"nuh uh you can't do that it's 2025" - reasonable people, frankly.
so what's up with freddie's gender? i thought we left 'genderbends' behind in, like, 2013. well, yes, and no. sadly, we do live in a society, and gender has an impact on the stories we tell. there are gendered associations with horror, with childcare, and with serial killers, all of which apply to nightmare. while the default blank-canvas ( usually white ) man with a weapon ( see halloween, friday the 13th's sequels, child's play ) gets the job done, and certainly exists for a reason, women are a different story. a woman must justify her presence in the text and her right to kill. she is the bereaved mother, the put-upon wife, the femme fatale, the caregiver gone wrong - and, in best-case-scenario, the victim seeking revenge. very rarely is a woman allowed to simply pick up a rusty pipe and go. when womanhood and horror intersect, there is a necessary examining of what it 'means' to be a woman, residing in a gendered society, which in and of itself is often enough to make horror happen. for female victims and final girls, this lens is sympathetic; for female killers, they are rarely afforded the same respect. their villainy stems from some breach of female performance: the nurse snaps and harms the patient, the mother becomes a smother, the prom queen goes too far to secure the crown.
male killing - or, candidly, gender-neutral killing - is a man with a chainsaw splitting you in half, an extreme but honestly accepted expression of masculinity. female horror is a woman not being a woman right. i enjoy every trope i've just listed above, i think there is so much to be done with the fact that misogyny is so prevalent that sometimes women's real lives can constitute horror performances. moreover, horror has been a safe haven for weird gender expression, crossing or blurring binaries, and confronting our specifically-gendered fears. i am not saying that horror is black-and-white misogynistic, but i am saying that male slashers are often allowed to get a little fruity with it, and female slashers barely exist.
freddie probably isn't going to break the female slasher glass ceiling, first and foremost because this is a tumblr roleplaying blog, secondly because all of what i just said above applies here as well. again, society, we live in it. krueger being a child-serial killer is already abominable, but the general reaction to women who kill children is often exponentially more disturbed than when men do the same. sometimes, in fiction, they are given the excuse of trying to do what's best for them, a sort of postpartum psychosis taking hold. freddie is not that. freddie killed children because she enjoyed killing children. she did not want them to live forever, she did not want to preserve their innocence, she wanted to harm them. just to make that clear.
so, elephant in the room: is freddie trans?
i don't know. i am. and i've been around so long that the need to clarify a genderswapped character as trans has lost a bit of its shine for me. i do get it, i think it's, on the whole, a good thing. however, i want to allow myself a little experiment, where trans- does not modify woman. freddie is a woman. is she cis? is she trans? that's her business. i leave it intentionally unanswered, because, in this case, it doesn't matter.
( not in the least because 'transwoman becomes child serial killer' is not, like, a win to me, you understand; add the label and it will become a focus, and the focus will, imo, be bad. )
i am asking you to trust me, just a little bit. if you still can't stomach it not being set in stone, that's totally fine, i wish you the best. but i would like this blog to be understood as an examination of gender in horror by a trans person who's burned out on gender in general, and treats it as a funny little collection of costumes. in my play, freddie is a woman. all details are otherwise coyly concealed behind the curtain. hopefully, it doesn't ruin the experience.
id: the start of a twitter thread by Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg @TheRaDR from Sept 15 2021 reading,
Today's a good day to talk about prayer, no?
I know it's a thing that feels hard and uncomfortable to lots of folks, so let's spend some time unpacking some of what it can be.
1/x thread.
For starters, let me make this clear:
I don't believe in vending machine theology. Like, there is no version of any understanding of the divine that I have that involves me praying for a pony and getting a pony. Or a fast car or that gig that I want or whatever.
Courage, patience, compassion? That's different, we'll get there. "But rabbi, the traditional Jewish liturgy includes prayers for livelihood, for healing, for all sorts of things! We ask for stuff!" Yes, and the traditional Jewish liturgy is written in the first person plural.
Not I. We.
So again, patience, we'll get there. / end id]
The thread continues,
But first, I want to say a few things about the act of prayer.
The Book of Samuel talks about a woman named Hannah who's stuck in a dark place; she finally breaks, starts crying, and then, the book tells us, she "increased her prayers before God…. Hannah spoke on her heart." She's considered the paragon of prayer in Judaism; she didn't recite formal liturgy. She teaches us, though, that prayer is about speaking on your heart.
It's a means to express something of our deepest selves, and not only naming it, but offering it up to the great beyond.
Whether or not you think of yourself as someone who believes in whatever might be called God, I'd like to suggest that there is power to this. I don't think you need to know to whom or what you're praying in order to pray.
Sometimes, you can just... pray. And see how it feels. If meditation can get us centered in the present moment, prayer can engage that presence, draw from or offer it up, or do both at the same time. Meditation is the work of the breath, of the stillness of the mind.
Prayer is, as the Jewish tradition puts it, "work of the heart." This work of the heart often emerges from the hardest spaces. Sometimes it comes out of that moment when you're at the edge of your ability to cope, or grief, despair, fear, anger, disassociated numbness, or overwhelm. Or from a bunch of those things, all at once.
Perhaps our prayers are open expressions of resentment, desperation, hope, gratitude, wonder, frustration, questions, or many of the other things a person might feel when we're up to the ears in it. Perhaps something else. I don't know.
I can tell you that if you spend all of Yom Kippur yelling at God until you get to the place where the tears are, or yelling until you find a new truth that you hadn’t uncovered, that will be a day well spent.
Yes, you can yell at God, you can be angry at God, you can yell at I-don't-know-if-there's-God-or-what-but-I'm-gonna-yell. The God in which I believe can take it.
Jews, anyway, have a long, proud tradition of yelling at God. It's... kind of how we roll.
But real prayer doesn’t push aside hard feelings. Nor will it magically fix everything. It can help us to name what's happening, & to pour it out to the great transcendent beyond — to turn your isolated feeling into something that connects you, that binds you to something bigger.
It is this outward offering that turns "feeling feelings" into prayer: we don't just experience them, we offer them up, to someone, something. We say, “here, can you hold on to at least a tiny piece of this anger, frustration and despair for just a second?” We connect our heart to the great infinite everythingness, the gushing, pulsing stream of life within and around us. We reach out.
It's about tuning into that which interlinks us all, that which is present within and between us. Try lifting up the things in the deepest places of your heart and try to release them like you're letting the wind take a balloon. You don't have to even know whether anyone's taking them or what, just try to pull the words up and out.
So then, to get back to the words in the prayerbook. First of all, permission:
If you're in services and what's happening with the prayerbook and where you are with things isn't where your head is at, let me be hopefully not the first person to give you permission to just be where you are, tune out of the service and tune in to your heart, tune in to whatever's happening there, do that. If you do some real work there, you've done good.
The point is not to recite every word of the Yom Kippur liturgy while your heart cries for attention. No. And as for crying in services? Feel free to ask anyone from any of the shuls I've attended regularly since the late 90's (aka when I got Jewy) if I have ever been seen sobbing hysterically during prayer services. Uh. Yes, hi, here is your permission slip to cry if you need to.
Sometimes in the process of prayer you move stuff around and find true things and clear out some things and the true things come out through tears. That's OK. Sometimes life is so full and the only time you have time to be a certain kind of present is during prayer and so it turns out that's when you cry. That's OK.
