#im not optimistic

[codex-shredder]

i fucking hate cptsd

i hate bpd

i hate adhd

i hate autism

i hate myself

i hate it all

whatever i actually have idgaf its all the same cluster of symptoms who fucking cares psychiatry is a criminal institution yadda yadda

all these fucking meds are worthless. the adderall might help if i could have conistent access.

but really we could circumvent all the bullshit with some blunt force trauma or a lobotomy

[stevieschrodinger]

I have no new year's resolution. I'm not asking for anything, I'm not attempting anything. I would like a year with no downs, and in exchange I sacrifice the possibility of any ups. I would like a monotone year. A simple year, with no crisis nor excitement. A year of recovery, of simply existing and restoring my resilience.

It's a low bar.

It's 3PM on January 2nd.

I've already had to call the hospital and spend 90 minutes in the GP surgery. When I got back in my car, the driver's footwell carpet was so full of water it actually splashed under my foot.

So there's that.

[tawus]

from the river to the sea, palestine will be free 🇵🇸

Praying that it is 🙏🇵🇸

[kennnnnnna]

did i know the heart to heart would let me down? yeah. did I still hope it would be gay? yeah :(

[copdog1234]

I'm so feral for Spy x Family content that I'm starting to write my own fanfiction, but I have a history of either never putting it out there or writing a bit and then never finishing it. So, we'll see how that goes 🙃

[jitterfish]

throwing this down a hole into the trash where it probably belongs

I don't really? Know how to start this. What else to say other than I am tired. i am really tired and ive been so scared and tired for so long that i don't know how to be anything else anymore. im tired of hating people i love for just living, i wish i could live too. I wish i could do anything that brings me joy anymore. I wish joy was an option on the table. I wish i hadn't done any number of things that lead me to the place in my life where all i feel is fear and misery and hate. i wish id stayed in school? even if i had my reasons and I couldn't bear it i wish i had. I wish id gone anywhere, done anything than the things that i did.

I wish id seen the places I wanted to see. I wanted to see the northern lights, you know? More than anything in the world. I really wanted to see those shits. I wish i didn't hate people for getting to do the things i could never do. I wish i had been smart. I wish I had been assertive and brave enough. I wish i had been pretty or felt that way for even one single moment of my life. I never was i think. I never will.

I wish i could love with my whole heart. I wish i could love the world more than I hate it. I wish i believed in something other than emptiness afterwards.

everything wrong with my life that ive blamed on everything and everyone else has been my fault. from the beginning to the end. every bad decision has piled up until i drowned myself in them. alone in a room with erin a wall away, while im too overstimulated for no reason, too upset for some reason i cannot articulate, too scared too tired, too angry to do anything but sit here.

i can't breathe. I wanted to do so fucking much! so goddamn much! I never will. it's always money and willpower and i have neither of these things. I have no fight left in me. im tired. im tired of wondering if im going to die of DKA every two years when some fuckstick politician decides insulin should be MORE expensive more inaccessible. im tired of keeping myself poor so i get free insulin from the state but im a drain. im a drain on everyone. im a drain on everyone around me always. im a chore and a problem and a headache. and it will never get better, ill never be smart enough to do anything worthwhile, anything well-paying. i tried and i was so stupid, too stupid to do it and it destroyed me. never again. im always going to be afraid. im always going to be sick. im always going to be in pain.

i resent everyone. everything. it's so exhausting i don't want to be this way. i don't want to hate anyone! I don't want to resent anyone! least of all my friends, but ive always felt out of place and on the edges and like i didn't belong anywhere. like i had to claw out a little place for myself and INFLICT myself on people instead of just be wanted and i dunno. looked forward to? I don't think anyone has ever looked forward to spending time with me. i wouldn't.

ive been having active, awake hallucinations of home while im in my room. every time i see a pine tree in a picture or a movie i feel something hurt in my chest. i hear a dog bark and i want to die because it's not my dog, my dogs are at home where i left them. where ill never see them again. with almost everything i love that ill never see again. ill never go to a concert or go out to see a movie, or go to a restaurant. ill never get on a plane to go somewhere exciting. ill never go to a convention with a friend or wander the streets of a city. ill never go to the zoo and gush stupid animal facts to someone who is bemusedly tolerating me.

