#imjustrambling

[littlesaanna-blog]

Honestly over #2018 already and it just started. People and things irk my everlasting nerve. #imjustrambling #yallignoreme

[newkidonmyblock-blog]

You don’t even know me!

I’m old enough to have kids on Tumblr (just), have a 14 month old son and a pretty groovy husband. I live in Taranaki, NZ and am pretty passionate about it - we have a perfect blend of career and lifestyle.

I love coffee, brunch, my labradoodle (Gemma) and Tennis. I used to love running and would like to do so again one day.

¿Que más? Hmm... I am super blessed to have a group of old high school friends who have all returned to the hometown like me, and have all started having babies. We all have little boys which is bizarre and amazing all at the same time.

I swear a little and reference songs a lot, you’ll get used to it.

[hollygoesheavy]

today....is a bitch.

i found out that the root of my vulnerability issues is because of the one person i should be vulnerable with. the first person i usually call when i'm upset because i'm too scared to  talk to anyone else. but sadly my mother seems to get aggravated by it.

don't get me wrong, she loves me, a blind person could see that, but she has always been so hell bent on being a strong woman and making me the same that i don't think she gets me. i should be able to hurt with her like no one else, i should be able to let that guard down with her. i should be able to cry on the phone with my mother and feel like she honestly hears the overall message on why i'm upset....but she doesnt.

she always tells me "oh, stop it," or "you always do this." not to mention i cant get by without the teeth smacking and there's the fact that i know she's rolling her eyes on the other side of the phone. so i always end up sucking it up enough to say i'll call you back, only to end up ignoring everyone else's call for at least an hour while i "pull it together".

together enough to just not look like shit, or like i've been crying my eyes out for whatever reason it was each time. whether it was stress, frustration, fear, heartbreak, etc. i fake pulling it together so that i can be around my friends (or in public, period) and look like i'm fine. 

...and with them i have to "look like i'm fine" because i can't let my guard down enough to let them see me cry because i'm scared of the same reaction. it scares the shit out of me to think one day they'll see me break down because i've fought for too long, too hard, and too often not to let them see it. i just can't be vulnerable, i can't be weak, i can't break down, and it's all because of fear that they'll see me how she does in those moments. (fucked up, i know. sry guys...)

people think it's a trust thing, and its not, it a me thing. it's a "weakness will be the end of you" thing. it's a "don't be a cry baby" thing. and because so much of her is in me, i can be feeling like shit, but if one of them catches on it'll be counteracted with a smile and "i'm fine", because it's all i know...... and it's been the hardest part of me to change.

[hollygoesheavy]

The sight of babies has been tugging at my heartstrings lately. I have no idea why....other than maybe innately a woman's body just fucks with her to let her know her maternal instinct has kicked in. To my friends: don't be alarmed I'm not planning to get knocked up or anything. But the sight of the lil crumb snatchers does make me all warm and fuzzy inside.