Listen and Observe

Call me Star. This is a blog about the wonders of life and the people in it.

[listen-andobserve]

Getting Ready for Halloween

So I've started working on making my costume for next month. Yes I'm way ahead but considering I have a few Halloween parties that I'm going to I figured that I would get ready early this year. Usually I wait till last minute BUT this is the second year I actually make my outfit. So I figured I'd give myself some more time. Cutting a patter and fabric I think is the hardest. It take so much of your time and you have to be careful to cut and trace things perfectly. This years project doesn't seem as extensive as the Elsa costume I made last year. Spent about 14 hours on that...all in one sitting. I didn't want to do that again. I suppose this is more of a personal observation. Also it's a bit on the happier side. I think I've been able to move on past my recent drama. No point in holding on to the past. Living in the now is always best ;)

[listen-andobserve]

Changed perspective

So it's been about three weeks since I've had my iPod stolen. Today I made the choice to buy a new one. No, I haven't given up on the old one. I just needed a new one so I could continue my life. Sounds dramatic, I know. I've been lucky enough to have the money to buy a new one. I thought I would have to wait months to buy a new one. It was a rather stressful thought. I even felt a bit sad every time I was reminded of it. But I digress. I've realized that my point of view on life has changed. It's not the same as before. Granted I was always a bit analytical and sometimes cynical but now I just wonder who I can really trust. It seems as my options are limited and I don't like that. I have my suspicions on who took my iPod. It makes me feel like I have to fake being nice to that person. It's not something I mind. I've done it before. I've forgiven but not forgotten. I tend to distance myself and that makes me feel like a bad person. Yet, at the same time I'm keeping myself safe from harm. I suppose that my perspective has become one of an untrusting person. More so than I was before. I often wonder what these people, I call family, do when I'm not around. What do they think about and what makes them tick? It's strange really to think of someone other than as family. To wonder if they have a secret life that no one knows. Perspective is a crazy thing and an interesting matter because in every person's view they are the hero.

[listen-andobserve]

Being a perfectionist means only seeing my mistakes.

ME (”Star”)

[listen-andobserve]

False Hope

I have yet to find my Ipod. The person has yet to return it.

How unfortunate to lose faith in the people I call family. I do hope it gets returned and I would rather not have to wonder who “done it.” Its sad really that my normal reserved persona is now blocked even more than before. I’m not the type to let anyone in.

Being anonymous online is the closest thing to sharing. Personally, I like that no one knows who I am. I can share my observations and not worry that I’d be found out. Its a weird sense of control, but I digress.

I do hope I find my Ipod. That somehow it magically appears in my home. Yes, I am tracking it but it has not been found. Whoever took it turned it off and hasn’t connected to the internet. It’s essentially offline. 

I do wish I didn’t have to buy another one because, well I don’t have that kind of money to spare. I have to save up for it like I’ve saved up for many of my expensive items that I own. I’ve also gotten many of them on sale...I can’t help but cling to this sense of false hope.

I fear that if I don’t I could get depressed. The strange thing is that I don’t feel anxious, or have a dark cloud over me. I don’t feel sad. I suppose what I feel is disappointed and hopeful that I will find it. I cling to the belief that this occurred for a reason and that I will come out of this as a better person. So perhaps false hope is better than crying over it.

I know I’m not “well” in terms of feelings. I noticed that I’ve built some sort of wall that reminds me that I shouldn’t care. Its strange how life works. I have been trying lately to open up; let people in, but maybe now isn’t the time for that. My sanity is much more important.

So yes, I cling to false hope that all will get better and that maybe by some sheer miracle I will get my Ipod. I just hope my sanity stays intact in this process.

[listen-andobserve]

It’s My Birthday Party and I Cry if I Want to.

I never thought my family would steal from me.

I didn’t think they would have the heartless ambition to go into my room and steal my ipod touch. I don’t own a phone, because I don’t make calls and no one calls me.  I have no need for one, so instead, I have and ipod touch. My life is on that thing. I’m materialistic and I know it. Mostly I spend my bored days on it. Listening to music or typing away my next chapter. My pictures are on there and I have tons of pictures of cakes I’ve made. (I decorate cakes). I have pictures of my recent trips and a few selfies. 

