Story: Mina and Marten [Next]
[My own take on Whumpers-R-Us, the Box Boys™, and YouTube whump. I have a bunch of ideas, but this might be kind of slow burn, so let’s see how far I get, I guess.]
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Unboxing - HUGE SURPRISE!!!
“Hi all, and welcome as always to my channel!
“I got a huge surprise this morning! I think I’m still in shock, haha! You might notice that this video’s a bit rough around the edges. I’m sorry about that, peeps, but I haven’t had time to edit properly and I just had to get this out to you ayy-sap!
“First all, I guess I have to say a huge thank you to whoever sent me this morning’s surprise. You know who you are! Now, uh, well, I’ve got a few reservations, because, well, this is kind of a crazy thing to buy for someone without any warning or, like... asking first? But I know these things are crazy expensive, so I guess I should be pretty grateful! I’d never be able to afford it myself -
“Actually, I’m kinda worried about the upkeep! I’m gonna have to lean pretty heavily on all my wonderful Patreon supporters - names at the end, like usual - and maybe cut back on some of my big buys. But then again, I know these things are all the rage right now, so maybe this’ll bring in the new subscribers, fingers crossed!
“But anyway, that’s enough teasing, haha! I know you peeps are dying to see my surprise, so let’s get to it. Again, I’m sorry about the kind of rough quality, but you’ll see pretty soon why I was in such a hurry!”
[Cut to handheld footage of Mina in her pajamas, with wide eyes and a slightly strained grin. She is hurrying down the stairs as she speaks to the camera.]
“Oh my god.”
“Oh my god, what do I even say! This is going to be one hell of an unboxing! Oh my god. Just- just look at this!”
[The camera rotates to show a large wooden crate branded Whumpees-R-Us]
“I can’t believe there’s a human person in there! Oh my god. Should I get the good cameras? I can’t get this up the stairs. No, I’d better get started right away! Sorry peeps, you’re gonna have to keep watching through my phone! Let me just...”
[The view shakes and swings around, then stabilises to show a good angle on Mina and the box.]
“So I grabbed the craft knife and the scissors while I was upstairs, so let’s get started!”
[Mina cuts away the straps holding the box closed, and carefully lifts the lid to peek inside. She glances round, and lifts it away altogether to show the camera.]
“I guess this layer is all the paperwork? We don’t care about that right now though, so I’m just gonna toss this aside.”
[Mina removes several plastic-sealed documents from the box and tosses them out of the camera’s view. She removes a cardboard divider and sets it aside, then begins removing handfuls of packing material.]
“Oh! Ohmygod I just touched skin. Oh wow, oh my god, you guys do not know how weird this is! I guess I’d better get him out of here pronto - is it a him? Oh my god I don’t even know! Who sends this kind of thing?”
[Mina leans over the edge of the crate to take the product under the arms and lift. The product is limp, head hanging, but takes a deep breath as its mouth clears the packing material.]
“Oh wow, you’re so light! I was scared I wasn’t gonna be able to lift you, but I guess they got me a little one - like me, huh? It sure would be weird to be smaller than, um. Wow.
“Ohh, what’s this? Hang on, lemme just show the camera...”
[Mina shuffles sideways, turning the product so that the camera can see the quick-start instructions taped to its chest. The product whimpers softly, head flopping against Mina’s torso.]
“Quick Start. Oh, I guess I better read this bit. Let me just lean you back like this so I can read your instructions... Back in two ticks, peeps, you don’t wanna watch me stumble over this!”
[The video cuts forwards. The product is still in the box, leaning back against the side of the crate. Mina is crouched down beside it, and has placed a glass of water on the floor nearby.]
“Okay, so, I gotta get this hood off first... the instructions say it’s to keep them calm during transit? I don’t really get how that works, but I suppose I’ll have to read the manual later. Wow, this is a lot of clips and clasps and stuff. Hold on peeps, you’d think I’d be good at this by now, but noooo... They sure know their fasteners, haha!
“There we go, let’s just eeease this off - haha, I guess you count as fragiles! Oh wow. You’re gonna need a bath! First impressions, sweet viewers, is this: my new, uh, Box Boy smells sweat-y. I guess that’s my fault for taking so long to get up and check the mail this morning!
“Alright, hun, let’s show your pretty face to the camera... Actually, scratch that, I’ll go get the camera. Uh.”
[The video cuts to a closer view of the flushed and shivering product. Mina’s face is out of view, but her hands are visible as she lifts the product’s head and tries to hold the glass of water to their lips.]
“Hey, hey, hun, are you awake in there? You gotta drink this, your instructions say so.
“Oh- oh no-! Don’t drown-!
“Uh. Um. Oh, oh sugar. Is he broken? Did I leave him too long, is he gonna die? What do I do, he isn’t drinking!
“Hang in there, I’m just gonna check the internet a minute.”
[Another cut. Mina is now holding the edge of a wet tea towel against the product’s mouth.]
“Okay, so, uh. I looked this up, and the internet says if you can’t get a person to drink - or, I guess, a Box Boy - you should do this. So, uh, I don’t know how long this is gonna take, but I guess I’ll be here a while.
“Oh, oh did you catch that! He moved, look, he moved his lips, I think he’s swallowing. Oh, poor sweetie. I hope you’ve got a good view from there, peeps...”
[Several more clips play, from various angles, of the product sucking water weakly from the wet tea towel. Eventually its eyes open.]
“Oh! Oh, you’re awake! Woah, easy there!
[The product convulses as it attempts to sit up, then lies still, watching Mina.]
“That’s right. You want some more water, hun? Can you drink from the glass yet? Oh, I’m so glad, I thought you were gonna die...”
[Mina holds the glass of water so that the product can drink. When the glass is empty, the camera pans around the product’s face briefly to show it from all angles.]
“Alright, okay, um. Um. So, the next thing I’ve gotta do is take him to the bathroom, so I’m gonna turn you peeps off for a bit. No one wants to see that, haha! Oh my god, do I have to take him every time he needs to pee? I sure hope not! Wow, uh, well! This has been quite the unboxing so far, I’m sure I’ll be back with you shortly!”
[Cut back to Mina in her studio.]
“So as you can see, I got a bit worried there for a while, but don’t worry, he’s in good condition! I got him all cleaned up, he did his, um, business, drank a whole lot more water, and then went straight to sleep. The instructions say I should get him to eat within twelve hours, but he didn’t seem to want to, so I guess I’ll wake him up and try again later.
“He’s pretty cute sleeping! Take a look!”
[A brief shot of the product asleep. It is stretched out supine on Mina’s bed, atop the pillow. Its eyes are closed and its face is slack.]
“I’ve got some footage of the rest of the unboxing too, but the angles are pretty bad and, um, I’m afraid there’s no sound. I might have been a little bit panicky, and I’m sorry peeps, but I’m too embarrassed to share! You can watch me unfold him and try to get him up the stairs right after I say thank you to all my supporters!
“I’ll be uploading this pretty much as soon as I’m done recording because oh my god, how often do you get a surprise like this! But I’ll try to make up for it with lots more footage once he wakes up. I’m gonna set up the good cameras, right after I take a look at all the paperwork. I’m gonna need a wider angle than usual, so I guess you’ll be seeing a lot more of my room, haha!
“As always, I wanna thank every single one of you, but especially...”
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