So, then, back to the words in the prayerbook. Whether you're more comfortable in the Hebrew (and occasionally Aramaic) or English, or a bit of both —permission slip to pray from whichever side works best for you — the prayerbook is meant to be your guide through a process. The liturgy has been crafted very intentionally. It's the trail for your hike. It's meant to take you on a series of risings & fallings, openings & closings, peaks & valleys. The blessings before & after the S'hma, before & after the Amidah, where (on YK) the viduis are, etc. We talk about keva (fixed form) and kavvanah (intention) as the heart of Jewish prayer. Taking the intention, the heart stuff I've been talking about and binding it to the words in the prayerbook, and offering it up. It takes practice, sure, but if you're in services a bunch tonight and tomorrow, why not practice?
Find some of the words that catch you in particular and really...pray them? See what it feels like to find some words that you wouldn't think to just write yourself and pray those?
And then we get around to the genius of Jewish prayer. The ways it shapes you, like water gently shaping a rock. The number of times I have, in prayer, had to find the ways and meanings around words I wouldn't have, in my tiny, finite, ego-driven self, thought to write. The ways that we — not I, we — has worked itself into me. It's not about my own love or sorrow. My own fate or concern. The hike has taken me to vistas more profound and beautiful than I possibly could have imagined on my own.
And it's forced me to tap into pain and suffering greater than I wanted to, because that's part of the work, too That's OK. We. Us. In any case, I want to bless you with the opportunity to do some of the work of the heart — tonight, tomorrow, and any time after that.
In services, or just walking down the street, when you're with a cranky child, at any moment when you need to offer something up. Formal prayer — yes. And spontaneous prayer is valid, too. It was for Hannah, it is for you, too.
Offer something up. PS: some theological Qs can be addressed in this piece, though more Bible-focused. Viz prayer, some Jewish philosophers talk about prayer impacting the person praying, some talk about prayer impacting the divine, some a combination, you don’t have to pick.
Summary: You get lost in Wolvendom when searching for berries. Razor helps you out, leading to a new friendship.
Pairing: Razor x Reader
Rating: Fluff (SFW)
Word Count: 2,677
For future reference, all characters are depicted as 18+
You'd somehow managed to get yourself hopelessly lost on your quest to find enough berries to fill your basket. You wanted to bake a pie for Sara's birthday, and while she worked at Good Hunter and more than likely had access to the best pies in Mondstadt, you wanted her taste your grandmother's recipe. Her occupation and access to delicious pies would not stop you. But this was more than you bargained for.
You'd ventured along the path outside of Mondstadt, attempting to take an alternate route to the Dawn Winery before doubling back and making your way back Springvale where you'd get a room at the inn and then head back to Mondstadt in the morning. It was supposed to be simple. But you'd ended up in the Archons only knew, which was far from simple.
And it was getting dark.
You'd dressed warm, it was mid autumn and winter was coming soon, and while Mondstadt didn't get nearly as cold as somewhere like Snezhnaya, the snowfall was still rather intense. It was the very end of berry season and you were making the most of it. Your outfit consisted of a cotton dress layered with a wool over skirt and a long wool cloak. You wore a pair of brown leather boots as well, gloves on your hands. You tugged the cloak more tightly around your body as the wind picked up. There was forest up ahead, dense and full of restless shadows so thick you could barely see past them. You had no idea where you were.
You turned in a full circle to try and regain your bearings, and after a moment or two, you realized you could see Mondstadt across the lake. There was the cathedral, backlit by the sinking sun, and all at once, you realized just where you were.
Wolvendom.
Oh. Lovely. I'm going to be eaten by wolves.
You felt a raindrop splatter against your cheek and you looked up, face falling as you watched menacing clouds roll in, obscuring the stars that had just begun to freckle the sky. The God of Anemo was not on your side tonight. Your eyes scanned the area in front of you. The last thing you wanted was to be caught in one of Mondstadt's thunderstorms without shelter.
"Thanks, Lord Barbatos," you muttered sarcastically.
The wind didn't calm.
You heard a twig snap behind you and you turned, tucking your basket against your chest almost like a shield.
There was a hilichurl standing in front of you. It said something in that weird language they all spoke, something that didn't sound particularly friendly.
"Um," you stammered, "please don't hurt me."
It said something again, waving its club in front of it. You struggled to unsheathe your sword from its scabbard, the vision pendant hanging from the cord attached to your belt glowing softly in response.
"Hey, can you just—"
The hilichurl lunged and you dropped your basket, blocking the club with your sword, swinging a leg out to hit the backs of the hilichurl's knees, making its legs buckle beneath it. You sent a blade of water sailing through the air as the hilichurl struggled to its feet, causing it to stagger back, knocking its head on the side of the ledge behind it. You scooped your basket up and made a run for it, only stopping once you were safely behind a tree.
The lone hilichurl was joined by a mitachurl, and you were suddenly in over your head. You had a vision, sure. You could fight, yes, of course. But you were no Knight of Favonius. And your longsword was no match for a massive axe. You couldn't make it work like Cavalry Captain Kaeya. All your combat training had come from your father, who was a knight and from your mother who knew more than a few tricks of her own.
Of course you could fight. But this was a bit much.
You slid your sword back into its scabbard, but the rasp of metal against leather alerted the monsters, and your eyes went wide.
Uh oh.
You tried to scramble up the tree you were hiding behind, but managed to twist your ankle, making you yelp in pain. Nevertheless, you persisted, hauling your body into the branches.
A scream left your mouth when the hilichurl began shaking the tree. You wrapped your arms and legs around the trunk, hanging on with all your might, but the rain was beginning to fall, and the sudden slickness wasn't helping with keeping your hold on the tree. Your world shuddered as something struck the tree, making you scream again, and you didn't have to look to know that the mitachurl had struck with its axe. A few more swings and the tree would be down.
You grunted with effort as you attempted to pull yourself farther up the tree, hopefully to where the branches thinned enough so when the tree fell you wouldn't end up being trapped. You would not die here, damn it. You refused to. Your hair was now sticking to your cheeks and forehead as rain water streaked your face, the freezing kind of rain that even hydro vision users like yourself weren't all that fond of.
You had no choice but to cry for help, not knowing if anyone would hear you and seriously doubting that they would.
"Help me! Help me!"
Your voice sounded desperate, but at this point, you were desperate.
You heard a shout after the tree shook with another strike, then the crackle of thunder. There was the sound of exchanging blows, something that sounded like a snarl, something animalistic. The ground shook, jostling you free, and you lost your grip, falling down to the next branch, crying out in pain.
The ground shook again and you fell, straight to the ground, into a heap of limbs and messy hair, your basket flying from your hand.
You saw a figure crackling with violet energy before everything went dark.
————————————
You awoke to a loud bang, followed by rumbling. Thunder.
Where... am I?
Your head hurt. Hell, your everything hurt. There was something laying beside you, something warm and furry and soft. An animal? You didn't move to touch it. Your mind was muddled with confusion, but your eyes finally snapped open when a hand lifted one of your own hands.
There was a young man hovering above you. He was wearing a brown hooded coat and a light brown poncho sort of top with tribal markings. The rest of his toned torso was left exposed. A necklace with what looked like fangs hung around his neck.