I didn't want to be perpetually disappointed in everything. I didn't want to be mad at everyone for no real reason. I didn't want to be afraid all the time. I didn't want to despise my family for letting abuse happen for the sake of a child. I didn't want to resent that child! he's done nothing wrong. it's not his fault. but i resent him because of the things that happened to me or were said to me in his name. I told my father i was going across the country to die, but i think i died inside on the way here. I think i was a corpse when erin picked me up. I think she deserved better than me. I think she deserves the world and I've ruined hers. I think i have left the world a demonstrably worse place because I was in it. I wish I hadn't been.

I've tried to force my cowardly hand and just end it so many times and i think of my mother when she did it in front of me. She took that whole bottle of pills and then she lied about it and then she doubled over in agony and she screamed. she screamed and she kept saying "it wasn't supposed to hurt" over and over again and those words echo in my head over and over and over again and I don't want to do that to anyone. sit in an ICU for a week and feel empty inside, get told it was my fault when she wakes. know it wasn't but feel that anyways. each night before i go to bed i hear it in my head. it wasn't supposed to hurt.

life wasn't supposed to hurt like this. nothing is supposed to hurt like this. my grandmother in what i thought was her death bed being told her options. in so much pain she can barely keep her eyes open, with her daughters but begging everyone who will listen to her to euthanize her. she's told how she can keep living and she just rasps, "is it worth it?" everyone says yes of course, but she falls silent. she wants it to end. she's had the kind of life i can only read stories about, dream about, and yet she still wants to go. even with her daughter standing there she wants to go.

is it worth it? no

do i want to go? yes.

I don't know how. sometimes i fantasize about taking all my insulin at once and then i think of what that would do to erin to find me like that. i think of how i cannot even THINK of new york city any more because alli died there, how i can't look at a bottle of nyquil pills without hearing my mom in my head. I can't look at a bed without hearing my grandmother rasping. I can't touch something soft without hearing cydney yelping as she died. I can't do anything, i don't want to hurt anyone.

i don't want to choke to death all alone in a hospital either.

i sat down to write this as a suicide note and i just don't know anymore. I don't think i can do it. I don't know anymore. im so. so tired. i don't want to feel like this. I don't want to feel. I don't want to be nothing. i don't know what i want. not to hurt anyone, but i do that just by being around. im just so fucking scared all the time.

i told erin once "you can't rescue me" and jesus fucking christ she tried. she really tired. she tried so fucking hard. and even here, even away from the abuse and the starvation and my brother and my family, i don't feel rescued. it's nothing she did wrong, i just think i was always going to be like this. i was always going to be unhappy no matter what. i was gonna be sick, i was going to be sad, i was going to hate myself. she never could have saved me from myself. in the absence of my abusers i became my own. i wish she'd never met me.

i really don't know what to do

[fischotterkunst]

every time i think “this is the worst possible decision tumblr staff could have made”, they actually find a way to make it infinitely worse

if what i’m hearing proves correct, and they actually follow through with this, they’ve made this website incredibly unsafe for pretty much anyone who needs to filter their content for mental health reasons. tbh the tagging system and the ability to use it for the security of my mental health is the ONLY reason i’ve bothered sticking around here despite all the shit they’ve pulled, and if that truly is off the table i actually won’t be able to use this website NEARLY as much as i’m used to

ive heard reasons that staff has provided for this incredibly stupid decision including the attempt to make this more “family friendly” to appease the Apple overlords, but as usual all they’re doing is driving away the majority of their remaining userbase. again. 

[celestinovietti]

How much are we all betting that they were defo with Pecco on the day he lost the championship in misano and will shove the camera in a private moment for the ✨drama✨