All my games are on there. Data progress possibly lost. I have my Joann’s app and my Pandora. Not to mention my email apps and social media apps.

My day had gone great. I was enjoying my time with my family playing Bingo and breaking pinatas. (Ignore the lack of accent on that last word). I decide to set it down in my room where it should have been safe, but it wasn’t. Someone stole it and I have yet to know who. The worst past was it was only family. No “new people” were invited.

I won’t lie. I cried and if i think too hard about it I still cry. My sinuses hurt from all they crying. My makeup ruined; the one day I actually go all out with it, it gets ruined.

My birthday party was going quite well. I WAS having a blast. It seemed like a really good day. All I had left was to cut the cake and open gifts... It ruined the rest of my day. I couldn’t enjoy the birthday song and I had a hard time conveying anything other than sadness when I opened my gifts.

It was more than a dark cloud that hovered over me. It was a weight of anger and disappointment that upset me every time I thought about it. I punched my pillows a few times and it did help to some degree. It burned my anger down to a frustration. Yet it still hurts to know its missing and that someone who I thought i could trust has it...

Honestly I just want it back. Getting a new one is not the same. I don’t understand why a family member would do such a thing. We were supposed to be considered a close nit family. I guess I was wrong.Moments like these always make me feel like I can’t trust anyone. I already have a difficult time expressing my self to others in person. I don’t let just anyone into my private life. I even try to be nice to everyone because its the right thing to do.

Unfortunately, you can’t trust anyone.

[listen-andobserve]

So, Why CAN’T We Just Get Along?

Its a simple question really, but people often seem to laugh at it. They poke fun at this small question and no one takes it seriously. But has anyone actually stopped to think, and I mean really think about why people just don’t get along.

So why can’t we? 

Sure there’s race, religion, culture and social economic status that divides us as a people. We are all humans and we should see ourselves as such. Its a shame that we can’t celebrate each other for our diversity. We come from many places with so many different views and ideals but we can’t seem to keep an open mind. 

Why can’t we just keep an open mind?

Is it truly that difficult to see someone else’s perspective? Every individual thinks differently. Every person has their own views of the world around them. I have my own views on life, religion, politics, but I try to keep an open mind. I will not shame others for not believing in the same things as I. One won’t learn anything if they keep their thoughts so closed off to the world. 

I don’t think it fair when people try to push their beliefs on  someone. I don’t think anyone should be forced to change how they see the world if they don’t want to. The real problem is acceptance of others. 

Why is that when something bad happens the public wants to blame a specific group? When in reality that groups might not have anything to do with this one person’s actions. Such negativity in the world is what brings terrorism, racism, and hatred out. 

So next, think about this small question: Why can’t we just get along? Maybe it might change your way of life. Everyone deserves a chance to be heard and understood. 

[listen-andobserve]

Just a Thought: Passive Aggression

I’ve noticed that there’s a lot of passive aggression that floats around on social media. I will admit that I have put a few passive aggressive comments out there myself. Mostly on my bad days were the incident really upset me. Even this blog is loaded with passive aggressive comments. 

It did make for great writing on my part but it can get too far sometimes. It can spark verbal fights where its easy to hide behind a computer. I don’t like passive aggression. Although I do it often. Most of the time I just delete what I type. I never have any intention for anyone to see it. Every passive aggressive post I’ve made was a conscious choice. I typed it, thought about it, let it sit (in most cases) before I posted. 

Even this post was meant to be something entirely different. I decided against it and so this content is no where what I thought it would be. I just think as a people, we should be more conscious of what we say.

Just a thought.

[listen-andobserve]

Avoiding the World: Hiding in Plain Sight

Sometimes I feel like I hide. Not behind the computer but from the public. I have a dream to one day publish a book but I wouldn’t want anyone to know  it was me. Even here, I hide to some extent. No one knows what I look like. I use a pen name. I’ve asked to be called Star, mostly because its one of my favorite shapes. I love the night sky. 