His hair was long and messy and silver in color, and he had a handsome face, his eyes a shocking shade of scarlet. There was a scar on his left cheek. He looked to be around your age, maybe a little older.
Who...?
He blinked in surprise when he noticed your eyes were open.
"You wake," he said. His voice was a rough sound, low and almost raspy. He sounded like he didn't speak much.
You took note of your surroundings.
You were in a cave. There was a fire crackling a few yards from your feet, and from what you could see through the mouth of the cave, it had begun to pour outside. Thunder was growling overhead, lightning flashing, the brief light making it look like daytime. You were laying on a collection of pelts and a few pillows. The cave was otherwise empty except for the silver haired boy and you. You turned your head to look at whatever was beside you.
You were met with a wall of grey fur, and it took you a moment to realize you were staring at a wolf's back. There was a wolf beside you. You tried to jerk into a sitting position, but the young man pushed you back down.
"No," he simply said, "rest."
He made a good call. Your head was spinning.
"What... Happened?"
He glanced at you. You noticed a bowl of what you recognized after a few moments as wolf hook berries, as well as a bowl full of what looked to be crushed up ones beside it. There was a rock stained with the juice sitting beside this bowl.
"You fall from tree. I save you from monsters."
"...Oh."
"How long was I out?"
"Hours."
The young man turned to the bowls behind him, then looked back at you.
"Your name?"
It took you a moment to realize what he was asking.
"Oh. It's (Y/N). My name is (Y/N). What's yours?"
A beat of silence as he studied you.
"I am Razor."
Razor reached into the bowl of paste, smearing some of it onto your palm, which you didn't notice had been scraped up. It stung.
"Medicine. Will help you heal."
You'd heard about the medicinal properties of wolf hook berries from Barbara at the cathedral before, so you didn't doubt that Razor was doing this to help.
"Thank you," you said, shifting, "for helping me. I should go, though—"
"No!"
You started at the sudden volume of his shout. "No?"
Razor looked sheepish, his voice quieting. "You rest. You are hurt."
You relaxed back into the pelts, sighing. "Okay. I'll rest. But I have to go when the rain stops."
Razor shook his head. "Your ankle is hurt."
You moved both your ankles, met with a painful stiffness in your left one. Razor was right. It was most likely sprained. It would be hard to get back to Mondstadt like that, and it was a beyond stupid idea to try and get anywhere in this rain, let alone on an injury.
A massive grey wolf suddenly entered the cave, startling you. It was carrying something in its mouth. You recognized it.
"My basket!"
The wolf walked over to you, setting the basket down beside you, then promptly turned and left. Another smaller wolf entered a few minutes later carrying what looked to be the leg of a small animal.
Razor took the leg from the wolf, and then turned so his back was to you, working with his hands. He then dropped the meat into a pot you hadn't noticed was over the fire.
"You don't eat it raw?" You asked, and Razor shook his head.
"No. Makes me sick. Heat helps."
"Yeah, I guess that makes sense," you said, "humans can digest raw meat, but we can also get sick from it. Cooking it makes it easier to eat and gives more nutrients."
Razor stared at you for a moment, something almost like awe sparkling in his eyes. It was a little endearing. You smiled.
Was this guy... raised by wolves?
He certainly looked the part.
His body was toned and covered in scars. He looked wild.
"Sleep," he said, "I will wake you to eat."
You were tired. You rolled onto your side, realizing for the first time that you'd been stripped down to your underclothes, left in your blouse and the cotton skirt you'd been wearing underneath the woolen one. Your shoes were gone, so were your socks. You spotted said articles of clothing on a rock, presumably drying.
"I shouldn't," you said, "I might have a concussion."
He tilted his head curiously.
You tried to think of a way to explain what that was. You didn't think that Razor was dumb, far from it. He'd successfully treated your wounds and figured out how to cook without much outside interference it seemed. If anything, Razor was very intelligent.
You sighed. "It's something that can occur if you hit your head really hard."
Recognition dawned on his face. "Oh. I think I know."
"Know?"
Razor nodded. "Yes. Has happened to me. I fall into hole. A red man helped me."
You furrowed your eyebrows. Red man?
"Someone from Mondstadt?"
"Do not know."
You ran through a mental list of any men that fit the description of 'red,' but Diluc was the only one who came to mind, so you settled on him.
"I need to stay awake, just until the dizziness passes," you said.
Razor simply nodded, turning back to the fire, and you relaxed against the pelts beneath your body.
You tried propping yourself up a few times to check and see if the dizziness had gone, and when it did, you fell asleep fast.
You faded in and out of consciousness for the next few hours, waking only when Razor shook you in order to feed you. You ate greedily, not realizing how hungry you were until the tender meat was gone. After eating, you fell asleep again.
You awoke fully in the morning, and you rolled over to find Razor sound asleep beside you. The wolf that had been beside you before was now gone. The rain had stopped, leaving behind that musty smell that rain left behind.
"(Y/N)!"
You started. That sounded familiar, even if the voice was far away. You propped yourself up on your hands, wincing at the remaining tenderness of the scrapes. They could have gotten infected if not for Razor, and you were thankful for his help.
The voice called out again, and you realized with a start who it belonged to. Amber.
Was there a search party?
You put a hand on Razor's shoulder, about to shake him awake, but when you looked down, his eyes were already open.
"Who is it?"
You smiled. "Amber. She's an Outrider for the Knights of Favonius. Someone must have come to the knights to tell them I was missing."
"You were... missing?"
"Yeah," you said, "I got lost."
You cupped your hands around your mouth. "Amber! In here!"
A beat of silence, then the sound of distant running footsteps getting closer. Amber appeared at the mouth of the cave, relief washing over her face as she hesitated before entering the cave.
"Razor," she said, "can I come in?"
Razor nodded. "Red girl is friend."
Amber walked towards you at a hurried clip. "What happened?"
You smiled. "I got attacked by hilichurls as the storm started and Razor rescued me. Wait, you two know each other?"
"Yep!" Amber said, "as an outrider, I know everyone in the Mondstadt region, including those in Wolvendom. You were in good hands."
"Thank you for helping her, Razor. I'll take her home."
Amber helped you get redressed, and it felt good to have the comforting weight of your sword on your back again.
As you began to walk, supported by Amber's shoulder, you turned back to Razor.
"I'll come back to visit. I'll bake you a pie."
Razor seemed to like the prospect of you coming back.
"Visit again, friend!"
You smiled.
After getting back onto the main path, Amber spoke.
"You really need to be more careful, (Y/N)," she said, "we were all so worried! What were you thinking?"
You chuckled sheepishly. "Sorry, sorry. I wanted to find an alternate path to find more berries. I got lost. I couldn't have predicted that a storm would roll in. The Anemo Archon was not on my side."
"Yeah," Amber said with a note of bitterness, "he's finicky like that."
You snickered. "You say that like you know him."
Amber simply laughed.
You looked down at the basket in your free hand, noticing that not all of the berries inside had been lost. It looked to be just enough for one pie.
You watched as the first few buildings of Springvale came into view, making a mental map of the area in your head. You'd have to write down the location of the cave when you got home. You'd be seeing Razor again soon, this time bearing gifts instead of injury. Sara's pie would have to wait. After all, she did have access to the most delicious pies in Mondstadt, what with working at Good Hunter and all.
