I Like You Best When You’re At Home
The title of this hucklerobby fic is from the first verse of Ethel Cains “Dog Days,” which initially inspired it, but it’s a lot happier than the song. (Also this is my first fic I’ve finished and posted. I’m so nervous. It’s somewhat proofread, but it’s also 2:00 am)
Summary: Robby cuts his road trip short when he can’t stop thinking about Dennis, and they try to navigate their feelings for each other.
cw: subtle mentions of suicide
additional tags: fluff, soft angst, confessions? They’re obsessive losers in love, Trinity Santos feature
Robby knows he’s been a mess. He knows that his job, being the greatest thing he’s ever done, also feels like it’s killing him. It’s not the balance he keeps preaching people to find. It’s been suffocating, drowning, and he wanted an easy way out. It’s always been hard to ask for help, if the help had anything to do with him.
It’s been getting there. It’s not exactly better, but something is happening, he hopes.
The conversations with Jack and Duke have stopped him from throwing himself off his motorcycle so far.
Instead, over the first few weeks of his sabbatical starting in July, Robby had Jack help him find a better suited therapist, just as Jack promised to lay off the SWAT medic stuff for a while. Robby felt like maybe he was too self aware for it; didn’t know how the help would actually work. This new therapist seems better though. He’s been trying to keep himself hopeful.
Robby also took some time to actually plan a road trip. One that wasn’t just a cover up for riding until he disappeared. Even decided to take his car instead of the bike. He looked into more popular places in Alberta like; Banff, Jasper, even Calgary. It’s not that Head-Smashed-In-Buffalo-Jump wasn’t beautiful, or interesting, he just figured something conventional and not related to his previously fake trip would be better.
He’d start off his trip by going up to Chicago for a week, then to Winnipeg, then a few short stops as he’d go all the way west to Alberta. Still making sure to do video call sessions with his therapist at the longer stops.
He stayed in Alberta until late august, heading back earlier than planned. Not considering himself as someone who got homesick, yet he just kept wondering if being alone for that long was a good idea.
His mind kept bringing up the person that he was thinking of now; in early September at a diner an hour away from his house. He’s only come back for the person watching it— Dennis.
He hates how much he’s been dropping onto the intern since teasing a ‘if I don’t come back,’ when asking him to house sit back in July. Robby was almost grateful for Dr. Al-Hashimi cutting in immediately after Robby left the room before Dennis could interrogate his cryptic words. The look on his face was heartbreaking enough.
Dennis had seen Robby at his worst, one time, on his first day of his ER rotation when he was an MS4. Robby never really let that happen again. He needed to be good for Dennis. That perfection wall however, started to crumble after Robby left for his sabbatical.
He obviously had to tell Dennis that he didn’t have to house sit just yet. Then he had to explain why; the therapy situation, and a bit of why it was needed. Then kept gradually opening up more, not just because he had to, though it felt difficult sometimes. Their professional, surface level relationship started to slip over the weeks Robby was gone.
He found himself wanting to ask more about Dennis in between check-ins and self explanations, but Dennis was too good of a listener to open up any opportunity to. He felt closer to the intern despite him still being an alluring mystery.
Before, they both had an idea of what the other was dealing with, in terms of faith, since the Pitt Fest shooting last year. Robby sometimes felt like he was let in on a secret (though he’d been more vulnerable than Dennis) and he only understood how to help if need be, but Santos probably knows more after living with the kid. She probably knows why he was a undergrad theology major that ended up in med school. Probably knows more about his family than just an uncle who drunk himself to death.
Though, Santos didn’t seem to know the actual situation involving a patient’s widow, Amy and Dennis.
Robby understood the day before his sabbatical that Dennis was helping this woman at her farm for ten-ish months. Was it also treating his homesickness? Did his predisposition to being helpful eventually lead to them falling for each other? Dennis seemed so committed to going out there every other weekend when he was reluctant to leave the farm work to Amy’s friends and family. He seemed to love her baby, Theo. He had a perfect dynamic if you ignored how it started, and how it threatened to burn him out; make either of them involved too vulnerable.
