We are all more than we think we are. We can all do the impossible. We are also sometimes our own worst enemies and biggest roadblocks. I truly believe that if we find something that challenges us and we conquer it, then we can get outside ourselves and blossom into more powerful versions of ourselves.
Whenever I enter a new yoga class, I always hear the phrase “Fat girl does yoga.” I wish I didn’t, but that’s the truth. Most days, I can tell that voice to be quiet, but other days she screams at me to self hate. She shakes my body to its core and I’m reduced to a shaking mess.
When I first took an aerial class with the fabulous Olga, I heard the same familiar voice banging around in my skull. This aerial yoga class was going to challenge me on many levels. Obviously, this hammock would not be able to hold my weight. Clearly, I would not be strong enough or agile enough to invert. I was about to make an idiot of myself in front of the pros in this class and they would all enjoy laughing at me. I’d spent 30+ years telling myself all the things I can’t and shouldn’t do as a fat woman and this was certainly one of the activities I should avoid.
I kept a brave face and started with the opening poses. I could sit in the hammock and wrap myself up in a cocoon, but the really difficult poses were coming. I told Olga there was no way I could flip upside down, but that I could just wait while the others did it. She told me that the only thing holding me back was my fear and that she would help prove to me that I could hold every pose with strength and grace. I felt scared and angry that she’d put me in this precarious spot. I was about to fall to the floor, crack my head open and everyone was about to laugh at my demise. I truly felt that everyone in the room would just laugh at my pain.
What happened next is what changed my view on how I approach every situation today. I was upside down in sacrum wrap. Me! I had somehow flipped upside down! I wasn’t pulling the anchors out of the ceiling pulling the hammock down on top of my lifeless body. I was relaxed and in charge of my body. I cried tears of relief and joy for the rest of the practice. These tears continued for the whole car ride home.
How was this possible? Fat girls can’t do these things. And just like that, my core belief was shattered. I could actually feel something crack within myself. As my muscles shook, I began to shake myself out of myself. If I was able to do this, then it was possible that I had been wrong every time I told myself that I wasn’t allowed to do something because of my weight. I had miscalculated my worth, my abilities and my truth, because I felt that my weight was the most important variable. I valued weight over intelligence, endurance, will and self-worth. I think I cried for so long, because I was mourning all of the wasted time I had spent telling myself about all of the things that I thought weren’t meant for me. How many opportunities had I missed?
I’m still on the journey and I still battle with the bitch inside my brain who tries to cut me down, but the amazing feats I can do in a hammock are undeniable. I can use facts to back up the reality that my body is amazing and can do so many wonderful things. I can use these facts to help me in my daily life as well. Any time I feel blocked for whatever reason, I can remember how strong I truly am - physically AND mentally. Nothing can hold me back after knowing that I can dangle from my feet upside down and then pull myself back up.
Now, I love when my friends or strangers say, “Oh I couldn’t do aerial yoga,” because I can help show them how wrong they are. I can help them realize how much more they can do. I needed a physical, factual way to prove to myself that I was more than I thought I was and aerial yoga did that for me.