You had a feeling this was the beginning of a wonderful friendship.
Transcript of Kelly Marie Tran and Jenny Yang’s conversation for CAA Amplify’s Town Hall on Confronting Anti-Asian Racism on April 1, 2021. Watch the full video on CAA Amplify’s website at amplify.caa.com/library/ (linked in source).
Kelly and Jenny’s part starts at the 47 minute mark and is about 7 minutes long.
To know more about what was discussed at the town hall and the other speakers, read ‘CAA Amplify Town Hall Confronts Anti-Asian Racism; Asian Community Finds Power In No Longer Staying Silent – Commentary’ on Deadline.com.
Jenny Yang: [waves] Hi, Amplify!
Kelly Marie Tran: [laughs] Hi!
JY: Kelly! Hi!
KMT: Jenny! Oh my gosh!
JY: I just want you to appreciate the matchy-ness of my look today.
KMT: I’m loving the coordination. The shirt with that little pot in the back. You look like someone who’s got everything together. [laughs]
JY: You know, we’re trying to. We’re still in a pandemic. And now we’re gonna talk about being in Hollywood as an Asian American!
KMT: Great! [laughs]
JY: Let’s do it!
JY: With everything that’s been going on in the world, um, with… Frankly, feeling like Asian Americans, being an Asian woman in particular, with the shooting and murders in Atlanta… Like, feeling, like, under attack and super sad. How have you kind of come to understand who you are now as an Asian American in entertainment because of all of this?
KMT: There’s just so many emotions being felt at one time and I think… [sighs] For me, I wanted to dismantle, like, internalized racism, racism inside of me. It’s no secret that I left the Internet for very specific reasons. One thing that I think made a really big impact on me was recognizing just how deep seated the racism was. That was something that I don’t know that I knew the extent of it. And it made me really think about, okay, how do I figure out how I’m working within this system that has… perpetuated this thing.
JY: You unfortunately saw some of the worst, um, hate and ire that’s directed at.. women and particularly you as an Asian American woman, right? I mean, like, publicly. Just because, just because you exist! And this is what’s so, so, like, like, bonkers for me. And I think it’s really cool that, like, you’re admitting to having internalized some of this. Because I feel like that’s one of the first steps, right? It’s like… we need to educate ourselves and get right with ourselves as well as take action.
JY: When, uh, the pandemic first hit, we all had to stay at home. March, like, 11th, was my last day, 2020, of being out in public. About a week later, I was going out, just me and my, you know, blunt bangs, right? And my Asian ass eyes. In front of me stops a pickup truck of, sort of a middle aged white guy. He stopped right in front of me while I was at the corner when he had a green light and flipped me off. What was that for? Nothing had happened. And yet I’m getting accosted, assaulted, whatever. And then it hit me. And then I got hot in my face. And I was like, oh! This is because people think I am responsible for the pandemic. This is because our president and other people call it the China Virus, call it Kung Flu, make it a punchline. It’s telling someone driving down the street that I am a target for their, their hate. It was really upsetting that, okay, wow, this is the beginning of the pandemic, this is what’s to come. It is really important for me to think about what does it mean for us now as Asian Americans in Hollywood and honestly other people who are non-Asian in Hollywood to step up.
KMT: Like, what is helpful moving forward? You know, there’s so… so many instances of uh… you know, my friends and people that I’ve worked with who have, you know, done the social media posts and donated to foundations. They’re reading books about how to dismantle their own internalized racism. Like, what is that next step? And how do we actually, um… Help create change.
JY: You know, Andrew Yang, presidential then presidential candidate, put out a Washington Post op-ed that’s essentially said Asian Americans, if you want to fight anti-Asian racism, then you need to show that you’re more American so that we can be more liked. And, um, I wanted to test that premise in a video and I did that. And, um, you know, I went out with a sign that says, you know, honk if you, uh, if you won’t hate crime me. A middle aged white woman and her son drove around and stopped me and said, “I honked earlier and we just made two loops just so that we could talk to you.” And she just started to go into tears. She’s like, “I am so sorry what’s happening to you and your community. We are… I want you to know that we’re here for you.” That, I will never forget. Because that’s what we need. We need people who, um… are going to be there for us, not just as allies, ’cause we say that word so easily. We need people to be like adopted family! Who wanna join us, alright? Who are, uh, willing to be the intense aunties and uncles of our families who will stand up, whether you’re Asian or not, to actually risk something. ’Cause to me this is what, this is what it’s about.
KMT: During the pandemic, you had this comedy show called Comedy Crossing over Animal Crossing because we couldn’t do it in person and you raised over 30,000 dollars for Black Lives Matter. And that’s someone who is showing up. And that is someone who is risking something. When you’re talking about holding on to hope and you’re talking about a vision for a better world, like, that’s what you did. I’m getting emotional talking about it!
JY: I know! Why are you doing this, Kelly! [wipes eye]
KMT: Because it’s true! [laughs]
JY: Why are you doing this!
KMT: Because it’s true! [laughs]
JY: I mean, listen… There’s more we can always do, but we need to do what we can, you know? And I’m not perfect at all, and… I probably could risk more. I really admire, you know, in your journey, sort of your moment when you, when you, I feel like really took a step forward. And so— Oh, now I’m gonna tear up again. I remember reading the draft of it in that cafe before the pandemic and tearing up and being so happy and proud of you because I know for a fact that, like you were saying earlier, it was very challenging to all of a sudden be thrusted into the public spotlight and become… automatically representation as an Asian American woman, right? In pop culture. And I don’t think people are prepared for that! Honestly, every single person who works in entertainment who has any kind of platform, we all need like mandatory training or something. Asian American studies…
KMT: [laughs]
JY: Asian American history. So.
KMT: Um. I was just gonna say I’m really grateful for our friendship and the way in which… recognizing that no matter how hard an experience gets, it always gets a little easier if you’re not in isolation within that experience.
JY: The more we can stay connected with each other, right? And encourage each other and not feel alone, I think that’s the way we get through this.
KMT: I’m really grateful to have had this conversation. Just to hear more about your insights as someone who is a community organizer, someone who has been furthering, um, not just the movement in terms of, you know, combating anti-Asian hate, but also anti-Black hate. Um… And how do we continue to be productive as people who all obviously are now sort of pulled into wanting to help in ways that will further, um, hopefully these movements.
JY: Yeah. Thank you.
KMT: I love you so much, friend. It’s so good to virtually see you.
JY: I know! I love you too, Kelly Marie Tran.
KMT and JY: Bye!
About: You were introduced to the Karasuno Boys’ Volleyball club during your second year. Yachi needed help after Kiyoko had taken her leave, so she asked you to join her. Although, it would have been smarter to look for a first year, but you were new and looked lonely. When you met the boys you were bit overwhelmed but they grew on you in no time. Kageyama was a little rough around the edges at first, he was awkward and couldn’t hold eye-contact. He was a blushing baboon for the first few days. He was sure to keep his distance but you only found it exciting and hilarious. Sure enough you two became friends from all your taunting and teasing. You’re about to enter your third year, and this was your make it or break it. You had to start thinking about your own future- and so did Kageyama.
A/N: Thank you for the support! And new follows! I’m glad I’m not the only Kageyama simp :) I also like creating shorts with random prompts, it gets the creative juices going. So if you have any requests or such, please let me know. And... uh hope you like this part.
