#i dont exist

[vanillaflavoredcigs]

[stable-as-the-weather]

I don't exist

[myannabell33]

Can you feel my love buzz?

[ilovedlemonicedtea]

I hope none of my mutuals remember our first interaction

[depressedtoasterwhoshigh]

wait... what do you MEAN I actually exist as a physical being who can be perceived by others and NOT just someone whos spectating other peoples lives????? 😨😨😨

[agrimanath]

i thought of you. today. you showed up in my dream a while ago and i've been daydreaming about you ever since. it's not even anything romantic, it's usually just us sitting and talking. about random things. musings. and occasionally i hurt myself by imagining you'd say something hurtful, the way you have several times before. but you'd say it with no ill intention , probably just wanting to make me laugh, but i'd get hurt. silly me. because i know you and you've never known me. so your harmless joke will make me curl up in a ball in a random public washroom. my friends calling me, worried , to check if i'd been kidnapped. you'd check on me hours later via a text, which wouldn't say sorry or acknowledge anything that had happened. but it'd be something which would make me smile. and in that one text i'd feel that glimmer of hope, that maybe you did know me. maybe not all of me, but some good parts. that you did notice things that made me smile.

and then i realise that all of this is in my head in the present. since i don't talk to you. i haven't texted you in a year or so. and perhaps in this lifetime we won't ever run into each other , realistically. sometimes i imagine myself going to your funeral , or sitting at your grave 50 years from now. even then i imagine myself waiting for you in a world you don't exist. i never imagine you at my funeral because i'm afraid you won't show up. i'm afraid that it might make you mad. that even after dying i still am a nuisance to you, a burden , a formality , an event you're told to attend. yet i found myself reaching for a text that you'd sent to me two years ago where you said you wished to hold my hand. and then i realised that i had deleted it long time ago, then i found myself disappointed. which is strange because what would that old text change? would i start sleeping on time again? would i start finishing all my tasks diligently? would i get my dream college? would you come back to me? simple answer is no. that text changes nothing. all my actions and results are in my hand and you are in a different state. with a different lover. who deserves you more than me, since they aren't a coward. they didn't bite their tongue. they held your hand when you wished them to. and yet i find myself remembering a month ago when i found out that you weren't happy in that relationship. that this person was mistreating you. forgive me, but only a half of my heart was sad, the other half wanted to sing 'good luck babe!" by chappell to your face. because, i truly hate to say it , "but i told you so". i do imagine would it have worked? ever? if i wasn't a coward, and you weren't...you. but then i imagine us on a car trip fighting over which song to play. maybe we could've come up with a system , where we made a road trip playlist with one song of your choice and one song of mine. a deal. but then that playlist exists in my mind, and that road trip exists somewhere between my home and yours. a distance we both won't travel. you need to leave, my mind is not a place that you belong to. i think i use you as an excuse to distract myself from the real world. you can't be an excuse anymore now that you aren't real. i thought of you, everyday, even today, maybe tomorrow.

[thesupergaycloud]

in a war between me and the entirety of my physics syllabus, physics simply cant win if i just kill myself in front of it

[doll-ceci]