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I’m Here

Genre: angst Warning(s): mental health (depression, panic attack) Rating: PG-13 (language) Group: Monsta X

Summary: (Between The Edges EXTRA) Kihyun and Hee-jin have exchanged contact information, and continue to chat almost every day. They both know they feel something special for the other person, but due to the distance, they’ve left it open for the most part. Kihyun checks up on Hee-jin, making sure she’s okay and if she’s not, that she tells him what’s going on.

Disclaimer: This is 100% fictional and my own story. It is unrelated to the actual events and real persons of Monsta X and Starship. Hee-jin Park (박희진) is an original character created for this fanfic. Parts will be written in Korean with English translations. I did not major/study in English/Korean, nor was I ever strong in English/Korean grammar, so there will be grammatical mistakes. This fanfic is written in third person and past-tense for ease of writing.

“형… 아직도 연락해?” (Translation: “Hyung… are you still contacting her?”)

Kihyun looked up from his phone and saw a concerned I.M. and Minhyuk. He was actually editing a photo he took with his camera on his phone, but he raised an eyebrow at I.M.’s question, knowing instantly who the youngest was referring to. “왜? 안돼?” (Translation: “Why? Am I not allowed to?”)

It came off a little aggressive, and I.M. immediately shut down, while Minhyuk rolled his eyes. Minhyuk huffed, “야, 그냥 물어보지도 못해? 근데… 반년이 지났는데 계속 그런 사람이랑 얘기하면 너한테도 안 좋을것 같아.” (Translation: “Hey, we can’t even ask? But… I don’t think it’s good for you as well to continue talking with someone like that for more than half a year.”)

“앗-- 형, 그건 말 안 하기로 했잖아!!” (Translation: “Ack-- hyung, we decided not to say that!!”) I.M. lightly punched Minhyuk. Kihyun’s eyes darted between the two boys and instantly, he could feel his jaw lock in frustration.

For the past half year, Kihyun and Hee-jin had kept in contact with each other. Kihyun made the effort to talk to Hee-jin almost every day, asking how her day was, how she’s feeling, if she wants to talk, or simply sending a photo he took with his camera. She once expressed feeling calm after seeing his photos, so he often sent photos of music video sets, soothing landscapes he came across with his members and his own selfies.

Even after arriving back in Korea, he was haunted by Hee-jin’s glassy eyes that night. Even after half a year, he is reminded of those eyes, and every time the image comes up, Kihyun rushes to text her, making sure she is still… there. The other members viewed it as an unhealthy relationship. Though Kihyun and Hee-jin never set clear lines in their relationship, it was obvious to everyone that Kihyun felt some strong feelings for Hee-jin and Hee-jin also depended on Kihyun to some degree. While they didn’t know how much Hee-jin depended on Kihyun or what exactly she felt for him since there was too great of a physical distance between the two, they could see Kihyun falling deeper and deeper. Whether or not their current relationship could develop into a romantic one was something only Kihyun would really know.

However, Minhyuk, in particular, disapproved Kihyun even continuing to talk with Hee-jin. Having seen the unstable state of Hee-jin that night, Minhyuk didn’t want Kihyun to be shaken up and affected by someone like that. It wasn’t that he had anything against people with a weak state of mind, but that he was also spooked by that night and believed talking with someone who had that severe of depression would eat away at Kihyun’s mind. He felt bad, but being an idol meant prioritizing their work over other things, sacrificing certain things and using time wisely. Kihyun was their main vocalist and Minhyuk saw Hee-jin as Kihyun’s weakness caused by pity.

Minhyuk expressed this to Kihyun once and Kihyun threw a massive fit, causing a rift between the team. Though Shownu and Wonho told Minhyuk to butt out of Kihyun’s business and pulled the team back together, Minhyuk never seemed to understand the extent of Kihyun’s patience and always went too far. Kihyun knew he was also extra sensitive whenever someone said something about Hee-jin or him talking to Hee-jin, but he felt that he was one against the rest of the members. Being cornered like that didn’t make him any less defensive.

