#i love codependency

[lilyflower52]

I dislike when people write Kaz and Alive!Jordie where they hate each other. They would be horribly codependent. They would sleep in the same room well into adult-hood. They would panic whenever the other was slightly late for something. If the other gets sick they freak out and start worrying they'll die.

[kwamiwayzz]

Convenient Contract

Sometimes when I think about Jecka and Nicole both moving away from their hometown, and towards LA, they think their lives would somewhat automatically be better now that they’re away from all the stuff that held them down.

For Jecka, she no longer has to face the looming threat of getting beaten by her dad every other day. She’s out of that house, out of Virginia. She’s graduated high school, and far away from the shallow social circles that she forced herself to be in to avoid being alone. The only friends she considers are real enough to her are Nicole and (probably) Emily. College is the next step now, Jecka just needs to focus on securing a good future for herself. And she can do it without her family’s financial help. They just saw her as nothing but an asset, anyway. Something to prop up their image of the wealthy, white, suburban family that happens to donate to charity from time to time. But she doesn’t want that. She fucking hated it. She has no idea what she’ll be doing in college, or what career she’ll be going for. But at least she’s far away from the things that suffocated her.

For Nicole, she’s not living with her mom and brother anymore. That’s already a major upgrade. There’s also the bonus that she can live rent free with Jecka as she’s going to school in LA. Jecka was just meant to be a temporary person. A friendship of convenience for her to last through high school, After that, the contract was over. Or at least it was supposed to be over after graduation. Nicole was surprised to hear of Jecka’s request to come with her. She thought she was high when she came up to her that day, asking if she would want to live with her in a brand new state, free of charge. But in way, this is probably just an extension of that friendship of convenience contract. Jecka doesn't want to be alone, and who else would be a better option to come with her, than her proclaimed best friend?

Once Jecka graduates college, she won’t need Nicole around anymore. That’s what Nicole keeps telling herself. It’s why she’s never sober when they happen to have nights where they’re spilling their guts out about their respective traumas. She doesn’t even know how it gets to that point, where they’re actually being…vulnerable about themselves to each other. Where they’re pouring out each other’s hearts or whatever other cliche statement there is to describe that experience.

During one of those nights, Jecka finds out the full story of Nicole’s dad. How he blamed her for his suicide. How she was the first to find him when she tried to seek refuge at his house. Pieces would start to fall into place for Jecka, and fully made her understand why Nicole is the way she is. She knows it’s not healthy, but in Jecka’s mind, sometimes all she can think about is how she can save Nicole. Or at least try to make her not want to off herself again.

Oh yeah. Jecka forgot to mention to Nicole that she was the first to find her trying to hang herself in her room on that one day. It doesn’t matter. Because it slips out during one of their drunk nights that she still deals with the nightmares of finding her hanging when it’s too late.

Nicole doesn’t really know what to say to that. She barely remembers much of what happened, and the events that led up to, the day she actually wanted to join wherever her dad is. Most of that memory feels like a hazy dream locked within the confines of her fucked up brain. But now it’s out in the open. Jecka was there when she tried to end it all.

At least one person cared. One person cared…

Nicole doesn’t know how to process that. So she just brushes it off with more quips and jokes, in typical Nicole fashion. Jecka just expects that. She knows Nicole won’t bear her heart out like that overnight. At least, not when she’s sober.

The years continue to pass, and the two get closer. Nicole still tries to tell herself this friendship is just for convenience. Once Jecka has her bearings from college, she’ll toss her out, and Nicole will be left to fend for herself in a state she barely knows much of.

But everything in between seems to paint a different picture of this friendship of convenience.

Sometimes, when Jecka comes back from a long day of classes, she’ll find Nicole in the bathroom, razor blade in hand, ready to make more lines that will break skin. Nicole expects to get a scolding from her. She’s heard it all before. The fake cries of sympathy from her mom. The pitied looks from her classmates whenever they see her scars. Jecka always knew they were there, but she never actually saw her doing the act itself in real time. But instead of getting a scolding, Jecka just sits with her, and lets her do her thing. Once Nicole finishes, Jecka gets the bandages and antiseptic to help clean up the cuts and wrap them.

"Wow, maybe going for med school will be pretty useful after all," Nicole laughs.

Jecka just smiles as she continues to wrap the gauze around Nicole’s arm. It ends up becoming a routine at some point--either finding her in the bathroom bleeding all over the floor, or knocked out on the bed with pills strewn across the sheets. She tries to steer her away from all that. Outsiders think she should just leave Nicole behind.

Dump the deadweight and focus on yourself!

You don't owe anyone anything!

But Jecka doesn't want to listen to them. She knows it's a load of bullshit. But she knows she doesn't want that because it's what Nicole would want. And this is one thing from her best friend Jecka would actively go against.

