at you, instantly regretting it as your distressed face came into view. “Please, don’t cry.” He begged, using his thumb to wipe away the liquid collecting on your skin; which you surprisingly allowed him to do without putting up a fight.
“Don’t cry, okay? Not for me.” He demanded, despite his own eyes welling up with tears as well.
He just couldn’t bear it, knowing he was hurting you yet again.
It was almost as if nothing had changed, even after all those years. As if he was reliving those horrors of his past once more, reliving that anguish he saw imprinted across your visage when you found out he was the armored titan; the same armored titan that had killed so many of your friends.
You didn’t understand it, even now.
Was the man who used to dote on you really the same person as the one who carried out such violence and hatred against your people?
How could that be true? How could he have done such a thing, committed such betrayal against the woman he loved?
What changed? Was it something you did?
Or perhaps a more gut-wrenching explanation: he never loved you to begin with. Maybe that’s why it was so easy for him to give you up, maybe, this was his plan all along.
“What else?” You asked, your voice trembling in the process.
Reiner’s face quickly scrunched in confusion, unsure of what you were getting at. “What do you mean?”
“Were those your only orders?” Tears quickly began trickling down your face faster than Reiner could stop, your gaze looking more despondent than ever. “Was there really not anything else?” Your lips parted to let out a stinging sob, one that seemed like it’d been held in for too long.
It was obvious you were waiting for some sort of answer from him, and every second he delayed with a response was only tormenting you further.
But, even so, it didn’t change the fact that Reiner didn’t understand what you were asking of him; or what you wanted to hear so badly.
Your eyes stared at him in sorrow, more tears absorbing into your skin before you asked your question one last time; phrasing it differently now.
“Was falling in love with me a part of your mission too? Was I just another means to accomplish your end goal?”
Reiner’s heart convulsed at your words, his mouth agape to let out a pained gasp.
Did he just hear that right?
A tool?! Is that really what you thought? Is that really all you assumed you were worth to him?
As if you could ever be such a thing.
Granted, he understood how you may have assumed that, given the matter of his betrayal and all. But, despite that, he never expected such an absurd accusation.
There was a wide range of names you could’ve called him: a traitor, a liar, a monster; anything, and he would’ve accepted it; He would’ve owned up to it.
But this: questioning whether or not his affection towards you was genuine; that was one accusation he’d never admit to.
You were never a tool, you weren’t even a part of his plan to begin with. Falling in love with a woman of Paradis wasn’t exactly one of the orders he received when he was assigned to that mission. In fact, getting involved with you went against the sole purpose of him being there; the sole purpose of his assignment.
He was sent there to exterminate the Eldian race, to wipe out every last one of those despicable beings so that the world could finally be safe.
Falling in love wasn’t an order laid out in his job description at all, much less with a woman of Paradis. And yet, he did.
Reiner was a strategic man, he wasn’t one to easily abandon orders, no matter how difficult they may be. That in itself should’ve been enough to prove his affection toward you; because he never would’ve done such a thing had he not felt it was worth it, had he not felt you were worth it.
Nevertheless, here you were, teeth gritted in frustration as you impatiently awaited his answer.
Your face spoke only of torment, and it pained Reiner to have to witness it. The way your eyes were slanting together in an unsuccessful attempt to subdue your tears, your fingers curling into fists to help better contain your irritation, all of it was a clear sign of the repercussions his decision to abandon the woman he loved had caused.
It was just like the last time, you were falling to pieces over him once more, and Reiner couldn’t stand the sight of it.
Your gentle cries may not have been as loud and mournful as they were four years ago, but it didn’t matter; the fact that you were even crying in the first place was enough to make that twisting sensation return to his stomach; possibly becoming permanent at this rate.
Reiner stretched his arm out to grasp your hand, hoping to console you, however, you quickly backed away, refusing to let him touch you.
“I don’t want your pity!” you spat, your fragile body trembling from both the anger and suffering fueling inside. “I just want the truth! Did you ever love me?”
Was that even a question?
Yes, he was fully aware that it would’ve been hard to believe the authenticity of someone who’d abandoned you; someone who so easily decided to turn against you, as if doing so didn’t phase them in the slightest.
But regardless, ignoring the heinous crimes he’d committed, did you still believe he never loved you?
Were his actions before this messy conflict never enough to convince you of his sentiments?
What about all the times he’d hold you in his arms, whispering to you about how happy you made him feel? Did you really not believe any of that? Was he pouring out his heart’s inner-most secrets for nothing?
Or what about the times he’d surprise you with food, despite rations being low? He almost got caught stealing food for you so many times; which was unwise of him considering the fact that it could’ve possibly had him kicked out of the survey corps: meaning his whole plan to infiltrate the military would’ve gone up in flames.
Or, perhaps how he’d always try to keep an eye on you during missions, making sure you never encountered something too dangerous for you to handle. You always complained that he was being too paranoid, but it was only because, unlike you, he was aware of the kind of power titans held; the kind of pain they could’ve, he could’ve, inflicted upon a tiny human being.
All he ever wanted was to protect you, to do what was best for you. Did you really never realize that?
Even after he made Annie and Bertholdt promise not to lay a hand on you during their countless fights with the survey corps, even after all the times he put your saftey before his own mission, was it still never enough?
Even when he left you behind, did you really never consider the fact that he could’ve been doing it because he thought it’s what’s best for you?
You would’ve never been safe with someone like him, so he spared you from that danger by leaving.
Even though he caused you much pain by doing so, did you still never put that together?
“I understand if you don’t believe me when I say this,” Reiner began, “But I never stopped loving you.”
Even before any words left your lips, the doubtful look stringing along your face was enough to tell Reiner that you didn’t believe him; or were highly skeptical at the very least.
“If that’s true, then why wasn’t that enough for you to stay?”
He’d asked himself the same question so many times before. Why didn’t he just give up on his mission and stay with you? It’s not like he wouldn’t have preferred that option in comparison to the one he chose.
Why didn’t he just let the Marleyans presume him dead, forgetting his life in Marley and starting a new one with you on Paradis?
He wanted to, he considered it even. But there was one factor he was forgetting that made all the difference; one tiny reminder that convinced him to abandon that option in the end: you deserved better.
If he stayed behind like you would’ve wanted him to, like he would’ve wanted to, then he would’ve been living a lie; deception would’ve been rooted at the heart of your relationship.
He would’ve never been able to fully open up to you because doing so would mean he told you the truth about his past, about where he’s from and why he came here in the first place. He’d have to fabricate every detail about his life up until this point; tricking you into believing he was born inside the walls just like you. He’d need to have an excuse for everything: why his parents weren’t around, where he was born, what his home life was like, everything.
Nothing about his life would be real anymore, from the moment he’d wake up, to the second he drifted off to sleep at night, he’d be living a lie.
Every time he’d look at your innocent expression he’d be reminded of the secrets he was keeping from you, the lies he was tricking you with; and he couldn’t live like that. He refused to live like that.
“Staying would’ve only put you in danger, so I left, taking the danger with me.”
“I see.” Your voice was strained, as if you were having trouble processing everything. The shock from seeing him again so unexpectedly still hadn’t exactly worn off yet, and with the addition of all this new information piled on top, you didn’t necessarily know what to say; or how to react.
So, instead, you remained silent, hoping some ideas might materialize inside your head as you waited.
However, you weren’t kept waiting for long because Reiner quickly took an initiative to speak once again, asking something that left you stunned,
“Is it okay if I kiss you?”
Your head quickly flung upwards to look at him, contemplating whether or not you heard him right.
“What??” You asked, aghastly, desperately hoping you misheard his question.
“Is it okay if I kiss you?” He repeated, unfortunately proving that your ears were working just fine, and that you did in fact hear him correctly the first time.
He only meant it as a farewell, nothing more.
He knew this might very well be the last time he ever saw you again, so, with that in mind, he wanted to leave you with something pleasant to remember him by.
He had every intention of letting you go, he’d walk away and you’d never have to see him again afterward.
Just one last memory with you, that’s all he wanted. One last moment to reminisce on the merriment of his past before he let you go for good.
That’s what he wanted at least, but, when you finally uttered a response, he realized it might’ve been too much to ask for.
“I’m with someone else now, Reiner.”
Part One | Part Three | Masterlist | Blog Home | Aot Masterlist
(YES THERE WILL BE A PART THREE. So comment below if you want to be tagged).
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Stupid, Stupid, Emotionally Unavailable Erwin Smith (Levi x Reader x Erwin)
Synopsis: You knew him through his cadet years and yours. You practically grew up together and your admiration of him led you right into the Scouts. You thought your affections had been a well-kept secret. Levi thinks Erwin has known the whole time.
Word Count: 17.5k
Tags/Warnings: No Reader Pronouns, Robbery, Knife-Violence, Violence Against Children, Alcohol, Slight Timeline Divergence, Reader is Good at Math, Angst, Fluff, Hurt and Comfort
Notes: This was so fun to write I never want to do it again!
The door was still open, and bugs were getting into the shop.
You could see them from around his shoulder. The lantern at the door illuminated the sign that swung above the sidewalk. The sun had set a bit ago, and now, because of the light, bugs were entering through the open door. The steel of his blade reflected the flickering ember. You didn’t like looking at it. It made you upset, but the moths and other winged things entering the store made your guts squirm.
The stool you had been sitting on had been knocked to the ground by your ankles. You stood behind the counter. The cash register sat on the small space in front of you with just enough room for it and an area for customers to place merchandise to ring up—a hook with bags dangled on the edge.
“Are you deaf? Open the register,” the man repeated forcefully, glancing over his shoulder toward the open door. His eyes flickered around, and he slammed his fist on the counter when you did not respond. You jumped instinctively, your focus only then breaking from the swarm of nocturnal bugs. “I don’t like roughing up kids, but I won’t hesitate if you don’t do what I tell you!”
Before you could even think, you popped open the register. Your heart fluttered in panic as the man came around the counter, pushing you to the side. You fell to the ground as he ransacked the cash from the trays. He pocketed the wad of bills, not before catching sight of the small safe that sat underneath. The thief eyed it greedily, and you could do nothing as he seized you by the sleeve, dragging you up onto your feet. A hand made its way into your hair, tugging and tangling painfully at your skull as you were shoved face-first into the safe’s lock.
“What’s in this?” He let go of your hair, having difficulty withdrawing his hand as he ripped out a few strands at the root. You crumpled to the floor. “Open it!”
“I can’t!” You looked up at him with round, pleading eyes. “I don’t have the key—” A cold metal line touched firmly against your neck, causing you to swallow the rest of your sentence. A stream of tears trailed down your cheeks. You could hardly feel their warmth over the chills of fear that vibrated your entire being.
“Go open it!” As a warning, the thief pressed the blade deeper against your skin before letting you go.
You curled on the floor, mind racing at the prospect of performing an impossible task. Surely, this would be where you would die. You looked toward the front door, a part of you thinking you heard movement, hoping your parents would finally return as they told you they would after their errand. Tears hit the ground below you, soaking into the floor. And as you curled in on yourself, you hoped you would disappear into the wood, too.
A sudden blur flashed in your damp peripheral. The thief stumbled back, his weapon clattering to the floor and disappearing somewhere under the myriad of shelves. A brown-clad arm wrapped around his throat tightly as if holding on for dear mercy. From behind his shoulder came a striking blue color.
“Run!” you heard, staring into bright blue irises, “Get out of here!” Booted feet kicked from behind the man, the glimpse of a sleeve visible to you in the lantern light. You scrambled back with no strength to do as he said.
A military cadet!
The large man threw his weight backward, slamming the young cadet into the bookshelves behind him. You heard the cadet groan out in pain as books tumbled off the shelves like a waterfall. His grip on the man’s back ultimately gave out as he fell. The thief shook himself off, and just as he turned to cock his fist against the young, blond cadet, an encyclopedia hit the back of his thigh.
You stood at the opposite end of the counter, hard-cover novel raised in the air, ready to follow up on your weak throw. The look on your face was frozen in petrification as all you could do was cry. But the moment you distracted him was enough because, in the next moment, the thief was slammed down hard against the wood floor.
And that was how you met Erwin Smith.
The papers would laude him as a hero, detailing the story of a young military trainee on a late-night run through town, arriving just in time to save a child from a knife-wielding thief. The story would come and go from the papers, although you wouldn’t learn all that until later.
One of Erwin’s friends, who had also stayed late to get in some extra training, had tipped off the Military Police, who arrived shortly after Erwin managed to singlehandedly take down your attacker. Your parents returned within ten minutes of the incident, confused and panicked, as their shop had turned into a crime scene in their short absence.
You couldn’t help staring as the blond cadet, Erwin, answered questions by the Military Police. He stood straight and looked serious, more composed than you had been. The MPs had scared you so much you could barely speak, not that your talking capabilities were all that functional before their arrival. They quickly moved on to your parents, and the cadet slowly approached you.
You didn’t know how to stand. He looked so official in his uniform, cadet or not. He held his hands behind his back with an unreadable look on his face, and when he stood in front of you, he held his hand out. His neat bangs were slicked to the one side of his forehead, untouched.
“Are you alright?” he asked, the neutral expression switching from stoic to cordial. “I am Cadet Erwin Smith.” You became conscious of your stance. His back was straight, and shoulders squared, but even so, you stood just a bit taller. You shook his hand. His grip was more firm than yours. You offered your name.
“Thank you,” you said in a small voice, watching as the MPs milled around. You and Erwin stood off to the side, just two kids in the middle of something that felt bigger than truly hit home for you. “I don’t know what I would have done.”
“I’m glad I could help.” He nodded. You leaned against the bookshelf behind you, one of the shelves supporting about an inch of your bottom. Erwin continued to stand straight. He offered you a closed-lip smile and a slight shrug. “You helped me as much as I helped you.”
The two of you continued to watch over the scene, the two of you having been shoved off to one of the book-lined walls, forgotten. You watched in awe, never having seen military officers in action up close. Erwin, however, watched on with a certain knowledge glinting in his eyes that yours didn’t. You glanced from the MPs to Erwin.
“Did you want to become an MP?” you asked. Erwin hummed.
“No,” he answered curtly, his eyes glued to the officers.
“Oh.” You reached behind you, tracing the spines of the books on the ledge. You pushed a few back into place, the titles having shifted from when you grabbed and threw one.
“I want to become a scout.”
You didn’t know what to say, only humming your previous response as your gaze returned to the door. The MPs kept it open as they came and went, and the bugs came and went with them.
***
He came by the shop the next day. You caught his uniform jacket and crest as he passed by the window, the sight of him like a dream. Erwin seemed to notice you the same time you did, his thick eyebrows shooting up on his forehead as he excused himself from a group of friends to enter your humble bookstore.
You sat behind the counter on your stool, appearing taller than you looked the day before. Erwin approached you with a mixture of surprise and relief.
“I’m surprised to see you back so soon.” He stood in front of the register. “I wanted to see how you were doing but assumed you wouldn’t be in for a few days.” The corner of his lip dipped, unsure how you would react to him casually mentioning the traumatic incident from the day before.
“My parents still need a cashier,” you muttered with a few bobs of your head.
Erwin bobbed along with you. He meandered to your left, padding as he scoped out the books on the shelves. The word “NONFICTION” was painted in curly letters on a sign posted near the ceiling. He splayed a hand across a series of encyclopedias, just as you had the night before. They didn’t budge, already neatly pressed against the back wall.
“Your strength is admirable. It must be hard being back so soon.”
“You’re the cadet,” you blurted. “You’re the one with the strength. I’m sure you get into fights like that all the time.” Erwin laughed aloud, something about it still proper— at least it was to you.
“I can’t say I do.” He shook his head before facing you with a mischievous glint in his eye. “That one was my first.” Erwin puffed up his chest, nose proudly in the air as you caught the twelve-year-old in him for the first time. Even so, he practically looked like an adult to you. “And when I’m in the Scouts, I’ll be sure to fight titans and explore all the land outside Wall Maria.”
“Titans?” you cocked your head to the side, not quite knowing much about the military or caring. You had heard the word in school, but your parents preferred not to discuss things as gory as Scouts fighting titans around school-aged children. There were Scouts— you often forgot they existed— and there were titans, which existed separately in your mind. As for the land outside of Wall Maria, it had never even crossed your thoughts.
Erwin’s eyebrows furrowed. You smiled at the sight, deciding you thought they looked like two caterpillars. He glanced over the shelves.
“Yeah, you must have a book on them somewhere.”
Not finding what he was looking for at the front, Erwin headed to the back. He looked over the titles quickly, his boots making a solid sound against the wood floor as he descended the row. You followed him, scrambling from your stool to chase after the double-sword crest on his back.
Erwin found a book near the back of the store. He plucked it off the shelf with a flick of his index finger. The cover consisted of a crudely drawn giant with sharp, gaping teeth. It looked real enough to you. You glanced around the empty store, nervousness causing you to sweat.
“I dunno if my parents would be okay with this.” You cast your gaze off to the side.
Erwin maneuvered around you, the open book in his hands as he settled into a nearby loveseat. You glanced around again, but you found no one, only Erwin. He stared at you from his book before waving you to sit beside him.
You sat, hands nervously on your knees. Erwin sat with the slightest slouch as he placed the back cover over your left thigh. You nearly recoiled, swiveling your head around the store to avoid being caught complicit in obtaining inappropriate knowledge.
“Titans are man-eating giants that live outside Wall Maria,” Erwin explained, pointing to a page in the book. You pouted. You knew at least that. “Preventing us from exploring things we’ve never seen before. All the things living out there.”
“But there’s nothing out there.” You shifted in your seat, bringing your knee up onto the cushion as you crossed your arms. Erwin took the rejected book in his lap with a slight frown. “We live behind the Walls because the rest of humanity was destroyed.” You recited the sentence just as you did in school, not quite knowing what the words meant. You nodded as if it were obvious, blowing a hair out of your face.
