Child me was hilarious and I am tired of pretending like I was solely cringe. (#1?)
So, I was going through some old Shazam one-shot's that I had written around 5 years ago (jesus christ, the movie came out six years ago, I am so old). While a few of them should be posted somewhere there are quite a few that never saw the light of day. However, some of these passages are so freaking hilarious that I am just going to share them here.
Warning: These have been written by teen me and have not been updated ever since.
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Context: Eugene just accidently uploaded his conscious to cyberspace and Freddy and Billy have to deal with the aftermath of their brother seemingly dying without reason while also having creepy glowing eyes.
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“Okay, so when I say go you breath in his mouth and I shock his heart and then we hope he wakes up” Billy said while laying down Eugene’s body on the ground. “Dude, I am not going to kiss my brother. That is gross.”
“Your not kissing him, your saving his life!”
“Can’t I shock him? Kiss him yourself!”
“Your not kissing him, besides you have not been able to create more then a few watt! How do you want to preform CPR if you can’t even light a lightbulb!”
“CPR? Dude, you can’t think he is dead right. I mean, people don’t look like that when they die. Oh my god what are we going to tell M and V. We can’t just waltz in with a dead body in our hands and be like, oh yea sorry he died during all of this. By the way we have no idea why he looks like this but will figure it out.”
“And that is exactly why we are preforming CPR you empty brained idiot.”
As the two boys were arguing with each other the ICT guy walked over to the body of Eugene and felt his neck, where he luckily felt a pulse. “Uh guys?” he asked with a soft voice, but the two superhero’s kept arguing if kissing your brother was incest.
“Guys!” he screamed out loud. The two superhero’s turned around with annoyed faces asking “What?” like two annoyed teenagers. “he’s alive” the guy said while pointing to Eugene.