#im not functional

[alasy]

Maybe moving to another country (even if temporarily) will actually fix me

[lifexxxdeath]

[iamsherlockedondoctorwho]

me having been awake since two days ago at 9am.....what...it’s fine...

....has it been two days....that sounds concerning...

but like work? 

So basically Sunday happened. as a day.

Monday i had to leave for work at 2:20am so i “woke up” at 1:40am except when you have to wake up at 1:40am and you're a night owl you just don’t go to sleep

so i didn’t

and then i worked all day today

and now its almost 3am again. and i was reading sterek fics because i haven't had a moment to myself in like a week and i needed some time but now it is almost 3am....and ive been awake since Sunday morning. 

i should sleep now.

[disarmingly]

bst japanese version has me dying so i punched this out in ten minutes bc im desperate despite being killed by rl hahakjfdlsjd sugakookie PLEASE ;_; will do tags and asks and messages later i promise im running late as it is but i NEEDED to write something its just OTL im a goner...

*

i love you in ways i thought were impossible; i love you.

it goes like this: a boy falls in love. a boy falls in love with another boy, makes a home in the heart of six and they are happy. for a while. * in jungkook's hair: the cold warm grip of yoongi's fingers. in jungkook's eyes: the secret laughter of yoongi's joy. in jungkook's mouth: a kiss a kiss a kiss that sets him dreaming all the time. * a piano that sings for both of them is safe enough, dangerous enough. jungkook remembers a piano from childhood, how he wanted to destroy it because it stopped speaking to him. and it's not that yoongi is the answer to all his mistakes, but sometimes when yoongi's elbow invades his personal space at the bench, it feels like he's the answer to some of them. lights burst and jungkook throws his head back, his throat a sharp line of trust in the on and off dark. he feels yoongi smile the same as he feels their friends cluster in around them: the tide incoming. * it goes like this: a boy cannot save himself but he tries to save other people. * yoongi shouldn't taste like blood and jungkook tells him so. yoongi laughs red but it sounds like crying when he mumbles, "look who's talking." * when yoongi isn't home, he goes to the same motel, the same room, the same far-down place in his heart. jungkook finds him because of course he finds him. reaching him is another matter. * sometimes jungkook lies down on the bed and waits to be noticed and sometimes waiting is all that happens. * it feels out of order; they feel out of order. on the ground: glass that is glass but is also a mirror, water and blood, and roses grave with longing. if red roses are for destined love, they say blue is just as true. just not quite as fortunate. * what hurts jungkook the most: yoongi's trembling hands pushing through jungkook's hair, yoongi's trembling mouth against his split lip murmuring how sorry he is, asking jungkook to do the one thing jungkook fears the most. * it's not that he doesn't see the car. * * * in yoongi's dreams, jungkook lies in the grass at his side. namjoon is near. they are all together with their individual problems. maybe this is true in yoongi's waking world as well. if only he could be sure. * say jungkook followed him like a love story like a ladder missing so many rungs the reach became almost too far. say something like that. then yoongi follows jungkook like a ghost like a love story that remembers losing and wants to know if the other thing is still possible. city to city they all look the same; motel after motel. every time yoongi passes blue roses it rains. * sometimes yoongi hears a whistle and wonders who's calling him. he hurries through the storm slicked streets, and does what makes sense: breaks into the nearest piano. tries to connect. * he has this memory (and he's even fairly sure it's real) of kissing jungkook shadow light across his bruises, has this memory of jungkook's lips on his fingertips like some kind of worship, has this memory of laughing together as the lights went bright brighter brightest and then... ...out. * every bed is incomplete, but that is to be expected. * under his grip, jungkook is not jungkook though yoongi doesn't know why. he pulls him back by the neck of his jacket, pleads, rasps loud whispers, and yells even though he tried to promise that he'd never yell at him again. when he holds jungkook fully from behind, he remembers jungkook's hands gripping the back of his jacket days weeks months years ago. remembers. misses. "jungkook," he