Kihyun growled, “신경 꺼. 아이씨-- 내가 나간다.” (Translation: “Don’t bother. Ugh-- I’m going to leave.”) With that, he grabbed his jacket, wallet and phone and headed out the door.

As Kihyun snapped some photos of trees that had started to bloom nearby, he felt his phone vibrate briefly. When he looked at his phone, however, it stopped vibrating and only let him know that he had one missed call.

Eyes widening at the name attached to the missed call, he scrambled to unlock his phone and immediately called back. The call continued to ring on the other side, and Kihyun nervously bit at his nails. ‘제발 받아주세요…’ (Translation: ‘Please pick up…’)

“여...여보세요?” (Translation: “Hello?”) The voice on the other side sounded strained, as if it was difficult to respond.

Kihyun called out, “희진씨, 괜찮아요?” (Translation: “Miss Hee-jin, are you okay?”) He worried about the weak and strained voice on the other side -- it was shaky from the beginning and he could hear her breathing heavily.

“...”

Alarmed by the silence, Kihyun called out more urgently, “희진씨, 제 말 들려요? 괜찮아요?” (Translation: “Miss Hee-jin, can you hear me? Are you okay?”)

“.........휴… 지금 좀 괜찮ㅇ..괜찮아지..ㄴ것… 같아요…” (Translation: “..................whew… I think I’m fee… feeling...a bit… better…”) Hee-jin’s voice hitched, and Kihyun closed his eyes to focus on hearing her side a bit more clearly.

Despite what she said, he could hear her breathe in a shallow and erratic manner. As she held back her voice and attempted to muffle the sounds, Kihyun could tell she was trying to cover up the sound of her crying. He clutched his phone tightly and in a low voice, he calmly directed her, “숨 들이쉴수 있어요? 들이쉬면서 하나, 둘, 셋, 넷까지 세고… 숨 참고… 그다음에 내쉬면서 하나, 둘, 셋, 넷… 다시, 들이쉬고 -- 하나, 둘, 셋, 넷…” (Translation: “Can you breathe in? Breathe in and count to four -- one, two, three, four… then hold… then breathe out and count one, two, three, four… again, breathe in -- one, two, three, four…”)

A breathing exercise he learned from online, Kihyun instructed Hee-jin to calm her down. It seemed to work, and her breathing slowly returned to normal. While he was glad he could help her, he also felt immense pain for not being able to be with her in the moment. How he wished he could hold her tight, like last time, and keep her close as he calmed her down in person.

*Sniffle*

Hee-jin coughed and softly said, “고마워요… 그리고 죄송해요… 공황 발작 중… 무모하게… 기현씨에게 전화했어요… 너무 당연히 기현씨에게 전화해서 저도… 놀랐어요… 죄송해요.” (Translation: “Thank you… and I’m sorry… I recklessly… called you… during my panic attack… I called you so naturally that even I… was surprised… sorry.”)

Kihyun smiled, wishing she could see his smile, and replied, “아니에요, 멀리있어도 제게 기대도 되요. 그리고… 울어도 되요. 괜찮으니까 약한모습 저한테는 보여줘도 되요.” (Translation: “No, it’s okay, you can lean on me even with this distance. And… you can cry. It’s okay, so you can show me your weak side.”)

Hee-jin let out a small chuckle. “전 맨날 약한모습만 보여주는데 뭘 더…” (Translation: “I’m always showing you my weak side, so what more…”)

“처음 만났을때 생각나요?” (Translation: “Do you remember when we first met?”) Kihyun asked. He sat down on a bench and looked up wistfully at the trees starting to bloom. “첫 만남은 낮 이었죠? 그때 이상한 남자들 모욕들도 참았잖아요. 우린 그때 참으면 안 된다고 그랬지만, 지금 생각해보니까 그렇게 힘들게… 버티고 견디는거였더라고요.” (Translation: “Our first meeting was daytime, right? You endured insults from those weird guys. At that time, we told you not to endure such things, but now that I think about it you were just… doing your best to endure and withstand.”)

