I have salted caramel black bean brownies for you on Monday, so you better have a seriously good bible rap ready for me.
PERRY MCINTOSH IF YOU KEEP THIS UP I MIGHT HAVE TO ASK YOU TO MARRY ME! I WILL HAVE YOU A RAP WHIPPED UP IN NO TIME. DO YOU HAVE ANY PREFERENCES?! OR CAN I SURPRISE YOU?
Happy 21st birthday to one of the best chefs I know!
I know that I didnt need to get you anything for your birthday, but I wanted too! Anyways, it took me a while because I was thinking. “What do you get one of the chefs who might have anything?” Though, I finally found somethings for you! Some of them has puns on them, but what do you expect?
Happy birthday to my main man, @perrymcintosh otherwise known as Perry the Platypus. I will save the sap for the maple syrup I’m gonna hand craft you since you’re all about that farm to table artisan thing, but please know that I love the shit out of you and I’m so lucky to have your handsome mug around.
& a CINFULLY happy birthday to @gretchenmcintosh and @perrymcintosh. this is a real, authenticated, never-before-seen selfie of us having a great time together. they’re laughing bc i’m so witty and take great, obviously not photoshopped group selfies. don’t we look great????? anyway, happy bday. let’s make more memories like this one.
Dude, Happy Birthday. I can’t think of a better guy who deserves the best birthday in the history of ever. Like, seriously. I know I’m totally in love with your sister but if you ever decided you were into men, you know where to find me. I’ll wait for you. I’m kidding. Or am I.
I’m really glad that we’re friends again. I don’t know what I would do without you. I know we had a rough thing for a while there and I definitely know that it was my fault, but I also know that I’d be pretty much lost without you. Thanks for giving me another chance. This gift also includes dinner out to a restaurant of your choosing (but seriously, LOL if you think I’m letting you or Gretchen pay tonight.) You’re my man and I love you. Let’s get married.
Happy birthday, @perrymcintosh! You escaped the Upper West Side craze with me and I couldn’t be more psyched to have you as my partner in crime. (I’m only half saying that because you always seem to be putting food in front of my face.) Thanks for not being an asshole during our youth and for being as much of an awkward mess as I am.
If you ever tell anyone about how sappy I’m about to be, I’ll do something really mean for revenge.
I’m really glad you’re my brother. The rest of our family sucks, but you’re one of the few things in this world that keeps me sane. Thank you for coming to me when things got weird in high school and thanks for always being there to take care of me. I know you’re the faerie that stocks my fridge. I know how you struggle to watch movies with me because you know it makes me happy.
Point is, it’s really nice to have a brother who doubles as my best friend. I know you’ll always be there for me and I hope you know I’ll always be there for you, too, even if my head is wedged up my ass most of the time.
Oh, I know these aren’t a lot, but there’s more. I’m going to buy you a pair of boat shoes, but I need you to come with me for the correct sizing.
Also, this is the promise that I’m funding a foodie road trip across America. I didn’t book it because we need to figure out dates. I figured it could be the two of us. Maybe Elijah, if you wanted. Or you two can go and do something vaguely gay together and I’ll fund it. Or you can take a girl. On my dime. We’ll talk about it.