Cloudy Skies
Kageyama would never admit it but he kept thinking about that question. He answered truthfully but something bothered him about that. Not that it was honest but rather the answer itself.
"Kags!" You screamed before the ball could hit him in the face, but he just snapped his head to you. The sound echoed in the gym and he fell backwards at impact. Everyone flinched and made a pained face but your eyes widened with worry.
"I'm so sorry, Kageyama!" Tadashi bowed and apologized several times. He grew red in embarrassment and you would have teased him and called him cute if it wasn't for the growing red mark on Tobio’s cheek. You rushed over with Yachi along with Coach Ukai.
"Come on kid, talk to me." Coach Ukai examined the bruise. It wasn't anything too serious but he knew it had to hurt like hell. Especially to a body who wasn't ready for impact. "Someone go get a bag of ice!" Yachi ran.
"Don't say sorry to him, Yamaguchi, he was the one who wasn't paying attention." Tsuki pushed his glasses up even though they're his volleyball ones. A habit that hasn't died down. He was the only one who didn't step a little forward towards Kageyama.
"Put a cap on your salt, Tsuki," you yelled. It surprised a few of the players with your sudden authority. Even Tsuki tsked quietly.
There was little more venom in your words than usual, like a warning to back off.
"Woah! Did you mean to catch that with your face?!" Hinata jumped to get a better look. "If it wasn't for Y/N, you'd have a bad nosebleed right now Kageyama!"
"Can someone shut him up?" He groaned trying to get up to a sitting position. You shot a look at Shoyo that begged and ordered him to settle down, which he took quickly. Coach Ukai let out a sigh of relief when Tobio finally spoke up. You released a breath- one you didn’t know you were holding.
Coach Ukai asked him a few questions to check how hard the ball hit him. He answered them as best as he could but you snickered when he couldn't answer any government related questions- although Ukai looked around to verify if it was wrong or right with other team players. He was okay. Okay as he could be.
"Alright kid, take a break and we'll fill in for you. Get whatever is on your mind out, it's important that you find that focus again." Ukai helped him up and ushered him off the court. You grabbed onto his arm, in case he needed help with his balance, and led him to the sideline where you and Yachi stayed. Yachi came back with the ice pack and accidentally shoved it too hard onto Kags.
"Ah!" He winced from the cold and the pressure on his bruise.
"Sorryyy…. Here." She handed you the pack abruptly. "I'll go get a chair!" You watched as she ran and struggled to get a chair out. Hopefully someone will help her out.
Kageyama leaned on the wall for support and winced again when he tried to touch his cheek. You swat his hand away-
"Hey!" He glared at you for a second but once he saw your worried look he glared at the floor. "You'd make a horrible nurse," he mumbled.
However, he was taken by surprise when your fingertips made contact with his cheek. You grabbed his face and turned him to you so gently he wanted to flutter his eyes closed to rest a bit. It was then he knew that what he had said was a complete and total lie.
You applied the ice to his cheek, careful with the pressure thanks to Yachi. You were close, almost as close as when you were dancing together. He could feel you- like a presence, it made sense cause you were right there. But it still felt weird to him. And for a second- but what felt longer- you were the only thing in his vision. Your soft smile of reassurance and your caring eyes and how they expressed more emotion than words. He even noticed some marks here and there that he could've sworn weren't there before… and yet he found them...he found them beautiful. Like they added to you being already perf-
"Does it hurt?" Your voice was low and gentle, completely different from when you used it at Tsukishima. You were worried he might be playing the pain down, so he can jump back into practice. You should've pulled him aside when he wasn't responding to Shoyo's usual banter. He was quiet, and clearly lost in thought but you assumed it had to do with volleyball. You expected him to be back to normal once he started playing. And once he was reacting slower and moving slower than usual, you realized he wasn't fully here.
He realized you asked him a question after a moment. "No...no, the ice is working."
You smiled in relief and let him take over the pack. You took a few short steps back and crossed your arms content with your minimal work.
"See," you said confidently, "I might be a good nurse after all."
Before he could agree, Yachi came rushing in with a chair. Kageyama took his seat without argument, a surprise to both you and Yachi.
"Take all the time you need and then some, we'll be right over there if you need anything."
"But don't let that go to your head, your majesty," you teased. He hates that nickname with a passion so there was always some sort of burst of energy. But all he could do was roll his eyes. It let you know that something was still bothering him, and that wiped away your grin.
The rest of practice, Kags quietly stayed on the sidelines but watched the team with a sharp eye. It was weird of him to not want to continue playing, but you were also sort of glad he took time to rest. Maybe that ball did hit him a little too hard though… No- he said he was fine. Plus, if it was serious, Ukai would've rushed him to the nurse or something. There have been worse injuries in the team and Hinata has taken a few shots to Kageyama's head. So… he should be fine.
During clean up time, Ukai told Kageyama he can head home early, instead he stayed and helped a bit then waited for you. After changing, he stood by the stairs and stared at something in the distance with his back towards you. For some reason you were nervous. Your foot wouldn't stop tapping or you would pull on your fingers and try to crack your knuckles. He was being annoyingly quiet, and that put you on edge, clearly. You thought Kageyama was a simpleton, he only thought about volleyball and food. But you liked that because you always knew what he was thinking.
Until now. He's right there and he's quiet and he's not talking and he has almost no expression on his face and he's just not... here. Did someone say something to him? Was he upset? Or sad?
You wondered all of this as you got closer to him, you thought he'd be too lost in whatever was bothering him to notice you but he glanced at you.
"Ready?" He asked, tightening his strap. Once you gave him a small nod, you both started walking towards your house.
"You sure you don't want me to walk you to your house? We don't have to study today if you need some time alone," you offered him. You didn't want him to feel obligated to go to your house. You told him during clean up he didn't have to, but he just ignored you by scowling Shoyo over some sloppy mopping.
"Do you not want me to come over?" He looked at you from the corner of his eye waiting for your reaction. You just shrugged awkwardly and looked away from him.
"It's not that, it's just you got hit and-"
"It's just a bruise, Y/N."
You snapped your head back at him with a wild look. "Well yeah! You don't really get those!"
"Volleyball guarantees bruises, you know that." His voice didn't elevate like yours did, it was unbothered and didn't show any signs of caring.
"What were you thinking about during practice?"
He didn't respond. You thought he might be taking a minute to figure out his wording, like usual, but he was just straight up ignoring you.
"Tobio!"
Nothing. He was giving you absolutely nothing. He just kept walking while you waved your hands like a crazy person. So you stopped walking. You would've let it go if he told you he didn't want to talk about or hell, even if he said it's none of your business. But not responding and obviously ignoring you!?
He stopped and turned to you a few feet away. The sun was setting and the street lights behind you were turning on one by one. He noticed the thick clouds gliding towards you two, another rainy afternoon.
"Y/N, come on let's go. I'm not getting stuck in the rain again." He looked tired, like the thought of arguing itself was draining him. You would've walked in silence, but you were a bit pissed off. Why? Why was his silence bothering you so much? Was he finally getting tired of you? Were you the one who said something? What did you say? If it bothered him so much, he should've said something! Or… was it the dance? Did you step out of line? But…
"Tell me why you've been so quiet, Tobio." Your demand did little on his reaction. He sighed and placed his hand on his forehead, tired once again. When he just mentioned the rain again, you stomped your foot like a child. "Fine! Don't tell me and don't come over today!" You marched past him with your arms crossed over your chest.
