#icantfixthis

[insideekkosmind]

Hearts been ripped out of my chest.

Blindsided

[bissynutblog]

Oh happy day! Some days are just so hard. I can’t fix this. #pleasestopscreaming #icantfixthis #adoptionishard (at Spokane Valley, Washington)

[paripettigrew]

Dear Petey,

           How's my big brother doing? I have no clue where you are, but I like to pretend you're still around somehow. Maybe that's a bad thing, seeing as you are gone and there's no getting you back. Mum still won't look at me. I'm scared Petey...going through this war without you...without anyone. I don't know if I can take it much longer.

           Thinking of you, and Lily and James...it scares the hell out of me. Little Harry is all alone now, I don't want that to happen to my little girl. Remus has trouble seeing me, I notice it in his eyes. Sirius is in Azkaban for what he did to you...did he do it Petey? Please, tell me he didn't...I love him too much, I trust him...I can't believe he would hurt everyone like that. 

           Petey, what am I gonna do without my big brother? We couldn't even have a proper funeral...and I'm here with the muggles holding on for dear life, trying to survive...I can't trust anyone or anything...it all hurts. Every time she kicks I cry...just another person I love that I could lose. You know, I was going to ask you to be her godfather...since you're my big brother and all, but then you disappeared...

           Can't you just wake me up from this nightmare? Like when I was little and they felt so real but you would come over and shake me until I woke up and then wrap me up in my blanket and cuddle with me until I fell asleep again? You were are a good big brother Petey...please just come back. I need to learn to breath again...I'm drowning without you...

          I love you to the bottom of the ocean and the top of the sky. You remember that? I used to tell you that every night before we went to bed...I miss that.

                                                                           It's just a dream.

                                                   Your sister, 

                                                         Pari Pettigrew.

[paripettigrew]

There is now a tag for all letters from the war. So far I only have the letter to Sirius and the letter to Remus up, but it's in my navi under "letters."

If anyone such as James, Lily, Peter or anyone else who dies wants a letter from before they die, be my guest.

If anyone such as Sirius or Lupin wants an unsent letter from after they die, step right up.

I actually really like letters, so just give me a setting or basis for the letter and who it's for and I'll write it because these are actually super entertaining.

[paripettigrew]

Future Pari Headcanon

Dear Remus,

           I'm sorry I haven't come to see you lately, but I see the pain in your eyes when you look at me, and you turn white as a sheet, as if the full moon has come early. I know I look like him, our smiles are the same, and I have his big eyes, and it hurts me just to look in the mirror, so I've been trying not to put you through that pain.

         Nothing feels right anymore Moony. My brother's dead and we couldn't have a proper funeral, all that was left was his finger. And James and Lily are gone, poor Harry left all alone. And Sirius...I thought I knew him. I know him. He wouldn't do this. He loved us, all of us. He would never do that, he would never set anything but a playful hand on Peter...why am I talking about him like he's still here? They're gone...they're all gone. I'm losing my mind.

           Is it wrong that I still love him? I cannot wrap my head around it. Tell me I'm not crazy Remus...I need someone to tell me I'm not losing my mind. I think Pete's haunting me if you want the truth. I see him around corners sometimes. He's not dead...he can't be. This wasn't him, I know it wasn't.  

           Remus, I need you. I know it's hard to see me, but I can't hide in this place any longer. Any person who I ever thought to be a friend knows about this place. You remember the stories right? After we came back from the summer and Sirius and I would talk over each other with our silly stories just for me to tell you later that night when he was gone so you could actually listen...I miss those days...I miss them more than anything. Can we go back? If you can't see me I understand...but I need you.

                                                            Love

                                                              Your friend,

                                                                          Pari Pettigrew.

[paripettigrew]

Future Pari Headcanon

Dear Sirius

           I don't even know if this will ever get to you. I'm not really sure how the policy for owls works in Azkaban, but I hope it finds you well. I feel sick just writing this letter. Nothing feels right anymore. They keep telling me you killed him, and I swear I keep seeing him Sirius. I'm losing my mind and my heart is shattered.

          Remus cannot even look at me without getting sick because of the little similarities between me and Peter. He doesn't say anything about it, but I try to visit less these days. It's fading, I can feel it. I'm losing him too, but I cannot bare to hurt him like that.

           Mum has not stopped crying. I am still holding my breath. Padfoot, just tell me you didn't do this. Please, I need to know I'm not crazy. You would never hurt Peter, and you wouldn't sell out James and Lily. I know you through and through, and you would never betray us all like that. You may be a smug arsehole, but you are a good friend. I am dying here with the muggles. Still in that same place from when I was little and I would run away when mum made me stay with my aunt...god, why am I telling you this? I shouldn't still trust you.

           All my friends are dead, off the map, or in Azkaban. I just need security somewhere Sirius, I need to know that this was someone else. Don't you dare lie to me either...tell me it's not true and I swear, I'll believe you just...tell me the truth Sirius...it hurts so much without all of you, I need to know I'm not crazy for still having a place for you in my heart.

                                            Love always 

                                           See you soon

                                                goodbye...

                                                          Pari Pettigrew