Jan 18, 2016
I do, I still do
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I do, I still do
Day 151 - I hate myself cos I still like you and miss you
This is something that I wrote and posted on our LINE note on 20 April 2015 at 1221am. He clicked read when I posted this, I don’t know if he clicked becos he just needed to get it off the notification or he has always read my post. For the previous posts, I don’t know cos it was not notified on the chat. Whatever, it is, no expectation would be good for me. The below is what I wrote, not sure if I wrote becos I really couldn’t let go of Us or I just couldn’t let go of the memories....
I didn't realise that it's been such a long time, it Day151 since 20.Nov.2014...
I thought I have long gotten over you, and had moved on. But I didn't. I, for some reasons, was brought back to the days where we were still 'together'. I wonder if I was stupid cos I should have let go. There was no turning back after that evening. What is it that I do not understand?!
I suddenly hated myself for still liking you... why? What the hell did the brain and heart not understand? Why? I got no answer too. I wish I had some answers and I see some bad in you so that I can let go and move on.
Tonight, I had scenes of Us on several occasions that I shouldn't be reminded of. Scenes from 13.Aug.2014, 24.Aug.2014, 19.Oct.2014, 31.Oct.2014 all kept appearing. The worst was the scenes of that Friday before you left for States, where I regretted not telling you to stay and don't leave. It's all killing me. It's just killing me!!!! Why, why does it have to be me suffering all these heartaches! Why? What have I done wrong to go through all these pain.
I tried to seek solace by travelling, drinking, going on dates and even try to write to get it out of my system.. why doesn't it work for me. Maybe you should tell me how you got me out of your memory. So that I would not go through the pain anymore. Sometimes, I did ask if I should inflict physical pain so that I will get better? So I tried to drink lots and threw up. It does help a little but when it comes back, it just doubles the impact.
I tried my best to suppress it, sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't. My success rates are better in the day, it usually the nights that I get whacked badly.
I kept telling 妹妹that I am over you but she asked me if that's really true. I mentioned about you to Mr Bear Hug cos I thought I was over you too. Only to realise tonight that maybe I still haven't let go, and I still like you lots. I pray everyday for strength to forget Us. I hope I can forget Us sooner than later.
I don't want to continue writing about how #istillmissyoulots, #whycantwebetogether cos there is no answer, or rather the answer is very clear.. ZS chose to let Us go.
Wake up and let go, girl. Stop holding on.. Us will not come back...
Considering you still haven't answered my text, I'm assuming you're sleeping, and even though you're not going to see this, I am very, very tempted to text you a really cute text that would make you smile when you wake up in the morning and see it.. but because things have been weird lately and we haven't talked much and I feel like something is wrong, I'm not going to..
Hey ! Love the Blog , and Lovvveee Your Fashion! Simply Amazing ! You inspire me hahaha . How old are you , may i ask ?
Thanks! I'm 14. Also I like your Kenny icon.