#howdoilife

[everythinghurtsanditsnotokay]

I'll be 30 in 4 months. I moved out 6 years ago; went no contact 3 years ago; and still can't get used to this whole agency thing.

It's been a week since my approved FMLA was up, a few days before Short-term dissability ran out. Because the stress of trying to get back on track planning a wedding 3 months out with the thought of going back to a job, that has clearly added to my ptsd, which i thought was fucking under control, while never knowing what will trigger a vertigo migraine, because if i get a call in the middle i can't fucking articulate words, and don't get me started on the fact that every part of my body hurts constantly; i probably won't be able to fit into my dress. Thanks to apparently magical asian genes I don't stink wven though I haven't showered because I would have to put down my fucking phone. Which i can't because i have to look around at the mess the apartment is because I can't fucking deal with dishes (trigger: used to have to do them 3 timea a day, got pneumonia from being yelled out for not doing them while i was fucking sick, seen my glasses knocked off my face fly over them.) Not to mention there is no place to be alone except the fucking bathroom, so i'm probably prolapsed because even when im not dealing with ibs ill just spend a fucking hour in here. Sidetracked. Again.

My fucking drs. Never sent the paperwork to extend the leave, or called me back. Didn't even send the bloodwork to aetna. Texted my sup a shortened less sidetracked version and said i think i need to quit for my health. Which is shorthand for, I barely have the sanity to write a coherent text for fucks sake please tell me how to quit in the least confrontational way possible because every time my phone rings I stare at it like it's a T-Rex.

And she texted back that yes aetna told her they closed the claim, i should probably talk to the (in office) nurse.

I can barely text.

Cannot fucking make a corporate call.

Can't even get in the car except to go to (fiance's) grandparents.

And even then i lay down to feel as small as possible as i pass by work as if someone's going to stick their head through the window like the fucking kool aid man and tell me if i feel good enough to listen to the radio i feel good enough to go to work.

Can't even go near the window, for fear that i'll half to talk to another human.

But yeah, walking into work to talk to the nurse who will only give me a brochure for the shitty assistance line and only has advil and ice packs, sounds swell.

I had severe phone anxiety before i started the job, but god damn it. They gave me a script for the few outbound calls i had to make.

If only i had one for every call i had to make id be better.

The next day i got another text that OAR called her and needed me to call them. Had to google the abbrieve. I dont need the office of accessibility relations. I need the office of let me quit and someone else pick up my stuff for me because id like to hide in the farthest corner in the back of the room, preferably on the other side of the bed which was always my safe spot except my bed is in the corner because this apartment is so fucking tiny and i need my bed wall space.

Except i havent responded or called or texted back because im just so tired. And i just want it do be done with so im not feeling guilty and beating myself up for relaxing..

I have like 12 hard cover books in that office.

All my favorite books.

The clearing out my desk because im quitting because im not even human right now is so torrentially embarrassing for me that i cant even breathe.

Also i just watched bridget jones for the first time, and there were so many moments I was like...

HOW ARE YOU ABLE TO GO BACK IN FRONT OF PEOPLE AFTER THAT?!

HOW ARE YOU NOT IMAGINING A BUS RUNNING OVER YOU TO END THE EMBARASSMENT.

Oh god the firepole bit like.

. Can you ghost a job.

Am i doing that now?

I'm tired, finally. Its 4 am. I need to take my 6 pills because my ribs randomly hurt.

[jilly-m-blog1]

In work or something, absolutely fine. In a social setting, awkwardrunawayfastyes. You always imagine "next time, I'll totally be more confident and actually talk to people. Make friends and all that" then comes the running. How do you people again? #doodle #doodles #postit #postitdoodle #traindoodle #socialanxiety #anxiety #confidence #runaway #meep #peopleing #howdoilife #jillymclellan #illustration

[danlovelock]

Gonna have to put my money where my mouth is on this one…

[lofted-like]

I've started reading financial blogs for young adults and I’m feeling anxious to get my own life started. There is so much I want to do and I’m going to be so prepared financially once I get up on my feet. 