holds him tighter. "jungkook--- ---wake up." * namjoon is here but he's not the namjoon yoongi swears he knows. this namjoon takes care of jungkook, which fine is part of the namjoon that yoongi knows, but this namjoon also won't help him escape. "can't," he corrects. yoongi, seated at the head of a long table across from him, adjusts jungkook in his arms: sleeping. eyes falling to the empty glass, yoongi can't tell if he wants to cry or disappear. neither seems especially useful. "i don't think he recognizes me," he admits, though to argue, jungkook shifts in his hold, murmurs incoherently, and sighs. when yoongi looks up, namjoon has a glass to his lips. yoongi watches the movement of his throat, the press of his mouth, the almost cat-like open close open of namjoon's eyes. somehow when he speaks his voice fills the room, outfits it in some new feeling of being Elsewhere without going Anywhere, without raising it louder than a thought. "that's not true at all." outside the window, the flaring lights make yoongi feel dizzy. he cards his fingers through jungkook's hair, watches namjoon's profile and thinks a hundred runaway things. * in yoongi's heart: a piano, a fight he never wins, a boy he always loves, a dream handled wrong on all ends. yoongi asks him to wake up all the time, has flashes of memory that tell him in another moment jungkook asked the same of him. walking into the room where jungkook stares at nothing in particular that yoongi can see, he kneels as he places his hands on him, thumbs his shoulders and upper arms, digs in a little deeper than the norm, waits. but jungkook doesn't look at him, still enthralled with what is in front of him, or isn't, and it's only as yoongi drags him out, jungkook's wrist sharp in his hold, that he notices the blue rose tucked behind jungkook's ear. * what it amounts to: one dream fractured. * slowly quickly yoongi cannot find the motel. he runs down the same long road and bites through his own tears every time there's blood on the highway. * he remembers: jungkook looking in the mirror sometimes, staring at his upper back like there was something he was missing. * "people don't fly," yoongi said to namjoon who shrugged, shrugged and said, "and dreams don't last forever." * the whistling takes shape the same as the view out an airplane window: suddenly clear but no less tangible. he would have to be on the ground for that; he would have to be a sound for that. when yoongi can no longer run, he walks, and when he can no longer walk he crawls. so it goes. for a time. * it's not that he doesn't see the car. * * * looking out at the water, jungkook jumps a little as yoongi collides into him, throws an arm around him...and smiles. it seems the love thing to do, to smile back. it also seems...familiar. * he wonders if everyone hears a piano when yoongi touches them, if everyone feels words that aren't happening but are definitely there all the same, if everyone knows that yoongi's dream happens but only in pieces. * when yoongi is sure jungkook has fallen asleep, he drags himself along the grass until he can press his mouth to jungkook's crown, kiss him hello. * hello again. * the truth: the dream. the someday: laughing at a piano in a sunlit room whose walls are blue but not sad. * on the couch of an abandoned warehouse, jungkook listens to the catch of yoongi's fire and imagines he's trying to tell him something. * in a street where jungkook lies collapsed against a building, yoongi is afraid to touch him and is trying to tell him something. * at the piano where they come closest: a song they both know without having learned. this one quiet idea. * love is not over. * wake up. * please wake up. * on a pier yoongi slips his arm over jungkook's shoulders, jungkook holds his hand up to the light -- -- and dreams. * the ocean waves they would see, if they looked closer, are made of roses. blue. unfurling. * waiting to come home. *

[xanthicxantho]

Not me being stuck between

1) drinking more coffee

2) playing terraria

3) actually doing something productive with my life

[shoeberg]

ep 9 of acoc

[idiot4idiot]

i neeeeeed friends and i need someone to be horny with like im so lonely but idk how to get friends kms i have like. bumble and taimi or whatever vut they suckk and im bad at talking to people im too autistic for this

also completely separate but i need to reapply for ssi and i sm Scared lol

[nocturnalxsociety]

its either *doesnt eat for 12 hours* *eats an orange* *doesnt eat for 12 hours* or *will not stop eating. cannot stop eating.*