Dennis hadn’t talked much about Amy, but noticeably not at all over the past few weeks. Robby doesn’t know if he’s stopped going to the farm all together, or if they’ve talked about boundaries. If he did stop, he doesn’t seem unhappy about it. This has helped remove the overly curious thoughts that unfortunately kept Robby up some nights; trying to understand if Dennis is or isn’t actually interested in Amy, if he’s sleeping with her, looking forward to a future with her, if she wanted Dennis to be Theo’s dad. Some of these thoughts were ridiculous, yes, but they still stupidly bothered him.
Robby continues to wonder if giving the intern a different favour was the right thing to do. Did he just enable Dennis’ altruism instead of looking out for him? Did he misinterpret his roommate’s concern? Did he secretly want Dennis to help him rather than the widow of a patient from nearly a year ago? It’s not really a secret, but was he seriously jealous of that? He really wants to believe that nothing did go on between them.
He has so much else to worry about; how his ED is running, how the people running it are, and hell— himself. But here he is: so worried about Dennis above everything else.
Robby checks in every day, or when he could on the road; short pleasantries for proof of life, followed by pictures from the trip so far. Also often reminding Dennis that he doesn’t need to be so careful in his house. Sure, maybe he’s deflecting, but he likes making sure Dennis is comfortable. Assuring him that can use his record player, borrow a book, cook in his kitchen (and even ask for grocery money), even sleep in his and only bed.
He wonders if Dennis keeps his belongings and toiletries neatly in a bag, or if he’s allowed himself to take up space; keep his toothbrush in the cup at the sink, let a small pile of necessities clutter itself on the nightstand. He strangely hopes that Dennis doesn’t treat this favour so seriously. That he isn’t anxiously keeping everything as if he can’t exist in Robby’s house. Dennis belongs there, even if Robby hasn’t properly seen it yet.
He liked having Dennis at an arms length, but it clearly didn’t last forever. Hell, when did he become “Dennis,” and not “Dr. Whitaker?” Robby doesn’t know what to do with that. Doesn’t know what to do with the selfish mix of feelings that rides high with the darkness. He doesn’t deserve to see Dennis in that light. But he is just too fucking sweet sometimes, all while knowing when to be up front with Robby’s self deprecation. Dennis is never cruel. It makes Robby sick like a hangover from good night out he stupidly wouldn’t mind repeating.
Dennis didn’t seem to mind Robby’s touches, which doesn’t help. His affirmative fist-bumps, and guiding shoulder squeezes at work — sometimes it felt like Dennis wanted them to linger. He wonders if Dennis noticed that Robby doesn’t do that to the other residents, or anyone else for that matter. He really wants to know how Dennis thinks of him aside from the advice he gives.
Amidst this introspection, Robby sighs as he reaches for his phone, slumped in the booth with just half a plate of fries left in front of him. It’s nearly 8:00 pm, too late to call Jack, not that he felt he really needed to (Jack would make the time anyway). No, he needed to talk to Dennis before he’d see him tonight, not just about him. He should be off by now, if it was an easy day.
Dennis and Trinity are heading home, tired feet taking them away from the mess of horrors that is the PTMC Emergency Department. The start of September has given them a slightly humid, but at least moderate temperature to walk in.
“What you wanna eat tonight before you slip away to your long distance boyfriend’s vacant home?” Trinity has been teasing Dennis about his, perfectly healthy level, work crush on Robby that has become to feel way less normal after starting to house sit for the man. In the early weeks she often said something like; “Wow, Robby made you forget all about Amy, huh?” Which wasn’t entirely wrong. Amy didn’t like Robby’s house rules (no babies), and immediately cut Dennis off because she thought that was what he was trying to do. Explaining himself— about his co-workers concern— just dug the hole deeper, so they’ve agreed to take a break from each other. Which made Dennis feel better; he noticed that her behaviour was getting more intimate, and he realized that he was accidentally leading her on. The consequences of being a gay people pleaser, he figured.
