Avoiding the World: Hiding in Plain Sight
Sometimes I feel like I hide. Not behind the computer but from the public. I have a dream to one day publish a book but I wouldn’t want anyone to know it was me. Even here, I hide to some extent. No one knows what I look like. I use a pen name. I’ve asked to be called Star, mostly because its one of my favorite shapes. I love the night sky.
I’ve chosen to sort of open myself up on here as a sort of coping mechanism. I found that by doing so and knowing that there is a chance out there that someone my read this... I feel heard.
I want to be heard but I don’t want people to know who I am. For me exposing what my feeling asn thoughts are isn’t easy. It never has been. Granted I feel like a sentimental person. Like a soft fluffy pillow that could burst at the seams when shaken to roughly. only others don’t see me like that. The people i know. The people that I spend time with see me as a tough, strong person. Someone who can do anything and everything.
Its scary though, when I had heard that. I didn’t think of myself that way. I never have and I still don’t. I’ve been told I’m cool and yet I think I”m at the furthest extent. It made me realize that I’m not the person think I am. That to some degree no matter where I go and what I do I hide.
I have a tendency to be nice and I have a high tolerance of annoyance. Depending on the person Is that action I take. People who hit on me often see a very nice person, friendly and flirty. What they don’t often know is that sometimes I don’t realize that I’m be hit on and I’m Just being nice. People don’t seem to thin that’s possible but it happens quite often.
Then there’s those other moments when I DO notice the guy’s attempts to flirt with me. I’ll be nice but mentally I’m laughing at their attempts. I amuse their attempts and most often don’t take the guy seriously. I don’t do this on purpose. I don’t consciously plan to act this way when it happens. Its a subconscious reaction that happens every time.
I can’t help but laugh when a guy tries to hit on me when he’s in the passenger side of his friend’s convertible car. For some strange and unknown reason I find it silly that someone would want to flirt with me.
I don’t see my appeal but I know I’m great. Yes, I’m going to say it. I think I’m pretty awesome. Yet I don’t think I’m cool, or on the “hot” end of the appeal factor. I feel rather average...amazing, but average.
I know I’m a walking contradiction. I hide my flaws and try for only the perfect accomplishments to be seen. Its who I am. I hide even from myself. I don’t like looking in the mirror. I don’t like seeing my “imperfections”, that I know are probably not there.
I don’t like going out in frumpy clothes. I have to look good or at least put together. I don’t generally care what people think of me but I have a strange sense of putting my self out as perfect. Even if I’m not.
