#ibs talk

[dddemigirl]

Me? Worried that I’ll get sick at my new job due to chronic illness that I cannot control and possibly be fired? It’s more likely than you think.

[dddemigirl]

Me: yeah I’m fine

But really: has had the shits 4 times today

[dddemigirl]

Having a chronic illness that never leaves you is so exhausting. Sure, it goes away for a few days, maybe even several, maybe even a month but you always know it’s lurking inside you and it’s waiting to come out again. I’ve lost so much of my peace of mind to an angry body I can’t control. It’s made me see normally exciting or enjoyable things like road trips and airplane flights as potential disasters. I’ve spent so much time in pain and so much time afraid. I feel disgusting and weak and scared. I feel angry because I know that it’s hereditary and also situational. My anxiety disorder makes it flare up, sometimes certain food does or it’s out of the blue. After particularly bad episodes it’s like I become so panicked and filled with an awful dread that I can’t think of anything else. I’m scared of getting sick again and going through the exhausting and painful attacks once more. I would rather die than live my life like this and that’s all I can think of at the time. I don’t want to be here if I’m in pain or so wracked with anxiety about it that I can’t enjoy my life. I just want to be done. I’m tired of being at war with my body. There’s no cure, no real symptom medication, I have to do this all on my own for the rest of my life. I am ashamed and embarrassed and angry. When I’m really sick I want no one near me, no one touching me. I am dreading my girlfriend seeing how really bad it can get. Me and my gross, pissed off and tired body. Fuck.

[dddemigirl]

I had another episode out of nowhere today so that was fan-fucking-tastic...

[pbjplatypus]

One of the most frustrating things about losing my job is that I was consistently told that I was doing well ASIDE from my tardiness. Literally, as she was telling me I was being let go, my supervisor told me that I consistently go above and beyond for guests. That I'm kind. That I do good work and I overall do it well.

Like, yeah there were points where I fucked up, sure. I didn't know the proper way to do things. But my supervisor recognized that I was thrown into it without much training, and even then, I was managing to keep up relatively well. I was doggy paddling but I wasn't drowning.

Idk. It just sucks that it's not enough to be good at something. It's not enough to be a kind person. It's not enough to be thrown into the fire and come out burnt but walking. If your disability makes you late, there is no recourse. You are deemed lazy, unprofessional, and childish.

[pbjplatypus]

Laying down on my right side

I've read that helps

medicines dissolve faster

Breathing in

Out

So tired I can barely think

Pain kept me from sleep

Guts twisting in knots

Writhing like snakes tied by their tails

Over

Under

Ibuprofen now, seeping into

Every villi

Laying down on my right side

Villi, vidi, vici

[pbjplatypus]

Would be SO cool if my stomach wasn't trying to kill me whenever I was awake before noon

[pbjplatypus]

I hate doing IBS math, largely because it also crosses over with ADHD time blindness math, like

Okay, if I have something to eat NOW, there's a fair chance it'll activate my IBS and I could be in there for upwards of an hour, making me late for work. But if I eat on the way to work, that means I'll be spending money on food... And I'll have to deal with my IBS at work, which is less than ideal but better than being late