Dennis laughs, shaking off Trinity’s tease. “Thought we had leftover pizza from yesterday?” He suggests, or reminds, as he takes out his phone, automatically checking his texts. Nothing.
“Right.” She nods. Dennis can feel her looking down over his shoulder.
“You have the pizza, I’ll make ramen.”
“No, not— stop looking over my shoulder!” He hides his phone to his chest, though there’s nothing on it, and shrugs away from her.
“Why? Aren’t you just checking to see if your DILF gave you his sabbatical scoop of the day?” She grins, not stepping back from him.
His coy expression slips to a grin about how Robby’s check-ins have slowly become the best thing to look forward to over these past few weeks. “I’m watching his house, it’s normal for him to check in a lot. He’s just… concerned. Maybe.” He relaxes, lowering his arms, but still turns off his phone as he clutches it.
“Whatever you say Fuckleberry.” She steps slightly infront of him and he grimaces. She gives a pointed look to the screen as it lights up with Robby’s caller id.
Dennis feels his phone vibrate as he follows her eyes. Fumbling before picking up and lifting it to his ear.
“Why’s your long distance boyfriend calling you?” Trinity asks, jokingly, but still too close and loud to the mic. Guess it’s okay to make fun of your boss when they’re off duty, Dennis thinks with a pang of embarrassment.
“Hi, Robby! Sorry you had to hear that, shit,” he laughs, but really he’s mortified, and lightly shoves Trinity’s shoulder. “What’s up? Santos and I are just walking home.”
Dennis can hear his attending laugh before casually responding, “Just thinking.”
“Oh, yeah? You don’t normally call, everything okay?”
“Um…” Robby’s voice goes strange like when he’s confused about a med student’s unreasonable plan for treatment when presenting him a case. “Why don’t you call me back when you get home— my place, I mean— yeah?”
“Yeah, okay. You’re okay, though?” He tried his best to sound just generally concerned, curious.
“Yeah.” A pause. “Just thrown off by Santos I guess,” it’s sarcastic, and that makes Dennis mortified to a degree that makes him feel red-hot to the touch. His groan is nearly physically tangible for Robby through the phone.
“I’m sorry! I didn’t know she’d— that was so inappropriate— I don’t know why actually—“.
Robby cuts him off with another laugh, “It’s okay, Dennis. Just call back later?”
“Y-yeah, I will. Bye, Robby.” He hesitates to hang up, but Robby beats him to it.
“What was that about? Aside from me embarrassing you.” Trinity chimes in as Dennis tucks his phone away.
It’s not that Trinity was oblivious to Robby’s behaviour leading up to his sabbatical. She already had suspicions of him getting help because of her strange way of always having the correct ‘hunch,’ though no one said anything explicit to her. Dennis just said that he promised Robby not to talk too much about it, that Robby didn’t like the gossip. And Trinity being the cynical, yet most empathetic person she was, understood Robby’s need, or compulsion, for privacy. She very much had personal experiences that lead to this understanding, but Dennis understood that she still could be curious.
“Not much else. He just said to call back later.” Dennis replies truthfully, looking at the ground in front of him.
“Suspicious. You’re not worried though?” This was Trinity’s way of asking about Robby without asking for details.
“Not really? I’m trusting my gut on this. I think you just surprised him.”
“Well, if he didn’t like the joke he should stop being so weird. He’s just creating evidence.” Had Robby been weird? Clingy, maybe, but it wasn’t weird, right? Surely it was just Dennis’ weird obsession with him that made the frequency of attention feel special.
Dennis chuckles, “Not what I meant.”