*Silence*

Well, not exactly complete silence. Kihyun could hear her soft breathing from the other side. He continued, “그때 약한모습 안 들킬려고 더 세게 나왔잖아요. 제 도음도 거부하시고…” (Translation: “You came off even stronger to hide your weak side. Even rejecting my help…”) Kihyun paused, to give her a chance to reply, but only hearing her breath again, he took it as a sign she just needed time to recover. He continued to chatter away, hoping his mindless chatter would keep her mind off of the attack and calm her down even more.

“뭐, 아무튼, 전화하기 전에 오늘 보낼 사진 찍고있었는데 보니까 꽃들이 피기 시작했어요. 사진에서도 되게 예쁘게 나오는데 직접 보시면 더 예뻐요… 아! 언제 한국에 오시면, 제가 가이드 해드릴게요! 한국에 진~짜 예쁜데 많은데 사진으로만 담기가 아까워요. 오시면 재밌는데, 맛있는데 다 데려다 줄게요. 언제--” (Translation: “Well, anyway, I was actually taking photos to send you today when I found that flowers have started to bloom. They look pretty in picture but they’re prettier in person… Oh! If you ever come to Korea, I’ll be your guide! There’s a~lot of pretty places in Korea that are a waste to only see through photos. I’ll take you to fun and delicious places, so whenever--”)

It hurt Hee-jin’s heart to hear him talk about the future, as though she was somehow going to be part of his future. Before he could run far with his ideas, Hee-jin cut in, deflating Kihyun’s excitement.

“그때… 살려줘서 고마워요.” (Translation: “Thank you… for saving me that time.”)

Before he could respond, she quickly continued. “저를 붙잡아줘서 고맙고… 계속 도와주고 얘기 들어주고 힘들때마다 진짜… 구해줘서 고마워요. 이렇게 기현씨한테 많이 의지할거라고 생각 못 했는데… 계속 이러면 안 될것 같아요.” (Translation: “Thank you for holding onto me… and thank you so much… for continuing to help me, for listening to me, for always saving me when I’m going through difficult times. I didn’t think I would depend on you so much… but I don’t think I should continue like this.”)

Thinking back to all the moments she called and messaged Kihyun when she felt herself sinking and all the moments she waited for his soothing photos and words, Hee-jin’s heart ached. She realized she couldn’t forever depend on Kihyun and expect him to pull her up, especially since he was a well-known celebrity. They were just in two different worlds, and it dawned on Hee-jin the absurdity of their current relationship.

‘...어? 무슨… 뜻이지?’ (Translation: ‘...huh? What… does she mean?’) Kihyun frowned, his mind not grasping at what she was talking about. Though he opened his mouth to interrupt, he didn’t even know what to say in response.

“기현씨가 얼마나 착하고 따뜻한 사람인지 너무 잘 알아요. 저같은… 힘든 사람 살려주고 신경써주시고, 동정해주신거, 너무 고마워요. 근데… 기현씨에게도… 다른 사람들에게도 좀 불공평한것 같아요. 저도 제 힘으로 살아가야되니까, 이제… 안 그러셔도 되요.” (Translation: “I know how kind and warm you are. For someone like me… thank you so much, for saving a person going through tough times, for looking after me and for feeling sympathy for me. But… I think it’s a bit unfair for you… and for others. I also need to live on with my own strength, so… you don’t have to anymore.”)

She was clearly speaking in Korean but it all sounded so foreign to Kihyun. What was she talking about?

“아니요!” (Translation: “No!”) Kihyun blurted, as if he pushed the words out forcefully to freeze the moment. He caught himself by surprise, shocked by the force but also unsure of what to say in response. He still didn't completely comprehend and only stammered nervously, “ㅇ아니요, 아니에요… 희진씨 도와준 이유는 희진씨의 눈에 끌렸어요. 눈이… 비어 있었고, 공허하고… 그래서… 외로워 보였어요. 하지만 무엇보다도… 희진씨라서 도와줬어요.” (Translation: “N-no, it’s not like that… The reason I helped Miss Hee-jin was that I was pulled in by your eyes. Your eyes… were empty, blank and… so they looked lonely. But above all… I helped you because it was you.”)

