kim’s storyline is so far the craziest thing that happened on the show from an emotional point of view, but it’s also the one thing that finally helped me wrap my head around eddie’s relationship with shannon
someone once said somewhere that eddie thinks shannon was the love of his life and buck is his best friend - but in reality, shannon was his best friend and buck is the love of his life
also, that part of the famous quote: “…and another guy who knows he’s in love with his best friend, but doesn’t know he’s gay”
and i can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s something about the way eddie feels toward shannon and buck. his connection with each of them is similar, but also very different
i think he was in love with shannon platonically when they met and confused it for romantic love, ‘cause it was all he knew (growing up in a religious and heteronormative household)
like, i’d really like to believe that he loved her romantically, but every time she was at the tip of his fingertips, he didn’t know what to do with her - he either went to war or “was waiting for a sign”
and when he met buck, he fell in love with him romantically, but confused it for platonic love, ‘cause he doesn’t know that he can feel romantic feelings for a man, and because he didn’t have a lot of experience
like, shannon was his only point of reference
and he couldn’t find the same connection he had with her in all his other girlfriends because they weren’t his best friends. he didn’t really love them, even platonically, because he was laser-focused on his task to have sex with them (’cause that’s how relationships work, right?) and make them christopher’s “mothers” - hence the emotional cheating with kim (+ it’s about his unresolved grief)
so he really can’t understand what his feelings for buck are. he knows that he’s in love with him (meaning, that he has strong feelings for him), but he thinks that’s just what platonic love feels like - when in reality, if a more experienced and self-aware person felt that same way toward somebody, they would know that it’s romantic affection
so it’s like… he keeps trying to find shannon in every relationship he puts himself into because he thinks the love they had was what he needed, and he wants to recreate the same “magic”
when in fact, it wasn’t even the real “magic” - not in the sense of romantic love. but he found the actual magic with buck; he just couldn’t recognize it, ’cause he didn’t have the framework for it
it’s like bobby said both times when eddie struggled with his relationships:
“they’re so focused on what they don’t have that they miss the chance to have something else, something real” (s4)
“one thing you can’t do is compare what you had with what you think you’re gonna have. you just have to be open to whatever comes” (s6)
i don’t think bobby knew what exactly his words meant for eddie’s understanding of his feelings, but he was right when he said them - he just didn’t know what exactly he was right about
(also, did eddie hear himself when he was screaming at buck at the grocery store? like, why are you treating your best friend like your dead wife that walked out on you?? connect the dots, eddie, do it)
eddie loved shannon the way michael loved athena - it’s a very complex and layered kind of love until it’s resolved. except eddie, unfortunately, didn’t get a chance to do that, because shannon died
but, as the priest said, god already forgave eddie and he doesn’t want him to keep punishing himself - he wants him to allow himself joy despite his mistakes and failures
“so how’d you make it happen for you and athena?” *blah-blah-blah*
…so you definitely weren’t looking for it.
he and buck weren’t looking for it in each other, but they found it nonetheless
now they just need to figure out that they found it :D