They fall into comfortable silence, tiredness from their shift and the familiarity of the walk nearly lulls them a block before their building. Though, Trinity’s doctor voice, the one that asks casual questions to point out a specific diagnosis, hits Dennis’ ears.
“If he was being weird though, you’d tell me?” She side glances him as he looks up.
“Of course. He’s not. He wouldn’t—“
“I know. I’m just saying.”
“Mhm,” he hums with a nod.
“But…” she speaks in a tone that was used to tease him about Amy, and it now makes him flush again. Totally not because of the potential of there being any truth to this time, this situation, this person.
“Trin.” He’s quick to go inside the building’s entrance as they come up to it, still holding the door for a second as Trinity follows.
“Trinity—“ He nearly runs up the stairs to get away, but it’s stupid as they live together.
“If— if our kind attending were to ask… to hookup, or anything… would you say ‘yes?’”
He takes his time, letting the question raise his heart rate, considering the pros and cons as they climb the stairs up to their unit. Oddly, she doesn’t press, and he almost considers not answering. He looks at the keys in his hand with a thoughtful pout that relaxes with a laugh when he looks to her. “I would. Fuck, I would.”
Three pieces of pizza, and a routine after work shower later, lands Dennis in the passenger seat of Trinity’s Subaru as she gives him a ride to Robby’s at a quarter to 10:00.
“I don’t understand why you can’t just shower at Robby’s.”
“Sometimes I do. It just feels like I’m intruding.” Dennis shrugs, like it’s casual to avoid a place you were literally invited to be in.
“He literally fucking gave you his keys and asked you to house sit. For three months, might I add.” Trinity sighs, muttering: “you need to get over this crush.”
“What?! You were supportive of it like an hour ago.”
“I was just happy you were honest about your feelings. For figuring out that you can want something for once.”
“I’ve brought guys over before.” He knows he’s allowed to want things, though it’s been a mission to learn— to unlearn the love he experiences isn’t a sin.
She sighs again, but it’s like she can’t even believe what she’s about to say. “I feel like this is more than that.”
“I’m… I’m not in love with Robby.” His expression drops and he looks to her even as she keeps her eyes on the road.
“You seem to really care about him.” This level of earnestness from her is rare, but is always so meaningful that Dennis could believe anything she says. He already knows that he intensely cares for Robby, even if it expressed itself as anxious infatuation.
“I do.” He nods, letting his eyes follow Robby’s house out the window as Trinity pulls up to it.
“I don’t want details, but let me know if anything steamy happens over the phone tonight.” Her sarcasm is refreshing and washes away the near existential crisis he was about to have.
“Shut up,” he scoffs as he grabs his bag from the footwell, stepping out the passenger door. “See you tomorrow.”
Trinity drives away as Dennis goes up the steps with his boss’s keys in hand. However, when he grabs down on the handle to slide the key in, the door can open. He stops for a second, not letting go of the handle. Shit, had he forgotten to lock it? And did someone break in? How would he tell Robby if something did happen?
He takes a breath and convinces himself that nothing would’ve happened, that it’s fine. That the alarm would be going off since he did remember to set that this morning; he would’ve known earlier.
He lets the door close behind him as he enters, and immediately can tell that a light is on in the kitchen down the hall. He drops his bag and rushes down, turning the corner, finding Robby sitting at the kitchen island, who just simply smiles at Dennis’ panic with his elbow propping his head up. The warmth he feels when seeing those crow’s feet nearly makes him more scared.
“Holy shit— you scared the shit out of me! Why are you here? Did something happen?!”
“Just wanted to come back early.” By the way Robby’s breath catches, Dennis knows there’s something else he means to say.
“That’s it? You have like a month left of your sabbatical.” Dennis scoffs, then takes a breath, walking back to leave his shoes at the door.
“You didn’t miss me?” Robby calls down the hall.
“No, of course I did!” He’s quick to defend himself as he comes back. “I just mean, like, you still have time to be on a ‘spirit quest.’” He joins Robby at the counter, facing him and placing his elbow on the counter.