Kihyun paused, only hearing Hee-jin taking a deep breath in. Afraid of her response, he quickly said, “다른 사람이었어도 도와줬겠지만, 이렇게 반년 넘게 계속 얘기는 안하죠. 그러니까 괜찮아요, 계속 저한테 기대도 되요. 전 희진씨하고 계속 문자 나누고 전화하면서 얘기하고 싶어요.” (Translation: “I would have helped if it was someone else, but I wouldn’t have talked to them for more than half a year like this. So it’s okay, you can continue to lean on me. I for one want to continue exchanging messages and talking over the phone.”)

Hearing his flustered explanation rush through, Hee-jin couldn’t help but tear up. She struggled to keep her emotions in check, since she had just passed an attack. She held the phone away for a bit to calm herself down before mumbling, “지칠거면서… 나도 내가 지친데…” (Translation: “Even though it’s going to wear you out… Even I’m tired of myself…”)

She knew it wasn’t fair of her to say that to him, but at the same time, Hee-jin wanted to give Kihyun a chance to walk away before she held onto him for good. His words moved her and she almost wanted to pounce at the idea of continuing to depend on him. Almost.

She braced herself for Kihyun’s response, but he only said, “지쳐도 같이 지쳐가서 같이 이겨내면 되죠.” (Translation: “Even if I get worn out, we’ll be worn out together, and then we’ll overcome it together.”) He paused, and Hee-jin held her breath to hear the commotion on the other side. Kihyun continued, “그니까… 전 계속 연락할거에요! 일이있다는걸 까먹었는데 이따가 또 연락할게요!” (Translation: “That’s why… I’ll keep contacting you! I forgot I had work, but I’ll talk to you later!”)

He hung up so abruptly Hee-jin looked at her phone in confusion. Keeping his words close to her heart, she stared outside her window and thought, ‘mm… yeah… it would be nice to see those flowers blooming….’

“형! 언제까지 전화할거야! 30분안에 나가야 하잖아!” (Translation: “Hyung! How long are you going to be on the phone for? We need to leave in 30 minutes!”) Jooheon jumped around, pulling Kihyun by the arm back into the dorm building.

*Bzzt bzzt*

희진 (Hee-jin): 5월에 가면 이쁜거 많이 있어요? 13:10 (Translation: Will there be pretty things if I go in May? 1:10pm) 그때까지… 우리 둘이 연락을 하고있으면… 만날가요? 13:12 (Translation: If we’re still talking to each other… until then… should we meet up? 1:12pm)

“당연하죠!!” (Translation: “OF COURSE!!”) Kihyun yelled, unknowingly out loud.

Jooheon flinched from the sudden outburst and stared at him with a weird frown. Kihyun quickly apologized before texting back his excitement.

[ FEW MONTHS LATER ]

“나 나간다!” (Translation: “I’m going out!”)

The door slammed shut and Wonho yelled out to Kihyun before he got too far, “그래! 잘 다녀와! 무슨일 있으면 연락하고!” (Translation: “Yeah, have a safe trip! If anything, call me!”)

Hyungwon stumbled out into the kitchen still sleepy and mumbled, “기현이 어디 갔어?” (Translation: “Did Kihyun go somewhere?”)

Wonho chuckled. “어, 양양.” (Translation: “Yeah, Yang-yang.”)

“양...양…?” (Translation: “Yang...yang…?”) Hyungwon blankly stared at Wonho.

Minhyuk stomped over and slumped in the seat near the two other boys. He huffed, “기꺼이 그 여자를 만나겠데. 양양에서 만난데. 우리랑 한번도 안 가봤는데 그 여자랑 간데!!!” (Translation: “He so readily said he’s going to meet that girl. At Yang-yang. He hasn’t even gone there with us but he’s going there with that girl!!!”)

Wonho and Hyungwon looked at Minhyuk before smirking at each other behind Minhyuk’s back. He was just upset his bickering cooking buddy got taken away, after all.

*** THE END ***

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