Erwin stood, leaving the book about titans on the cushion as he perused the rest of the non-fiction section. You watched him disappear behind the shelf in front of you.
“Well, why don’t we have any record of the people who came here when the Walls were first built?” His golden hair popped out from the opposite side, another book in his hands. He glanced down, taking a step toward you before stopping. “My dad has a theory… had a theory. That there was more outside.” You didn’t notice his correction.
He kneeled in front of you, placing another book in your lap. The two pages joined together to show an entire map of the three Walls. Hardly an inch at the edges was dedicated to the territory outside. You had never really bothered with the books at the back of the store—you preferred the medical texts at the front— but you occasionally reread the short fiction your mom read you when you were smaller. As Erwin knelt in front of you in his uniform, you couldn’t help but be reminded of the princes from those pages.
“This can’t be everything,” he said with certainty, but if you didn’t know any better, you would have thought he was pleading. “And right now, all we know about are titans. And we don’t even know much about them at all.” Erwin scrambled back up next to you, opening the titan book again. “These tall ones could eat you in a single bite.”
His voice was laced with wonder. He hadn’t intended on scaring you, as most boys his age tended to like to do, but his words made you freeze. You studied the page, thinking back to the thief the night before. He had been a large man. There were monsters bigger than him?
“Are they all that tall?” You remained glued to the pages as Erwin flipped through them. He did so quickly, his ability to read a lot faster than yours.
Erwin raised the open book to your face, again tapping at more crude illustrations. Kicking legs flailed from the mouth of a giant with sharp teeth. You couldn’t stop the slight quiver of your lip. You put on a brave face in the presence of an older kid. Erwin didn’t seem to notice, more caught up in flipping through the book of gruesome images.
“Some are only 3 meters, but that’s still tall.”
“I’ll grow that tall one day.”
“That’s impossible.”
“I’m still taller than you.”
Erwin stayed to look through your myriad of books. He even bought one at the end of the night when you closed. And the next day, he stopped by again, plucking books off the shelves to teach you what his father had taught him before putting most of them back where they belonged. Over time, you suspected that Erwin ended up buying all of the texts he used to guide you. At the very least, he learned how to use the cash register after a few weeks. And after a few years, Erwin had become a regular at your holiday dinners.
You would see him walking from one side of your display window to the other before he entered, sometimes walking with friends. You met Nile Dok once, but given how he never entered your store again, you didn’t think he liked you very much. You spotted him the most, walking by Erwin’s side. And during times when Erwin quickly stopped to say hello to you, Nile waited on the street.
The closer graduation came, the less Erwin stayed in your shop, but he always made it a point to greet you with a promise to make up any time missed another time.
Then, one day, Erwin came to the shop in his Scout uniform. While the ensemble was hardly different from his cadet uniform, you had practically screamed once you saw him. You scrambled out from behind the counter, leaping across the storefront to wrap your arms around his neck.
“You did it! You did it! You did it! You made the selection!” you cried, feeling the rumbling of Erwin’s chuckle reverberate from his chest into yours. He wrapped his arms around you, embracing you.
“You stop that! You’re going to mess up his uniform!” your mother scolded behind you. Only then did you let go, beaming from ear to ear as you smoothed out the front of Erwin’s jacket.
“Oh, it’s going to take a lot more than that,” Erwin laughed, addressing your mother formally from over your shoulder.
He stood a good novel’s width taller than you now. You swore a few months back that you would catch up when you hit your teenage years. Erwin smiled proudly, and you were glad for him. Nile Dok stood, cross-armed on the street, as he usually did. A few other teenagers in Scout, Garrison, and MP uniforms milled about in a group.
“Me and a few buddies were headed out to celebrate, and I wanted to invite you.”
You blinked in surprise, glancing quickly behind yourself at your mother in an unspoken bid for approval. You rubbed your bicep nervously. To your surprise, she nodded. You suspected it was only because of Erwin.
“You go ahead, just be home at a decent hour.”
“I’ll make sure of it.” Erwin nodded and guided you out of the store.
***
The pub was packed. Erwin’s friends had claimed a cluster of tables in the far corner, stealing chairs from the adjacent area to pull up enough seats for all of them. You stuck by Erwin, him being the only person you knew, as you found yourself utterly lost. The rest of the newly recruited soldiers had just turned the legal drinking age of fifteen; meanwhile, you, at age eleven, sat nursing a sad-looking juice that Erwin had ordered for you. They yammered on about the military, using jargon you couldn’t decipher. Even your waitress, a girl named Marie, seemed to know what you didn’t.
You sat, trying not to look awkward while Erwin and Nile chatted with her. She laughed a lot, and at one point, she even sat down at the table with you all. Both conversations proceeded to prattle on without you, trapped between military talk and more military talk. Marie seemed more than happy to indulge Erwin and Nile in their niche discussion.
“Up, the both of you, let me see them!”
The two boys rose and, with a cheerful—albeit sheepish— reluctance, gave Marie a slow turn. Only then did you realize that Nile Dok wore the green and silver unicorn of the Military Police. They faced each other, Marie cheerfully between them as the rest of the table whooped and hollered at the modeling of their uniforms. Nile glared at Erwin, who didn’t seem to notice. You looked around at Erwin’s comrades nervously, offering a slight clap of your hands before the two boys finally sat down.
“I see you brought a friend this time, Erwin.” Your head snapped up, distracted and looking elsewhere when Marie spoke. She offered you a warm smile, her face round and kind. “I’m Marie, it’s good to meet you.” You mirrored her, telling her your name in return.
“From that bookstore, you like a few blocks away,” Erwin chimed. Marie lit up in recognition.
“Oh, I love that place. My father always used to take me to pick out books.” She nodded profusely, letting her cheek settle into one of her palms. The other held a round, empty drink tray close to her chest. “I think the amount of times he’s had to read Beauty and the Beast to me has shaved a few years off his life.” She laughed, and the notes she let out were beautiful.
“Really? I might have seen you. I usually run the register,” you said hopefully, without recollection of seeing Marie before. “Small world.” Marie took a sip of ale from Erwin’s cup.
“And you’re so close—” She flinched at the flavor, and Erwin chuckled. —“You should really come by more often. I’ll have a drink waiting for you on the house. Neighbor’s discount.” Erwin cut you off before you could speak.
“Not of age, Marie, don’t do that,” he warned playfully, taking a swig of his drink. You saw Marie’s face contort in confusion.
“Oh,” she sounded, cocking her head to the side. She studied your face, leaning forward as she squinted at you. “I wouldn’t have known.” Marie cocked her head to the opposite side. “You can’t be too far off.”
“I’m eleven,” you surrendered, feeling small in a group of teenagers, “I’ll be twelve by next season.” You and Erwin only had a three-year age difference, but the gap between his birthday and yours during this season made it appear a year greater.
“That’ll be just in time for recruitment. Are you planning on joining up with the military, too? If you’re around this one, I can only imagine he’s told you all about it.” She nudged Erwin hard, and he groaned.
“Really, Marie?”
But, in fact, Erwin hadn’t told you about recruitment. Not that you had been thinking about joining the military in the first place. You remembered he spoke about it more when he was a newly recruited cadet. But as the years passed, you realized you hadn’t noticed his talk about the military— and his father’s theory— had dwindled.
“I think you know more about it than I do,” you opted, thoughts swimming. You glanced around the table. “Are you also a cadet?”
“Oh, no, no, no,” she giggled, waving her hands profusely. “Trust me, if you’ve seen me run, you’d know not to put me in any branch!” You were late to the collective laugh that overtook her, Nile, and Erwin.
“Uh…” You looked down at your sad juice, fingers tracing the rim. “I might apply.”
Erwin quirked a brow.
“Really?” he questioned, “I didn’t know you were interested.”
“I was thinking about it.”
And just like that, the conversation became about the military again. A few trainees from your right chimed in about recruitment, mulling over their days as cadets and other pieces of terminology that you still didn’t understand.
Marie, to her credit, kept attempting to pull you back into the conversation, changing the topic every so often to include you. But just as the chatter had gotten away from you, it got away from her, too.
She was beautiful and seemed kind, and you understood why Erwin seemed so taken with her.
***
Time passed slowly for you but apparently did not for Erwin. After checking the clock for the umpteenth time, you discretely rose from your chair. You left a coin by your half-empty cup for the pathetic juice. You tried to interject in the discourse for just a moment, but as you expected, you were utterly tuned out. You bid a polite farewell. Erwin didn’t notice. Marie caught your eye as you took two steps away from the table, wordlessly asking if you were alright, and with an equally silent affirmation, she turned back to the group.
You made it home. You tried to busy yourself with tasks around your room before you found yourself back in the downstairs bookshop. You always thought seeing it locked from the inside was funny, that something about the closed door transformed the space in a way you couldn’t describe.
The street grew darker on the other side of the glass. The name of your family’s shop displayed itself backward to you, but the letters were correctly cast in the shadow of the setting sun. It would be completely dark by the end of the hour.
You lingered at the back of the store, standing in the second half of the non-fiction section. One by one, you pulled books. Titans. Architectural analysis of the Walls. Cartography. You remembered reading copies of them with Erwin as he explained things to you.
You sat with them in the dark, pages splayed over open spines as you tried to decipher them. You tore through line by line, flipping as frequently as Erwin had, trying to understand his infatuation with the mysteries between the lines because you were certain that Marie understood in a way you didn’t.
You held the book about titans on your lap, staring into the crudely drawn illustrations as you had with Erwin three years prior. You remembered what Erwin told you. You could probably have recited what he taught word for word, yet you still wouldn’t have understood.
A shadow cast itself across the floor. You recoiled back into the darkness behind the bookshelves. The figure outside pressed itself against the glass, looking in. Despite the elongated form, you recognized a familiar silhouette of hair.
You peeked out from your hiding place. Erwin was pressed up against the front glass of your shop, hands cupped around his eyes. You retreated, holding your back against the shelf behind you as you pondered your subsequent actions. For once, you weren’t excited to see Erwin Smith at your door.
He knocked. You waited a few moments, breathing slowly and hoping he would leave. He knocked some more.
It was only when you heard him sit down on the pavement that you went to collect him. Erwin perked up at the sound of the latch unlocking, quickly scrambling to his feet as you opened the front door of the bookstore. He looked surprised.
“I was worried about you,” he said quickly. “I didn’t know where you went. You didn’t say anything.” Your heart palpitated, seeing him in his new uniform still a dream to you. And better yet, he had remembered you after all and cared enough to come find you.
You stood in the shop doorway, holding the door against the front of your shoulder. Erwin remained close to you, almost as if waiting to be let in.
“I did,” you assured him. “Marie said goodbye to me on my way out.” Kinda. He glanced between your face and the positioning of the door with a slight frown. “Thank you for inviting me. I’m glad you finally got to join up. Sorry for the misunderstanding. Goodnight.”
“Wait—” You moved to close the door, but Erwin quickly gripped the width of it. You didn’t fight him for it. He pursed his lip. “I’m sorry.”
Mixed emotions swirled around in your chest. An urge to tear up tugged at your sinuses, and you didn’t know where it came from.
“Nothing to be sorry about, Erwin.”
It had turned to night. The street where Erwin stood had been overtaken with dim lantern light, and the moon overhead was full. A few clouds passed over his head, floating fast across an otherwise clear sky.
“We could’ve talked about something else.”
Even in the darkness, his eyes shone with the reflection of the moonlight. The blues of his irises glinted with an acute solemness. They flickered up, and as you followed them, you found a small hoard of winged bugs buzzing around the top of the doorframe. Wiry bodies smacked against the wood and the ceiling, not knowing the difference between outside and indoors.
“I guess I’ll have to become a cadet.” You met his eye, and he held the same surprised expression from the pub. Surprised and impressed. It was an attention that you liked. “So I can understand what you’re talking about next time.” So that you’ll take me seriously. The corner of his lip twitched.
“That’s a poor reason.”
“Well—” Your gaze flickered from the Wings of Freedom crest on his left breast pocket. —“What about all the things outside the Walls?” The solemnity in his eye had sparked into a blaze instantly, yet the rest of his features surrendered nothing. “You told me about them a while ago. You think you’re the only one who wants to see them?”
You recited it perfectly. You would have believed you, too.
“You know,” you continued, glancing back toward the back of the shop and the stairwell leading to your upstairs apartment. “They’d be thrilled if you stopped in. If you’re up for it, that is.”
Erwin didn’t say a word as he pushed the door with a warm smile. You moved to the side to let him in, locking the shop back up behind you.
***
He tried to talk you out of it more than once.
Erwin liked to ask, “Are you sure?”
And you would always answer, “Never been more sure in my life,” before distracting him with something else to get him to drop the topic. But for all your huffing and puffing, you couldn’t say you disliked the attention. Whenever you brought up your intentions for recruitment, Erwin always fell for your bait.
You spent three years in the Cadet Corps, just as Erwin had. You donned the same uniform you had grown used to him wearing. The warm smile Erwin had shone when you first showed him had you riding a high for the following two weeks.
You wrote to him often. Erwin was, after all, a full-time Scout now, and you were busier than ever— training monumentally more taxing than keeping the register at a bookshop, to a lack of your surprise. He offered instructions on how to best perform in ODM gear, how to coil your wires so they don’t tangle, the places to keep stupid clean for inspections…
You kept them in your gear, papers folded to display certain sections of his notes as you practiced morning to night on your skills. The writing grew worn, and the stationery wrinkled from times that rain fell while you were out and then dried again when you found yourself at a fireplace.
He told you about expeditions and when he departed. You had a theory that sometimes he forgot he was writing to you at all. You owned pages of Erwin dumping his thoughts onto paper, long ramblings about nothing and everything all at once. You spent your nights trying to understand because there was undoubtedly something more profound than his words. And after a thorough session of overanalysis, you drafted your responses in perfect synchronization with his, line by line.
His last letter came in before he was sent off on another monthly expedition. Erwin had addressed it, “My Dearest.” You admired how he wrote your name in the following space, observing where the pen lines were thickest and thinnest.
“By the time you receive this letter, you will have already made your branch selection. Congratulations. I wish I were there to celebrate with you as you did with me…” the letter read. The collection of pen strokes shot through your heart. You let the note drop onto your dorm vanity as you vibrated with glee. You caught sight of your reflection in the mirror and then the Wings of Freedom crest on your breast pocket— just like Erwin’s.
You drew your own stationery, ready to reply to his letter, line by line, as you always had. This time, you intended to give it to him in person.
***
The gates opened at an odd time in the evening. Which, given the nature of the Scouts, certainly couldn’t have meant anything good. You waited with bated breath at the headquarters in Trost, watching as your fellow Scouts trudged up the hill. You kept out of the way to avoid being put to work by a supervisor who’d perceived you as loitering. After scanning half of the crowd from your upstairs perch at a hallway window, you finally caught sight of a familiar blond.
You made a break for the stairwell, sliding down the winding railing at the behest of a few passing officers, and dismounted into the courtyard with a start. Meandering horses and soldiers passed you, your singular standing presence parting the group like a lodged stick in river water.
You instantly spotted him, a wave of relief passing over you that he had returned. The feeling faltered as you saw the gauze wrapped around his forehead and left arm. It didn’t take long for Erwin to spot you in return. His brows raised with joyful surprise before settling into something much more sentimental. You offered him a salute, the first in your new Scout uniform. He saluted you back, the reins of his horse in his hand.
“You really did it,” he said, riding up before you. He gestured with his head. “Walk with me to the stables. I want to hear all about it.” You obliged.
And so continued a long history of following Erwin Smith.
***
On the other hand, Levi Ackerman didn’t seem to like you very much. Granted, he didn’t seem to like anyone much outside his two friends. You didn’t blame him, given the way that Erwin had strongarmed the three of them into the military.
“You’re the one who serves the tea,” Levi said as more of a definite statement than anything else. He stared down at you from a step up, his two friends sitting together in the barracks behind him. The scorn in his voice almost made you take another step down, and his thin brows twitched slightly in confusion. He glanced back at his friends, who both shrugged simultaneously.
“I’m a team leader under Section Commander Erwin?” you clarified, which made Levi scowl deeper for some odd reason. You repeated your name, but Levi didn’t appear to be paying much attention. A buzzing sounded from the lamp hanging just outside Levi’s door. A long-legged insect fluttered around the light. Levi stepped outside, closing the door behind him.
“I always see you serving tea.” Your skin burned with embarrassment. You fidgeted, lightly folding the papers in your hands. Did new recruits really think you were just there to serve drinks?
“I wanted to give you these,” you glossed over the implication, offering Levi the stack of small papers in your hands. He looked at them skeptically but ultimately took them from you. Levi flipped through them briskly, bored gaze passing over carefully hand-written notes and detailed diagrams. They looked old. “I had help when I first became a Scout. And training is tomorrow, and I know the three of you were kinda singled out, so…” You didn’t know where you were going with that.
“Thanks.” Levi continued to stare you down.
“Well, that’s all. I hope they can help.” You made your way down the steps of the barracks hastily. Levi watched your back as you retreated into the darkness.
***
“I guess you didn’t need those notes after all.” Given that this wasn’t your squad, Levi was surprised to turn around and see you. You stared past him and up into the trees of the training forest. After your delivery to Section Commanders Hanji and Flagon, they quickly returned to headquarters.
“Hurry up, Newbie.” Flagon had called to Levi, but you had insisted that he could return with you instead.
“Your matters are urgent, Section Commander. Let me take something off your plate.” And with one last pout, he obliged you.
“They were helpful enough,” Levi said, polishing his gear. If anything good came from his current situation, it came in the form of standard-issue cleaning and maintenance products. “You keep thorough notes for an errand-runner.” You laughed, although Levi couldn’t tell if it was sarcastic.