He felt a drop on his nose and heard the sound of the approaching rain. You were mad and it almost seemed like the rain followed your gloomy state.
"You really don't want me to come over?"
"No!"
"Y/N, you're being ridiculous." That seemed to piss you off even more. So you quickly turned to scream almost a block away.
"And you're being a shady idiot Kageyama! Since when do we keep secrets!"
"Why are you so keen on knowing?!"
"Because you're not being yourself! You're worrying the team and the coach and ME!" You pointed to yourself feeling a bit selfish without the guilt.
“I’m fine, Y/N! Nothing is wrong!”
“Then tell me! If it’s really nothing, tell me what’s been going on in that head of your Tobio!” You waited and watched as he physically restrained himself from saying anything. And you know it shouldn’t be such a serious topic or conversation, to be honest you thought this whole argument was childish. And yet, here you were acting like a child who wasn’t getting what they wanted.
The silence hurt you for some reason. It was like he didn’t trust you, he didn’t rely on your comfort or need you to listen to him. He didn’t need you.
“Fine. I’ll go home,” he said finally. You didn’t just feel a drop, you were immediately drenched in the rain. You watched him rush off through the rain while you felt something awful.
An even more awful thought sparked when he was completely out of your sight. It was possible that he didn’t need you, but you knew for a fact that you needed him.
It’s been a while, but hopefully the progress has been worth the wait. I’ve posted previously about Eliza’s models and textures, but those things, viewed separately, can be a bit odd to look at. Unfortunately, Eliza was missing a bunch of model parts and textures; I had her head model without a face texture, her torso texture without a torso model, etc., not to mention the many, many parts that simply didn’t exist in the files at all. So, how does one assemble a woman from some hair, a face, shoes, and a necklace? Uh, improvise, I guess? I want to be totally clear on how I did that, though.
Improv. Point 1: Her Face
So, the model and ‘wrinkle’ mask for Eliza’s head exist in the files, but no actual color texture. This was obviously the biggest impediment in putting a face to her name- there was no face to be found! We do have her torso texture though, so we can make some pretty easy assumptions about the skin color and general complexion of the face texture she should have. I located the generic NPC face texture that matched her torso texture best in terms of color (essentially a perfect match, actually), and used this as a base for all of her features (shape, placement, shading, etc.). The NPC face texture, however, was very mottled and dirty, a stark contrast to the torso texture in Eliza’s files. To get the complexions to match up better, I used some additional NPC face textures, color-matched to her skin tone, and ‘clone-brushed’ in clearer spots, as well as some higher res details. All in all, her face is a mash-up of 3-5 faces, though it is still heavily based on that first ‘almost-perfect-match’ NPC face. Her eye texture is selected from the generic NPC eye colors, but simply a guess.
I also gave her some modeled eyebrows and eyelashes, as she just looked too smooth without them. Shamelessly plucked from other RDR2 models and shaped to fit her head model and new face texture.
Improv. Point 2: Her Hair
Eliza actually has two hair models in her files, but no texture in sight. This wasn’t hard to make, I simply took the base hair texture for character models in the game and color-shifted it until it seemed appropriate. Her hair color is entirely a guess, though I think it’s a reasonable one, based on her complexion, the eyebrow color of the NPC base face I used for her, and the appearance of the (presumed related) individual on her locket. I also had to go through and UV-map her hair models, as if the models had been made but never properly textured in the first place. Not terrible once I figured out what I was looking at, but this hair turned out far better, and thus it’s the one I used in this set of renders.
Improv. Point 3: Her Torso & Body
Nothing too exciting here. We have her torso texture, but as I said, no model. We also have no model or texture for her lower half. I just used a generic NPC lower half texture that matched her skin tone, no bells or whistles, and applied both her torso texture and the generic lower half texture to the generic female NPC upper & lower half models. Since her torso texture is original to her files, I’ve included a full (censored) pic of it applied to the model, below. Please excuse the ‘problem’ spots indicated by the arrows, just some rendering artifacts, not features lol.
Improv. Point 4: Clothes
Lots of decisions made here on my part, seeing as the only clothing items we have for Eliza are her necklace (model and texture) and boots (just the model).
The necklace went together as expected, though the UV-unwrapping for it is sort of odd. The boots, I found a boot texture in the files that matched the UV-map of her boot model, and I simply applied that.
Her blouse and skirt are entirely NPC-borrowed. We know very little about her, other than her having been a waitress, so I just picked something fairly generic which didn’t clash too much.
Other Notes
I want to get this content out there, but I also want to be super clear on where the canon file content stops and where my stopgap filler measures start; I hope my above explanations have been clear on that front, but if not, I 100% welcome questions. In the spirit of this total clarity, I also want to point out two additional factors at play in the renders you’re seeing.
Subsurface Scattering - To make the character models appear more ‘fleshy’ and less plastic in the render engine, I’ve gone ahead and applied an effect known as subsurface scattering to them. It helps to make shadows on the skin appear more natural (see ‘flat-ish’ shading on left [no subsurf scattering] vs. shadows on the right [with subsurf scattering]), but it is unfortunately responsible for a fair bit of noise in the renders, as well as the tiniest bit of color shift. I’ve done what I can by simply upping the samples on my renders, the next step is to find a good denoiser that plays nice with Blender.
Lack of Comparison - Obviously when we see the RDR2 character in-game, they are effected by lighting, weather, and a number of factors. But we see them in multiple situations, and we usually see them with other characters. I can’t put Eliza into the game, so I did the next best thing and ripped a model of Arthur, using the same techniques and model/texture handling, so you could at least have a single point of comparison for how the lighting in my render is impacting the models and textures. They look very silly T-posing together, but it is what it is.
I just heard that you're doing requests!!! I already love your content and fully agree that Natsuo Todoroki is King~!!! If I may bother to ask a request? Just all the hcs you want to write about Ice Man bc it's getting to June where I live, and I don't mind cooling down~
Tera, my beloved, I'm going to be honest I literally fucking screamed upon seeing this request!!! I’ve been reading your fics before I even had like an acc here, so we vibin :) Also after the day I’ve had I need some fucking Ice man in my life n hopefully doing this will help me write my way out of the writers block that has been plaguing me for months!!!!
Future Blue here to say I had up to like all done last night and then my internet ate shit and I lost everything after 5. smfh. Woulda been done last night but the loss of my writing got me fucked up lolololololol. N e way
Warnings: cursing obvi, uh like nsfw for a hc or 2, my unorganized hcs that really follow no succinct line of thought and might not even be actual hcs???????
So Natsuo,
There is not a thing I wouldn’t do for this man, bc honestly after all the shit he’s put up with he deserves the world and then some. But I digress.
1. I think he’s a hesitant but attentive boyf. Like he seems like a genuinely friendly dude but I think it’d take him a while to properly warm up to someone enough to date them. And even then I think he might struggle to open up to his partner about anything like, emotionally. Not to say he’s entirely emotionally closed off or anything but somethings are just harder to trust people with. The main thing being his familial issues. And of course that’s were most of this stems from.