I’ve chosen to sort of open myself up on here as a sort of coping mechanism. I found that by doing so and knowing that there is a chance out there that someone my read this... I feel heard. 

I want to be heard but I don’t want people to know who I am. For me exposing what my feeling asn thoughts are isn’t easy. It never has been. Granted I feel like a sentimental person. Like a soft fluffy pillow that could burst at the seams when shaken to roughly. only others don’t see me like that. The people i know. The people that I spend time with see me as a tough, strong person. Someone who can do anything and everything. 

Its scary though, when I had heard that. I didn’t think of myself that way. I never have and I still don’t. I’ve been told I’m cool and yet I think I”m at the furthest extent. It made me realize that I’m not the person think I am. That to some degree no matter where I go and what I do I hide. 

I have a tendency to be nice and I have a high tolerance of annoyance. Depending on the person Is that action I take. People who hit on me often see a very nice person, friendly and flirty. What they don’t often know is that sometimes I don’t realize that I’m be hit on and I’m Just being nice. People don’t seem to thin that’s possible but it happens quite often.

Then there’s those other moments when I DO notice the guy’s attempts to flirt with me. I’ll be nice but  mentally  I’m laughing at their attempts. I amuse their attempts and most often don’t take the guy seriously. I don’t do this on purpose. I don’t consciously plan to act this way when it happens. Its a subconscious reaction that happens every time. 

I can’t help but laugh when a guy tries to hit on me when he’s in the passenger side of his friend’s convertible car. For some strange and unknown reason I find it silly that someone would want to flirt with me. 

I don’t see my appeal but I know I’m great. Yes, I’m going to say it. I think I’m pretty awesome. Yet I don’t think I’m cool, or on the “hot” end of the appeal factor. I feel rather average...amazing, but average. 

I know I’m a walking contradiction. I hide my flaws and try for only the perfect accomplishments to be seen. Its who I am. I hide even from myself. I don’t like looking in the mirror. I don’t like seeing my “imperfections”, that I know are probably not there. 

I don’t like going out in frumpy clothes. I have to look good or at least put together. I don’t generally care what people think of me but I have a strange sense of putting my self out as perfect. Even if I’m not. 

Image is everything.

[listen-andobserve]

There is Beauty in Everything

Its interesting how no matter how close you are to another town, it can still be significantly. Even in larger cities you can see when you’ve somehow crossed into the next city over. The architecture of the buildings change and even the people seem different. I’m sure it might not be too noticeable but every town and city, is like its own world.

I live in a fairly large town. It can take up to half an hour to get to the other side of town and another fifteen just to cross into the next town over.... that is, if you going through the center of the tow. Taking the freeways make the trip in across town in a much shorter time.

I live near a small town. I couldn’t say the populations size, but I’m sure I could look it up, but i won’t. That town is mostly filled with crops, a few homes, one elementary school and a few factories. its like a small rural country side squashed in between towns.

I cross through it often to get to the city just on the other side, where they send their high school children to school. Its a beautiful small place, this small town, and I’ve often dreamed of building a home there. I like the idea of living in a rural area but still having access to all the amenities of a large towns and cities. 

Small towns are quaint and dainty. perfectly manicured and safe. Everyone seems to know each other and that sense of safety is prevalent. I mean who wouldn’t want to live in such a nice little quiet town?

Just recently I spent an entire day working in a small town. Everyone was very friendly which is a large difference from the constant paranoia of where i live. MY home town isn’t particularly safe. its dangerous and crime ridden. To me its not strange to hear on the new the rising death toll or the gunshots off in the distance.  My home has a town quality with a city vibe feel. Though, I don’t think that I would change it much for anything. I Love my home town.

I love that I live in an area where small towns and large towns, cities all seem to get along. I love how every place in this state seems like a tiny world all its own, with its own customs and traditions. So appreciate the rarities of where you live, even if it seems like there’s nothing to do there... because there is beauty anywhere you look.