“Expedition Command is no joke, and besides, it let me catch the tail end of your practice.” You sat down next to him. Before the Scouts claimed this section of the forest for training purposes, someone had placed a picnic table out by the tree line. You sat with Levi on the bench, heaving a deep sigh. “Unless you’re complaining about getting time away from Flagon, which, in that case, I can take you back now.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
You leaned back against the table, enjoying the view over Trost and Wall Rose, glancing at Levi, who was now tending to his grips. The sun had begun to float back down to the horizon, although you still had a few hours before it completely set. Peak heat was starting to dissipate, and the light cast a myriad of pastel colors across the thin mass of swirling clouds overhead. You reached into your boot and, retrieving a folded paper and a pen, turned on the bench to study Levi’s reverse grip.
He glanced up from his polishing, double-taking your rigorous notes. You had already drawn a diagram of how Levi held his swords.
“Can I help you?”
You glanced up at him and back down at your notes. A few equations littered the margins. The numbers were small. A few of them were crossed out. Complex diagrams depicting vectors and force lined the bottom.
“Your reverse grip might be revolutionary. I heard Hanji say so. No one’s ever done it before.” Your face lit up much more subtly than Hanji’s did. Hanji had practically passed out on the spot. “Standard techniques might damage your wrists long-term.” You turned to him with a light smile. “Maybe we can troubleshoot it sometime.”
Levi set his gear down, resting his current fixation on his lap. He observed every inch of your face, suspiciously taking in every fold, pore, and curve. Perhaps Erwin knew of his plan for assassination and sent you to do recon. But something about you gave him the slightest doubt of his suspicion.
“Why are you doing this?” he asked, the scowl on his lips no more severe than usual. You would learn quickly that it happened to be the face Levi always made. You cast your attention back toward your notes, calculations, and diagrams, shrugging.
“When you join the military, a lot of talk can go over your head. Things can be a little cliquey that way, unfortunately.” You held out the page to him. “It’s rough because it’s based on my estimations, but this might help.” Levi’s nose wrinkled, and he made no effort to take the note.
“I don’t want your boot paper.”
“Not a fan of footnotes?” Levi didn’t laugh. You stifled the goofy smile that fought to overtake your lips. Terrible puns aside, Levi had never seen that expression while you were pouring tea. You put the scribbling into your breast pocket.
“I’m not a fan of gross, sweaty paper from someone’s boot.”
“Fair enough.” You stood, stretching as you continued to stare out towards Trost. You pivoted to face Levi, who had just finished wrapping up the rest of his gear. “Are you ready to head back?”
You mounted your horses, and Levi had to admit that riding back to headquarters with you likely marked his most pleasant experience since joining up with the Scouts. No supervisors were around to talk down to him. No one was screaming. It was just the two of you traveling through wildflowers and tall grass.
Levi stared at the back of your head as you naturally took the lead. You sure had a lot of faith that he wouldn’t slit your throat and ride off, Levi thought. He rode up next to you, his unfamiliar horse jerking to the side.
“You gunning for some job in the rookie— whatever— school or something?” Levi leaned forward to meet your eye. The question left you puzzled.
“The Cadet Corps? No.” Your mouth puckered in thought. Levi veered ahead, your horses slowing down as you traveled carefully down a decline. He scoffed.
“With your thorough lesson plans. What’s even the point of being here?” he jeered.
“Most of that was actually Erwin’s.” Levi perked up at the mention of his target’s name. “We used to exchange letters when I was a cadet. He helped me get through the academy, so I compiled everything into more organized notes. And, well, I expanded some.” He hummed, saying nothing as you entered Trost.
A few people waved to you. You waved back with a smile. Levi continued to follow you down the busy streets.
“You keep showing those titans who’s boss, Lieutenant!”
“I certainly will, Mr. Flynn. Say hello to Mary for me!”
The farther Levi rode with you, the clearer it became that you knew just about everyone. Even the stable boys regarded you casually, taking your horse in immediately as you made small talk. Levi had several questions about you, but none of them would distract him from his mission.
***
That was until the expedition happened.
Levi made himself scarce during the following days, and with no one close to him, no one sought him out to bother him.
“Maybe I should stop by.” You stared out the window of Erwin’s office. He hardly looked up from his paperwork, humming to himself as his distracted brain worked to register your comment.
“Hm? Why’s that?” You stared off in the direction of the barracks. Given your position, pulling Levi's schedule wouldn’t be too difficult. Your eyes focused on your reflection in the glass, and as Erwin sighed and turned to face you, you met his reflection. “Feeling sentimental for my assassin?” You scoffed, turning around. Your knees bent, allowing you to lean on the low windowsill.
“You’re still here, aren’t you?”
Erwin swiveled his head with a playful roll of his eyes. His mouth remained in a stoic line.
“You’re heartless.”
“You? Calling me heartless? That’s funny when you’re straight merciless. Assassin or not…” With a jump of his brows, Erwin turned back around to his paperwork. —“Oh, and thanks for letting me in on that, by the way.” You glanced back outside the window with a slight pout. “Someone’s ordered a hit out on you, and you don’t even bother to tell me.”
“I’ll be sure to let you know next time.”
“Erwin.”
“Hm?”
You had lost his attention again, probably for the better, given that Commander Shadis wanted the paperwork under Erwin’s hands on his desk as soon as possible. You meandered across Erwin’s office, plucking open a side cabinet to reveal all the fixings for a cup of tea. He perked up at the very sound.
Erwin waited for you to start preparing it.
“Would you make me one?” He craned his neck, hoping to catch today’s selection— as if it wasn’t Erwin’s very own tea collection. You didn’t look at him.
“No.”
Erwin’s face fell with an acute shake at your outright refusal.
“Why not?”
You turned with reluctance, the tea already in your hands, ready for brewing. A vein twitched in your forehead.
“Because new recruits think my only job is to bring you tea.” You didn’t miss the little smirk that glitched onto Erwin’s lips. Another bob of his eyebrows. His pen flew across the pages.
“Oh really? And who told you that?” He glanced up at you, another tease at the tip of his tongue. He would only talk this way with you. “Would it be a breach of power if I ordered you to bring me one?” The annoyed tensing of your shoulders filled Erwin with amusement.
“I’m sure Commander Shadis would love to know that you’re abusing your power over your team leaders.” You walked over to Erwin’s desk, and sure enough, you held a second cup of tea. He graciously took it in his hands with a polite nod.
“This is why you’re in my squad.” You held onto the handle.
“Hopefully, not the only reason.” After a beat, you relinquished the cup to him. Erwin thanked you. You sat on the front of his desk, the both of you taking a sip of your drinks simultaneously.
“Oh, I’ll be seeing Marie at the month's end.” You nearly choked. That was a name you hadn’t heard in a while. You didn’t think Erwin had seen Marie again since the beginning of his time in the Scouts. If he did, it wasn’t information you wanted to know. “She sent me a letter recently. She says she has big news that she wants to share with me.”
“Will Nile be there?” you asked, trying to make sense of the situation. Erwin shook his head.
“Not as far as I know.” You hummed into your tea, not wanting to sound too invested.
“You haven’t seen Marie in quite some time. I’m sure seeing her again will be very nice.”
“I think so, too.”
When you finished your drink, Erwin was filling out the last page. He held his teacup in one hand and penned his signature on the last of the paperwork with the other. You gathered it all in one big stack, and with relief, you retreated from Erwin’s office.
***
A pounding came at your door later that evening. Its force made you dart onto your feet, and as it sounded again, you scrambled for a weapon to answer the door with. Opening the door to your unknown visitor turned out to be rather anticlimactic. Levi pushed directly past you, making a beeline for your kitchen.
“Uh, hello…?” You stood at the door in a set of comfortable civilian clothes and a sizable combat knife in your hand. It was late, after all, to be having unexpected visitors. He only stopped raiding your cabinets for a moment to scold you.
“Shut the door; you’ll let in the bugs.” Not knowing what else to do, you complied with his request. Levi stood in your kitchen, a canister in his palm. He turned back to you with his usual deep frown. “Really?” He held the canister up and shook it before raiding your cabinets some more. “The Scout’s resident tea servant, and you don’t even have anything of quality.”
You gaped at the sight in front of you. Unlike most officers, you didn’t live in standard issue housing within headquarters. Rather, the Scouts owned a few apartments in the surrounding buildings. You happened to get placed in one of those through sheer bureaucratic bullshit, but you certainly weren’t complaining about not having to live in a glorified dorm fifty steps away from where you worked.
Still, you huffed at Levi’s audacity, storming forward to slam your hand against the counter extended in front of you.
“Didn’t you grow up in the sewer or something?” you shot back, earning another glare from Levi.
“Yeah, so it’s a goddamn testament when I say this shit is shit.” Nonetheless, he continued to brew the tea. If you were honest with yourself, you were a bit sick of tea for the day. Levi crossed his arms, his bangs falling in his face. “Do you still have that page from your shoe?” You stood, blinking for a moment.
“The… footnote…?” you wondered with a genuine seriousness. Levi rolled his eyes as he grumbled to himself.
“Whatever. Whatever you want to call it. Do you still have it?” He slammed one of your cups in front of you, and by some miracle, the tea didn’t spill over the sides. Levi took a sip from his, physically recoiling as the liquid touched his tongue. He slapped a hand over his mouth.
“Yeah…?” You still didn’t follow. Levi dumped his drink down your sink.
“Get it for me.” From seemingly out of nowhere, he tugged out your notes. Levi slammed them down on the counter, letting the pages splay out. “I want to work on that reverse grip.”
***
Sitting with Levi at your kitchen table as he read over your notes, something about it felt familiar. A single light dangled overhead. Your two plates had been pushed off to the side, the pastries from the market being the only thing Levi seemed to approve of in your apartment. Your tea had about an inch left in the cup. Levi had settled on a blend you didn’t know you had, grumbling something about it being shit but less shit than your shitty tea.
He sat at your kitchen table for hours, following silently along as you walked him through your notes. He wanted to know everything, what every term meant, every figure and diagram. You explained it all as you relived your old notes with older eyes.
In a way, you couldn’t help but be reminded of Erwin and the way he used to teach you.
“I don’t understand the difference here.” Levi slouched over a comparison of two diagrams. “They look the same to me.”
“The difference is that instead of your first knuckle bearing all the force, it would be evenly distributed across your finger. You can bend your fingers the way you have been, but you risk breaking them.” You pulled up another page, layering the two so that the pictures lay one on the other. “And this rotating motion will allow the remaining force of your strike to be absorbed throughout your entire arm once you hit something solid instead of breaking your fingers or shoulder.”
Levi nodded silently along, eyes darting elsewhere as he thought to himself. He mirrored the motion in the air.
“Doesn’t that feel more natural?” Levi hummed, and you didn’t think twice about taking hold of him to guide him in the motion he had been using in his swordsmanship. “As opposed to this. You can feel it right here, can’t you?” You patted the underside of his bicep.
“Yeah, I can.” You stared into his eyes, the sudden realization coming over you.
“Oh, sorry.” You recoiled your hands from him. He returned to studying the papers.
“It’s no problem…” he trailed off. You watched as he pondered to himself, and you subtly checked the clock. The time he had been there wasn’t much of an issue to you; you were just surprised you had talked for so long. No wonder you were all out of ideas for him. You were about to tell Levi just that when he spoke again, “You are wasted in your position.” Your head snapped toward him, wondering if you heard him right.
“What?”
Levi didn’t hesitate to repeat himself.
“You’re wasted as a glorified errand dog,” he asserted. “I don’t know much about the ranks and shit around here, but I know for damn sure you deserve section commander or higher.”
You were stunned and silent. Levi sighed, taking it upon himself to start clearing up the dishware from the table. You shook your head.
“I don’t—”
“You know, I don’t really care if you don’t agree.” Levi moved past you, rolling his sleeves to work on the dishes. “And I’m not going to try to convince you either way.”
Levi’s departure from your apartment was uneventful. After he finished putting away your dishes, you handed him the newly-thickened compilation of notes, and he was out the door. His words about your wasted potential kept you up that night until you overthought yourself to sleep.
***
Once an assassin sent to kill your closest and dearest friend from childhood, you now thought of Levi Ackerman as more similar to a housecat than anything else. He showed up at your doorstep once. You had given him terrible tea and a decent pastry once, and that had turned into a terrible habit of him showing up to your apartment unannounced at least a few times a week.
“It didn’t feel right,” he muttered the next time he stormed through your door. A few of your notes were fanned out in his hands, wrinkled from how he held them in his punishing grip. He wore his full ODM gear on top of his civilian clothes, with filled sword sheaths and all. You just about screamed when he drew a blade. Levi remained focused on the notes. “You said the new technique was supposed to relieve tension, but I’m still getting aches in my knuckles and my shoulder.” You continued to watch his sword.
“Is my apartment really the best place for your ODM training?”
“It’s not like I’m tearing up the place; even if I did, the Scouts would pay for the repairs.”
“Out of my paycheck,” you muttered.
“Better yours than mine. Show me the technique again.” Levi sighed, shoulders dropping in annoyance as he finally lowered the page. He gritted his teeth, tilting his head back in exasperation. Yeah, Flagon was right. Levi really did look like a thug. A moment passed until he deflated, blowing out hot air as he fought his signature scowl. In your opinion, he wasn’t doing a very good job. “...please?”
You sighed, setting aside whatever task you were doing.
“Look, I’m not a trainer. It’s just theory and a mishmash of stuff I know, which can only take you so far.” You crossed your arms, gesturing at him with a shrug of your shoulder. Levi blinked at you, unbothered. “Okay, show me what you’ve been doing.”
That extra set of ODM gear sat compiled in the corner of your already small living room, which Levi had brought a few nights back to practice his basic motions with. You didn’t ask where it came from.
(He had even hidden an extra set of clothes at your place, although it was likely that he had told you where he was stashing them, and you weren’t paying attention or forgot. Both were likely.)
You stood again at Erwin’s tea station, holding an unopened container in your palm. Given the times it had been passed over, you safely decided that Erwin didn’t like the blend. You held it up in the air.
“I’m taking this,” you proclaimed.
“Go right ahead.” Erwin shifted in your peripheral. “Late nights?” He took a comb to his hair, squinting at his reflection in the window. You reckoned he looked pretty goofy from outside, given anyone was watching the windows.
“I guess you could say that. I was told that my tea sucks.” Erwin chuckled, smoothing his bangs out over his forehead one last time.
“Well, I’m honored you’ve decided to raid my stash to turn the tides.” He came around his desk as you closed the cabinets. You pocketed the tea, and Erwin came to stand tall and straight in front of you. He puffed out his chest, his newly laundered dress uniform looking crisply ironed. “How do I look?”
You adjusted his collar. You never did make good on your proclamation to grow three meters tall, and now Erwin stood in front of you with a decent advantage in height. Not that it mattered now as adults well into their twenties, but it struck you how much time had passed.
“You look as handsome as always. I think Marie’ll just…” You took an inhale, putting on the best smile you could. “Marie will just be so happy to see you.” You picked up the mixed bouquet from his desk and handed it to him. “Good luck. I hope you get home safe.”
“And you—” Erwin glanced back up from the tea stashed in your pocket to your face, a coy look about him. —“I take it you have evening plans as well?”
“Hardly,” you laughed bitterly, picturing Levi’s frowning face. Erwin leaned back on the front of his desk, carefully holding the bouquet for Marie by the bound stems. And as he sat, simply staring at you, your smile faltered as you dared to think his expression resembled something sentimental.
Erwin had changed; as much as you liked to think he looked the same as he always did growing up. To you, he did look the same. You saw him just about every day for the past ten years, and the small details of his face had escaped you. He used to have full cheeks, you realized. Now, his face looked far more defined. You wondered when he developed such angular cheekbones.
“You like your bad tea.”
“Wait, you think it’s bad too?”
“I’m just saying to not get too invested in a guy who criticizes your tea, that’s all.” Erwin shifted his shoulders, pulling on the front of his collar before smoothing it out again. You scoffed.
“Believe me, I wouldn’t consider myself ‘invested’ in any sense of the word—” You stopped short. Erwin was staring again, a self-satisfied smirk threatening to give him away.
“So there is a guy.” You protested at the smug waggle of his eyebrows. You searched around your vicinity for something to throw at him. Finding nothing, you reopened the tea cabinet and hurled a teaspoon at Erwin’s head. He ducked out of the way with a light chuckle. “Easy. You know, I really ought to have a word with this tea critic of yours.”
“There’s no guy. And why do you assume it’s a guy anyway?”
“I know you better than anyone else, for one.” Erwin bobbed his head in thought. “And so, I’d like a word.” The clock chimed, alerting you to the next hour. Erwin stood, and you left his office together. You frowned at him as he locked the door from the hallway, not forgetting the bouquet in his hands for a second.
“What’s it to you anyway? You’re off to see Marie.”
Erwin pocketed his keys, eyes avoiding yours.
“When you have the same tea for so long, some wiseass shouldn’t be waltzing in talking about things they don’t know about. That’s all.” You took the canister out of your pocket, studying the label with furrowed brows.
“Wow, I didn’t know you were so passionate about tea.”
Red moved somewhere in front of your face, and as you looked up, the red blur had become a single flower plucked from Marie’s bouquet. Erwin offered it to you.
“I’ll see you tomorrow for expedition prep,” Erwin said, breaking you out of your trance. You took it in your hands.
“See you tomorrow.” With one last faint smile, Erwin disappeared down the stairwell.
***
You didn’t have a vase. You had never been gifted flowers before, so the single flower Erwin gave you sat in the nicest, tallest glass you owned. Due to the wide mouth, the stem flopped to the side, displaying the petals at an angle.
You sat at your kitchen table, having just had dinner. An empty plate moved off to the side, you rested your head on your crossed arms, lost in the makeshift container. You tried not to think about how Erwin’s night with Marie was going.
