i will run but i know that i am beat.

WHEN YOU FEEL JUST LIKE A TOURIST in the city you were born, then it's time to go. If you're looking for one of those Gretchen Weiner parody blogs, you will be disappointed. If you're looking for the Gretchen of itsgretchbetch from Youtube, then congratulations! Your reward will consist of a copious amount of puns and shameless self promotions. For everyone else, I'm Gretchen McIntosh. I'm a Sophomore at Hamilton University in Chicago, where I major in journalism and minor in statistics. Because I don't think you guys can get enough of me, you can find me doing stand-up on the weekends at various comedy clubs around the city.

[gretchenmcintosh]

TEXTS 📱 MCROSE

ELIJAH: I THINK YOU CAN NOW HEAR ME SCREAMING

ELIJAH: Um, assuming whatever you tell me to?

ELIJAH: What does this have to do with me being on thin ice?

GRETCHEN: You're such a fucking loser.

GRETCHEN: You'll be off thin ice if you answer this question in the affirmative.

GRETCHEN: Do you want to take a weekend New York trip with me? I've got my interview that Friday and then we'll have banged in TWO states instead of just one. Also all the dumb couple city things, blah blah blah. If you really want to hate yourself, you can meet my parents!! (I don't advise it.)

[gretchenmcintosh]

TEXTS 📱 MCROSE

ELIJAH: BRB, GONNA GO SCREAM INTO MY PILLOW

ELIJAH: i'm on thin ice? i hope i have skates :\

GRETCHEN: We're dating, you goober.

GRETCHEN: What are you doing March 11th-14th?

[gretchenmcintosh]

TEXTS 📱 MCROSE

ELIJAH: WE'RE SORRY, THE NUMBER YOU ARE TRYING TO REACH COULD NOT BE COMPLETED AS DIALED wait

ELIJAH: You called me darling? :)))))))))

ELIJAH: I'M YOUR DARLING? :))))))

GRETCHEN: WELL YOU DO GO DOWN ON ME AND IF THAT'S NOT DARLING MATERIAL THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS

GRETCHEN: but you're on thin ice rose

[gretchenmcintosh]

TEXTS 📱 MCROSE

GRETCHEN: heeeeey

GRETCHEN: heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey

GRETCHEN: HEEEEEEEEEEEY

GRETCHEN: YO BITCH

GRETCHEN: I'm sorry. That was very hostile of me.

GRETCHEN: Elijah, darling, please look at your phone, ya fucker.

[gretchenmcintosh]

@roselijah: @itsgretchbetch My End User License Agreement doesn't cover betrayal.

@itsgretchbetch: @roselijah Fucking Apple.

@itsgretchbetch: @roselijah I guess I'm stuck. Can I at least change my settings so you have an accent?

[gretchenmcintosh]

@roselijah: @itsgretchbetch I'M SIRI

@itsgretchbetch: @roselijah You've been Siri all this time? Now I know true betrayal.

[gretchenmcintosh]

@WhyWyattClarington: @itsgretchbetch Siri wants some.

@itsgretchbetch: @whywyattclarington Sorry, Siri. I'm just not that into you.

@itsgretchbetch: @whywyattclarington (Except I need to keep on Siri's good side because she could fuck up my life if she so chose. I am at her mercy.)

[gretchenmcintosh]

@itsgretchbetch: I forgot I told Siri to call me "Sugar" and I was taken aback by her very forward approach this morning.

[hamiltongossip-blog]

@gretchenmcintosh could do way better than @elijahchristopherrose.

[gretchenmcintosh]

That’s unfair because I transcend all known levels of perfection. However, he bakes and goes down on me and the internet’s written fanfiction about us which still creeps me out but it exists, so we’re going to continue to be gross together.

[hamiltongossip-blog]

@gretchenmcintosh is only with @elijahchristopherrose because @aubreyruth won’t fuck her.

[gretchenmcintosh]

Ah, but you see, even if she would, I wouldn’t want to give Cinna that kind of satisfaction. Never fear, internet. My relationship is not at all dependent upon this woman. 

[dancingjoey-deactivated20160822]

Sounds like the worst choice ever.

Poor you.

[gretchenmcintosh]

[joyharts-blog]

GRETCHEN, THAT IS SO EXCITING!  I’m kind of curious what exactly the politics of Girl Scout cookies are, though.  I’ve never actually had a Girl Scout cookie, but everyone seems to love them and the Girl Scout troops are adorable.

CONGRATULATIONS, THOUGH!  Your parents would probably be really happy to see you.

[gretchenmcintosh]

Do they not have vegan Girl Scout cookies? I’m sure Perry can whip you something up. Especially the fucking peanut butter ones. Like, I always feel like I need a cigarette after I binge on those. Anyway, most of it was regarding how overrated the thin mints are but a reference to Stalin was involved. It was a “had to be there” kind of tangent.

I’d prefer not to see them, admittedly, but I do miss New York. Thanks, though! If I get it, I’ll have tons of city vlogs. And an apartment if you want to crash for vacation purposes.

[beapierce-blog]

Congratulations! I’m wishing you the best of luck for the second round and sending out good vibrations.

[gretchenmcintosh]

Thanks Bea! This is kind of my dream internship (and dream job, whatever) so I’m pretty psyched right now. 

[gretchenmcintosh]

@restlessplatypus: @itsgretchbetch just give me a call and i'll turn up with our nameless mcintosh to get your home safely. cinderella style.

@itsgretchbetch: @restlessplatypus We need to name "Nameless McIntosh." Stat.

[gretchenmcintosh]

I had my phone interview for the New York Times’ internship that I applied for and, apparently, even though I managed to go on a tangent about the politics of Girl Scout cookies, I was impressive enough to move on to the second round. Of course, this means having to decide if I want to pay a ridiculous amount of money for a hotel or brave my parents’ house. This is the real Sophie’s Choice.

[gretchenmcintosh]

@seantheberry: @itsgretchbetch that's a thing?

@itsgretchbetch: @seantheberry being drunk and having tacos?

[gretchenmcintosh]

@alexandrakarofsky: @itsgretcbetch nachos are my go to drunk food but i still feel.

@itsgretchbetch: @alexandrakarofsky I got a side of nachos. Does that count?