[listen-andobserve]

Don’t Be Afraid

Wow. Its been five months since I’ve shared a world (my world) observation. Today though, I want to reflect on something that has been on my mind for a while... Depression.

About a year ago I came to the realization that I was depressed and I did nothing about it. I didn’t seek medical help. I figured i was strong enough to pull out of it on my own. I had always done things on my own, so i didn’t think it would have been any different. Oh, was I wrong.

My state of depression changed from sadness to anxiety. The constant feeling that the world was after me. That I was nothing but a failure. These feeling, now that I’m more clear of mind, lasted for years. From the first moment and even till now. Its been about  six years and there are days I feel like I’m worthless and hideous. Only now I know that it isn’t true and I can find ways to make myself feel better. Granted I didn’t get to this state of awareness alone. I had help.

I had people that I spoke to when I was down and at my worst. They spoke sense into my speaking to my more rational nature. It wasn’t till a few months ago I decided to take therapy. It wasn’t because I though that I was depressed. I figured I had come out of that state. I went to therapy because I was petrified of driving. I couldn’t stand the comments of my aunts anymore, and I couldn’t stand being stuck. I knew I was capable. I knew how to drive and yet I would get physically sick and I was tired of it. I wanted to know why I couldn’t drive. I wanted to stop feeling incompetent. 

It wasn’t till after I went the first day that I realized that I had some serious baggage that I still carried. I left that session in tears and for the first time so relieved that there was a way to let go of all those pent up feelings.

I learned so much about myself but it took me 6 years to realize i needed help. I know i’m still there; that I’m not fixed. I’m not taking any form of medication because for me therapy worked. I’m driving with little to no anxiety. I have yet to get my license but i know I’m ready.

The hardest thing about depression is not knowing your there; then getting the courage to ask for help. So even though someone might look okay on the surface, a simple observation can’t tell you what’s really going on in their life. That’s when listening and applying one’s life experience can help others grow.

Don’t be afraid.

[listen-andobserve]

Sometimes its NOT a choice.

Recently I’ve had a lot of pressure in my extended family to do things. Simple things that seem normal for any person of my age to do. In my case its driving. I know its a bit strange. I mean why would anyone pressure me to drive? Shouldn’t I already be driving? Well yes, as most normal persons in the world, I should be driving. Except no, I don’t drive despite the fact I’m over twenty-one.

Over the years I have tried to work on my driving capabilities. I can drive, I in fact know how to drive. I just can’t seem to do it without feeling a large amount of anxiety. So this is where driving becomes a social pressure. As of late, every family party I attend to someone has to mention that i should be driving. It’s my aunts who have a nasty habit of putting it out for me to remember.

As much as I tried to explain to my family members, I was still reprimanded for my inability to drive. I often heard them say “This is why you need to drive.” or “You wouldn’t have these problems if you drove yourself to school.” or my all time favorite (all sarcasm intended) “You should just do it. you won’t get over your problem with driving it you don’t practice.”

Even though I had heard them many times before and even tried to explain myself against these comments, they hurt to hear. By now I’ve gotten tired of hearing it. It scars more then they think. Eve time someone comments in such a manner I feel incompetent, and useless. In simpler terms, stupid.

So I’m here sort of stuck because I can’t be rude to my “elders” and I’m also tired of hearing it all. I’m sure none of them understand as they claim they do.

Sometimes its not a choice. I didn’t choose to suffer the consequences of not driving. I didn’t wake up one morning and give up on ever driving. I didn’t chose to get physically ill every time I drove. It wasn’t a choice. I don’t drive because I can’t drive without feeling anxiety. Without the sensation of feeling like every car around me is out to crash into me.

Its not a choice. I did NOT chose to feel this way. Sometimes it just not a choice.

[listen-andobserve]

That’s just plain rude.

In class I usually sit by the all near an outlet to plug in my computer. I don’t always use it but I naturally gravitate sitting by the wall. After class, there’s this guy who always shows up even before I get a chance to get out of my seat. Its almost as if he’s afraid someone will take his favorite spot. So he stands behind me while he waits for me to pack my things and in the process blocks my way out. 

