I swear I’m so fucking sorry. I’m not a good person. I’m barely a person at all. I feel like a monster disguised as a human. And now, I just want to go back. Back into my darkness. Back to being obscure, hidden, and quiet. That’s where I belong.
I was a monster. But I was a monster who only wanted emotional safety. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I just wanted to feel safe. To be loved in a way that didn’t scare me. And when I finally got that, it felt like a dream come true. For a while, it was real. But now, it’s slipping away from my hands like water. No matter how hard I try to hold it, it disappears. All I have left are a few drops.
I tell myself I should be happy. At least I got to feel my dream for a moment. At least I experienced it. But I’m not happy. Because I want more. I am a selfish, broken thing that always wants more.
I ruin everything I touch. I’m a monster of destruction. But even Mariam got an apology letter from her father.
So tell me, father. Will you write me an apology letter when I die? Will you finally admit that you hurt me? That you broke things in me that never healed?
And mother. Will you ever explain your silence? What is it about me that makes you not want to speak? Why do you look at me like I’m not really there?
And to my friends. Will you forgive me for being a bad friend? For not staying in touch? For being the kind of person who disappears? I didn’t mean to hurt you.
I’m sorry. I am trying not to be this way. I am trying to be human again. But I don’t think I am anymore.
The claws have grown. The heart is rotting. Everything I touch starts to decay. I never meant for this to happen. I tried. I really did. But I don’t feel human anymore. I feel like a monster. A monster of destruction.
I’m sorry that my presence ruins everything beautiful. That’s why it’s better if I stay away. That’s why I keep my distance. So nothing else has to break because of me.
I will love my people from a distance. And I'm sorry but I'm not meant to be loved.