Now for the attentive part. His family dynamic has set a precedent on what not to do in a relationship so he’s always hyper aware of the things he or his s/o does, trying his best to avoid making any of the mistakes his parents made. Of course if he finds the right person he’ll be surprised to find that having a non-toxic relationship can be less stressful than he thought. It’s like a huge weight was just lifted from his shoulders.
2. He’s fucking hella romantic. Like he’s shitty romance movie romantic. He’s out here trying his best n woof. Gimme gimme. On date nights he pulls out all the stops. Sometimes it’s a nice classic dinner date at a pretty nice restaurant downtown, or it’s a picnic in the park at noon, or it’s stargazing from the roof of his or his s/o’s dorm/apartment/house, or driving out to a beach just for a long walk at sunset, or road trips to nowhere in particular. I could go on, I really could but you get the gist.
3. He’s got shitty pickup lines for days. Whenever I say shitty I mean like “god I hate it but at the same time I love it” kinda shitty. But yeah he likes to see his s/o’s reaction to his stupid pickup lines, whether they get flustered, or die laughing, or groan and make a snide remark, he’s here for it. Shoot one back at him and he get’s so absolutely red. Mans wasn’t ready. Mans will never be ready.
4. This just came to me but let’s be honest a lot of us here, myself included, have some sort of fucking daddy kink and like, I get it obvi but in this situation never call this man daddy. I feel like for him that is an instant turn off. I’m sorry to everyone I’m letting down but sometimes daddy issues don’t lead to a daddy kink.
5. But on the topic of kinks I think this man is pretty vanilla, he doesn’t scream “freak” to me, you know? Just normal amazing sex. Oh but he does enjoy hella praise both receiving and giving.
6. Hopping off that train of thought and onto another I think he kinda tries to keep his s/o as far away from his family as possible. He doesn’t hate them (when I say them you know i mean everyone except Enji bc he avoids that man like the plague and like keeping his s/o far far far away from that man was a given), no he just likes to have something so utterly untouched by his family issues. Mans needs a breath of fresh air.
-These next 2 I think will veer off from being hcs a bit and just like shit that I like to think about in general. Does that make sense? Who knows lololol. N e way. I like to think a lot about two aspects of this man, well 1 aspect of the man himself and one....dynamic? It’ll make sense in a few so just hear me out.
7. Ok so like I saw this post somewhere eons and eons ago. It was long before current manga events, maybe around the time we’d just gotten Natsuo in the manga. My memory of this post is hazy at best so bear with me as I stumble over my thoughts. Obvi at this point in time we had little to nothing on this beautiful, beautiful man, so people were left to theorize. So this one post, was really that shitty meme where it’s like “small brain if you think such n such, bigger brain if this, n galaxy brain if this, etc., etc.” Where in essence it was like, “He probably has a weak ice quirk but what if some sort of ice based healing quirk or no quirk at all!” N i think about it a lot to this day. I don’t believe that either of those are true but I do think it is absolutely immaculate food for thought so uh do with that what you will.
8. I guess this is back on hc territory but Natsuo isn’t picky with who he dates, as long as you’re not an asshole he’s kinda set, good to go. Now most of the fics for him you’ll see are like “ay yo, you’re another college hoe or like you’re just a civilian” but like what would the dynamic be if he dated a hero?????? I don’t think he hates heroes but his father has definitely had an impact on his view of them. He’s not enamored with them like I guess the rest of the population is so what if hero s/o?????? Perhaps?????? Have I suddenly had a fic idea??????? I like the idea of Natsuo with a like super popular Pro hero s/o or with like a super lowkey underground hero idk this whole post has been me spitballing shit.
9. Back onto proper hcs, it’s a common one that mans runs cold and ugh pls yes. It is also June rn and while the past few days have been cool and sexy the weeks prior had been hellish and on top of that I despise summer so give me all of that. Mans is your personal ac, he’s not opposed to his s/o just spending a hellishly hot day laying on top of him as they watch garbage reality tv.
10. Can we talk love language? Physical touch. He just radiates that energy. Probably touch starved, obviously due to you know what. But yeah definitely a hard physical touch. (Which is actually my least favorite love language considering I’m quite ✨𝓣𝓸𝓾𝓬𝓱 𝓻𝓮𝓹𝓾𝓵𝓼𝓮𝓭 ✨but hey I’m not here to project I’m just here to tell you what I see n therefore think) He likes to be touching his s/o like 24/7. Out in public shopping or some shit? Holding hands, linked pinkies, arm around the shoulders or waist. At home? Sheesh be ready to be smothered bb.
TLDR: What a man 🥵
I think I’ve gotten most if not all of my thoughts about our beloved ice man out. I hope you enjoyed my nonsensical ramblings :)
Tessa Virtue’s leap from Figure Skating Olympic Champion to Executive MBA | Kneading Dough Canada
https://youtu.be/JAAkEDRFJ1A
Host: Vinay Virmani
T: If you’re going to build something, you need options in your life. I’ll say this especially as females, it’s important to be independent. To feel like you can be self-reliant and to take care of yourself.
[Intro presented by Tangerine]
V: Tessa, welcome to Kneading Dough Canada.
T: Thank you so much for having me.
V: It’s a pleasure. Kneading Dough Canada is a financial empowerment platform as you know, where we talk money, we talk mindset, we talk about financial lessons that you’ve learned along the way to hopefully inspire the next generation.
T: Well I’m so grateful to be on, I really appreciate it. I think it’s always refreshing to hopefully lend that female lens but also maybe that perspective from the amateur sport world too.
V: Yeah, you know Tessa you’ve accomplished so much, both in your personal and in your professional life. As an athlete you have achieved so many incredible honours, you’ve represented us, this country of Canada at the highest of international levels, but what I’m really excited about is you’re about to add another accomplishment in the form of three very special letters, MBA behind your name. Talk to me about that decision.
T: It’s been you know lingering in my mind for a long time. Education was always a priority in my household growing up in my family, and I thought about law school for quite some time and then I retired at 28 or 29 and thought maybe that’s too long (giggle) and realized also I wanted to flex a bit of a creative muscle. So this MBA program has been a dream of mine for quite some time. I want to be a student again in every sense of the word and I’m eager to learn the ins and outs of the business realm and that corporate sphere that I’ve had a unique perspective of, you know for 10 15 years, but if I’m going to take on a new role whatever that may be then I really want to feel like I’ve adopted that rookie mindset once again, and earned my stripes, I’ve gotten the credibility to to deserve a place there.
V: I want to take it to the world of figure skating though, because the world of figure skating is so glamorous as a sport. You know
T: I wasn’t sure where that sentence was going to land. It could have gone so many directions.
V: I I’m so like fascinated by the world of figure skating because the glamour, the imagination, the costumes, the drama, the whole production value. It looks so beautiful and elegant, but behind it there’s also rigorous routine, training and it’s not cheap.
T: Uh huh
V: So growing up, dd you have those conversations with your family and did you understand the investment that it was taking to sort of put you through the highest levels of figure skating.