Robby turns in his chair to face Dennis as well, “That’s what the therapy is for.” And Dennis figures he’s right.
“So, you’re just back just because?”
Robby pauses, letting out a heavy breath. “It got kind of lonely. Even with keeping touch with everyone and being around people on the road.”
Dennis hums and nods, finding some understanding of the feeling when he remembers how he felt moving away for med school.
“Before I left, Jack— Abbot said that I need to ‘find someone to help me damce through the darkness.’” They both laugh at the night shift attending’s choice of words, then Robby continues, “I think he’s right though. It’s not that I don’t want a partner, it’s just been hard to keep one.”
Dennis nods again, though he hasn’t really had the privilege for even a chance at a long lasting, loving relationship.
“I keep pushing them away after a certain point, don’t know. I don’t really know why I’m telling you this.” Robby waves a hand, glancing away from Dennis for a second.
“It’s fine. Talk if you want to talk.” Dennis leans closer, hoping his expression gives that he’s willing to listen.
Robby doesn’t continue, instead asks about Dennis’ time here; “How was house sitting? Aside from when we’d check in.”
“Uh, yeah, it’s been great.” He nods.
“How come I found the couch set up like a bed though?”
Dennis sputters, feeling a bit bashful. “I didn’t have anyone over or anything! I just didn’t want to invade your space that much.” He was too ashamed to sleep in Robby’s bed after how he felt after three-ish weeks of doing so. Such a normal thing to wake up after having a wet dream about your boss while in said boss’s bed. He was afraid of where else his conscious mind would go if he tried to slept in it again.
“I said you could sleep in my bed.”
“I said it was fine, and I mean it. You can sleep in my bed whenever you want, honestly.”
“Well, I won’t have to anymore.” Robby looked disappointed at this. Why? There really wouldn’t be a reason for Dennis to sleep in his bed unless he got to play out the humiliating scenarios in his head. “I should probably get Trin to pick me up.”
“You can just stay here, it’s fine. Take my bed this time.” Robby’s decisiveness nearly pulls his heart from his chest through to the floor.
“Robby, it’s your bed and you just got back from a road trip. I’m fine on the couch… it’s been comfortable…”
“Dennis.” Robby continues to push gently; it’s not a warning, it’s a tender suggestion.
“Michael.” It’s meant as a light hearted tease, a stab back at the fact that Dennis was now ‘Dennis,’ but maybe Robby didn’t take it that way. Robby shortens his already near closeness, Dennis thought he was selfish for wanting it to close, but the both of them can’t help themselves.
Dennis feels Robby’s hand heavy but careful on his cheek, and he grabs at Robby’s shoulder as the both of them lean over the small distance between the barstools. It’s familiar in the sense he’s fallen asleep thinking to this exact scenario, except now it’s real breath and skin. Robby’s beard is slightly rough against Dennis’ skin, but it’s worth it for the taste of his mouth. It’s tangible and sweeter than he could imagine.
But something so sweet could last so long before Robby gently pushes him back. He’s not used to Robby pushing him away. He only experienced that once, and it was arguably warranted; this wasn’t. This hurt.
“Fuck, I’m sorry. We shouldn’t—“ Robby’s quick to turn in his seat, drop his face into his hands as his elbows clank on top of the counter.
“Robby, no— it’s okay—“ Dennis goes to reach out, but he hesitates. He holds back.
Robby sighs heavily, leaning his head further down to run his fingers through his hair. “Fuck.”
“Should I get Trinity to—“
“Stay.” Robby immediately raises his head, looking at Dennis.
“Okay,” Robby sighs, standing from his chair. “You should take the couch… I’m sorry for— we shouldn’t—“
“It’s okay.” Dennis stays at his spot, feeling embarrassed and hopeless.
Robby stretches, inhaling, then scratches the back of his neck like he normally does when he’s avoiding something. “I’m gonna go to bed.”