You had seen her a few months back, accidentally running into her somewhere in the market. She told you that she didn’t see many of the old group around— not that you were a part of it in the first place— but that you should join Nile in visiting her at the pub. She owned it now. You went a few times during your cadet years, a part of you wondering if perhaps the two of you could be friends. It never clicked through no fault of your own or hers, and you stopped as soon as you graduated.
With a groan, you buried your face in your arms before snapping yourself back up again. You plucked your black, beat-up leather notebook from the adjacent shelf, and with a pen from a nearby jar, you flipped to one of your pages in progress.
A neat list of Levi’s complaints with the reverse grip sat on the left side of the page, and a jumbled mess of lines interweaved to point toward possible solutions. Some arrows were crossed entirely out, with new lines overlapping them. Unlabeled microcalculations littered the spaces in between, left unfinished when you got to a point where you could do the math in your head.
You stared at the book for a while, scribbling and jotting things you knew were half-hearted ideas. Your guesswork littered page after page until the ink began to stain your fingers, and just when you were starting to get sick of looking at your writing, a firm knock sounded at the door.
It thumped three times exactly, and you buried your face in your hands at the prospect of having to keep thinking about this stupid reverse hold technique. But you brought it on yourself. Naively, you wondered if you could convince Levi to do something else. He seemed like he could be easily persuaded to clean your kitchen. Maybe you could read a book or perform some other leisurely activity you haven’t had the time or energy to do.
“I left it open,” you moaned, “Just don’t expect me to feed you—”
You had expected Levi, but when the door opened, Erwin stumbled through. He held the door with a lazy grip, the front of his long jacket completely undone, exposing his white button-down and dark-colored slacks. His face drooped in the way that most people did when they had too much to drink. Erwin hardly drank, let alone overdrank.
You immediately jumped up, running to the door to support him. Erwin practically collapsed in your arms when you came near, his dead weight almost forcing you to the floor. He wrapped his arms around you tightly, anchoring the both of you firmly to the ground below. Your door didn’t quite close, allowing a sliver of light from the outside lamps to enter your apartment.
He smelled strongly of whiskey. You tried to pull him away to talk to him directly, but he didn’t budge, head buried deep in the crook of your neck.
He just held you wordlessly.
“Marie is getting married,” he said, hardly above a whisper. Your cheek moved against the hair just behind his ear as you turned in surprise. You rubbed your hand gently between his shoulder blades, your other tracing the back of his collar. He tightened his grip on you, refusing to move.
“Oh, Erwin…” You sighed, and you felt him shake once. “I’m sorry.”
After all this time, he was still in love with her.
And you knew it, too. You’ve always known.
You knew it when you went to his graduation dinner.
You knew it when you found his unfinished love letters to her when he was promoted to Section Commander and got his office.
You didn’t know what you were apologizing for.
You let him find comfort in you, taking the time he needed in your presence as you stared off at where the wall met the ceiling from over his shoulder. You felt something deteriorating in you like a slow spiral that settled into what you could only describe as heartbreak. A few tears prickled at your eyes, but you refused to shed them.
After an eternity, Erwin finally rose, the withdrawing of his grasp also withdrawing his warmth. He let out a huff, almost in disbelief of himself. The only evidence of his crying soaked into the shoulder of your shirt.
“Go sit down. I’ll bring you tea.” With another labored breath, Erwin nodded. He slipped out of his jacket. You took it off his shoulders to hang up by the door. He placed his shoes neatly underneath, slowing impressive dexterity for a man who might not remember the night in the morning. Erwin popped open a few buttons on his shirt as he went to sit.
You went to the kitchen, preparing your beverages with the same tea you had always used. He took it from you graciously.
“I only have tea that you don’t like. I thought I’d opt for the familiar one.”
“I can’t say I have the right to be picky,” he laughed lightly, staring at his rippled reflection in the cup. “Thank you.”
“It’s not a problem. What else are friends for?” Erwin watched as you set your cup on the coffee table before you.
“Yeah… friends.”
He glanced around your apartment. He hadn’t been there for quite some time, but even so, little had changed. Your kitchen table sat four, but the one you sat in every time was the only one not neatly pushed in. You have had the same water kettle since you first joined the Scouts. He remembered when you bought it. You were worried that you got ripped off, but more than ten years later, it still did the job. Pages of handwritten notes were designated into piles across every surface, some better hidden than others.
“That’s not your ODM gear,” Erwin pointed out, observing the pile of gear in the corner of the living area. Even if it was yours, keeping swords and sheaths in one’s living area didn’t align with standard policy.
“Oh, um.” You followed his gaze. “I was doing some experimenting, I guess you could call it.” Erwin took a sip of his tea, beginning to sober up some.
“You’ve been spending too much time with Hanji,” he joked, his smile fading as he played with the cup's handle. “How come you never told me about it?” Erwin leaned forward, taking a paper from a pile on your coffee table, nursing his steaming beverage as he glazed over it. He flipped it over. “You weren’t kidding…”
“That’s not even all of it.” You stood, running to grab your journal and the myriad of pages from the kitchen table. Moving your tea out of the way, you splayed it on the table. Your complex mathematics, crude diagrams, and painstakingly thought-out theories. Erwin poured over it all.
You expected him to say something, but he remained quiet. He flipped the pages over, revealing just as sophisticated backs.
“These are our current techniques for Titan-Engaged Combat,” he said, almost to himself. He set his empty cup down. “And you calculated the most efficient navigation for the best gas conservation and highest striking power… Where did you get these numbers? Who taught you this?” Thrown off by his questions, you almost smiled.
“Do you remember the closest shelf to the register at the shop? The first half of the non-fiction section?”
He did remember.
And all this time, Erwin had only thought about what he could teach you.
“I never knew you did this.” He flipped through your journal. It dated back years, and judging by the near identical ones that lined your bookshelf, he guessed it wasn’t the only one. “It’s impressive. It could be, well, life-saving.”
You thanked him awkwardly, not used to sharing your hobby with anyone. Erwin sat back against the cushion of your couch, studying your work. You leaned an elbow back, sitting on your side as you slung your legs over his lap to read with him. And then he laughed, letting his head fall back, and the page drop to your knees.
“What’s so funny?” you asked. Erwin’s chest rose as he breathed in deeply.
“Just Hanji, huh?” he exhaled, another laugh breaking up the stream as he pinched at the bridge of his nose. Erwin shook his head, his typically neat hair turning just a bit ruffled. “I was worried for nothing.”
“Worried? Why were you—”
You didn’t know how it happened.
Erwin’s nose nudged against yours. You felt him lean toward you, and like that, you let him kiss you.
Your eyes fluttered closed. He was gentle, and his lips were smooth. It was clumsy at first, but you quickly learned to follow his lead, falling into a rhythm as his hand ran up your jaw and as far as it could into your hair. You had waited for this moment for so long, but now that it was finally a reality, you couldn’t stop that nagging, sad, and confused pit in your chest.
“Erwin?” Your eyes remained closed as he kissed the side of your mouth, leading a trail of sloppy kisses down your jaw. You found yourself quickly, taking him by the shoulders and pushing him back, holding him at arm’s length as you stared into his wide, lost blues. You shook your head slowly, repeating his name softly. “Erwin.”
He flinched back from you instantly, hands flying again to his face. Erwin rubbed at the skin around his eyes, brushing aggressively over his cheeks and through his now messy hair.
“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Erwin drawled in a voice you had never heard before. “I’m sorry.”
You didn’t know what to say. Your knee dipped into the cushion under you as you reached out, trying to place your hands on his. In a stroke of irony, you weren’t allowed to say anything at all.
“Do you not know how to close a goddamn door? You see all these moths—”
All the three of you could do for a second was look at each other. Erwin sat up straight and alert, ready to stand at any second against your intruder. You had shot yourself to the opposite side of the couch in a moment of instinct, and Levi slowly closed your door, making sure the latch clicked.
You shot up after the momentary shock wore off, instantly taking Levi by the sleeve.
“Now’s really not a good time.”
“Is it, now?” Levi stopped, not letting himself be tugged along. He made a point to glance at the cups of tea on the coffee table and back at you. He sent a pointed glare towards Erwin. “Having some evening tea, are we, Erwin?” Erwin stood, arms crossed, as he regarded your new guest.
“Levi,” he acknowledged.
“Levi!” you hissed, tugging him back toward the door. You held it open, practically pleading with him. “Out!”
With a final glare toward Erwin, Levi shrugged your hand off with a jerk of his arm and left. By the time you turned back to Erwin, he was already beginning to collect his things.
“I should probably be going, too,” he sighed, slipping on his jacket.
“Erwin, wait, I—”
“I’m sorry. What happened tonight was inappropriate and extremely unprofessional, especially for a superior and subordinate officer—”
“Erwin, please, can we talk about this?”
“I will see you in the morning for expedition prep.”
You couldn’t stop him as he left.
***
Erwin arrived at the meeting with Expedition Command just three minutes early with Miche in tow. You had been waiting for him outside, several copies of his requested documents organized neatly in your arms, watching other senior officials enter the meeting room. Ever the one to be at least a half hour early, Erwin arriving to a session on time struck you into a panic. You nearly called someone, convinced there had been an emergency. But with five minutes to spare, you heard him from down the hall. You knew his gait anywhere.
He strode with purpose down the hall, jaw as squared as ever and weight to his step. Your heart jumped, the events from the night before still fresh in your memory. You hoped to talk to him after everything had been squared away from the next expedition.
You had bolted up from the bench you were sitting on and stood at attention with a salute. Erwin regarded you coolly, never dropping an ounce of his collected and upright professionalism. You tried not to let the fact that he treated you differently in private whip your thoughts into a frenzy, but his avoidance of your eye wasn’t something you could ignore.
“Ah, you brought the copies. Perfect. Miche can take those from you.” Erwin walked past you, the slight breeze of his quick pace flowing through the tips of your hair. You hardly noticed as Miche towered over you, hands ready to receive your papers as instructed. You craned your neck, looking at Erwin’s back as he approached the meeting room doors. “You are dismissed.”
“Section Commander? Am I not also on this meeting, too?”
“There’s no need for there to be two team leads here, not for meeting this early in advance.”
“But the expedition is less than a week away—”
“Team Leader,” Erwin snapped, turning toward you. His gaze was lidded and cold, and his lips drew into a tight, untelling line. “You are dismissed.”
His words lodged in your chest, swirling around your stomach until you became nauseous. You didn’t remember saluting him or handing Miche your copies. You heard yourself say, “Yes, sir,” but you didn’t remember speaking.
You hurried out of the hall as quickly as possible and then out of Headquarters completely. And with a single stop at your apartment, you rode out of Trost on horseback.
***
“Graah!! Agrahhh!” You slashed your way through the compilation of dummies stationed on the forest floor, each outfitted with durable, twirling arms made specifically for sword training. The force of your cuts caused them to spin with a force of equal magnitude to your strike. You screamed into the training forest, scaring a few birds overhead who flocked out of the leaves above.
Hot, concentrated air blew out your nose as you maintained your labored breathing. You swung your swords, burning red-hot as you made your way through the training area, the sound of metal clashing filling your ears with a piercing scratching sound. Your muscles knew where to strike before you could even process the rapid turns in front of your eyes.
You ducked under a spinning arm, driving your swords up in an arch.
Why were you taken off of the meeting with Expedition Command?
The arm fell to the ground. The force of slicing it off cramped your thumb, giving you another reason to scream and cry out as you slashed at the remaining dummies with reckless abandon.
Why did Erwin refuse to talk to you? If you let him continue, would he have demoted you like this?
The very thought of demotion made your blood boil, your rage launching you to conclusions and your swords in all directions. You weren’t even thinking about your swings anymore.
All these years following, pouring tea and making copies while Erwin wept over a woman he hardly made an effort to pursue? Turning down Hanji’s offer for a promotion within their ranks for this? For a man who never even saw you in the first place—?
An arm from one of the dummies hit you dead in the face. The velocity at which it spun ensured an instant and solid crack in your nose. You shrieked again as you felt a warm stream of blood pour from your face, your last strike sending the offending arm flying off into the forest. And with a final fit of rage, you sent your swords flying, too.
You dropped to your knees in the middle of the busted-up training circle, frustrated tears falling from your cheeks as you brushed your wild stray hairs from your face. You took a second to feel sorry for yourself and another to pop your nose back into place before you went to retrieve your swords. If you kept bleeding, you would reluctantly ride down to Trost to see a medic.
“You should really watch where you throw those things. You could’ve hurt someone.”
As if your day wasn’t bad enough…
“Leave me alone, Levi.”
You could have cried seeing him. Hell, you were crying anyway. Had it been anyone else standing at the edge of the training grounds with your swords, you might have snapped and wailed at them, too. Levi held a stoic expression on his face if not his usual frown. Not wanting to engage, you reloaded your grips with new swords from your sheath.
You turned back toward the training dummies, giving some half-assed swipes to the spinning arms. They didn’t rotate nearly as fast as they just were.
“People are looking for you.”
“Since when did you become an errand dog?” You spat, still refusing to look his way. Tears were still streaming down your face; no matter how you willed them to stop, they just kept coming. You heard Levi shift somewhere behind you.
“I dunno,” he answered, “When did you start sleeping with your boss?”
You whirled around instantly, eyes puffy and teeth clenched as your face contorted in barely restrained rage.
“I don’t! We aren’t—” you barked, the clasp where your swords fit into your grips clattering just slightly from the shake in your hands. You tugged out a portion of your shirt from under the straps on your shoulder to wipe away the wetness from your eyes. “Please, just leave me alone.”
Your newly attached swords dug into the ground adjacent to your feet, and with new tears came more swipes of your sleeve. With your vision so obscured, you didn’t even notice Levi approach you, the reins of his horse in one hand and yours in the other. The sudden appearance made you jump a bit. Levi had thrown your old swords into the dirt. He offered the reins to you again, holding out his arm.
“Let’s go.” His voice was low and soft. Your brow furrowed, your brain still in a fog. Levi spoke before you had a chance, almost reading your mind. “We’re not going back to headquarters.”
You collected yourself with no time to be embarrassed over your display of emotion. You didn’t know why you followed him. Rudderless, you didn’t know what else to do.
***
You tried your horses up between two narrow areas somewhere in Wall Sina. The thin pathway opened up to a broad, square area hidden between the tall buildings. The height of them made the ground below appear dark. Levi led you through the thin maze of alleys until you finally arrived at a slender, rock-faced building with a wooden door. The shudders were open, allowing sunlight to illuminate the wooden floorboards below your feet.
Looking around, you couldn’t tell what the establishment was. There was a bar, but nothing appeared to be behind it. Tables lined the sides of the room, but there weren’t enough to accommodate many customers for dining. A woman sat at one of them, a broom in one hand and a cigarette in the other. She made half-hearted attempts to blow her smoke out the open windows.
Levi exchanged a brief look with her before marching into a room behind the bar. You stepped into the center of the room, lining your feet up with the orb of light that reflected onto the center. You finally noticed how scuffed up your boots were.
Levi was back instantly, motioning for you to follow him up a set of stairs to the left of the bar. By the time you even reached the doorway, he had already managed to make it up two flights. Random items littered the landings, obscuring your path with folded tables, cases of liquor, and assorted cleaning products. You stared up the winding railings, jogging along quickly to follow.
The stairs led to the roof, where Levi was already sitting at a beat-up table for two. A few clotheslines sat behind him with linens blowing in the wind. A mixture of other assorted items was pushed off to the side. A table missing a leg sat upside down. A few broken lamps lay strewn across the rooftop, among other evidence of broken things abandoned. Levi had already poured wine into two tall-stemmed glasses.
You sat on the chair closest to the door, back tense and your bottom at the edge of the seat. Levi swirled the wine in his glass, an ankle slung across his opposite knee as he looked out across Sina. He didn’t speak, let alone acknowledge you. You took the wine in your hand, giving it a swish as he did before bringing it tentatively to your lips. To your surprise, you enjoyed the flavor.
“You didn’t think I’d choose a shitty wine, did you?” Levi lounged back on his slotted wooden chair.
“I just didn’t take you for one to drink, I guess.”
“Fair enough. I don’t make a habit of it.” He placed the glass back on the table with slender fingers. You still held yours, not knowing what to do with your hands. You stared down at it, and the various items littered the ground within your field of vision. You ignored your peripherals completely, avoiding having to look at Levi at all costs.
“You just drink nice wines whenever you please?” you asked absentmindedly, not really looking for an answer. He crossed his arms, adjusting how his shirt sat on his shoulders.
“I guess you could say I have an eye for quality.” You missed his lingering glance, letting the silence between you fester. Levi, all for silence on any given day, was unbothered for the most part. But for once, he wasn’t simply content to let the quiet pass him by. “You and Erwin are close, huh?”
“Please, I really don’t want to talk about this,” you groaned, squinting your eyes closed as you cringed to yourself.
“I don’t ask for my sake, believe me.” Levi played with the base of his wine glass, tracing the circular shape with the pad of his finger. “Who else are you going to talk to?”
The simple question struck you. He was right; you didn’t think you even had anyone else you could talk to about Erwin. There was Hanji, but as a fellow section commander, talking to them about personal matters might overstep some professional boundaries— not to mention if they decided to report Erwin’s abuse of power to the commander. Team Leader Miche didn’t seem to be the type to give the sort of advice you were looking for either.
“We knew each other as kids,” you found yourself blurting after another sip of wine. Levi settled farther into his chair, ready to listen. And he did, patiently drinking his wine as you told him all about how you first met, the holiday dinners, the day Erwin selected his branch, Marie, and the letters. He remained quiet for most of it, only interjecting occasionally to ask questions.
“Do you even want to be in the Scouts? Or is it just because of him?” he asked, somewhere between your recount of the celebration dinner and Erwin’s promotion to section commander. You had never thought of it before. You chose to join to be close to Erwin, and now, having spent almost your whole life in the service, you weren’t sure you could even make a distinction.
