#hospital trigger

[impalaimagining]

My mom is currently being prepped for surgery and the RN is putting her IV in and I can't stop shaking. Someone please send Sam Winchester.

[snorlax-and-co]

Great, not only does my sister have covid again, my niece also has it this time. They’re not currently very ill but anyone who’s followed us for a while may remember my sister’s health issues last year.. the hip replacement that had to be done a second and then a third time due to infections, the most recent one that developed because her body was too busy fighting off covid. She’s still in recovery and I really hope that doesn’t happen again because she only has a ‘temporary’ hip replacement in currently (meant to last up to a year) I genuinely don’t know what they’d do if she got another infection, they can’t just keep doing replacement after replacement! I’m more worried about her for that reason than actual covid which feels like a really weird thing to say. I’m scared of her needing hospital/surgery and not being able to access it because of the current wave, like last time when she had to wait at home with an serious infection for over 6 weeks because they didn’t have the staff to do the urgent surgery she needed.. I think this is one of the things that is scaring me a lot - not necessarily covid itself but if loved ones need medical care and can’t access it because of the current strain covid is putting on the health system. It also doesn’t help that my sister and brother in law have been making excuses to not let my niece have the jab so her getting covid could have potentially been avoided, which in itself is infuriating. Thankfully my sister finally got her booster last month so hopefully that will stop the above situation happening again.. I just can’t understand how after all this they’re still so fucking blasé about covid. 

[snorlax-and-co]

The last few days have been so exhausting and emotionally draining. Our sister’s operation yesterday ended up taking around 6 hours so we had so much anxiety waiting for updates.. We were quite worried because even though she was the first operation of the day she was in recovery a long time, she didn’t wake up til midnight apparently. She’s still got a long way to go but hopefully things will start getting better soon, without any more complications. I guess we won’t know if the surgery was a success in getting rid of the infection til they can take samples again but she’s staying on 3 IV antibiotics, obviously a shit ton of pain meds and is having another blood transfusion today. The fact that they had to re-do the original op sucks, they had to take out the new hip replacement and metal work from 3 weeks ago, do an antibiotic washout, re-do another replacement and use antibiotic cement. If that doesn’t get rid of the infection I don’t know what would happen next.. but I’m trying not to think about that, hopefully it’s not likely.. not that any of this was routine, she’s just been really really unlucky.

I think I became kind of numb to deal with the level of anxiety and other shitty feelings and I still feel very distant, which I guess is my mind protecting me but I know the dam is going to break at some points and all the feelings are going to come flooding out. I’ve been wanting to cry but it just won’t happen. Other parts are dealing with it differently, especially younger parts, but I can’t seem to access my own feelings. I guess I always had to keep my feelings bottled up when my sister was in hospital/recovering as a kid because there just wasn’t room for them. I’m trying hard to remind myself I’m adult now, so is she, and I’m allowed to be anxious, I can lean on my partner for emotional support, I don’t have to deal with all the bad feelings myself. My body doesn’t seem to have got the message though as it’s been doing all the crappy *trauma responses* for the past week or so.. 

I sent V an email yesterday just to let her know what’s been happening because we didn’t have a session last week. I’ve told her some feelings and memories have been bought up and I do want to discuss them but I can’t do it while this situation is ongoing, it feels too raw. We’ve been getting updates mainly through our mum and I do appreciate being kept in the loop but it got a bit too stressful yesterday. Because the op was in the morning we were expecting to hear from the doctor by the afternoon and when that didn’t happen our mum got more stressed and I was trying to be calm for her via text because.. well, I guess because I’ve always been that for my mum. Again that meant there was no room within the family for me to freak out. Several parts are actually quite pissed she put a lot on us knowing full well how anxious we already were. For me it comes down to we’re all adults now, our dad should be comforting mum because he’s physically there with her, she should recognise our sister is an adult with a husband who is going to be the one getting the doctors calls etc and passing on the information to us. I don’t know if it’s a control thing - all the operations when we were kids, obviously our parents would be there with our sister, they’d get all the updates as things happen, and maybe she’s struggling with that. By late afternoon she was pissed that my brother in law wasn’t phoning the hospital for an update even though she knew the doctor promised he’d call with an update as soon as he could. Plus my brother in law is looking after the kids on his own through all this and it was their dinner time ish so he probably didn’t want to make that phone call in front of them. She ended up phoning the ward herself a bit later on anyway before the surgeon was able to phone with the planned update because it was taking longer than however long she’d got it into her head it would take.. 

It’s been a scary 24 hours because we didn’t really know what was happening, just that mum was stressed and pissed that no one phoned to let us know she was out of surgery and in recovery. This morning our mum said she was worried our sister might end up in the ICU and while I get things can go wrong in surgery I’m sure we would have been informed if anything awful had happened. It just all feels a bit dramatic on her part. My partner said this morning she’s never seen this side of my mum before and it got me thinking.. if she was like this with my sister as an adult, what was she like when she was in hospital when we were kids? Maybe she was more stressed because of the lack of control and that because of covid no one can visit, but still she must know how stressed we are too.. No we don’t always say it because we don’t have much experience doing that but she knows how bad our anxiety gets.. It’s just frustrating that a lot of my limited energy was used up trying to be the voice of reason for her rather than dealing with my own anxieties and our system’s feelings.