“Okay, ‘night.” Dennis remains at the kitchen island even after Robby goes down the hall, then upstairs. He just sits, thinking that he wants to erase the kiss just as bad as he wants another one to start and never end.
Eventually he gets up and turns the light off, using his phone flashlight to find the couch in the dark. As he sits down to climb in, he runs his tongue over his teeth. It’s that odd fuzzy texture that makes him realize that he should brush them. He has to. But he sighs as he realizes that his toothbrush is in Robby’s ensuite bathroom.
Despite not sleeping in Robby’s room anymore, he got used to doing his self care in his bathroom. Besides, it had more counter space than the powder room downstairs.
He climbs out, using his flashlight again to go up the stairs, turning to Robby’s door which has a soft glow under it. He knocks, and it’s returned with a conscious hum.
“Can I brush my teeth? My toothbrush is in your bathroom, sorry.”
Dennis turns off his phone light, and opens the door, finding Robby on his bed, changed into a simple grey shirt and pj pants. The nightstand lamp is on, and he’s holding a book. Dennis figures he probably wasn’t actually reading, however. He politely smiles as he walks by to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
As he’s brushing his teeth, all he can think is that he needs to say something, do something, apologize. For what, though? Both of them leant in. Robby seemed more flustered than disgusted, and that just made Dennis feel more conflicted. More like the want, the need he has is okay. That there could be a chance.
Once he’s spit and rinsed his mouth, he automatically returns the toothbrush to the cup. He reaches for the door and pulls it open, finding Robby in the doorway apparently ready to knock.
“I was thinking…” Robby almost looks sheepish. “Or actually, I wanted to explain.”
“Okay…” Dennis fidgets, swinging the door a bit.
“I came back because of you.”
“What?” He can’t tell if he should be flattered or worried.
“I couldn’t stop thinking about you. And I know it’s been weird with me being gone and dumping so much onto you. I feel like I’ve let you down—“
“I’m not finished.” They both take a breath. “I just kept wondering if I’d been doing too much. If I should’ve just talked to you after Santos said something about Amy instead of giving you another thing you felt obligated to do.”
Dennis looks down at the tile, taking Robby’s words in. “I think what happened with Amy needed to end like that. Or else it would’ve been messier— I realized I was kind of leading her on.” He let himself look at Robby again. “I never wanted anything more than to help her, but I guess the vulnerablity made things blur with her.”
Robby nods, letting Dennis continue.
“I’ve liked helping you, but I’ve also liked getting closer to you. I got used to checking if you’d update me on your trip, looking through your music when I couldn’t sleep— understanding the actual person you are just by being in your space.”
Robby still somewhat sheepish, smiled at that. God, Dennis really did miss those crow’s feet.
“I haven’t been the most open, but I guess, like you, I don’t really know how to ask for help when I need it. How to want things that aren’t prompted first.”
“But it’s felt more natural wanting things with you. Which, I hope doesn’t sound too crazy.” Robby almost looks like it’s painful to hear that, but Dennis hopes it’s because maybe Robby feels similarly to him.
Robby comes closer again, stepping over the threshold from carpet to tile. His hand comes up softly to Dennis’ jaw, tilting it upward. Dennis nods in the grip and reaches up to seal himself to Robby again.
This kiss is softer, more sure. Dennis lets himself be grabbed and nudged into the counter. Gentle and curious hands find themselves grasping onto the other’s shoulders, necks, faces. Until they loosen to breathe.
“So you can kiss me, but not sleep in my bed?” Robby exhales against Dennis’s temple.
“I did a couple times.” He chuckles, catching his breath.
“Oh, really?” Robby seems amused by that. “Think you can again, tonight?”
“Yeah.” Dennis smiles, stealing another kiss.
a/n: I edited this a bit after first posting because I realized there were some mistakes, and some stuff just bothered me lol
