sometimes i flippantly say “identity is a trap,” and i want to explain a little more what i mean.
identity shouldn’t be something that can be invalidated by other people not believing in it; your identity cannot require other’s participation in order to exist.
a healthy identity formation goes like this:
you live your life and the facts of your life construct your identity.
unhealthy identity formation goes like this:
you construct your identity and that dictates how you live your life.
i often get charged with “invalidating” people’s gender identities, which always gives me pause, because a healthy identity should not be able to be “invalidated” by my non-participation.
for example, being a runner is part of my “identity” because i run. if someone tells me i’m not a “real runner” or i don’t “look like a runner” or refuses to call me a runner—none of that changes the material fact that i run almost every day, i run 35-40 miles a week; i DO that. so someone else “denying” that i’m a runner changes nothing about the fact that i am a runner by virtue of the fact that i run.
let’s say i did not run, but i wore running gear around. i dressed the part. someone might mistake me for a runner, but that doesn’t suddenly translate into miles run. i could insist people refer to me AS a runner, but unless i actually RUN, it makes no difference.
gender is the same premise.
i AM female, and that’s why i’m a woman. getting called “he” or “sir” doesn’t change that, dressing in “masculine” clothing doesn’t change that, and transitioning didn’t change that either. someone can “deny” that i’m a woman but i know i am because i’m female! which is such a relief and very liberating, tbh. i don’t identify AS, i AM.
on the flip, a male person can “dress like a woman,” and “look the part,” he can even insist people refer to him as “she,” or “woman,” or even “female,” but he never will be, because he is male.
when TRAs accuse me of “invalidating” gender (identity), they’re really telling on themselves; if your identity CAN be denied and that actually affects it, it’s not real. it’s constructed. it’s a fantasy that’s been miscast as an identity. and it’s unhealthy to organize your life around an identity that isn’t rooted in reality. it’s unhealthy to organize your life around an identity.
identity —> life = not healthy
life —> identity = healthy