“I think in the beginning, it was because of him. And now that I’m good at what I do, I’m not sure where else I would go,” you sighed. “And if I’m good, then why change now, I guess.” Levi scoffed.
“That’s a poor reason.” His words made you chuckle.
“That’s exactly what Erwin said when I first told him I was going into the Cadet Corps…” you trailed off, the smile on your lips fading slowly. You found it funny: your best friend was giving you the cold shoulder; meanwhile, you were venting your frustrations to the man who was sent just a month ago to assassinate him. You kept talking until there was nothing left to talk about. “I don’t know when I fell for him.”
“Well, you’ve always been in love with him. I’ve barely known you for that long, and even I can tell that much.” You nodded along, trying not to take his words as a blow to your pride. You accidentally met his eye. “And I assure you in no uncertain terms that Erwin has been very aware of that, too.” You cringed again.
“You think so?” You buried your face in another drink from your glass.
“Do I think you’ve been breadcrumbed along by an emotionally unavailable jackass so he has an emotional support blankie? Yeah, I do think so.” Every word struck you through the chest. Levi frowned as deeply as ever, a genuine frustration painted on his brow. You wondered if it was your naivety that made him so angry.
“I wouldn’t say I’m in love with him,” you said, only partially convinced yourself. Levi didn’t even humor you with a response.
“Hm.” He stood, empty glass in his hand, as he stretched out his lower back. “I’m going to give you my unsolicited advice, but I’m only going to say it once.” Levi turned to face you as you still sat. His head blocked the sun perfectly from your eyes, a halo of sunbeams shooting out from his short strains of black hair. “If you’re going to stay, at least stay for a good reason. Not because of some schmuck who can’t make up his mind.”
He held his hand out to you, not making a show of doing so. You took it.
“Wow, Levi, who knew you could be so soft?”
“Tch, remind me never to try to help you again.”
***
You thought about what Levi said almost religiously in the days leading up to the next expedition. And as your administrative responsibilities gradually dwindled, you had much more downtime.
Erwin only spoke to you when necessary, and even then, his words were far more sparing than they needed to be. The passive comments should have hurt more than they did, but your racing thoughts only served as a shield to numb the dull ache in your chest.
A week until the next expedition turned into days and then a singular day. All the while, Erwin remained your section commander and nothing more.
The last meeting had adjourned. Commander Shadis had called a gathering of the four section commanders and their team leaders, as was usual before expeditions. Erwin had departed quickly, speaking urgently to various other officers on his way out. He avoided you expertly, ensuring you didn’t have an opportunity to approach him after the discussions. As he made his way briskly down the hall to his office, he heaved a light sigh, he too wrapped up in his thoughts.
He tugged open the door to his office only to find you already sitting behind his desk. Erwin couldn’t help his pause and the apparent surprise on his face, but he didn’t let the expression linger long.
“Can I help you, Team Leader?” He regarded you formally and coldly. You frowned, standing to shrug off your jacket. You folded it so the crest didn’t show before tossing it across the width of Erwin’s wooden desk.
“I’m not coming to you as a team leader, Erwin.” You tried to not let your shaking show, equal parts of you mortified and invigorated by your audacity to gatekeep a section commander’s desk. Judging by the steepening frown on Erwin’s lip, he had little patience for it. “You’ve been avoiding me.”
“Things have been busy.”
“None more than usual.” You matched his frown. “You’ve been avoiding me.”
“I heard you the first time, Team Leader.”
You didn’t imagine Erwin would openly converse with you so easily, but you also didn’t expect his outright icy refusal. You had never made Erwin angry before; in fact, you didn’t think you could recall a time that you weren’t in his good graces. Now, as you stood in direct defiance of his passive-aggressive avoidance of you, you felt shaken to the core and tried not to let it show.
“You still want to talk about work? Fine.” You sat back down in the chair behind Erwin’s desk, the joints at the base shifting. It felt unnatural here with him across the room where you usually stood. “It’s in poor taste to come onto your subordinates, Section Commander.”
“And yet, that’s not the part you have an issue with.”
He studied you for a moment, and with reluctance, he tugged off his own uniform jacket, throwing it on the leather couch to his side. Erwin squared back his shoulders, unconsciously adjusting how his clothes sat under his uniform straps as his arms coiled over his broad chest. Yes, he had grown significantly over the years and had the sculpted muscles to show for his decade of ODM training.
“It was unprofessional.”
“Cut the crap; you made it clear that isn’t what we’re talking about right now, so stop pulling your punches.” He spoke as levelly as ever, the most calculated bite in his voice so as to not give away his seething frustration.
“You seemed happy to see Marie again.” Your voice began softly, slowly gaining momentum as you continued. Your voice was starting to shake, forecasting your incoming tears. “Then you had the audacity to drink yourself stupid and crawl to my doorstep, and only when you knew you couldn’t have her did you even look at me.”
Erwin said nothing as he stared forward with a hard, sunken face. He didn’t sit, perhaps in the same way you couldn’t will yourself to stand.
“Is that it?” he spat disapprovingly, almost bored. Your resolve wavered with just three words, him perceiving you as childish, as he seemed to typically do.
“Is that it?” You repeated, aghast. “Did you just ask me, is that it?”
“You’re impeding me from my work because you’re jealous.”
“Of course I’m jealous!” You jerked forward in the chair, hardly realizing the tending of your legs and the curt gesturing of your hands. “And how dare you try to diminish that. When you’ve known this whole time how I’ve felt about you.” You didn’t even try to hide your open sobbing. “Because you knew, and you never felt the same.”
“Hung up on things that don’t matter.”
Your parted lips revealed clenched teeth as you continued to shamelessly meet his eye.
“I would have followed you to hell and back, and I have—”
“And so has every other soldier under my command—”
“I’m not just a soldier under your command, Erwin!” A clap of silence overtook his office. Erwin’s back faced towards you as he aggressively rubbed at the back of his neck. You were standing out of your seat now, hands on the surface of his desk. “We’re friends—” You wiped the stream of wetness from your cheeks.
Erwin heaved a deep, low breath, the sound heavy enough to fill the air.
“Things are different now.” He was struggling, but he kept it together better than you were.
“You had a place at my dining table for years. You knew how to work the register at the shop.”
“Things are different than back then.”
“Are they?” you asked bitterly. You held your hands together as if in prayer, resting your forehead against them. “When did they change? Because I—”
You were cut off by the exasperated sound of your name. And by the time Erwin turned around, his face was red, frustrated, and puffy. A few strands of golden hair hung over his forehead as he looped a thumb in his belt.
“Things are different in the service. It’s why I couldn’t be with her, and it’s not different with you! We are here to serve and die— there is no other way out— and I need you to understand that!” He was shouting, screaming. Erwin leaned slightly toward you, one leg in front of him. “You don’t understand how instantaneously you could be taken from me! No, you didn’t understand when you joined the Cadet Corps, and you don’t understand now!”
You were both a mess, physically worn, and voices hoarse from yelling. You had drenched Erwin’s desk. You stared down at the puddle of tears, the hem of your jacket in your watery sight.
“I joined the Survey Corps for you. To be with you.”
Erwin strode to the door with what looked to be a shake of his head. In an instant, you were around his desk, running after him as you usually did, but you weren’t quick enough.
“We all have our own reasons for being here. You’ll find a better one.”
He shut the door in your face.
***
It felt dull for an expedition day.
Exhaustion tugged on your eyes. Having had poor sleep the night before, you woke up two hours earlier than you needed. The gathering of horses outside the gates, waiting for them to be heaved open, made you antsy. The looming dread felt akin to the moments before an exam when you were back in the Cadet Corps.
But you didn’t have time to reminisce, as in an instant, you were off through the gates, then across the plains. The pop of smoke guns was the only thing anchoring you to reality, as even the harsh rhythm of your horse couldn’t quite pull you out of your haze.
The formation held as you crossed the land, making it into the forest and just past the point you had roughly achieved the last expedition. That in itself would garner the expedition as a success. Even despite potential casualties, it would hold weight in justifying further funding.
But the luck you had in conquering your titan encounters soon ended as the entire formation was flanked, and everything was plunged into chaos. As the formation broke, the field was filled with screams and the whinnying of horses.
Commander Shadis always kept Erwin close, an in turn, only Erwin’s teams remained close to the center of the unit. No one died in Erwin’s squads. You rode along, torso close to the back of your horse to avoid being hit by flying debris.
The retreat had begun.
“Team Leader, look out!”
You didn’t hear it in time. A tremendous hand flew out of nowhere, smacking your horse from under you and crushing your right leg. Your vision became a jumbled mess of earth, animal, and blood as you were sent rolling across the field, jumped over by other retreating soldiers. You shot up immediately but were forced back to the ground before you could even stand. Your leg was bent at an unnatural angle, the worst of it hidden under the cloth of your uniform pants.
A titan loomed overhead, it’s shadow eclipsing you as you sat helplessly on the ground. You turned in the direction of the retreating soldiers. Time seemed to slow as you met Erwin’s eyes.
He had only turned to look over his shoulder for a moment. You saw as his lips parted in terror. You watched as he began to veer his horse to turn back, the strands of her mane moving with the motion of her pivoting head. She whinnied loudly over the sound of gore and battle as she fought against him to run as fast as she could away from the man-eating titans, with or without her rider aboard. All within a matter of milliseconds.
He could see it all in your wide eyes.
The very last things he said to you swarmed him all at once.
Then, a spray of blood. A slide to the straps holding your sheaths.
The hand that reached out to you fell to the ground. The titan fell forward, and before you were crushed, an arm wrapped uncomfortably around your ribs and pulled you to safety. You were dizzy. The rhythmic thumping of another horse continued to rattle your brain as you were splayed uncomfortably across the back just above the front legs. You tried to pull yourself up to look around, but a hand forced your head down.
“Levi?”
“Shut up and keep your head down.”
Yeah, it was Levi.
***
You were taken to the infirmary as soon as you returned from the expedition. You spent the night there, and when Levi wasn’t out doing his duties as a soldier or getting you food, he was with you. He was sitting next to you reading a book when Commander Shadis knocked on the door to your room.
You tried to salute him.
“You’re injured, soldier. Don’t strain yourself.”
He stood in the center of the small room, subtly looking for a place to sit. You made wordless eye contact with Levi, and with a small grunt of effort, he stood and took his leave. Commander Shadis took his seat.
“Am I in trouble, Commander?” you asked nervously, shifting up on your pillows.
“No, no, nothing of that sort,” he assured you, reaching into his jacket pocket to pull out a few folded pages. You thought you recognized the writing on them. He stopped quirking an eyebrow at you. “Unless there is, of course, trouble that you’ve gotten yourself into that you’d like to report, Team Leader.”
“Not at all.” You let out a breathy laugh. “You just look like you’re here on business. I guess I was just a bit—”
“Nervous?” Shadis interjected, his shoulders bobbing as he chuckled to himself. “My commander just about scared the living crap out of me when I was a soldier. But I’m not here to reminisce.” Shadis unfolded the papers, and as he laid them at the edge of your bed, you realized that the writing was yours.
“I am here to offer you the position of section commander.” You could only describe the expression he wore as proud. “I’m just sorry the proposal isn’t more formal, but what can you do in this line of work?” You gaped at him, still trying to piece together what he said in your mind and how he obtained your notes.
“Maybe this is shooting myself in the foot, Commander, but—” You knitted your brow at him. —“I didn’t think my performance has been all that impressive. Team Leader Zacharius—”
“Has already been offered the other position,” Shadis interrupted. The corner of his lip twitched downward in a skeptical pout. You supposed you both felt as if you were missing a piece of information. “Section Commander Smith put in a glowing recommendation for you in addition to these. He and I believe you could live up to your potential best out from under his command.”
“Section Commander Smith wants to get rid of me,” you jested, a convincing smile on your face as you pondered over what was said in Erwin’s meeting with Shadis.
“On the contrary, I’d say he’s reluctant to see you leave. Or at least that was the impression I received.” Shadis rested an ankle over his knee as he sat back in the flimsy hospital chair. “Section Commander Smith was adamant about your abilities, both on the field and in this secret hobby you’ve been keeping.” He gestured to the pages he brought, taking them in his hands. “If I had to scold you for one thing, it is that you’ve done us all a disservice for not bringing these forward.”
“I sincerely apologize, Commander.”
“But myself and Section Commander Smith have done a greater disservice by not seeing this brilliance, not fostering it, sooner.” Shadis gathered the pages together and placed them on your bedside table, eyeing the rest of the pages Levi had brought for you to keep busy. He turned back to you, hands clasped between his knees as he leaned forward. “What do you say, Team Leader?”
Your voice stalled in your throat.
“I don’t even know if any of those will make a difference on the field.”
“Have you not been helping Levi Ackerman on his reverse-hold technique? He took out ten titans alone during this past expedition.”
“I feel that should be attributed to Levi’s— I mean, Ackerman’s— prowess rather than anything I did.” Shadis sat, staring at you as a growing disappointment clouded his face. You averted your eyes. “And Section Commander Smith saw his talent and recruited him in the first place.” Shadis said nothing, only heaving out a steady sigh. You sat in silence for a beat. “I’m sorry if you’ve been deceived into thinking my abilities are greater than they are. I don’t want to deceive you further.”
Shadis sighed again, standing.
“The only one who’s been deceived is you,” he hummed. “I would very much like the opportunity to invest in your skills, but I am not about to take a chance on someone who doesn’t even believe in themselves, you understand me?” You watched the crest on his back as he approached the door. “I will leave you to think about it.”
***
When you were finally released, Levi helped you to your apartment. He didn’t allow you to do a thing.
“Hey! What did I say about getting up on your own?” He scolded from the kitchen. Something that smelled good bubbled on the stove behind him, filling the immediate area with steam. You smelled the air, ready to take guesses at what he was cooking. Levi stopped in the middle of chopping something on a cutting board with rigor to shoot you a pointed glare.
“I have to get used to the crutches eventually. Don’t you think it’s been long enough?” You hobbled out of your bedroom, content just to be out of bed. Levi frowned, eyeing you for any hint of a tumble. A cotton apron hung around his neck, another item he had fished out from the depths of your kitchen cabinets. He put the knife down on the cutting board but remained where he stood.
“Tch, says you and your shitty perception of time.”
Just as you were about to sit at the dining room table to watch Levi work some more, a knock came at your front door. Something rang out in your chest as soon as you heard it. Evidenced by nothing, you already knew who it was. Levi turned to rinse off his hands in the sink.
“I got it.”
“No, wait,” you interjected swiftly, and, to your surprise, Levi stopped. He offered you a questioning look, but you were already hobbling forward. You smiled at him reassuringly. “I’ll be alright. Gotta get used to the crutches, remember?” He let you move forward, returning to the kitchen as you shouted to the visitor on your doorstep.
And as you expected, Erwin Smith stood at your door. You stood in the doorway, leaving the entrance just ajar enough to accommodate your form.
“Uh, hi,” he said breathlessly, and just like that, you were twelve and working at your family’s bookshop again. You didn’t think you’d ever see a day where Erwin would be nervous to talk to you, yet all you had to do was look at your doormat.
“Are you done giving me the cold shoulder?” You quirked a brow, and Erwin let out another deep sigh in response. A surrender.
“I’m sorry. I know I’m the last person you probably want to see.” He glanced over your shoulder, spotting Levi cooking in the background. You couldn’t see the glower that Levi shot Erwin from behind his bangs. Erwin turned his attention back toward you. “And I won’t keep you. I just wanted to make sure you were alright.”
“I’m alright,” you assured him with a nod. “It wasn’t as bad as they thought it was. I might miss the next scheduled expedition, but Commander Shadis said we could find ways to work around it.” Erwin perked up, his thick eyebrows shooting up on his forehead.
“You already spoke to Commander Shadis?”
“He offered me the rank of section commander.” Erwin’s eyes lit up with his warm smile as he shifted his weight.
“Very good, you deserve it. I know you’ll make an excellent section commander. No one deserves it more than you.” You leaned against the doorway, amused at his feigning ignorance. You couldn’t help your smug expression as you gave in to your temptation to burst his bubble.
“He told me you put in a golden recommendation.”
“He did, did he?” Erwin shook his head, blond lashes fluttering shut as he deflated just slightly. Outmanuvering him wasn’t something that happened often, but it sure as hell was a wonderful feeling. “And so I did.” But even in his defeat, he continued to hold sentiment in his reflective, blue eyes.
“I’m telling him that I accept tomorrow.”
“Well, in that case, let me be the first to congratulate you, Section Commander.”” Erwin pulled a bouquet of red flowers out from behind his back, holding them up to offer to you. You hadn’t even noticed he was even holding them. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I look forward to working with you as your peer and earning your trust in me.”
You looked to him, then to the bouquet. With a plucking of your fingers, you withdrew a single flower from the middle. You made the motion awkwardly, balancing your second crutch under your elbow as you shifted your weight uncomfortably.
“I look forward to that…” You waggled your eyebrows. “Section Commander.” Erwin’s mouth formed a thin-lipped smile. He gave you a nod.
“Section Commander.”
You shut the door without a single insect entering your apartment.
Just in time for dinner.
Thank you to all who liked, reblogged, followed, and supported. Your support means so much and is greatly appreciated.
Writer's Notes: I thought it was fun to write Erwin of all people as that one kid who teaches you things you "shouldn't know" because he's just doing it all by accident.
This fic drew heavy inspiration from "The Imitation Game," in a way. I had always wanted to write a fic that mirrored the scene when Alan wanted to give his love letter to Christopher or something where Erwin was an upperclassman-like figure. It's probably not detectable in the actual fic, but I did go back and watch some of Alan Turing's early life scenes. Weird, considering I only watched the movie once when it first came out.