I’m really hoping this was the worst part of this whole situation and our sister will start to recover moving forward. We found out this kind of infection happens in less than 1% of cases so she’s been so unlucky (having a DVT/blood clot too) though multiple surgeries in the past may have increased her risk level. I feel sad that we can’t go and visit her because I know she’s really fed up, even with hospital phobia I would visit if I could. I can’t see my niece and nephew either, I’ve talked to my niece a bit on WhatsApp but she’s at that age of one word answers and doesn’t seem to want to talk about what’s going on (which is fine obviously, I just wish I could support them more). I don’t think my body/mind have relaxed at all yet, I know there should be relief she made it through the op okay but apparently I’m just stuck in this feeling wired but exhausted mode.. I hope that wears off soon because we have therapy on Monday and I want to be able to function for that. 

This is a big ramble so thank you to anyone who has read this far and thank you for all the supportive comments we’ve received on here, with extra special thanks to @felispatronus for talking to us yesterday and sharing beautiful cat pictures 💜 I’ll end this here or I’ll just keep typing.. plus my head is pounding 😣

[snorlax-and-co]

Just wanted to say sorry if we're a bit quiet at the moment and aren't replying to messages as quickly as normal. The situation with our sister has taken a turn for the worse - she developed a bad infection, now she's got to have another hip replacement (originally done only 3 weeks ago) on Friday with new antibiotic cement (that's a thing apparently), new metal work and an antibiotic washout. She's already on 3 antibiotics IV. We're struggling with the news as it's obviously worrying and triggering for us on many levels 😞

- a blurry anxious blob

[snorlax-and-co]

Hey. It’s C from Australia. Been thinking of you guys. And have seen the posts and all the challenges you’ve got at the moment. I’m sending good thoughts for you and your family. For your sister. Your partner. You guys are doing an amazing job during all of this. It’s fricken hard. And you’re getting through. And it’s ok if that doesn’t feel ok. And if (like us) it crashes on you afterwards. Keep breathing 1/2

2/2 the stuff you’ve been sharing about how it’s going with the new therapist but also the complex feelings with your other therapist - feeling for you guys massively. We’re having a lot of issues around attachment/needs/and if someone is “real” in our life with our therapist. It’s hard. But I wanted to end on some nicer stuff? What tv are you watching at the moment? Or phone games? Or anything that’s keeping you going? We have a couple of games on the iPad that distract sometimes....

3/2 one more- soz. We are trying to watch the last two seasons of Supernatural but concentration is hard. We now have an Eeyore plush who gets hugged so much I’m pretty sure he hates it haha. Our cat is napping on the floor, but I’m sure she says hi. And do you have a fav food or drink at the moment? (If that’s comfortable to share). We’ve been craving some pasta. But haven’t been cooking for awhile. Anyway. We think of you. Sending hugs. And pats for the cats :)

Hey lovely, nice to hear from you guys as always 😊 Thank you for your kind words, they’re really appreciated. Yes we definitely crash after pushing through things as well - that’s what we seem to be doing constantly at the moment! Medical/hospital trigger: Our sister is still in hospital, they’ve found what type of infection she has and she’s on 3 IV antibiotics now, for the specific type of infection, hopefully seeing the consultant today to see what the plan is moving forward.. It’s a lot of waiting to be updated right now (end of medical/hospital trigger). I’m sorry you’re having such issues with your therapist lovely, I hope things feel a little safer for you soon.  Um we’ve been watching the current season of Grey’s Anatomy and Station 19 (not good for covid anxiety though, big warning there, we have to be in the right headspace to watch it). I honestly can’t think what else we’re watching at the moment, mostly random stuff.. Holly and my partner watch a lot of shows in the evenings - mostly crime drama shows (yep, bit weird for a 10 year old lol but she loves them and I think she’s a lot older mentally..) As for games, a lot of us play the Cat Collector Game, we’ve been playing it for so long we’ve run out of levels right now haha.. um Holly still plays Hogwarts Mystery.. not a lot else at the moment because our tablet is kinda shit and says it doesn’t have space to download more games (which is nonsense). It’s very old and needs replacing ideally.

The main thing keeping me going is my partner right now honestly, this weekend and the last couple of weeks have been incredibly stressful and she’s been able to stop me completely freaking out (with what’s going on with our sister).  I’m sure your Eeyore plush loves all the hugs! I know all the Eeyores we’ve ever hugged were very happy about it 😊 Our Eeyore plush is still a favourite, I’m so glad you have one too. I’ve only seen the odd episode of Supernatural but Holly and my partner have watched it all - I know they enjoyed it so I hope your concentration improves so you can enjoy it soon! I’m really struggling with concentration too right now so can relate 😑

Food and drink.. Um Cory had a craving for jelly with fruit in it recently so we’ve had some of that.. I personally only really drink squash and energy drinks lol others like different pop and stuff but I don’t think any of us are bothered by hot drinks (apart from warm squash or honey and lemon when we’re ill). Say hi to your cat from us and thank you, I will give ours cuddles for you. I hope your week is going well lovely. Take care, sending lots of safe hugs to anyone who would like some 💜

[snorlax-and-co]

Triggered

Stupid triggers. I have to take horrible chalky pills for period cramps. I really struggle with especially white, big and chalky pills because of the overdoses that landed us in hospital.. They were all Paracetamol overdoses, which are white chalky pills too. 

We were admitted 4 times for treatment when Andrew took overdoses. It was hell. It was hot in the hospital. You have to drink charcoal. The treatment makes you throw up and feel super queasy. I felt weak. Trying to move around with a cannula in your arm (and foot on one occasion) is not fun. Not being able to sleep for days of treatment is so draining. Having doctors lecture you about an overdose you didn’t take and med students gathering round your bed is humiliating. Already having hospital phobia because of childhood and being on a ward of elderly people.. urgh all of it, it’s just horrible. 

It’s stupid, one pill got stuck in my throat and I’m right back there.