I’ve recently broken up with my boyfriend, and the more i think about it, the more i realize i didn’t really feel anything towards him. We were together for almost a year, and I just didn’t feel anything. I’ve also been married before and I realized soon after our divorce I never loved him. I’ve felt fleeting attraction before, but for fictional characters. I am very confused please help.
(submitted by @hufflepuffle4)
[Reply under the cut]
I’d say what you’re describing sounds pretty common for aro or arospec folks. The definition for the term “greyromantic” of the lgbta wikia (which I think is one of the most popular definitions) includes e.g. infrequent, fleeting or ambiguous attraction. It also specifically lists
“Feeling unsure about how to identify romantic attraction or how to draw the line between romantic and non-romantic, and consequently feeling unsure about having experienced it or not”
as a greyromantic experience, which many greyros will be able to confirm.
Of course, human feelings and experiences are a lot more diverse than we can often put into words or clearly define. Ultimately, it comes down to how you feel. I’ve previously seen (and used) the example of a colour spectrum between blue and red: One end is definitely blue, the other is definitely red, but when you look at the middle, things get kind of muddled. How far along the gradient can you go before the colour is not “red” anymore? When do you start calling it “blue” instead?
It’s the same with the (a)romantic spectrum - there is no absolute definition or criteria you have to fulfill to be arospec. No “maximum number of crushes per year” or “maximum intensity of attraction”. If you share experiences with the greyro community and feel like it fits you, then you are greyro. If you prefer a more specific term describing exactly how your attraction works, many different arospec identities have already been coined. If you prefer to go with aro, that’s okay too - it can be used as an umbrella term, just like greyro.
Identity - sexual, romantic, gender or any other - is highly personal. If you are looking for permission or confirmation to call yourself greyro, I’d say go ahead. Even if your feelings change or you see them differently at some point in the future, this is still who you are right now - so if you feel that you are greyro, then you are, in fact, greyro.