Please, I encourage you to write complex notes in the replies, reblogs, or inbox. Please. I beg of you.
𓇻 ft. jealous mikasa x gn reader.
𓇻 au. friends to lovers, can be read as modern or canon setting. you've agreed to run a kissing booth. Mikasa is, oddly enough, not as receptive to this idea as you are.
𓇻 enjoy! feel free to like, share, reblog or send in asks!
read on ao3! - masterlist - join the taglist!
Hearing that one syllable, you let out a slow, resigned sigh. Mikasa stood to your right, brows knitted together, mouth pulled tight into a thin line. Your own eyebrows raised, unperturbed.
"It's not really your decision, Mikasa."
It really wasn't; nor was it any of her business. Mikasa had always been tight-lipped and serious, dutiful to her own responsibilities. You'd think she'd have taken a shine to your own iniative. Everyone knew how badly your division needed the funds. As juvenile as it was, a kissing booth seemed reasonable. Especially with the festivities. Rather, not too long ago, Mikasa had been put in a similar position- though far less willing.
Even now, you could recall how she looked at the Christmas party a few months back. How her pale skin lit under the festive hues, greens and reds dancing over her cheeks. How she stood standing beneath the archway, brows knitted just as they were now. Dressed in sleek black pants, white blouse that fit her broad shoulders, glass in hand.
You weren't sure whether Jean or Mikasa had been more disappointed when they caught each other under the mistletoe.
She has that same look now, barely concealed disgust curling at her mouth, lurking in the dark grey of her eyes. Which for anyone else looking at her, was scarce more than a shadow around the corner of her lips.
"It's for a good cause." You shrugged, nonchalant and almost irritated by her reaction. Mikasa stood for a moment - never hovered, indecision was never something she did-- with eyes half-lidded and narrow in thought.
"Then I'll match it. Every donation," she said firmly, taking another step forward. Her hand rest low at your elbow, grip insistent. Warmth seeped through the fine linen of your shirt, fingers curled sharp over the dip of your arm.
You've been privy to Mikasa's protective ways, how she coddled Armin and Eren at every turn. Rarely she's turned it on you - and right now it was stifling. With a careful twist, you pulled your arm free, grip still firm on the consent papers you were asked to sign.
"It's not a big deal," you countered, a creep of annoyance crawled in and made a home in your tone. Mikasa's mouth twitched, dark eyebrows lowered over an equally dark expression.
"I see. Then you'll understand it's not a big deal when I spend my time at the booth." Mikasa's voice held firm, her gaze even more level when you turned. There was no room to brooker a disagreement; everyone knew how stubborn the Ackermans were, wielding ferocity in their bloods. Just as they held intimidation in their gaze.
With her brooding at the stand, you'd lose a great deal of customers. Nevermind the ones who specifically came to see her.
Stifled under her steely gaze, you turned away, expression twisted with a grimace. "Mikasa. Be serious. Most of the donors will be there for either you or Levi." Her presence at your side remained, every line of her body rigid and terse. You tacked on, willing for a low blow, "The Azumabito Clan will be there."
Finally, after an eternity, she turned her face away, cheek exposed. Wisps of hair fell across her cheek, shrouded her expression from view. Even from the corner of your eyes, you watched her, how the muscles in her jaw flexed, tense with the improper weight of this situation.
The memory of the Christmas party lingered; the fleeting kiss under the archway. How not once did her look shift, even when Jean pulled away, an equal grimace on his face. Not when Sasha bumped into her, cheeks rosy under the temptation of drink. Not when Eren or Levi avoided the archway like a plague while Mikasa stood vigil, totally not conspicious at all. Not even when her gaze once caught yours, too fleeting to be anything meaningful when you turned to enjoy the cheer.
At first you had admired her resolve and after a while it had been just sad. Even worse when her knuckles ghosted over the fabric of your shirt when you passed through. By then, it had been Floch who stood awkwardly there, in a futile attempt to weasel out of a kiss - even when at the time, all you had wanted to do was the feel the gloss of Mikasa's lips, her breath on your skin.
It was hard not to be bitter that night and even more bitter now, especially when it shouldn't matter to her.
Tongue pressed to the inside of your cheek, your next inhale was sharp and through your nose. Papers crinkled under your grip, freshly inked words smeared across your palm. You couldn't find yourself to care, not when Mikasa stood firm to the one thing that might, heaven forbid, not only let you help out your career but get over her.
After a moment, Mikasa's words returned, nearly as firm as the grip of her own knuckles, arms stiff at her side. Even frustrated, she was pretty, righteous in her cold fury. "I don't want to be there for them. They doesn't matter to me." Her eyes cut towards you, lines smoothed from her face.
The scent of perfume, sweat and hay became pronounced as she stepped towards you. As tall and broad as she was, she nearly cut an imposing figure. Shoulders angled forward, insistent in the tear of her gaze. A familiar glint of determination roosted in her eyes. This close, you could feel the ghost of her bodyheat as her fingertips brushed over your hip.
This close, it's impossible not to feel your heart freeze in your chest, how it skittered under the intensity of her gaze. You can't focus on anything but the shift of her palm over your body, the act familiar and intimate. When you swallow harshly, Mikasa's dark eyes flicked down, traced over the swell of your throat.
"If I attend, it will be for you." Her eyes traced over the lines of your face, from your eyes, down the slope of your nose and, impossibly, lingered on your mouth. "I don't want you kissing anyone else."
Her grip tightened, firm on your hip. "Not unless you want to."
All you can do is stare into her eyes, pools of intense and focused grey framed by thick, dark lashes. This close, you could spot the sun freckles that curved over her cheekbones and bridge of her nose. She meant it, you realized. Meant it with the same passion and conviction she used in every other aspect of her life.
Her gaze wavered and darted between your eyes. Your foot is nudged by the toe of her boot. Slowly, by fractions, her grip on your hip lessened before it left altogether. Phantom warmth lingered and for a moment, you could breathe again.
"And if that's what you want," she continued in a low tone. Her chest rose slightly, breathing deep and eyes unfathomably dark. Mikasa's gaze cut down this time, past your jaw, expression slowly knit together - guarded. "Then I won't bring it up again."
It takes another longer, tense moment to finally remember how to breathe. Your eyes caught on the curve of her face, cheeks darker now with - embarrassment? Want? With a harsh swallow, you asked, "You want to kiss me?"
Immediately, she nodded, chin tucked down and strands of black hair fell across her clear forehead. There's no shame in her expression, though the knuckles in her hands pop white, fingers curled inward. Then, as unfathomable as it is, you realize with a start that Mikasa was blushing - that the dark hue that coloured the base of her neck was the start of a flush.
It's not hard to think then, of every moment that lead to this. Of knuckles that brushed over paperwork, how close she stood at your back when she corrected your training stance. Each lingered gaze over books, how her expression eased by fractions every time you two spoke. Then, unwittingly, how her hand felt on the inside of your arm as you side-stepped her from under the mistletoe.
Had she been waiting for you there?
You breathe again with a starlight explosion in your chest. She liked you. Out of everyone that she knew, everyone who vyed for her attention - it was you that turned her head.
Heat washed up the length of your neck. It felt like your heart reacted faster to this realization than your mind could: it skipped a few beats and thundered in your chest.
Mikasa wanted to kiss you. She had been willing to spend her resources, as limited as they were, to actually get a chance to kiss you. That Mikasa didn't want to choose any other kissing booth over yours.
"Yes!" It's a single word spoken in a rush, air hot and thick in your throat. Reflectively, your fingers clenched and a low papery crunch sounded. Though her eyes remained on you, eyebrows hung low. Then the corners of her lips pulled into a frown and almond eyes squinted.
"...Okay."
With a start, you recalled the last words she had offered you. "Wait," you get out in a rush. A beat passed- one where you hesitated, papers in hand. Then it's got in the next and you shove the forms into your bag for later. You'll decide what role you'll want in the kissing booth after this.
"Wait, I meant yes, I want that. To kiss you, I mean."
It's a near instant reaction, her perception zeroing in on your baited breath, the sincerity in your voice. Tension smoothed out of her forehead, lines gone from around her mouth, each breath steady as it always was. And she stood, as she always did, with her body angled in your direction, in orbit around you.
"Yes?" She repeated, soft and low. Mikasa's expression shifted when you said it again. Then, when your fingertips traced over lax knuckles, tapped to the edge of her palm, she responded in kind, hand turned to let you lace your fingers together.
Noses bumped together as you leaned in, drawn in her orbit now, caught in the current that was all Mikasa Ackerman. Mint rolled over your face with each exhale. Strands of black velvety hair fell across your face.
'Vulnerable'. It's a strange word to apply to someone like her, even in a situation like this. But it's the one that twitched in your throat. Because that's what she is, in a moment like this. Exposed. How a smile overtook her face all at once, radiant and beautiful, her eyes no less intense but honest. This is a side that you've only glimpsed at, have seen or heard in dark candlelit libraries or under starblessed skies. This is the side of Mikasa reserved for you.
Then your breath was on her lips, air warmer than your face. Soft, plush lips brushed over yours, a little dry but not unpleasant. Nice, actually, especially in the instant when she breathed out a 'hm' against your mouth as your hands rested over her waist. This time, you guided her like she once did you.
Then her hands settled over your skin, over your waist and the dip of your shoulder, grounded you to her. Calloused fingertips felt like home. She kissed like she's never been kissed before, like all the tension that had ground up between you settled into this one moment.
There's a thousand currents that thundered through your brain, insistent and fast. All that numbed to one pinpoint: the brush of her lips against yours, insistent tug against your hip, her warm breath across your face. To feel her skin against yours, to know that nobody else would have this. That she wanted you.
And the resounding electric current under your skin that whispered, it had always been her.
For the both of you, this moment would exist forever.
i cant stop thinking about slightly wet!levi like i want to press up against him and smother him and grab at his hair and - a;sldkfja;sldkfj
full credit to @luvjiro!!!! they provided the idea and a good amount of the actual writing and exposition, all i did was stitch some of it together ♡
The Short King | Modern!AU Fluff Oneshot
✧ word count ➼ 1.8k
✧ notes ➼ modern!au, levi fluff, suggest ending, gn!reader (i think, if i made any fem references pls lmk), roommates!au, very lightly proofread because i'm currently in class lmao
Levi Ackermann was the short king of your life and single-handedly existed as your worst crush that you had experienced in a decade. Crushes were harmless, but not when they’re cohabitating with you. He never gave you the satisfaction of a proper conversation, let alone provide you with any opportunity to chat about anything more intimate. Your feelings only grew stronger the more he denied you any opportunity to interact with him. You remember him once looking at you in utter horror when you tried to tuck a strand of his hair behind his ear.
Thus, cohabitating with him was literally your worst nightmare.
Being unable to handle this unresolved tension, you had elected to stay a few nights at your brothers while Levi figured out some stuff regarding your shared apartment. Choosing him as a roommate was a big mistake. Not telling your brother the true reason as to why you were not staying at your own apartment was an even bigger one.
You had not been informed about Levi spending the night at your brother’s, so you were completely caught off-guard when you found Levi Ackermann in the kitchen, completely shirtless while casually brewing his tea. You had come out in your towel after showering, so you immediately froze in place, begging in your mind that he hadn’t seen you yet.
“I want that report done and sent to the client today,” he said in an irritated tone into his phone. “If there is another fuck-up, consider yourself fired.”
Even while riled up, he was calm and cold. That—added onto his rough, morning voice—made you feel like you had literally walked into heaven.
“Shit,” Levi suddenly said, glancing over towards you, finally noticing your presence. “Sorry, I didn’t see you there.”
He found himself startled by your statuary presence and ogling eyes. You did not know who was more shocked—you seeing him shirtless or him seeing you in a towel standing in front of him. Your mind immediately started crawling into places that you couldn’t admit to without sacrificing your dignity.
“_____?” Levi called out your name, concerned with your lack of a response.
You were completely zoned out. You had not expected to see him shirtless around the house.
Levi Ackermann was a modest man, so much so that he rarely used his words, usually simply humming, nodding, or gesturing. You simply stood there, taking in the masterpiece that was standing before you. You stared blankly at his veiny arms—which were always shown off when he rolled up his sleeves—his unbelievably small torso supporting his beautiful, broad back, and his chest that looked like it was crafted perfectly from stonework. You had previously imagined what was underneath his clothing, but this was beyond what you had expected. As your eyes traveled further down, you were ripped out of your fantasizing when you heard him sharply call out your name.
He snapped you out of your thoughts as he grabbed his shirt and put it on, weaving the buttons of the soft fabric into the slots on the other side of the shirt to button it up, woefully interrupting the pleasant sight that essentially had you drooling. You were tempted to ask him to button it up a bit slower to let your fantasizing continue.
“Do you want some tea?” he asked.
It took you a second to respond.
“Y-Yes,” you said, slightly stuttering due to your amped up nerves. You felt your hands get cold and clammy from anxiety and frustrated thoughts ran through your head over why you were even feeling anxious. You’ve played it cool for months, but all of that composure and masking was nowhere to be found.
Your entire body felt cold, as if your blood stopped flowing. It wasn’t until you began walking and felt yourself holding the towel wrapped around you that you noticed that your shivering had nothing to do with anxiety or nervousness. You were dripping in water from head to toe, having just come out of the shower.
It was even worse when you remembered that you were completely wrapped in a towel with no clothes on underneath.
He placed the cup towards your end of the table, his indifferent eyes traveling up to yours. He didn’t seem to mind the fact that you were standing half-naked in front of him. He hummed and sat by the table, reading the newspaper and sipping at that bitter tea.
You couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed at his lack of a reaction. You had seen him and immediately began fantasizing, but it seemed like he couldn’t be bothered to care. Whether you were clothed or not had no effect on him.
Defeated, you lifted the mug and marched back towards your room.
“I’m going to get changed,” you mumbled as you shot a forced, half-hearted smile at him. “And I guess good morning to you too, Levi.”
~~~~~
When you finally came back out after lazily throwing on a loose t-shirt and shorts, you noticed that Levi was no longer in the kitchen and that the shower was running. You pulled at your shirt, having thrown it on without completely drying yourself. Your hair was still slightly wet since you completely forgot to dry it after that unexpected run-in with Levi.
By the time he came back out, you were already in the kitchen, having started the stove so that you could make yourself some scrambled eggs for breakfast. You opened the drawer to find a whisk to beat up the eggs and frowned upon seeing none. The dishes had been piling up from the past two days in the sink, untouched, and you were finally running out of utensils to use.
As if reading your mind, you heard him sigh as he turned on the faucet. You shot him a glare as he started doing the dishes. You had run to your brother’s to avoid being in the same space as him, but even that wasn’t enough to get rid of him. You had hoped he would shower and then leave, doing whatever it is that he needed to do, but that clearly was not his intention.
Your facial features softened and you watched as his short, wet hair stuck to his forehead with tiny trinkets of water falling off him into the sink, with his face completely relaxed. He stood so close to you that you could smell him. It was a mix of earthy scents, like wood, bourbon, and aftershave. Your gaze traveled to his beautiful arms, with his rolled-up sleeves revealing the protruded veins as he lathered the dish soap over the plates.
You silently wished to yourself that you were one of those plates that were being held and caressed by him.
You never thought there would come the day in which you were envious of a plate.
“Your eggs are burning,” Levi said in a low tone.
You hummed senselessly.
Seeing that you weren’t moving, Levi clicked his tongue and quickly jerked you to the side, hovering over your side as he turned the stove off.
“Tch, where is your attention at, _____?” he asked you as he frowned, looking straight into your eyes.
“I-I…” you began stuttering nervously, looking away, unable to ignore the feeling of his hand on your waist, which was still damp due to him doing the dishes. Your cheeks began to heat up due to close proximity. You couldn’t take your mind off of his hand that felt like it was stuck to your waist. You felt yourself wanting to push yourself closer against him, as your unspoken affection for each other gradually transitioned into unresolved sexual tension.
“Just be careful.”
It took you a little bit to remember that he was talking about the eggs.
You felt your heart pound harder and harder as he finally moved to step away to resume lathering the dishes that you continued to wish was your body, instead.
Fuck it.
With that thought, you grabbed at his arm, turning him around, before crashing his lips against yours. You couldn’t help but feel the sweetness of the kiss. Your hands made your way around the collar of his shirt, pulling him towards you while you pushed yourself against him. Your body weight started shifting over him as he held your waist.
When you finally pulled away, you felt your blood run cold as you realized that he hadn’t moved a muscle. He didn’t move away from you but he didn’t move towards you either. You began to immediately pull away as you realized that you had overstepped, and acted based on unreciprocated feelings.
However, before you could fully detach from him, he placed one of his hands on the small of your back as he connected his lips with yours again. You quickly returned the kiss as it gradually deepened and you felt yourself actively pressing yourself up against him, trying to touch every inch of him.
Losing himself in your embrace, he caressed you by the hem of your t-shirt. His thumbs stroked your pelvic bone, with your clothing lifting from the friction. His fingers barely brushed at your skin, making you shiver in anticipation for him to embrace you further.
A low moan escaped your lips as you parted. Heavy breaths had filled the space between you. Everything else had come to a still, with only quiet breathing and the faint beating of your hearts surrounding you.
He placed his forehead against yours as he shut his eyes to take in this moment. You had both come out of the shower relatively recently, so he couldn’t tell if his elevated body heat was due to the residual heat from the shower or if it was because you were pressed up against him.
Before long, you had pulled him back into a deep kiss, pushing against him with such force that he had to use his other hand to hold himself up against the counter. You continued twisting against him until he was fully backed up against the counter as your hands traveled from the collar of his shirt and down his torso, with your touch pausing as your hands grazed over his chest down to his abs, with your fingers grabbing at the bottom of his shirt as your hands approached his hips.
