#identity weirdness

[aro-crows]

i am a machine that turns adverse experiences into personality quirks

[lapisfromthestars]

okay, so I'm a post-fictive now, but I... uh...

oh, is this how some people feel about their old gender

like I'm not it, but it's still me, if it gets brought up

- lapis

[fromfiction]

Your "unicorn" identity could be an alter-ego/persona. A lot of people have them. Some even give their altered states names so as to differentiate them from the usual state of their identity. Also, given that you were Ken, the tendency to develop alternate states of identity might be something you're prone to by nature.

That is a good point, anon. I have noticed that tendency in myself over the years and lives I’ve had.

[fromfiction]

sounds like OSDD-1 imo

Hi anon, I assume you’re responding to this post.

I appreciate the input, but that’s definitely not it.

According to the DSM it must “cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning”: This experience doesn’t impair my functioning, or cause any particular distress.

I also don’t experience any dissociation in context with this experience. So, its pretty clearly not a dissociative disorder.

[fromfiction]

Identity weirdness pt II

You can read everyone’s replies and discussion of my original post on this tag at my personal blog: http://captain-s-mindfang.tumblr.com/tagged/identity+weirdness

First of all, thank you to everyone who took the time to read and respond to my long, confusing post. Its really, REALLY appreciated. I think I got back to everyone, but if there’s someone I missed its not intentional and I’m really sorry!

The consensus seems definitely that there’s an element of genderfluidity to what I’ve been experiencing, which I agree with. Its funny because despite considering myself genderqueer ‘normally’ I only swing back and forth between male and butch female, whereas this.... this is very very femme. Joke’s on me I guess?

There was a little more variety of advice when it came to the unicorn thing. Basically it boiled down to it being some kind of hidden kintype, psychological kintype, or other-hearted connection. I think I agree with that, after some thought. Logically, and from an outside perspective it definitely sounds like a kintype. Its just so different from my experience as fictionkin, which I have always experienced as spiritual reincarnation, I have a hard time parsing it as ‘the same thing’. So I have some meditation and work to do on this side of things, but thanks to everyone I have a direction to look! I will probably start having to come to terms with a new form of kintype, or a hearttype, and figure out what part that plays in my internal narrative.

I’m definitely still tender, and still questioning things, but all the input has really helped. I, just as much as a lot of people do I think, have really benefited from the knowledge that my experiences aren’t completely out there and singular, and even if nobody’s felt the exact same thing, at least its similar enough to things that happen to other people.

If/when I have more info/perspective on this, I’ll post another update :)

[js-ashby-blog]

Hannah is a weird name. :/

Every once in a while it just seems really weird to me. Like that it is a name. And that people name people that. And that that's what my name is.

And apparently I'm currently in that phase.

Not like there's some other name that I'd prefer - I realize I'm called Hannah, obviously - but I just feel oddly disconnected from my name.

Maaan, I'm just feeling disconnected from everything, these days. Like the other day I was imagining something (don't remember what) and then had this random "oh yeah, I'm a woman" remembrance or whatever and A: it was really strange and surprising and kinda "okay...if you say so, people :/" in the same way that me being named Hannah feels now and B: it meant I had to change what I'd just been imagining. I mean not dramatically - still doing all the same things - just now...I dunno. It felt different 'cause I...knew my gender? Like...the gender I should be in the imagining? I don't even know.

IDENTITY IS WEIRD, GUYS.

(In other/maybe related news, I've been semi-chatting with Sheridan, lately. Which is odd since while I get in Sheridan-y moods, the only times we've ever really interacted was this one time when she popped up while I was donating blood. And then quickly retreated to...I used to think of it as "a corner of my mind but still there", I guess, like I could tell she was trying to back away from the blood, but she was still definitely present. Guess that'd be the headspace? If so, I've got the most boring headspace on Earth. Wow okay this is disjoined and rambly. Point? Oh right. So Sheridan popped up and chatted that one time (/cowered while Jace mocked her and I kinda laughed at both of them) but normally she'd only speak up while I was actually writing her or talking to another roleplayer on the site about the writing, and then we'd have little...semi-chats between our characters? I dunno, like talking and then be like "-amused- Though Sheridan would like to point out _____." and then her start to reply and be like "okay no ____ is just snickering in the background now. They say _____." Or whatever. So Sheridan's always been limited to writingchats or that one time with the blood donation.

Never like "random life commentary" thing. And then the other day at work we were kinda chatting about random stuff. Like the fact that she doesn't like "asshole lawyers" because their job is to "waltz in and fuck everything up, then make me go fix it." And like there was a very visual image of like...I could picture how she was sitting and all that during the chats, and like her expressions and so on.

BASICALLY IT WAS WEIRD, GUYS.

I've been thinking about her a lot lately, though, and been in kinda Sheridan-y moods from time to time, but still. Weird. And it's making me really wanna write her. I don't even know what, though, since like...both sites I've had a version of her on have kinda died. I was thinking a while ago that like...when I start having random irrational ideas/worries I could write kinda like...a random discussion/scene/whatever with me talking it over with Jace and/or Sheridan since they would likely ._. at me and maybe thinking it through from their perspective and writing it out would help me realize how silly I am being. So I could do that. Or just random Sheridan scenes in general.

I dunno.

Okay done rambling.)