This happens every time class ends. Not even half of the class has left the room and he’s there. It’s just common courtesy to wait till mostly everyone is out. 

Then there’s the other students, who just rush in just as I’m making my way across the room. They don’t wait to let me pass through they sort of wedge their way through between the desks.So them I’m stuck in between a row of desks because there are people at one in trying to get in and people packing up to leave at the other.

Can’t people just wait? 

[listen-andobserve]

Wasting time.

I didn’t think it was possible for someone to have to leave a class room during an hour long lecture more than once. I was proven wrong when over the days I’ve noticed a girl in my class leave the room at least 3 times. Each time she left it took her anywhere between 5 to 10 minutes to return. She’s missing somewhere between a fourth and half of the class period. Not to mention she’s usually late to class. 

So why bother showing up to class if she’s just wasting time? 

[listen-andobserve]

There is such a thing as a dumb question.

I never thought I’d come across a dumb question. Especially in a college level course that has a long list or requirements. A girl, who I don’t know her name, often interupts class with silly questions that don’t have much to do with the course. Or better yet she argues with the professor. Today it was both.  

She asked how a magnetic field was measured. As in what units were used to classify the magnetic field. Even the instructor misinterpreted her and thought she meant how to the animals detect a magnetic field. So he told her that it was action potentials. (And before I get too deep in the science) he said that the animal doesn’t actually measure the magnetic field. they sort of sensed it and their own body told them how to use it to locate direction. its almost as if asking how we interpret our movement. they body “just does it”. to put it in easy terms.

This is where things get bad...worse perhaps? After about a few minutes she proceeded to interrupt with: “I took a physics class and it is possible to measure magnetic field.” I’m paraphrasing of course, but yet these words just made her previous question sound dumb. I say if you took physics and you know its possible for a person to measure magnetic field, then why ask? Why would you ask an irrelevant questions such as that to which you then claim to know the answer too? 

She then continued to ask what a newt was. It makes little sense to me that a science major would not know what a newt was. I suppose I couldn’t be too harsh with that question but it completely interrupted the lesson. 

It makes me wonder if she listens to lecture. The professor spoke about how birds switched in the ability to detect magnetic field in order to know where to go. depending on the days they travel. Cutting the explanation short, she asked why just after he had finished explaining. 

I don’t think I have ever question someone’s intelligence before but this girl makes me wonder.

[listen-andobserve]

Something New

I did something new today. I let a few of my walls down to a complete stranger. Not sure how it went or how I feel. I supposed overwhelmed is a good word that I could use. I’d never felt more vulnerable in my life and I’m not sure how much good it did me. 

I suppose talking about what’s bothering me can help me see what’s wrong. A clear sight on a problem I couldn’t figure out. I did realized how hard it was for me to let go of my tough facade, but once it was gone I saw no need to keep it. I don’t really know how I feel at the moment and the more I think about it the less sure I know what happened. I hadn’t realized I had denied my self from accepting what I felt.

I never considered myself to be strong and I’ve never thought my life was interesting to particularly tough. Yet I’ve been through my fair share of pain. Its rather interesting how calming it is to just talk about everything thats bothered me over the years.

Something just clicked. I’ve realized something and I know it seems simple but I never though much about it before. It won’t hurt to just think about myself and only myself. I need to be self centered every now an then.  There’s nothing wrong to be a tiny bit selfish. I can award myself with things I enjoy to do. I think I get it now. 

 I know I can do this.

I’m strong and I always will be; i just can’t let an obstacle stop me from doing what I want.

[listen-andobserve]

Will I last?

I don’t know how long I will last before I break. Before the crazy hours and little sleep takes its toll on me. Its only twice a week but yet it feels like its more than just that. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get used to it, the feeling of being so tired. I feel older as the days dread on. Yet I feel younger as obstacles cross my way and I see no way around them. Caught in between wanting to succeed and just wanting to get this over with. Its almost as if I’m just in this for the ride. An observer in everyday life.