His grip on you grew tighter and you felt yourself continue to heat up as he placed his hands on your back, following your movements, having his hands travel down your back before slightly pushing his hips forward towards you.
He removed his lips from yours as he began planting deep and rough kisses down your neck, causing unstable, quiet moans to escape from your lips and unsteady breathing from his in between the kisses. All of the pent up energy that the both of you had harbored for weeks currently translated into the ways your bodies were moving against each other.
Needless to say, those burnt eggs were never attended to, with your attention focused on only the sight, smell, and touch of Levi Ackermann up against you.
A/N: sorry for weird ending i clearly dont specialize in anything smut-related LMAO
tagging (i really suck at this lol): @romantichomicide95 @lovolee3 @svftackerman @levisbrat25 @leviismybby @levis-squishy-cheeks @roseofdarknessblog @anviacker
Summary: (Y/N) has found a way to put an end to the war, but now has to carry a heavy burden on her shoulders. Seeing her in this state, Zeke helped his wife by reminding her what they are fighting for.
Word Count: 7.4K
Warnings: Angst. SPOILERS for the Final Season. Mild insults and language. Racism (Marleyan/Eldian). Deception. Fighting.
Gif credits: @anyadarkseid
~~~
Year 854
One Month Later After Arrival
Since the war started, Zeke has been dreading to wake up in the early hours of the morning. He hated waking up just to repeat the same cycle of violence and then go to bed with the cries/moans of the injured filling the air. The only time he had some respite during the night was when he took out the only memento of home to gaze upon.
It was a picture of (Y/N) with Kaito in her arms.
The photograph was old -almost two years old- and it had seen better days but Zeke made sure no creases or wrinkles touched his family. And while the photograph was void of any color, he can still imagine that lovely shade of (E/C) that he admired so much. Then there was Kaito. His smile was frozen in time but it was the kind of smile that left an impression on him. The same can be said with his laugh. Kaito had a cute, happy laugh that could just melt any person’s heart. Before the war, he loved making the little toddler laugh. It always felt like a small victory whenever he did.
But for the last month, Zeke rarely took out the photograph. Sure, on the nights when he missed Kaito he pulled out the small piece of film. However, the same can’t be said for his wife.
He no longer needed to gaze upon a photograph to see her because (Y/N) was right next to him, sleeping soundly in his bed. Her hands were clapped together underneath her head. Her hair decorated the pillow with her (H/C) locks in such an artistic manner, almost as if she’s making herself more beautiful on purpose. Her expression was one of peace. Her soft breathing filled the quiet room. Her bare feet were warm against his underneath the covers.
Ever since her arrival, Zeke now appreciated these early hours. It was his favorite time of day. He felt strangely safe every time he was with her. She didn’t have to do or say anything but her presence was just that comforting. She was the definition of a solace.
And any moment now, (Y/N) will wake up and the reality of their situation will once more fall upon their shoulders.
One month ago, (Y/N) asked -well more like interrogated- him about the future. She had that determined glint in her eyes when she did so. Zeke understood her frustration. He would be mad too if she was hiding something important. However, he knew he had to keep the euthanization plan a secret from her. At least until the time is right. But with every morning that passed by, Zeke couldn’t help but recall the memory of their fight and wondered: Had he made the right choice?
Flashback to One Month Ago
“A serious talk? About what?” Zeke asked.
“The future.”
“Ah.” He turned around and walked back to his desk. His hands grabbed all the battle plans, maps, and other important paperwork that made him stay up all night. He’s been trying to find a better plan than the one proposed by Sergeant Major Gross. If he could find a way to-
“Don’t just say ‘ah’, Zeke. I need to know what you have planned.” (Y/N)’s eyes glanced at the doorway before lowering her voice, “Hange and Levi told me what you told Yelena. Now I want you to tell me. Don’t skip any details.”
“Well, if they told you already, why do I need to repeat it?”
(Y/N) gave him a look that Zeke knew he had no choice in the matter… At least this time. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and raised a brow at him. “Tell me.”
Zeke relented and told her everything about his plan. Not the real plan about euthanizing the Eldian population, of course. As he explained his cover up plan, Zeke tried his best to control his facial expressions. (Y/N) was watching him like a hawk. Her (E/C) eyes stared into his as she took in every word. After telling her, Zeke waited for her to say something. But she didn’t say anything. She just waited, as if he was going to say more.
“This is where you say something.” He told her.
(Y/N) closed her eyes as she remembered her conversation with Levi and Hange. What Zeke told her matched what they said. She was hoping Zeke would let something slip or at least add another detail to the plan. Unfortunately, he didn’t. He told her about the three points of his plan.
A test run of the Rumbling to show the world its power.
The cooperation of Hizuru in order to strengthen Paradis’s military until the Rumbling’s threat is no longer needed.
A Titan of royal blood and the Founding Titan must be passed down. Which means once Zeke’s term reaches its end, Historia will inherit his Beast Titan and during her 13-year term she will have to bear as many children as possible.
And while Hizuru’s cooperation can’t be counted on as they only want to monopolize the island’s resources for themselves, (Y/N) wondered if Zeke had a contingency plan in place.
“Do you have a contingency plan?” She asked him as she sat down on the bed. “Hange told me that Hizuru won’t be cooperating with Paradis.”
“We don’t need one.” Zeke sat down next to her. “I only included Hizuru as a way for Paradis to advance as a nation. I thought since their ancestors were friends with King Fritz at the time, we could use that as an advantage. Plus, their weapons and aircraft development is something that can help the island. Their cooperation isn’t necessary. As long as the Rumbling-”
“Zeke.”
He stopped talking when (Y/N) spoke his name. His eyes met hers. And those eyes with the beautiful shade of (E/C) seemed to pierce into his soul, if he had one.
“I want to believe you.”
“Then believe me.”
She shook her head. “I can’t. Not when you haven’t told me a single word about this plan. For almost two years. Paradis is my home. I have the right, then and now, to know how you’ll protect it.”
“What’s important is that you know now.” Zeke took her hands and held them. “I told you how I’ll protect Paradis. The only reason I couldn’t tell you was because I had to protect you. At the time, you were pregnant with Kaito. You were already having a hard time adjusting to the outside world. I know you’re strong, (Y/N), but I didn’t want you to worry any more than you have to.”
“So you thought it wasn’t okay for me to learn about your plan of using the Rumbling, but it was okay for me to learn about it through all that Marleyan propaganda? How does that make sense, Zeke?”
“I…” Damn it. Zeke couldn’t come up with an excuse. Sure, he had several excuses but none of them would convince (Y/N). Sometimes, it’s a curse to have a smart wife. So he picked a believable excuse and crossed his fingers it would work. “I would rather have you learn about it through the books than from me. Don’t you remember how you were when you learned about our history? You were livid. So how was I going to tell you that my plan involves using the Rumbling? I knew you would be against it.”
(Y/N) stayed silent after listening to his explanation. She knew Zeke had a point. The use of the Rumbling, even if it's a portion of it, she would be opposed to it. But she was also opposed to the idea of Historia inheriting Titan powers. The idea of children eating parents… She agreed with Hange at that point. Pushing their problems on to their descendants in order to save the island now was not the right way.
As much as (Y/N) hated to admit it, the Rumbling was the best option for Paradis to have a future.
So why did she have this deep gut feeling that Zeke wasn’t telling her something? He was hiding something from her.
“(Y/N)?” Zeke’s voice broke her out of her thoughts. “Are you alright?”
“I don’t know Zeke. I hate this plan of yours. A plan that you should have told me since the beginning. At least then we could have worked together to figure something out.”
Frustrated, Zeke let out a sigh. “Look, there’s no point in arguing about this. We’re past that point-”
“Because you decided that. You didn’t include me-”
“Because I didn’t want you to worry!”
“Let me be the one to worry about things especially if it includes my home and future! I’m not some pathetic, feeble housewife that you need to fucking coddle-”
“Of course you’re not. I just wanted to-”
“STOP!” (Y/N) didn’t mean to shout but she swore another word from Zeke and she would have punched him in the face. “Just… Please stop talking.”
She got up and began to pace back and forth. Zeke watched her in silence. A few minutes later, (Y/N) stopped. So Zeke took this as his opportunity to talk.
“Are we good?”
(Y/N) nodded and Zeke offered his hand for her to take. Once their hands interlaced, she sat back down on the bed. Her head leaned against his shoulder and his head rested on top of hers. The couple sat in silence until (Y/N) found her voice again.
“I’m not used to this.”
“Arguing?”
“Not that. I’m used to arguing. Believe me you aren’t the first man I argued with and you won’t be the last.” (Y/N) lifted her head off his shoulder to face him. “What I meant was… I’m not used to this… Secrecy. I hate being kept in the dark on important matters. It makes me feel… Useless. And I hate that feeling. So when Hange and Levi told me about your plan, I was frustrated. I thought you, at very least, would tell me.”
“It was for your own good.” Zeke responded but he could tell (Y/N) didn’t believe him.
“My own good?” She echoed his words before shaking her head. Her next words were mumbled, but Zeke heard them loud and clear. “You and Erwin couldn’t be more different.”
Ouch. Zeke felt as though his heart was pierced by those words. The feeling of angst poured out of his heart and flowed to every vein in his body. He could feel himself getting warmer. Was it from anger? No. Jealousy? Definitely.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He countered but Zeke knew very well what she meant and how she meant it.
“Exactly what it sounds like. With Erwin, I trusted him and he trusted me. That’s how we made it work. We didn’t keep each other in the dark just to spare feelings. He included me with his plans. He wouldn’t do what you’re doing to me right now.”
Zeke opened his mouth to argue back but it was as if he forgot how to pronounce words. He knew she was going to be upset once she heard about his plans, but so much so that she would bring up Erwin?
(Y/N) wasn’t done. “Look, I didn’t mean to compare you with him but if this is how you’ll be with the secrets and hidden agendas then I can’t trust you. And without trust, our relationship won’t work. So please, I’m asking you this once: Is there anything, anything at all, that you’re hiding from me?”
Zeke knew this was his chance to come clean. He could tell his wife about the euthanization plan and how it can finally put a rest to the world’s hatred towards the Eldian race. But he couldn’t. Not now, not here. He’ll tell her the truth when the time is right. Right now, he needs (Y/N) to be on his side, not against him.
He’ll tell her one day, but today was not the day.
“I’m not hiding anything.” Zeke told her, placing his hands on her shoulders. “I don’t know how to prove it to you, but this is where you have to trust me. Because if I recall correctly, trust goes both ways. So, please, believe me. I know I’m not Erwin, but I am your husband. I promised to protect you with everything I have because I love you, (Y/N).”
She brought her hand to cup his cheek, her thumb ran across his beard. His face softened under her gentle touch.
After a moment of silence, she spoke, “Alright, Zeke. I believe you. But remember, we’re partners. You don’t have to do everything alone. You have me. So promise me,” She held her pinky finger out to him. “You’ll include me in your plans.”
Zeke wrapped his pinky with hers. “I promise and I promise I’ll do whatever I can to bring an end to this war.”
(Y/N) smiled. “Now that’s something we can agree on. Come on, let’s go eat and then you need to catch me up with every battle plan you guys have tried so far.”
As she continued to talk, Zeke felt guilt in his stomach because he knew that the promise he made with his wife was already broken. She’ll find out and once she does… She’s going to hate him all over again.
End of Flashback
“I can feel you staring.”
(Y/N)’s tired voice broke Zeke out of his memories and back to reality. He looked down and saw that her eyes were still closed but now she had a faint smile upon her lips. How long has she been awake while he was reminiscing about the past?
“I wasn’t staring.” He defended but his own smile admitted his guilt. “But if I was, it’s only because the world’s most beautiful woman is in bed with me.”
(Y/N) let out a chuckle and moved closer to his warm chest. “You don’t need to flirt. I’m already in bed with you. Not to mention, we’re married.”
“That doesn’t mean I’ll stop.” Zeke huffed. His arms snaked around her waist and pulled (Y/N) even closer. “Besides, I like flirting with you.”
The woman let out a content hum as she mindlessly tapped her finger against his chest. At least, that’s what Zeke thought she was doing. It took him a moment to realize that she was tapping Morse code. Three simple words.
Stay. Alive. Please.
He wasn’t surprised by the fact that his wife knew Morse code. Ever since entering the world outside the Walls of Paradis Island, (Y/N) has been learning whatever the world had to offer. So her learning a new language that was composed of dots and dashes? That’s his wife. She’s one of a kind.
He kissed her forehead and relished in the silence with her. If he listened closely, he could hear her heart beating with life: an assurance to him that she was still here with him, alive. He wanted her to stay that way. He can’t lose her. He couldn’t. Not to mention what Levi would do to him if something were to happen to (Y/N).
“You okay?” She asked him, her hand over his clothed chest. “Your heartbeat is racing.”
“Nervous for today.” Zeke replied truthfully. “Magath wants to make another front line trench.”
(Y/N) furrowed her brow and propped herself up. “When did he tell you that?”
“Just last night. After the meeting. Was going to tell you but you were already asleep.”
The woman huffed before hauling the covers off her body. She sat up and began to put on her uniform at a quick pace. She grabbed her boots and put them on before making her way to the small cracked mirror where she began to brush away her bed hair.
“(Y/N)?” Zeke called out, sitting up with his back against the wall.
“I wish you would have told me about this last night. I could have stayed up and come up with a plan. That idiot of a sergeant major-”
“You mean Gross?”
“Like I was saying, that idiot is trying to convince Magath to go ahead with his insane idea. And we both know his idea will only result in pointless death of so many Eldian soldiers. His hatred for Eldians shows no bounds. It’s disgusting. Did you hear that rumor about him and his father?”
“You mean the one about his late father using dogs to maul people?”
(Y/N) nodded. “Whether it's true or not, Gross is a horrible man that can’t see past his hatred. He has it out for me, too.”
“Why?”
“Colt told me a few days ago. Apparently, Gross’s father was also a sergeant major back in the day. He would be in charge of Eldian deportation, bring them to Paradis, and turn them into Titans. Colt and Falco’s uncle was part of a restorationist group… Like your fath- Grisha and your mother. The day they departed to the island was the last time Gross ever saw his father.”
While Colt was a kind and respectful young man, Zeke wished he wasn’t. Sometimes, sharing this kind of information to others was dangerous.
(Y/N) continued on. “Now every time he looks at me, he thinks I personally murdered his father. Just because I’m from Paradis.” She scoffed as if the mere thought was ridiculous. “Which is stupid. The Scouts never made it that far out to the wharf back then. But it’s not like he’ll listen to an island devil like myself. So now he takes any chance he gets to berate, disrespect, and insult me.”
Zeke stood up and wrapped his arms around her from behind. He kissed the back of her neck before nudging his cheek with hers. “If it makes you feel better, he doesn’t like me either.”
Through the cracked mirror, Zeke achieved what he wanted as his wife let out a small chuckle with a smile gracing her lips. Her hands were warm to the touch when she hugged him back.
“Yeah, well, what’s to like about a guy who can turn into a Titan that looks like a-”
“Don’t say it.” He warned her but he can already see the playful smirk on her face.
“- Like a potbelly monkey.”
Zeke pouted but he quickly replaced it with a smirk of his own. His fingers made their way to (Y/N)’s sides and began his ‘assault’ on her. (Y/N) let out a small yelp but it was soon followed by her laughter. He continued to tickle her even when she begged for him to stop.
“Zeke, please!”
“Say sorry first.”
Happy tears streamed down her cheeks. Her smile was contagious. Her laughter was infectious. Zeke wanted nothing more to preserve this memory and live in it forever. His small piece of heaven in this cruel war-torn world. He needs to cherish this. Just as he was going to stop, Zeke felt her elbow dig into his side before she turned around and placed her forearm on his chest. The back of his knees folded against their bed as she pushed him onto the once warm sheets.
“You need to keep your guard up, Zeke.” (Y/N) told him from her position, smirking a little at his stunned face. “After all, you’re sleeping with the enemy.”
Zeke laughed at those words and wrapped his arms around her once more. “I wouldn’t mind dying by your hand if it means I get to see you one last time.”
(Y/N)’s smile faltered a little at his sentiment. Zeke only had a little more of a year with Ymir’s curse still in place. She wished she could read his mind. What kind of thoughts were filling his head? Did he think about death often now that his life span had an expiration date set in stone? She swallowed her worries and fears down her throat and forced herself to focus on the present.
She leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on his lips. But Zeke could see the seriousness in her eyes. “Don’t talk like that. Death has already taken enough of my family and friends, I don’t need you to joke about it.”
Zeke was just about to argue with her. He didn’t mean it as a joke, but he stopped himself before he uttered a word. He considered her point of view, where she was coming from. He knew the losses she went through. The loss of her mother, Isabel and Furlan -her close friends from the Underground- , hundreds of Scouts, her comrades, her uncle, and finally the man that first held her heart, Erwin Smith.
She already lost the first love of her life and it destroyed her. He saw how grief-stricken she was during their initial encounter. How she tried to fight to stay by his side when Reiner tried to wrangle her into submission. Even to this day, Zeke knew his wife still thought about her first love. Erwin Smith, the man he can never measure up to be. He remembered (Y/N) told him that during her first few months in Marley. Zeke often wondered if she truly loved him, but on some days, he doubted it. He remembered seeing her love for Erwin: the way she took great care for Kaito, the fact she still held onto her Scout cape, the way she silently mourned for his death each year, and how she lit a candle on October 14th.
A selfish part of him hoped (Y/N) would move on from the commander and finally find true solace… In him. Just as how she was his solace, even if it meant she’ll lose another loved one again. Yes, it’s selfish for Zeke to even think about but when it comes to his family, he’ll be the most selfish man in the world.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered but his voice was filled with sincerity. (Y/N) knew he meant it. She closed her eyes when his fingers placed a curl of hair behind her ear. “I didn’t mean to upset you. But it’s the truth.”