Did you know that less than half of graduated millennials are investing/saving for retirement? It is horrible considering investing in something like a 401k right when you get out of college is critical for accumulating compound interest. Basically, if I was going to invest $6k a year into my 401k and I started when I’m 23 instead of 24, then I would be $80k richer by the time I retire. That’s intense shit! However, the reason why many people our age aren’t investing in something like this is because the ridiculous cloud of student loans which looms over our heads for years and even decades.  Luckily for myself, my parents (especially my dad) are extremely wise, caring, and financially sound enough to that they could pay for most of my schooling. That should have only $3,000 in loans by the time I graduate (funny thing, for a while I thought it was 10x that and I was a little stressed about it). It was smart of me to have chosen a cheap in-state public school that is actually pretty reputable, and they have this amazing built-in internship program called co-op. Throughout my schooling, I’ve had 5 semesters of internships and probably made about 50k or more pre-tax (since yes, they were paid). This program also makes it extremely likely that I will graduate with a job. It also helps that I spent all 5 internships with the same company. So yes, I comparatively have been pretty lucky when it comes to my family’s financial situation. But I also made smart decisions that worked well with that luck. This financial stuff is still pretty new to me. I’ve only just started to read up on all these important things that I want to be doing once I’m earning a salary. I’ve always been one to anticipate for the future and when I can sense a chapter in my life coming to a close, I get extremely anxious and almost obsessive over planning. For example, I remember back in high school when I was visiting colleges and choosing a major. Several times my friend and I would go to this 24 hour cafe down the street and drink coffee for hours until it was 1 AM or so. We would talk about where we wanted our lives to take us in the near future and even a couple chapters past that. It is mostly general concepts with a few core plans.  Finally I am planning to start my own life. Become financially independent and make my parents proud. I think that I’m getting to into this because of a few reasons (other than the obvious ones). Ever since I can remember, my dad has stressed to me how important it is to be financially secure. He definitely instilled the importance in me... but we are also both cancers and financial stability is a desire that most cancers have! This whole thing also reminds me of... dare I say... Runescape. I used to spend countless hours playing this “mindless computer game”, but I think it had its advantages. For those who don’t know, Runescape is an MMORPG (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game) which basically means it’s a virtual reality game where you can interact with other real people who are playing it. There is not really a singular goal or way to win, it just goes on forever and you can do whatever you want. I think this game really helped me learn how to set goals and achieve them. All I ever wanted in runescape was money and skills, and maybe a little bit of combat power. Why? Who the fuck knows. It was just fun for me. So I set goals and tried to achieve them. I figured out different ways to make money. Sometimes this was done by using in-game skills. Sometimes this was done by trading around and investing in different items and selling them when they became more expensive (read: playing the stock market /lol). Anyways, I just wanted to say fuck you to all the people (read: my parents) who thought I wasted my life on that mindless computer game that I would get nothing out of. ANYWAYS. Another thing I found out from my recent readings is that it can be a good idea to get a side-hustle for extra income. I will probably be making enough once I graduate to live pretty comfortably while keeping this investment stuff in mind. However, I am a greedy little fuck. Thought I don’t quite mean greedy in a bad way. I’m not and never will be a billionaire who pay’s his employees what I view to be slave wages (plz understand that term doesn’t apply to actual slave wages when slavery was happening). I mean greedy in a sense that I’m determined to get money and be a boss ass bitch. I’ve also always envisioned myself as being more of an entrepreneur, and hopefully I become more educated on that during this next phase of my life so that I can use the funds I’ve gained to to make that entrepreneur dream a reality. So I’ve been thinking about a few different things and already have at least 2 ideas that I’m probably going to try out or at least investigate further. The first would be to start a blog. No, not a tumblr blog. A real blog where I actually write about useful and interesting things. I’m going to start practicing my blog writing on this tumblr, and I meant to start with this post. I guess it kinda works but my goal is to be a good writer who uses topic sentences, re-reads and edits their posts, shows a fluid/cohesive thought process/piece, and focuses on one topic without constantly getting derailed. So yes, I have a lot of practicing to do this next year. I’ve been active on tumblr for almost 4 years and how cool would it be if I actually started a blog that made me a little bit of cash?  The second idea I have is to buy a vacation home. This is definitely a weird concept but makes sense once you understand my situation. Basically in the field I will be working in, it is common to move every 3 years making it extremely impractical to buy a house. I could be working in Baltimore the first 3 years of my professional life and then be shipped to the middle of fucking South Dakota or something like that. So I figure, after my first X amount of years of working I’ll have enough for a solid down payment on a house. I’ll get one in a good spot that I would like to vacation to, and I’d even let my family go there when they want! But how will I afford a mortgage on top of paying rent wherever I’m working? Even if my blogging side-hustle works out to be decent, that would be tough to manage. The answer is Airbnb. If this home is in a good vacation spot, I should be able to rent out the place atleast for certain parts of the year. Then, I can use that money to make the mortgage payments. This is an interesting type of side hustle, because all the money I get from renting the place out would go toward paying the mortgage, and my savings acct would never get to see the green. However, it would add to my worth and once it is paid off I will have either: a home that I can sell for much more than I had to personally pay for, a home I can retire to, or a nice vacation spot and and extra source of income while I’m retired.  So yeah, a lot has been on my mind the past week and I wanted to get it all down. These long-ass posts are always just some form of therapy for me I guess, but expect to see more because I’ll be practicing my blog posting. Though, I don’t think anybody will read this far.... if you have, wtf?????

[remyolive]

I realized that im on stage 98 in pokemon shuffle while my friends are only on stage 15

[kaypup]

i have so much school work to focus on and i agreed to work three 12 hour shifts next week

what the fuck did i just get myself into

[not-so-smol-ghostly-thing]

Tumblr girl

That moment when a new girl shows up at your school being all pretty and shit...looking like she walked out of tumblr....and instantly wins over your crush cause you're a kawaii potato.

[knottycraftgirlsblog]

The theme of today

Eat hot wings, and smoke cigarettes.