T: The 2 things that my parents were always wiling to invest in or prioritize were education and sport. And it was important to them that we were exposed to as much as we could be. I’m the youngest of four. You know I’m of two minds because on one hand I do believe they tried to shield me from the burden of that sacrifice, that they made for all kids and for you know all of these adventures. But I was also keenly aware of it. I knew the the toll and I knew the cost and um you know I felt that responsibility…
V: Was there anything that you remember early on where there was an incident or a moment where you were like, I recognize like you talked about the toll.
T: My parents were so conscious to ensure that I wasn’t carrying that weight, and yet I moved away from home when I was 13 and I was kind of budgeting at that age for groceries and 7-eleven runs (laughs), whatever it is that a 13 year old needs. Taking taxis everywhere and I made a decision when I was 15 um to be able to do it on my own. My mom was always quick to say you know you have to look after yourself and you always have to make your own way and she was all about sort of creating that sense of security and freedom, so that I had options.
To be honest I had a tumultuous relationship with my father when I was a teen and I think it was just a decision, at that point. I didn’t feel right.
V: Yeah
T: I didn’t feel right accepting that kind of support anymore um and maybe it was a bit of pride you know, not wanting to
V: You don’t want to be dependent on anybody.
T: Totally. Yeah, and that’s not to say that I’m not aware of the privilege that I had growing up to have those opportunities. It was just a real marker of OK, if this is the path I’m choosing, um and I really need to make sure that I can I can do it on my own or in a way that really isn’t such a burden.
V: You know talking to you today has reinforced independence. You know being independent, not being dependent and and just being self-sufficient. And how gratifying that is, you know I think a lot of people, especially as you said, I hope a lot of young women watch this show and and really listen to your advice. And the fact that you took that decision at such an early age.
T: You know it’s interesting I found old journals not too long ago, and there was a page in one and I don’t know, judging by my handwriting I might have been 12? 11 or 12? And I had written my goals and that were, you know the to win the Olympics, be on Oprah, which I’ll settle for uninterrupted and Kneading Dough, uh buy a cottage, like buy a family cottage
V: Right
T: And at 12 that was on my mind and the feeling of walking into this cottage that my mom and I were able to dream of and then buy together, is so visceral and it’s it’s so much about, like I think back to being young and maybe not having, especially for her like that sense of security and and just really feeling like that can be a safe place now. Um so again it’s more of the representation of that.
V: I’ve heard you say something that has really resonated with me always because it’s something that I believe in. That the highs are so much better when you’ve experienced the lows. And obviously Scott Moir and yourself accomplished so many great things together. Something that I always try to tell the younger generation is, sometimes you have to just sit back celebrate your failures.
T: Well we learned to embrace it by making it part of our process, in that, not only did we anticipate failure and expect it and embrace it, well, we practiced it. So we learned to fall on demand, get back up, refocus, and
V: OK
T: be back into our program still trying to amalgamate as many points as possible.
V: You know I remember once um I must have been in grade school and I and I failed a few subjects. I was never a good student.
T: OK
V: And you know we didn’t have a lot of money at the time and I remember my my dad, I was really afraid to tell him that you know I’ve failed these courses and blah blah blah, but he said to the family, he said, alright everybody get ready we’re going for dinner. And we went to this restaurant that was only saved for like birthdays or anniversaries. And so we get there and he’s ordering all these great things on the menu and I’m like “dad, I don’t think you heard me like I failed, like I failed and here you are taking it t the restaurant.” And I remember he looked at me and he said “You know I want you to celebrate this failure. I want you to take it in because if you’re winning all the time, you’re not going to learn anything.”
T: Wow, and obviously that stayed with you
V: Oh yeah, you’re always going to learn so much more from the losses.
This next set of questions is called the two cents round, so you can’t overthink these things.
Tessa, we all know about your discipline but what do you splurge on?
T: Clothes
V: Clothes, OK, all right. What part of your budget are you working on lowering?
T: Clothes (big laugh). Actually not really because I will say, it’s more what it represents like part of that is like my I love it and it’s become also intertwined with my career and my brand if you will. Um
V: Its an investment in yourself.
T: I think so, that’s how I twist it
V: So, what is us the best financial decision you’ve made so far?
T: Hire the right people
V: Building the right team around you.
T: Yeah absolutely.
V: Describe your financial persona in just one word.
T: I want to say careful?
V: Careful.
T: Careful in that I’m strategic
V: I like that, OK
T: But I’m willing to have some fun.
V: OK, all right. Tessa if you could run any business, what would it be?
T: My own.
V: Your own. OK. All right I’m not going to push you more. [Tessa laughs]. They say patience is a virtue, how long did your first paycheck last?
T: I mean I spent my whole career basically operating at a deficit, so everything went back into training. I worked towards certain things and the you know I was really fortunate to get some funding and bursary grants, and then eventually sponsors and um was able to build this little nest egg, but mostly it went right back into training.
V: Tessa, this year we’ve been having such important and meaningful conversations about women in sport. And you know of course there’s such a long way to go for those conversations really to achieve equality, but as somebody who’s such a big advocate for women’s empowerment in sport, how do you feel that you want to lend your voice to those conversations?
T: I think, currently the biggest impact I feel I can have is really connecting with those young female athletes at that precipice of maybe dropping out um for all the heart breaking reasons that we’re learning about through research. Whether that is you know body image, or lack of self-confidence, lack of self-worth, it’s just not good enough. Like the access to resources, there are opportunities, um I think those conversations are really important and that’s where I’ve been feeling most fulfilled, when I’m able to connect with those athletes and you know I’ve been able to benefit from all of the lessons and the opportunities that sport has lended it uh to my life. And I just so want that for other female athletes. And you know we’re seeing that there are more mentors, more representation, more access to viewing these formidable female athletes, and I hope that resonates.
V: Tessa, we’ve uh had the opportunity to work on a few branded campaigns together. There’s this Tessa grace, and there’s this element of everything being held to a certain standard. In everything that you do, especially things that are public facing. Talk to me a bit about that.
T: I hate the word brand but I’m going to say it, my brand has been
V: I mean you definitely have a very strong brand
T: Well it’s been built on the very foundation of me and my personality and if those values aren’t upheld in every sense of you know the word, then I’m I’m not useful to anyone. Then I’m then no brand would want to hire me, um because it if it gets diluted, then I then I just think um it’s losing the very essence of what resonates with people. And I’m really careful about that like I only partner and pair with brands that I would authentically stand behind and feel really good about promoting.
V: I love that
T: And I’m conscious of where I lend my voice and my likeness, a very clear mission statement, and you know I love to be hands on but that’s where like the creative fulfilment comes in
V: Right
T: And honestly that’s where the most successful engagement also comes. If I’m involved and it’s a collaborative process, um it’s much more successful for the brand too.
V: You know, over this past year, there’s been such a strong connection to mental health and financial wellness. Many Canadians have a very high debt to income ratio, which can be very stressful. For you, how do you protect not only your mental health, but when it comes to financial wellness. How do you really protect your sanity?
T: As an amateur athlete I grappled with that um day after day. I think it’s important to find purpose in saving and planning. So, you know my mom started those conversations with me when I was young but that was all to sort of plant the seed of like you need to plan for this. And if you’re going to build something you need options in your life. For me you know it’s helped having a corporation for example, because a lot of my money is tied up there and it it’s great um but, it’s also made me very careful and strategic in how I spend it.
V: What is your one big piece of financial advice to all young women out there?
T: Surround yourself with the right people and set yourself up for independence.