Her hand gently took hold of his wrist. Underneath her fingertips, she felt his pulse that was still beating with life. Biting her lip, she whispered, “I don’t want you to die. Not now and not later.”
“Really? You might not think that in the future.”
“Maybe but right now I need you to live. Kaito needs you to live. And the only way we can do that is by ending this war. We need to go back home. The both of us.”
“Okay. Then that’s what we’ll do.” He kissed her on the lips and felt his heart expand at the sight of her smiling down at him.
“Sorry for calling you a potbelly monkey.”
“Apology accepted.”
“In my defense, you were handed the short end of the stick when you inherited the Beast Titan.” (Y/N) said as she raked her nails over his abdomen where she felt the curves and slopes of his abs. “Do you get to choose what animal you become when inheriting the Beast?”
Zeke shrugged. “Don’t think so. I think it's random. I’m just lucky that my Titan has a good throwing arm.”
“If I were to become a Beast Titan, I would like to have the option of which animal I want to become.”
“Oh, yeah?” Zeke propped his elbow with his hand holding his head. His other hand interlaced with hers. “Like what?”
(Y/N) thought about it before answering, “I think a bird, like a hawk or something.”
“A bird?” Zeke tried to hide his smile but ultimately failed when (Y/N) gave him a pointed look.
“Don’t laugh at me!” (Y/N) exclaimed but she too was smiling along with him. “At least, I could fly over my enemies and…”
Zeke noticed that she trailed off. “(Y/N)?”
He watched as the woman in his arms was silent. Her brow furrowed in contemplation. Why was she looking so deep in thought? Though, he’ll have to admit she looked so beautiful like this.
“Hey, what’s the-”
“Shh!” She placed her hand over his mouth. From his position, Zeke could see how her eyes seemed to shine. He was pretty sure, her mind was going a million miles a minute. “That’s it!”
“What?”
“The answer!” (Y/N) has a wide smile decorating her lips. “I have to talk to Magath!” She quickly scrambled her way out of bed but not before grabbing her armband and putting it on.
“Talk to Magath about what?” Zeke asked.
(Y/N) had the biggest smile on her face when she walked up to him before wrapping her hands around his waist, giving him the tightest hug ever.
“I just thought of a way to end this war.”
~
“A kinetic bombardment airstrike?” Magath placed his coffee on his desk and looked at the map before him. “Seems rather risky, don’t you think?”
“A rather stupid idea if you asked me.” Sergeant Major Gross grumbled under his breath.
The comments didn’t faze (Y/N). Instead, she stood firm and with confidence she spoke, “Any strategist will tell you that any plan will carry risks, but with this airstrike it will help minimize loss to our troops while causing maximum damage to the enemy’s fort. If we were to drop-”
“This is a waste of our time!” Gross growled as his eyes narrowed at the island devil. “We already have a plan and it’s mine. I proposed it months ago before you even got here.”
“And yet, here we are.” (Y/N) argued back, her eyes glaring in defiance at him. “There’s a reason Commander Magath didn’t choose your barbaric plan. Now, he has another option, a better option, where we won’t be sending hundreds of troops to certain death.”
“Why you insolent-”
“Gross, that’s enough. You can leave.”
The sergeant major opened his mouth to object but the glare from the commander was enough to shut him up. He turned around and was about to walk out when he gave one last glare to the woman.
“You have to excuse him.” Magath told her before gesturing to the woman to sit.
“I’d rather not.”
“Fair enough. But now, he’s gone and I would like to hear the details of your plan without further interruptions.”
~
Zeke waited anxiously outside the command post for (Y/N) to come out. She’s been in there with Magath for the past hour. He hoped for the best with each minute that passed by. (Y/N) is a smart woman and the plan she came up with was genius. He just hoped she’ll be able to convince Magath.
“Is she still in there with the commander?” Pieck’s tired voice came from his right. She was using her crutches again which made sense as she was in her Cart Titan form for two months.
Zeke offered up his seat to her. “Yeah, she’s still in there. Gross came out earlier and he looked like he wanted to kill me on the spot.”
“Ah, that’s just his usual face. He always looks like that with us Eldians.”
“True.”
“But is what he’s saying true? That (Y/N) has a plan that might put an end to the war?”
“Rumors sure spread fast around here.” Zeke commented as he leaned against the dirt wall of the trench. “But, yeah. She told me about it and I think it’s a better plan than the one Gross has.”
“I think any plan is better than the sergeant major’s. Everyone knows he’s ready to sacrifice the lives of Eldian soldiers. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wants us to die as well.”
“Well, I can’t die before my term is up. I made a promise to (Y/N) not to die early.”
“Aww, isn’t that sweet? Who knew you were such a thoughtful husband, Zeke.” Pieck joked.
“I do have my moments.”
The two Warriors continued to talk about mundane topics for the next half hour. Every once and a while, Zeke’s eyes wandered to the command post. He appreciated Pieck’s way of keeping the conversation going, but his mind was on his wife.
The movement of the curtain draped over the entrance of the command post caught his attention. (Y/N) lifted the curtain enough so he could see her face. He couldn’t tell if she had good news or bad news.
“Zeke, I need you.”
“Good luck in there.” Pieck called out.
He looked over his shoulder and gave Pieck a brief smile. He walked inside the command post to find Magath standing at the nearby map. Zeke noticed that the map looked quite different than it did yesterday. No, it was different. This must be (Y/N)’s plan. Has Magath disregarded the sergeant major’s plan completely?
Zeke cleared his throat and saluted, “Reporting for duty, Commander Magath.”
Magath looked away from the map. “At ease, Wonderboy. Your wife came up with a plan that could turn the tables into Marley’s favor. I trust she told you?”
“Yes, sir. An airstrike that will weaken the Mid-East forces significantly.”
“And do you have any other suggestions?”
Zeke furrowed his eyebrows. “Sir?”
(Y/N) came up next to him. This time, he can tell something was wrong. Her eyes lost the shine that was there a few hours ago. What happened during her talk with Magath?
“Commander Magath is all for the airstrike plan. The only problem is that the Marleyan army lacks the equipment for a bombardment. And with how large Fort Slava is, the equipment we currently have won’t do us any good if it can’t cause enough damage.”
Ah, Zeke can see where this is going. “And I don’t suppose we have the time to wait until we do have the materials?”
Magath shook his head. “No. We’ve exhausted our resources all throughout this war. Government orders are to secure the fort with what we have now. No matter the cost.”
“But, sir, if we can just-” (Y/N) began but stopped when the commander raised his hand.
“I have no more say in the matter. We were lucky to have you and the others as reinforcements. But in the eyes of the government, every day we spend here in the trenches is another day wasted in economic terms. This war is causing the nation to bleed.”
(Y/N), clearly having enough of the conversation, threw her hands in the air and sat down on a nearby chair. “Stupid government.”
Magath ignored her and looked back at Zeke. “Now that you know our predicament, what suggestions can you offer?”
“The airstrike is our best option, but if the problem is that of resources then we have to find something else to use in the bombardment. Something that we have abundance of… Something that no other nation has the power to use.”
(Y/N)’s eyes widened at the idea Zeke was trying to convey. “Zeke, you don’t mean…”
“It’s the only way.” He argued.
She shook her head. “No. Absolutely not.”
Magath didn’t know what she was talking about and he hated to be out of the loop, but it would seem the island devil has already filled in the blank. Desperate for answers, Magath asked, “Is it a way to win this war?”
“It is.”
(Y/N) frowned. “It’s wrong.”
Within the hour, a new battle strategy was made. Instead of the aerial bombardment that (Y/N) proposed, it was now altered into a Titan aerial bombardment. The Titans in question will be the Eldians that were supposed to be deported to Paradis Island, but since Marley has lost more than thirty ships they couldn’t take the risk.
“Think of it this way,” Zeke told her. “At least, their lives will serve a purpose and end this war. We can then go home. Think of it as a sacrifice.”
(Y/N) glared at him. “You don’t get to speak to me about sacrifice. This isn’t it. A sacrifice is a choice and I know for a fact they won’t have one. They’ll be forced.” She looked at Magath. “Won’t they?”
The commander frowned. While he came to respect (Y/N) over the years, there were always those moments reminding him that she came from an entirely different world than he’s used to. However, every once in a while, (Y/N) would say or do something that reminded him of their differences.
Like now, for example. Her perspective of the Eldian people and viewing them still as regular people.
Her (E/C) eyes were filled with defiance as she continued to stare at him. For a moment, it reminded him of the time when he first met the island devil. Those intelligent eyes that sometimes frightened him. He had no doubt she made a captain rank back on Paradis.
Magath took a moment to calm his nerves before speaking, “This is war, (Y/N). I’ve already sent hundreds, if not thousands, of lives to conquer that fort. And I would have sent even more if I went forward with the sergeant major’s battle plan. Now I won’t have to. If sacrificing the few means saving the rest of us then the choice is clear. We’ll begin our offense as soon as the shipment of Eldians comes across.”
“I won’t stand for this.” (Y/N) all but growled, fury behind her eyes. There was a sliver of hesitation, Magath noticed, but it disappeared just as quickly when she spoke, “Send me to the front lines.”
“WHAT?!” Zeke grabbed her shoulders and shook them. “(Y/N), that’s crazy! You might think you’re invincible, and you might be right, but this is not the time to prove it. I’m sorry, Commander Magath. She didn’t mean it-”
“Don’t speak for me!” (Y/N) argued and pushed him away. “Commander, please. Send me there.”
Magath thought for a moment before he made up his mind. “Request denied. You’re needed here with the candidates. I can’t afford to lose you. Believe it or not, you’re a symbol to the Eldians here. Since the moment you arrived, their spirits lifted. You saved the lives of countless Eldians. They know about your strength and skills. You brought them hope and if something were to happen to you that hope dies with you.”
“But if I could just-”
“The answer is no, you stubborn woman. You’re worth more alive than a corpse. We will go forward with this of yours and you will be a part of the strike.”
(Y/N) raised an eyebrow. “How so? I may be an Eldian but I can’t turn into a Titan.”
“No, but you can put that Ackerman power to use. With this,” Magath gestured her to follow. He stopped in front of the wooden crate box. The same one (Y/N) carried from the train. “Open it.”
She felt Zeke right next to her, equally curious as her. With Magath’s permission, (Y/N) lifted the lid and she could have sworn someone launched a thunder spear into her heart. Because inside the crate was the very equipment that helped her escape death several times.
Her ODM gear. From what she can tell at first glance, her precious weapon seemed to be in perfect condition. She grabbed the hand controller grips and connected a blade. A sense of familiarity washed over her when she brought the blade out of its scabbard. The blade, carefully crafted in ultrahard steel, was as beautiful as she remembered it.
“We tried to recreate this weapon, but as you said before, we couldn’t. I requested for it to be released under our custody, and since it's obvious none of us can use it…”
“Got it.” (Y/N) cuts in, already figuring out what the commander wanted her to do. “After the initial airstrike, you want me to take care of the enemies that pose a threat, especially those who are pointing cannons at us.”
“Exactly.”
She looked back in the crate and reached for the rest of the gear. The men in the room watched her tinker with the equipment, having no idea what she was checking for.
“Well, everything looks to be in order with my gear. Though, there’s only half a tank of fuel left, but it should be enough to get the job done.”
“Good. Prepare yourselves. It shouldn’t take long until we attack. I need to inform the others of this plan. Zeke, you stay here. (Y/N), send Braun, Galliard, and Finger in. Then make yourself useful elsewhere. Take the candidates with you. You’re dismissed.”
(Y/N) saluted and left the bunker, not sparing Zeke another glance.
Finally, after what felt like hours inside, (Y/N) breathed in the fresh air that was mixed with gunpowder and the light scent of human decay. Above her, the sun was now in its afternoon position, continuously shining down its constant rays. The clear blue sky held no clouds, leaving no shade to anyone. With a matter of minutes, (Y/N) could feel herself sweat. But it didn’t matter to her. The heat from the sun was nothing to the angry flames inside her.
“Shit.” Her eyes never left the endless sky. While there’s no cloud in sight, she knew it was only a matter of time for Pure Titans to raid down on the earth. All thanks to her. “Fuck, I didn’t mean for this to happen… Erwin, what would you have done?”
Of course, as expected, there was no answer but she hoped he was still watching over her. (Y/N) wondered what he thought of her at this moment. Already, the amount of guilt weighed upon her shoulders. Soon, several Eldian lives will be used as weapons in a war they never signed up to fight. Men, women, children… Fuck. Will there be children involved in the attack she came up with?
She didn’t want that to happen. She didn’t mean to involve innocent Eldians who have nothing to do with this war. But what other choice did they have to end this war?
“I wish you were here, Erwin.”
~
Later in the Evening
“(Y/N)! There you are!”
Pieck’s voice drew her attention away from Gabi’s retelling of a childhood story. It was her idea. Gabi, Falco, Zofia, and Udo were still impressionable children and while they’re surrounded by war, (Y/N) suggested for her students to share stories about themselves. Anything to get their minds off the misery that surrounds them. Now it was cut short with the Cart Titan shifter coming their way. The rest of the titan shifters followed her.
“Hey. How was the meeting?” She asked them as she scooted some space for Zeke to sit next to her.
“Magath told us your idea.” Porco grumbled while taking a bite of his stale piece of bread. “A Titan airstrike? Where in the hell do you come up with that idea?”
“Thought of it this morning.” (Y/N) answered, her fingers drummed against the table. “It was supposed to be a bombardment, believe it or not.”
“It’s still a good idea.” Zeke told her, his arm slung over her shoulder. “Better than Gross’s idea.”
“I guess,” Porco huffed. “Reiner said you would be the one to figure out a plan. Guess you’re the real deal.”
“(Y/N) was a captain back on the island. She saved lives with that mind of hers.” Reiner spoke on her behalf. “Now she’ll do the same for us. Right, Cap- Er (Y/N)?”
“I’ll do my best.”
Pieck offered her a smile. “Hey, you won’t be alone. You have us to help you. Everything will work out.”
(Y/N) smiled at her. Despite their initial mistrust with each other, she knew that Pieck was telling the truth. She could tell that the Titan Shifter hated this war just as much as she did. “Thanks, Pieck.”
“Even if this plan of yours does work,” Porco interjected. “A lot of Eldians will die. They won’t even have the decency to remember their loved ones once they transform into monsters.”
The air was filled with tension and everyone could sense it. The candidates waited for their teacher to snap. Reiner elbowed Porco in the ribs the same time Pieck did. Zeke glared at him before looking back at (Y/N).
“Don’t listen to him.”
“Why not? He’s telling the truth. People are going to die.” (Y/N) said tiredly. She shook her head before standing up. “Excuse me.”
“(Y/N), wait!”
Zeke quickly left his seat to follow her but not before he gave his fellow comrade a piece of his mind. “If you have a problem with my wife’s plan, then take it up with me. I was the one who suggested using Titans, not her. She already feels guilty enough without you reminding her.”
~
Zeke found (Y/N) leaning against a wooden crate. She had her arms crossed over her chest. Her face pensive as she stared at the night sky. He stood next to her but didn’t speak. He knows that she will voice her worries when she’s ready and he’ll be there to listen.
After a while, (Y/N) spoke, “He’s right, you know. My plan will cause people to die.”
“It will also save lives. And this isn’t all on you. I was the one suggesting we use Titans.”
She turned to face him. “Well, it’s too late to take back your words. Magath is already making the preparations. Even as we speak, thirty to forty people are being shipped out to become weapons. And I know I sound ridiculous but-”
“You don’t.” Zeke interrupted. His hands cupped her face and gazed into her eyes. “I know this is difficult for you but this is something we have to do. If it wasn’t for you, hundreds of Eldians will die in a pointless suicide charge and that’s exactly what Gross wants.”
“I’m no different. He’s-”
“Nothing like you.” His words were firm and sincere. “You know how?”
“How?”
“Because you care.”
(Y/N) was taken aback at this but Zeke’s words gave her the comfort she needed to hear. Her stiff shoulders relaxed as if the burden was lifted by a tiny fraction.
Zeke continued, “You’re a good person. I know it, they know it, and your students know it. We all know you’ll do everything to protect those you care about. Reiner and those kids can attest to that.”
“But what if… This plan brings more harm than good?” (Y/N) whispered. “Will you still look at me the same way you do now?”
“(Y/N), I love you. You’ve always tried to find a solution with that beautiful mind of yours, but there are times when you can be blind.”
“If this is your idea of cheering me up-”
“Let me finish,” Zeke kissed her temple and held back a chuckle at her annoyed expression. “What I meant was that you need to start looking at the big picture. Humor me on this, okay? What will happen if this plan works?”
The furrow of her brow vanished when she considered the possibility. “The war will end.”
“And then what? What happens after that?”
“We… We get to go home.” (Y/N) swallowed the white hot lump that was lodged in her throat for the majority of the day. “The war will be over and we get to go back home.”
“And who’s waiting for us back home?”
Zeke saw the flash of realization in (Y/N)’s eyes. Her hand wrapped around his wrist when she spoke, “Our family.”
“Exactly.”
He slipped his hand into his uniform and grabbed the photograph from his pocket. (Y/N) let out a soft gasp when she saw her son’s face on film. Her heart swelled with longing. Right now, he’s growing up without either parent by his side. Zeke placed the photo in her hands and she brought it close to her chest. The initial feeling of grief was soon replaced by a deep ache in seeing her only child again.
Zeke continued, “The sooner we end this, the sooner we go back home to our families.” He pulled her in for a hug. He felt her arms wrap around his waist. “Pretty soon, we’ll have our son in your arms.”
“... Thank you, Zeke. I feel better now. I just have to remember who I’m really fighting for.”
“I’m here for you, (Y/N). For better or worse. Because no matter what happens, I’ll have your back.”