More years pass and Jecka has graduated college, graduated med school. The blonde bitch actually did it and became a doctor. But Nicole is still around. Still living with Jecka. Still living rent free. She hasn't stopped thinking about the inevitable day where they'll have to part ways and end their contract.

"If I wanted to kick you out, I would've done it awhile ago," Jecka once told her. This was only a few days ago, yet it replays like a broken record in Nicole's brain. Jecka says one thing, but her brain says another.

Jecka might've graduated college and has a fancy doctor job, but wait until she finds a rich husband. Then that'll be the day she slowly fades from Jecka's life. That's how it always was. That's how it always is. Her mom already proved it to her time and time again.

Nicoleism. She tries to remind herself. Keep using Jecka as long as possible until the day comes. Don't share anything. Don't get attached. Don't let her seep into parts of your life.

But Nicole already knows it's too late. It's already long been too late when Jecka told her how she spilled her whole emo backstory like some tragic emo video-game/TV character.

So when Jecka is out, Nicole thinks of one thing she can do to "fix" this problem. Just make one cut, and it's all over. Nicole won't have to worry anymore about the inevitable. And Jecka? Jecka can be free from the dead weight.

When Nicole wakes up, she's in the hospital. Jecka is there, face down, with her usual smooth hair looking like a rat's nest. She's upset, furious even, but most of all, glad that her friend is still alive. Nicole doesn't know what to say. All she knows is that she fucked up in trying to off herself...again.

"You're an actual dumbass, you know that?" Jecka tells her as she tries to hold more tears from streaming.

Jecka cares, she always has. Nicole knows this. She always has. But no matter what, it won't stop the looming dread in the back of her mind from eating her alive. Trauma is a bitch. And it turns out, leaving the place and people that caused it in the first place doesn't mean it goes away. It doesn't go away no matter how much Nicole stops thinking about it.

Drugs don't make trauma disappear, it just puts a blanket over it, ready to be pulled away the moment the Percs, Vicodin, whatever, stop doing their magic.

This is a contract. The friendship is a contract. It's all Nicole knows. She hates that she thinks this way, but she'll destroy it first before everything good about it gets pulled away from her.

Jecka won't let her.

If Nicole sees their friendship as a convenience, then fine. Let her.

"Let's get married," Jecka brings up one day.

Nicole doesn't oppose. Gay marriage had been legal in America for a few years by now. And thank goodness. Finding a man that won't subject either of them to domestic violence would've been hell.

They go on a random Tuesday morning. The papers get signed, and they find the process surprisingly easy.

"So, will you change my contact name from 'hawt bitch' to 'hawt wife' then?" Nicole teases.

Jecka just laughs. Everything between them is still normal. There's no ceremony, no formal announcement to their friends, and no rings. Just each other. It's all they need.

If Nicole saw everything between them as a friendship of convenience, then why not turn it into a marriage of convenience? She knows it's not healthy. She knows Nicole is fucked up to even consider marrying someone like her. But then again, isn't Jecka the same? It's why they're together in the first place.

If turning an imaginary contract between them into an official one enough to keep Nicole alive for as long as she can, then so be it.

[sagesades]

Ah...New month blues... anyways Eldritch horror Shen Yuan anyone??

I can't decided whether I want:

- sy and sj meet as children, sy doesn't full have a form and is chilling in his eldritch horrorness or smthn idk -> sy seems to "copy" sj's face -> sj yoinks him. Theyre twins. SY is his now. Qi ge says nothing to this new development.

(Alternatively, sj leaves him be. They reunite years later and SJ sees SY is still alive and *then* yoinks him)

- sy and sj meet as children -> sy accidentally maybe on purpose goes omnom phagocytosis style and sy and sj become one person (i'm recently loving the idea of them sharing a body)

- adult sj is sent on some kind of quest to kill some demon (the Town is totally deserted) but he can't sense anything. there's just. Some child. Or, it.. looks like a child. Human enough.. just. Off. The child's face shifts into something similar to Sj's and SJ acknowledges the smart play ("If I look like you. You're less likely to hurt me" type beat). Does he yoink him right there and then? Or come back several times? Who knows!!

(Alternatively, sj finds a child-that-doesnt-act-like-a-child (or at least, to his ... limited knowledge on childhood behaviours) that looks eerily like himself but with the brightest green eyes (that seem to glow faintly in the dark). He yoinks that child with alacrity.

[macmuffins-blog]

PC x Robin ALNST AU

[leefi]

thinking about yjh's dependency on kdj's existence like in both a literal sense and a sense of love...turning into epic divorce man whenever he isn't around..

[therepudiatedimmortals]

Ayyauaauayayyauauauauauauauauauuauauauayayauauuauauauayayagayhahayahahauauahahauhauhfhughffuhuhghhgggg

[putrifaction]

goals: being my favorite person's favorite person